I enjoyed reading this, although I did figure out what was going on very early, probably because of the stains and memories she talks about, then when you said she couldn't buy a movie ticket it just confirmed it for me.
If you wanted to have a wow factor at the end, maybe you could just call it 'that night' or just mention the strain on the wall in passing rather than making it such a big thing? I would also take the part out about not being able to buy a ticket, and just put in someing like 'I went unnoticed as I joined the crowds of people, families, couples, how I wish I had someone to share with.'
I really enjoyed the idea behind it, and really liked the way she read the story at the end.
This is beautifully written and sends across a lovely message, In a few places it was a bit too wordy and some of the sentences could be broken up a little bit. I did get slightly confused at the start when you state that Kal is different from the others, but his only child, so who is he different than? Other children, other people, and in what ways?
You followed the direction of the exercise very well.
Thanks for sharing so much with us.
Congratulations on doing the tube thing twice, if heights scare you so much. I couldn't do it, but because I am scared of speed, not heights.
I didn't see any errors in this.
Well done.
I really enjoyed this, you use invisibility in 2 different senses here, firstly her wish to be physically invisible, then the fact that she is invisible in her children's eyes.
You also caught the voices of a worrying mother, teenage boy and teenage girl, really well.
I didn't notice any mistakes in this.
I really liked this, the problem I saw with it was the sentence "or hearing to a bard," it sounds better to me without the "to" in it.
Other than that, great use of the word of the day. You understood the meaning and used it well.
Keep writing, keep learning.
I love the ending to this, it adds a bit of humour to what is otherwise a serious story.
I noticed you didn't use any commas in your writing, they would make alot of your sentences clearer and easier to read.
Some parts seem confusing and some too long. Try combining sentences using a comma in some places, and in others making sentences shorter.
e.g "Jon and I were on our way to get Tammy from work. The restaurant was down on embankment that had 2 entrances. One on each side of the embankment on either side of the restaurant ." This does not make it clear that Tammy works at the restuarant. I know it is implied, but it makes the story seem jumpy, try something like
"Jon and I were on our way to pick Tammy up from the restuarant where she works. The restuarant had 2 entrances, one on each side, and inbetween was an embankment."
"I was changing the station of the radio when I looked up to see what he was doing just in time to see the telephone wire seconds before he rammed straight into it. " This is a very long sentence that can easily be broken up using commas, rearranging words, and making into more sentences.
"I was changing the radio station when I looked up to see what he was doing. I just managed to glimpse the telephone wire, within seconds he had rammed straight into it."
I hope this review was helpful to you. If you make any changes and would like me to review it again, please let me know.
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| (4.5)
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