wow, the results of this poll really surprise me! I honestly didn't think that 'they will go to hell' would be the top opinion... Makes me question the whole loving-ness of Christians, lol.
I personally chose reincarnation because it just seems like the fairest thing for everyone- if you're bad in your life, you back as a flea or something, and if you're good, you're rewarded with reincarnation as a like another human, or a lion or something higher up the scale, lol. Or at least I'd hope that!
I think this is an absolutely fantastic glimpse of the mother-daughter relationship when a mother is faced to actually see that maybe their daughter isn't everything they wanted her to be, lol.
Though I've never had the sexuality conversation with my mother (she's openminded,thankgod), I can identitfy with the lines, 'But still you grill me for information
Claiming it's because you care,' and 'They cut deep into my flesh, Like incisions from a knife.' My mother loves to pry and grillme about anything she thinks might be going on in my life and never realises she might be doing more harm to me than good. Still, I know she does care; just has a funny way of showing it.
Wow, I see what you mean about how it throws up so many questions... I think that maybe if I was the girl in your poem, I would probably have done the same thing and be sitting there afterwards thinking, 'why the hell didn't I do something, anything?!'
The poem is good and captures the feeling of helplessness well, also conjuring some rather vivid images in my head, although I'm not sure whether that's just my imaginiation that does it automatically, or whether it's because of the 'oredeal' the girl in the poem speaks of. (?)
Anyway, thanks for sharing! nI will be sure to read some others in your port while I am here.
The cadence you've created within this poem is good. I like the sestina style and you've set it out well, in an easy to read manner.
As far as I could tell, you've made no spelling/typo mistakes or misused any punctuation, so good job on clear editing.
The subject matter of this poem is an interesting one and I really like how you've used the images of a dark chill, broken things and the sense of escape to create the mounting tension and atmosphere.
The only critisism I have would be the way the final stanza is set out. It's not in the same format as the rest of the poem. Is this intentional, or a formatting error?
*plum*Yay Andrea! Happy Birthday and Summer Vacation to you my dear!
This poem is really good, though I must admit I don't know much about the myth of Narcissus or anything. (Maybe you could do a small intro at the top of the poem to give the reader some background info on the subject matter for a deeper understanding into your poem?)
I do like this though. As far as I could tell, there are no spelling or punctuation mistakes and you've set the body of the poem out well, making it easy to follow and read.
The only critisism I have is that the repetition of the phrase 'Look at Me' gets a little too much towards the end of the poem, but everything else works.
You've built up a good sense of loss and longing, which I think most people can relate to on a certain level, so well done.
Overall, you've done a good job. Maybe the use of some color (see WritingML to get the codes to do this) would brighten up your portfolio? Keep writing and keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your poetry and stories. (You'll have to show me your creative writing projects when we get into the house.)
Kudos, lotsa love, Amber/Fleur. xxx
PS. We're missing you! We went to trash last night. It was weird! Hope you had a good 20th birthday. See you next semester honey!
There is passion and loss and longing in this poem and you choice of words convey this very well.
Your set out is good and there are no spelling or grammatical mistakes i can point out. I would suggest however, that perhaps you could revise the punctuation... I'm being super-picky here and it's not 100% necessary, as it won't change the way your poem is read or anything, but I'd like to see a couple of periods (full-stops) at the end of the verses and indeed at the end of the poem itself. Like I said, it won't change the way it's read, but it might make it clearer and more precise.
The last stanza in italics works well and emphasises the sense of longing for what you'll never find but are constantly reminded of. the italics makes me think of someone screaming, arms wide open at the sky, which is a nice touch.
All in all this is good and your poetry in general has substance and a great tone and use of language. Keep up the good work m'dear.
I do like this poem and it says a lot in just a few words well used. The progression of stages is good and the air of 'lamenting' comes across well, as do your feelings of drowning in life's nastiness. I think there are a lot of people out there who'll be able to empathize with that feeling.
The only thing that's stopped me giving you a higher rating is the lack of punctuation and use of capitol letters. Your set out is generally okay, but if you went through it and generally revised your punctuation I think it will add so much more to how this poem is read and how it will come across to the reader. (a full stop can create a pause and add to a sense of tension for example.)
Maybe you could use the WritingML tags to add colour, or to experiment with use of bold, italics or centering your work to make it more eye catching and appealing to the reader.
Other than that, i think you've done a pretty good job and I wish you all the best with your future writing and time here on writing.com.
Take care,
From Amber. xxx
PS. If you do review the things I said about, do let me know and I'll be happy to up the star rating I gave you in response.
I like the conflict you've raised in this poem, reinforced by those 3 final lines; it really gives a sense of struggle and being torn and i think most women will relate to this on some level. (I know I sure do.)
I like the imagery of smoke and the way it gets into everything; it's clever. And i also like the way you've set this poem out so that it flows and is eye catching to the reader.
This is ioverall and good poem, with no grammatical and spelling mistakes, so well done.
I think this is an interesting poem and your choice of words to portray a 'woman' is very fitting.
I like that you got 'complexity' into the mix, but us women certainly are!!!
This is shoprt, but says everything it needs to say and does so powerfully, making women come across as beautiful and strong and something to be looked up to. (well, that's how I see it anyway!)
Well, I kinda had to come check out your port. And since i've read a few of these back in Wales anyway, there isn't much for me to say that I haven't already told you to your face!
I've been writing some journal entries again, but I haven't got round to adding them yet, but in one of them, I wrote a little message for you, so I'll send you a text when I get round to adding them, okay?
Anyway my dear, I didn't really say much about this poem when you gave it to me last week, because I got kinda choked for words... But all I can say is THANK YOU. Thank you so much for being the friend that you are and for sticking by me and putting up with me and for not freaking out... You're a and I love you babe!
Keep writing and see you in 3 weeks honey, love Amber is excited
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hey Monkey, you asked for a review of this and with my word and with my insomniac appraisal, here be it!
Okay, I'm gonna get the technical stuff out the way first simply coz it's the easiest, then I'll compliment you on your writing and you'll get an enflated ago after my initial criticisms! lol.
You could do with putting the title in bold writing. You can use the 'writingML' help to get the codes to type in in order to do that, as well as italics, colours etc. Or I can write them down for you and give them to you in the morning if it's easier?
The first stanza is pretty good, however after that, things kinda get a little confusing because the spelling deteriorates and the way you've used a mixture of capitol and lower case lettering (although Robbie says you stole it from him BTW, lol) detracts from the poem itself. If you're gonna use it, be consistent and either use it the for the entirety of the poem, or not at all.
2nd Stanza: hehehe, you can tell you've been reading Frankenstein late at night again. Bless!
Shelly, should be spelled Shelley
3rd Stanza: IDOT BOX, which is a good way to say TV, but isn't it IDIOT? (thus proving the fact that TV kills your brain cells, innit man?)
The way you've used upper/lower case mixes again makes the word 'Recoils' look like recolls, so maybe re-think that... Get rid of the superfluous 'e' from tremb(e)ling.
I'm assuming your use of the word 'mourning' instead of morning is intentional, which I think is a nifty (how's that for an Americanism?!) touch.
4th Stanza: spell without properly boy! And alusive should be 'elusive.' (Also, in the first stanza you use the word 'illusive' and I'm wondering if you mean elusive for that too?)
Overall, I think this poem's abstractness (how's that for a word?) ties in well with the subject matter of a sleepless you. But I kinda get the sense there's not enough tying the words together and it almost comes off as sounding too random (which does, in a way sum up insomnia well) which makes it hard to read... like something's missing? Does that sound fair?
I hope that's of some help. Come fetch me from my room if you want anymore feedback. Robbie read it too, so he's got this to write:
The allusion to the Racism poem in the title is very abstact - might want to find something wittier. Line-breaks and stanza length could be worked with a little more to extend your idea of inconsistency and randomisation. Rather post-structuralist; the images if sleeplessness, brains, ears and TV could perhaps be unified in expression. Extend the images and work on capturing the specific features that agravate sleeplessness. Build up to the idea of the Idiot Box.
You still need to work the phrase 'Lucifer's Dream Box' into one of your poems aswell.
Tis Fleur again now. But yeah, that's what our collective consciousness thinks! Hope it's of some use m'dear. Tis 4:25am and we're missing you.
The RAOK group rocks. There's little more I can say than that.
I wasn't sure how to send GPs to the group to help your cause so I'm sending some along with this e-mail in hope you'll use it towards someone's much needed upgrade in the future.
You're all stars!
From Amber.
(PS. thanks for my 1 month upgrade! It's much appreciated)
This poem made me smile. It made me think of Summer Solstice and A Midsummer Night's Dream with magic and freedom and happiness.
I could see people running around on damp grass with diaphonus clothes and daisies in their hair and drink and food and laughter.
I like the way you've put the words together too. Like a mass of adjectives and everything, all with their own little piece of imagery.
Cool! Love me. xxx
I like the ambiguity of this poem. Because at first glance, it seems like you're speaking about a lost love. But then, the title of the poem 'City' doesn't seem to suggest that. But the feeling of loss and growth is still there.
I know I'm weird, but this is kinda how I read it:
(take caution for my stange interpretations again! lol)
I pictured it as if it's you, looking back on yourself as a child, trying to keep that sense of peace and fearlessness and contentment in a certain time or place, for example. And somehow you were losing that and you wanted it back, but instead, you moved, you grew up, you grew wiser and left it behind like a sad memory...
Okay, but anyway, that's just my opinion!!! lol.
Love Amber/Fleur. xxx
Oh Benjamin, what a lovely, beautiful idea you've started here. I know for sure this will be wonderful because we have a place; a solace; a safe haven to let our imaginations run with the prettiness of earth and be happy.
Yay you!!!!
(((hugs)))
From Amber. xxx
It sounds really pretty and misterious to think of children in terms of nature and this poem does just that; kinda like an awe and wonder about the world.
I like the way that last lne sounds... 'misty moon halo.' I dunno, I can like, really picture that I think.
Good poem; keep up the good work!
There's something about the way this poem sounds that makes me want to sway. I know that sounds silly, but it's got a dreamy, ancient feel to it. Like omnicience and wonder, gentleness and strength all rolled into one.
I'm now going to hunt the bookshelves for a Bible so I can look up the references you noted at the bottom!
Have a great week and take care, from Amber. xxx
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