Ha Ha ! I love it. Yes I admit to being a person who rarely goes to Walmart and keeps a eye out for "wal-creatures" to submit to PeopleofWalmart.com but all these years it never occurred to me to write about it.
*shakes finger at myself*
I so needed to read something funny today and this was prefect!
This is good. Deep. Was hard to read however. Because my youngest is named Morgana. And after her brother died, she had a dark period. (Doing better now) All and all, I feel you did indeed do a good job showing pain in such few words.
I liked the ending the best. It had wonderful use of imagery and emotions. It completely showed how the two men would have bonded if given the chance.
There were parts in the main story that didn't feel right. It could be because of I a different view on how twins would react seeing each other for the first time and am a bit clouded.
Another part that different feel right was they way they talked and kept up enjoying the party and the drinks without much in depth conversions between them (Aside for scars and jobs)
I was left wondering many things about their lives before that point.
However...I might be too literal about this, a mistake many a reviewer has made with some of my pieces. You might be talking about twins in the metaphoric sense, in which two people might that are kindred spirits and life shaped them the same ways physically. I came to that thought after the third or fourth time I read it and thought again about the ending.
If so I can't, right away, think of a way to make that clearer.
Either way you do have the start of a good story here.
Thank you for wanting me to read and review your piece.
Your piece is very poetic in nature. You have a great understanding of the way words can be used differently to describe feelings and emotions.
I noticed little wrong with the piece but I must confess a personal habit of overlooking things. One misspelled word I saw was beaux in the third paragraph. The x needs to be dropped.
One reason it took me awhile to review this piece is I am not a Christian and had to remain objective. However your piece is still suitable to the general market but I feel that you will have a strong pull with those readers who lean toward Christian work.
Also your piece is different than the non fiction I am used too but it is on the same level as the pieces I recall having to read in my college literature class.
It is safe to say you have a good chance of having your piece noted by the greater public.
You asked if it was "award-worthy". I would like to say yes. It would all depend on just what the contest was. Outside of WDC I would say it has a decent chance.
If it is ok with you I'm passing this one to some others that hopefully will be to review it too.
If you want you can advertise your piece here: "Non-Fiction Plug Page" [18+]to also gain other reviewers.
Although I had no trouble following this piece and I quite well understood what was happening; I couldn't help but notice a few grammer and spelling errors.
There needs to be a space between the comma after the word again in the first paragragh.
wines and loliness are misspelled.
Lastly in the sentence: "My hate had be escalated but never to such a point." - the word be is not needed.
The style of this piece has much promise. Keep writing!
I found the differnt styles of text almost distracting. No big. I think it was because of the bold. It might just be me.
Talking about and remembering a incident certainly isn't easy.
The only spot that stuck out in my mind as not fitting was the paragraph that began with When you've been a jeweler for as long as I have, you I needed a little more no this piece on how it relates to your memory of the robbery.
This only covered five minutes...talk about a long five minutes. What question I have after reading this are "Were they caught?" At the end I like the piece where you describe the hair loss and the gun. I always found a few key comments like that to help put a piece like this into reality because like you stated in the beginning: We've all watched the news with armed robberies and made comments like, "If that were me," and "I dare someone to try..." and "What I'd do if I were...".
This is great! I'm suprised that I haven't come across it earlier! How could I have missed it. I really admire the layout and the simplity of this piece. Certainly is something I will be looking at again! (Me think I may want to try something like this in the future)
I once had a teacher tell me writers block didn't exist. Too bad he couldn't read this now. This is how I feel when I can't write a thing. Like I'm a totally flat out bust. I can picture any writer sitting in a chair staring at paper ink dripping and no words just as you described so perfectly.
Spooky. Whould be interested in seeing if this could be expanded. More of her surroundings by chance as well as her reason for being there. Something more about the demon would be interesting too. I do found the image of smooth white walls in this scene appealing because it adds an element of awareness. I wonder how she got in the?
This story is certainly funny and entertaining. I did however noticed a few things that caught my eye. About halfway down when Genii and Joe were talking you had switched from saying "Joe this" or "Joe that" to "Garza this" and "Garza that". I was still able to follow the story but the switching from first name to last name just didn't fit since that scene was still the same. I also noticed in the sentence that began with:“OH ok, would you believe..." that the word Oh only needs the O capitalized. Lastly I think there is a extra space between I and guess in the same paragraph because guess had been bumped to the next line. Overall good job!
Wicked, dark. The pain in that mans mind all these years, to send him over the edge. Provoking. Scary. I had been lost into which direction it would go, I guess I was thinking that prehaps the man would be able to provide the family with support. I was suprised, ok only a little suprised, to discover he was the cause. I read it again and have to attempt the style and prose that pulled me in is why I was a bit off guard at the end. A well written piece for sure.
This is cute. The whole bit about the tree got me laughing. I can see that happening to me. I actually came close to something like that. Only I was waving looking at his car and almost rear-ended the another. Big oops.
I should have seen the ending coming on this tale. After all it is a romance. But it was the trees that tripped me up. After all would she have fallen in love if she hadn't of walked into the tree?
Her stubbornness reminds me a bit of mine. Ok my past stubborness. And newly recent stubborness again. Especially now with more and more of the family my age that is settling down. I'm not ready yet (I did it before) and by do I get the questions every year. I'm the black sheep in mine. while I made mental notes to come down with an incurable disease like malaria to avoid Mom’s family dinners next time around. I actually had a similar thought last year. Only I asked for the flu.
Does this mean things are about to change for me? We'll see. But I'll say this. I'm not walking into a tree. Nor nearly rear-ending a car.
The part with the turkey and the prayer was cute too.
Suggestions, suggestions. What do I see? Not sure. Not really anything wrong. Something had caught my eye where was it...here it is: Dad stood up and took his ominous electric life. I think you meant to say "ominous electric knife"
The phasing thoughout the story was well done. I liked the phase about the Marriott Marquis and the sidewalk. This just sounds so true.
Very well done.
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