This is a well written story. Your descriptions are very detailed and paint a vivid image. The ending was somewhat abrupt. Maybe some additional details about the lives of the women after Alyssa left for college would help remedy that.
Well done. Nice setting of a mood with your words.
Suggestions: The 2nd verse could possibly be cleaned up a bit - for example "...the soft light of the quiet city entwined themselves" has mismatched nouns & pronouns - plural on one side and singular on the other. In verse 1, you have a spelling error - "beutiful" should be "beautiful".
Nice job of relaying these childhood experiences. You have captured the child's perspective quite well. Although the stories you relate happened at the same time, they read almost like two different stories. I wonder if there's a way to make them seem more cohesive?
Great job on this. Well written and humorous. This is just dripping with satire. The only thing you might want ot change is the format to make it more reader-friendly. Excellent story.
Very well written. Great stage setter for what looks to be an interesting story. Good job.
A Suggestion:
"his albeit flawed understanding" sounds a little awkward. Most of the time I have encountered the word "albeit", it's surrounded by 2 adjectives. For example, in this case maybe something like "his limited albeit flawed understanding" would sound more natural.
Well written. The poem starts off very strongly, but for me, it loses some of its focus with the line beginning with "Dead to the world". From this point, it almost seems to be a different poem, with a slightly different feeling and mood.
Nicely done and well written. The last verse should serve as a message to us all. The alliteration in the 1st line of the 2nd verse is a bit overboard for my taste, especially since little alliteration is used elsewhere in the piece. That line reminds me of that old Cheap Trick song, "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap".
Review courtesy of
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #573864 by Not Available.
Nicely done. You maintained a good rhythm throughout the poem while relating that hopeless feeling that we all seem to have sometimes.
Tweaking these lines to be more personal may make them better describe the emotional state: "I cry like someone's been
Killed in recent days
Or the parting of the ways" For example, crying as if your best friend has gone would be much more impactful than crying as if "someone" went away.
Review courtesy of
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #730938 by Not Available.
Very nicely done, and well written, too. The adjectives you use in the first three verses (sharp edged, granite, dank) indicate one who was looking in for sanctuarry in all the wrong places. That is not true for the last verse. Great job.
Review courtesy of
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #730938 by Not Available.
Very nicely done. This should be required reading for all new community members. Informative, and very well written and formatted. Great job.
One thing I have found from my experience, however, is that there are some (very few, in fact) members who make their items rateable only to get angry when they get anything less than a "5" or a "4.5". Poets seem to be especially sensitive, and some do not take kindly to any editing pointers. For this reason, I try to emphasize that any edits I may send are only suggestions and not to be considered the be-all, end-all for improving the piece. After all, like me, a good number of the reviewers on this site are amateurs, too!
Well written with a nice twist a the end that insures that this story will never be included in a Mother Goose collection! Though if she thought about it, even Mother Goose herself could find a valuable lesson in your words. Great job.
Nicely done! You have an excellent idea of who you are, what you like, and what you don't like. Your well-written mini bio gives the reader a solid glimpse of who you are. Great job.
Some Suggestions:
You may have mis-placed a comma here: "One thing I am not into, is self importance". Try moving the comma after "importance" instead.
You need a comma before the "but" here: "You won't find me at parties or large gatherings but"
Humorous and well written. I know exactly what you mean. On the inside, I still feel the same as I always have. But, I guess I picked up a few "stories" along the way, too! Good job.
A chilling story, and well written, too. I found myself trying to guess what cicumstances had led to the stone with all the carved names in it, but the ending caught me by surprise anyway. Nicely done!
A Suggeetion:
"indentations that was his name" should be "indentations that were his name".
Nicely done and well written. You have successfully captured the essence of a free spirit. I love the line, "Her smile finds itself on your face". Great job.
Review courtesy of
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #730938 by Not Available.
I enjoyed reading this as a marked departure from what this "is not". The reader gets a good sense of the author's strength and the certainty from this piece. Well written. Great job.
Nicely written story. You described the main character very well, and the reader gets a good feel for what it was like in the old west. Good job.
Some Suggestions:
In the first paragraph, you have mixed verb tenses (can/could). Try and keep the verb tense consistent throughout.
"I sat on top of the ridge and seen his body below me" should be "I sat on top of the ridge and saw his body below me".
The meaning of this sentence is not clear, especially the part after the comma: "The man I worked for had crossed one of the big ranchers, and he did not have any back up in him." Maybe it can be re-worded a bit?
When the point of view of the story changes mid-way through, some sort of visual clue to the reader, such a line of dashes or asterisks, could help serve as a breaking point in the story.
The very last paragraph seems out of place or overly abrupt somehow. You may want to tweak that a bit to better meld with the story.
*****
Reviewed courtesty of
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #573864 by Not Available.
Nice job. You have expressed the emotions of losing and finding love very well. Good writing.
Some Suggestions:
I couldn't quite grasp the meaning of "blue yet clear", especially when the following line was "radiating happiness". Blue usually indicates sadness. Maybe a tweak is in order for these lines to better?
The idea you have here could be better told with more embellishment and character development. As it is now, it reads more like a series of bullett points than a story, especially near the end. Ue this as a starting point to delve into telling the story of what happened.
I am really starting to enjoy the challenge of this. This is really a great idea. Ideas like this one are rare. Rarely have I enjoyed an In & Out like I do "What's Last is First". First I should have said great job.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/anderclunk
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 12:57pm on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
