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56 Public Reviews Given
56 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
OVERVIEW:
         I thought this was a great piece; perfectly suited for a younger demographic. The language was all simple and straight forward, but not to such an extent where it drew attention to itself. You have all the beginnings of a good "coming of age" tale. As far as story elements I didn't find much to critique here. There's a lot of setup which is to be expected. I liked how you used the teacher and classroom to establish the setting and explain some of the history and geography of the region. It's a natural way of expounding on the lore. I thought the pacing was all well handled.

         I guess the one thing I would've like to have seen was better descriptions of the dragons themselves. We basically get rough heights and skin color. Do they have bony ridges on their faces? Spikes on their tales? Are there significant structural differences between the different types of dragons, or they built similarly but just different colors. Not that it all has to be addressed right of the bat. At least, I'd like a more thorough description of Tak-Riel.

         I wish I had more meaningful to add, but all-in-all it's just a really good start to a story. I'm going to add you to my favorites and keep an eye out for future installments.

PLOT:
         As I stated before, it seems that you're setting up a coming of age tell. You have all the basic ingredients; the young and naive hero with something special about him, the mentors, the love interest. I'm curious to see what the major conflict is, and the antagonist.

CHARACTERS:
Tak-Riel
I like the contrast of the child mentality in this giant powerful dragon body.


SPELLING and GRAMMAR:


SUGGESTIONS AND NIT-PICKING:
He managed to adjust his position enough so that his powerful back legs took the majority of the impact, but not enough to keep him from tumbling forward.
Perhaps this is a better word here.

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2
2
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
OVERVIEW:
         I love how you capture the tone of early American folk tales. The narrator has all the colloquial charm of an old man telling children about the ol' day while they drank Coke out of glass bottles. All that added with the sense of humor running throughout makes this a great piece. I also got the feel of some Native-American folklore out this piece, with the characterizations of Months, Winter, etc.
         The lines about Silver Sam where fantastic. His dialogue with Winter was also great. The Silver Sam character fits in well with other American folk tales figures like John Henry. To go on a tangent, and perhaps read too much into the piece, it's nice to see entrepreneurial spirit highlighted as a positive thing. The salesman is always a sleeze-ball, corporations are evil, these are common threads in literature. You showcase the hero slick-talker to helps everybody and has the foresight to profit off the whole ordeal. That's the quintessential ideal of what American is.
         The only create I really have is in regards to the prevalence of run on sentences in the first few paragraphs. It may match the narrative character of a rambling story-teller, but it's an unpleasant cadence. You might consider varying the sentence lengths in those first two paragraphs a little more.

         Also you might consider having a little character progression with winter. Maybe have some hindering force behind it not showing up, and having Silver Sam help Winter overcome. Perhaps Winter didn't feel capable of replacing Summer. The way it is now there's no set-up to the solution. I don't feel like the end is tied into the ending neatly.
         Now that I think about, Silver Sam's a go-getter. He's out there making sales happen, not waiting for them to. He should approach the Houstonians and offer them a solution, at least in my opinion, of course.

SPELLING and GRAMMAR:
Those Houstonians were a tough old sort, and they’d learned to tolerate the heat just fine, but even for them that summer was a scorcher, and so they stayed inside most days and waited for Fall to come.

...Jehovah’s Witness who came evangelizing to his porch one afternoon.

He searched high and low, up and down, crossways and sideways

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3
3
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
OVERVIEW:
         You have an excellent conversational narrative tone, which I enjoyed. As I read it, I definitely had the sensation of being spoken to. I like the tone of the piece, which is well established. I can imagine the grit of the character and the environment even without there being much narrative describing it.

         You writing style is clear, concise, and easily readable for the most part. I noticed a few places where you used a but between apparently unrelated statements, which I've noted below. Also, you alternate between capitalizing The Wall and not.

PLOT:
         I didn't really feel any sense of direction with the plot. The question is posed in the reader's head in the very beginning, "oh what'd this person do that could be so terrible?" Then we follow the narrator along the wall, I'm waiting for the narrator to tell what messed up stuff she's done. Through here it's all pretty tranquil the pace is meandering along. Then "shhh, we might get caught", BOOM, we're caught. Done. There's no real pay-off to the introduction.
         I also feel like the pacing is uneven. You come out the gate with a lot of tension and intrigue. Then it swoops down into this mellow tone talking about the wall. Finally, it ends super abruptly.

SPELLING and GRAMMAR:
It was when Robin and(?) I had gone to stand right in front of the Wall.
Looks like you're missing a word here.

Robin eventually caught up to me. I had to shush him, just in case.
I don't think the but works here, as there isn't really contrasting information in the second part of this sentence.

I didn’t like this helplessness. I knew I had to get out, or else I would end up dead.
Again here the statement following the but doesn't give contrasting information to the first part. You might consider making them separate statements.

SUGGESTIONS AND NIT-PICKING:
In our spare time, we would meet up in out secret place.
Looks like you forgot to space and indent this paragraph.

I would tell my parents all about this, all of this, except for one thing.
This sentence reads awkwardly.

It was said to everyone that the people on the other side of the wall were so poor, dying every day, that they killed any newborn kids just so that the other people could survive.
This is a little unwieldy of a sentence. Maybe something like:
It was common knowledge that the people on the other side of the wall were so poor that they killed the newborns no one could afford to feed.
Everyone knew that the people on the other side of the wall were so poor they murdered they're own newborns in order to preserve resources for themselves.

I knew I should have kept my voice down for we'd be in big trouble if we were caught.
I feel like this sentence could use a more definite ending.

"Wow...," he breathed under his breath. His eyes traveled up, looking at the Wall in awe.

I was just about to say something to him but at that moment, we heard footsteps. Robin and I looked at each other. When our eyes met, we realized, the sound was coming from neither one of us. Unconsciously, I sucked in a breath.
The person seemed to be getting closer, and closer as their footsteps got louder and louder. I shut my eyes tight and I could feel that the person was just in front of me.
Line space and an indent on these to lines..

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4
4
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
OVERVIEW:
         I think you have some interesting concepts here. I'm always happy to see an antagonist in sci-fi that isn't the usual mega-corporation. You obviously have put considerable thought into the lore or the story, and included a lot of the minor details that help greatly to establish a fleshed out universe. You have a lot of mystery surrounding everything. This piece has a lot of interesting concepts.
         In fact, one major complaint I have is the over-abundance of indirect reference to lore we as the reader are yet uninformed of. I understand that it's a very useful literary device for grounding a story in reality, but I think you use it too much in this piece. It feels like you're getting beat over the head with the fact that you don't really know what the heck's going on. It's a thin line to walk between creating intrigue and pulling the reader into the a plot you want to hip them to gradually, and just leaving them feeling in the dark. I feel like the piece is built very much around hinting at what's happening without revealing your hand, which is kind of frustrating to me, the reader, because the narrator is obviously well informed and seems to be purposefully being enigmatic. It's like when you have a conversation with someone who knows a lot about a subject that you don't, and they just talk over you as if you should know as much as they do, but they know you don't.
         I think there might be too much set-up for future, where the reader's left to decipher what's happening without information about anything. The setting, the protagonist, his motivations, his actions, what's up with the droids, what's up with soldier, and on, and on. I realize these are questions you're meaning to pose to the reader, but it's all too much too quickly. It really removes some of the emotional impact of the scene between brannonite jacket woman and the soldier, I don't have enough information to feel any sense of empathy towards her. I felt more confused then I did concerned, if that makes sense.
         You have a very to-the-point writing style in this piece, which I think fits the story. However, I think it could use a touch more descriptions. I don't really know how anything looks, or smells. What's the architecture like? Is this a desert planet? Is hot? There's scores of people who emulate the main character's outfit, which means it probably deserves a deeper analysis then it's "a jacket and goggles". If people are going to dress like him, I would have to assume there's something iconic about his look, right? Take the Guy Faux mask for instance, would it do it justice to describe it as "a mask with a mustache and goatee"? I mean, technically accurate yes, but fails to capture what's so compelling about it.
         In conclusion, I feel like you have a great start, but pose too many questions without any answers in too short of time. Not to say they aren't interesting questions.

PLOT:
         Seems like you have something interesting in the works, but I walked away from this piece feeling lost. I think slowing down the pace a little to establish the characters and setting would help get the reader involved, especially on an emotional level. Tons of potential, but rushed basically.

CHARACTERS:
Main Character
I like the idea of this pivotal character with great importance that blends in among droves of people who emulate them. He's walking the street with people who emulate him, admire him I would assume, and yet don't realize he's right next to them.

SETTING:
         Not really addressed much.

THEME:
         You have themes imperialism, religion, military junta, and oppression popping up, which are all great topics to explore. Fertile grounds, I'd be interested to see where it all goes.

SUGGESTIONS AND NIT-PICKING:
I could feel his signal seeping into my head, despite the many hacks I had done to the implants in my brain.
I feel like you could use some stronger word choice here. Hacks I "performed", or "implemented" would, I think, be better choices.
5
5
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
OVERVIEW:
         Highlighting the beauty of spring through envisioning a world without it is an interesting approach. The eco-friendly narrative is also one I would assume would be popular in the current culture. I like the comparisons of old romance and its, let's say, corruption by modern technology.
         I do feel the tone of the story could use a more purple prose. Your writing style in this piece is very straight-forward, while the subject asks to treated a bit more romantically. I'd like to see some more poetic metaphors, and flowery descriptions. I think it would suit the subject matter well.
         I think the ending gets too heavy-handed with the "moral of the story". You really hit the reader in the face with the message. This is, of course, just my opinion, but I think you can detract from the idea you're trying to convey by being to "preachy". Not to say that "preachy" is the tone of most of the story, because it's not. You do a good job of conveying the feeling without being overly apparent with the agenda, until that last little bit. Though, the very final sentence is a good one.
         It's short, sweet, and to the point. It conveys the message you well. I think it could be expounded upon, if you wanted to. Perhaps, with some descriptions of the future world against Gma's descriptions of a past world. You could talk about Gma telling stories of immense forests, oceans of green hues undulating in the breeze. An unending domain of vibrant life, pulsating with all the music of nature. The melodic chirps of birds I've never known, and only heard in recordings. I look out now, and all I see is death. Blah, blah, dirt, blah, blah, scorched earth, blah, blah, Al Gore. You get my point. Make the reader feel the loss of Spring more, by showing them how horrible what replaced it is.

SUGGESTIONS AND NIT-PICKING:
Life is, indeed, tough now, because not even air conditioners help when the average temperature is about and around 50 ºC.
It seems a little redundant to use the terms "about" and "around", since they mean basically the same thing.
6
6
Review of Lead Paint  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
OVERVIEW:
         I like the mixture of mythology and science-fiction in this piece. Along with the "anime-esque" action sequences; I don't necessarily like that term, but I don't know how else to describe it. You've managed to hint at aspects of an intriguing universe. I really like some of the concepts you're working with. You have the beginnings of a fascinating "antagonist" with Asuria. The idea of a world on the brink of destruction, that perhaps doesn't want to be saved.
Is this meant to be a short-story or the beginning of a longer piece? I get a first chapter feel from it.

CHARACTERS:
Asuria
As I mentioned before this could be an intensely interesting character. I really dig the idea of a goddess/demon doing something that on the surface appears to be terrible, but is perhaps what people actually want. It conjures up ideas of rebirth from destruction. That there's a cycle in creation and destruction, and destruction is necessary.
My complaint would be that once the interactions with Rayus begins she becomes a little more of a typical villain. At first you get a sense of reluctance from her, which gives the character depth. You feel like she actually cares about the people, and doesn't enjoy doing what she has to do. Then Rayus comes along, and she's just another antagonistic, condescending bad-guy archetype. I could see her behaving more matronly with the boy, almost like a mother who's child is throwing a fit when she's trying to do what's best for him.
I think she's the heart of this story, and what makes it really unique.

Rayus
I don't get much of a feel for Rayus. He seems like a pretty standard action hero type. The dialogue between him and Asturia is rather bland. We get no feel for his purpose, because he doesn't think discussing it with Asuria is worth while. Unfortunately, we the reader are also left in the dark. It's hard to invest emotionally with the desires of a character when you have no concept of their motivation.

SETTING:
         I guess the setting could be better established. It's rendered rather vaguely, but since the story really revolves around Asuria it might not be that important.

THEME:
         I like the interplay of the will to live and the necessity of destruction. I'm not sure if that's what you were aiming for, but there's a glimmer of the rivalry between the two here. I think it could be expounded upon.

SPELLING and GRAMMAR:
“You've built up walls around your cities in an effort to keep what you believe to be the cause of your suffering at bay. And with that, you pretend they never existed... but in the end you've all realized it isn't that simple.”
The tense here is causes some confusion with the first half being in present tense and the second being in past tense. Perhaps something like the following makes a little more sense:
“You've built up walls around your cities in an effort to keep what you believed to be the cause of your suffering at bay; then you pretended they never existed... but in the end you've all realized it isn't that simple.”


“I’m willing to bet you regret denying them the mercy they desired,” she continued.


His helm, shaped the like the top half of a cerberus’ head also had a single, round plate over the lower(?) part of his face, fully covering his head.


SUGGESTIONS AND NIT-PICKING:

You rely on ellipses far too much, in my opinion, almost 40 times in this piece. I think most could be replaced with commas and periods without disrupting the dramatic effect, and causing less disruption of the flow of the prose. Also, you might consider a more uniform formatting of paragraph spacing, instead leaving multiple spaces between certain paragraphs; what you might lose in dramatic affect, you'll make up in readability.

Her six large, black wings spread themselves. “Forgive me...” she said softly. Her six horns shimmered from an orange glow. “For I've become a devil....”
You might think about rearranging this sentence to something like this:
"Forgive me," she said softly; spreading her six large black wings, her six horns shimmered from an orange glow, "For I've become a devil."
I think this helps to maximize the intrigue from the very beginning.


“At first glance, this world may seem like a peaceful one depending on where you look first. But underneath the joy is despair itself.”
The repetition of "first" makes this sentence a little unwieldy. You might consider removing the second first, and leaving it at "depending on where you look". Another option might be to play off the "first glance" phrase, something like:
“At first glance, this world may seem like a peaceful one; depending on where you glance first.


“To the world that desires its very end….”
The use of very "here" seems unnecessary. It doesn't really add any impact to the statement.


Wind shot upward on her, blowing her hair upward rapidly for a moment.
I'd suggest removing the repetition of "upward" here.
A gust of wind sent her hair exploding in chaotic swirls above her head.


Her furious demonic eyes glared into the red-glowing eyes of a mad dog—the full-faced helm of the young man several meters in front of her.
I think this sentence could be a little less confusing. There's a jarring disconnection between the red-glowing eyes of a mad dog and full-faced helm.


Sliding a little on the roof, he got into a stance.
This doesn't really tell me anything. You might consider being a little more specific. Dig he dig his heels into the ground, tuck his chin, and brace himself? What kind of stance?


“And whether or not you even have the strength to tempt fate,” Asuria finished.
You might consider removing the "even" here.
7
7
Review of Shaman's Trance  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this piece. The overall tone is wonderful, and I think it establishes a unique voice. The eloquent drifting language matches the overall arching theme of a wispy-meditative state. In fact what I like most about this piece is how you've established this theme so well, and from so many angles. The rhythmic structure, type-setting, the language all revolves around this central premise. Everything is beautifully balanced.

I really like one portion in particular:
when you see your blindness
you will awaken
with your eyes open in the darkness.


I guess the one criticism I can make, is I feel you could do away with a lot of the punctuation. It gives it a touch of technicality which undermines the disjointed and stream of consciousness feel that piece has.

For example:
I'm floating; neither here nor there
Through sedated space
Upon the vastness
Then upon more vastness...
With only the promise of more darkness.
Dream...it's yours...everything.


It's minor, but it's really the only thing that stuck out to me, as I read it aloud multiple times impersonating a stereotypical English villain. Now that I think about it, I can picture this sounding like Michael Caine, but I don't have a very accurate Michael Caine impression. Not that any of this matters to you.

In conclusion, I really dig this piece.

Regards,
Jacob Risenhoover
8
8
Review of Cup or Cone?  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
OVERVIEW:
         I like your conversational style in this piece, it carries your voice well. I like the parenthetical sarcasm. It's well structured and the pacing feels about right. Though, I do feel it could use a little dramatization. I would assume ice-cream truck driving is kind of dull, and this doesn't do anything to change my mind. This strikes me as a good outline with multiple facets that could be further fleshed out and developed.

Instead of just saying customers would curse you, draw out that scene. Use more emotionally charged words, like you're describing an intense conflict "they hurled expletives", they'd "lay siege to your ice-cream carriage". Take me into the truck, make me feel what it's like to have people piled up at the little window, competing vociferously for attention.

The same goes for discussing the other ice-cream truck drivers. Don't tell me to "see what happens" if I venture into domain of a competitor, tell me what happens.

The interaction between you and the teenager in the middle, doesn't strike me as particularly believable. It reminds me of movies where people ask the bartender for "a beer"; not a Bud Light, a Heineken, or anything specific, just beer.

Maybe reality did play out like you describe it here, but it doesn't feel real. I think it just lacks specificity, perhaps you could give a real specific price instead of "x amount" ie "that'll be $3.74". Perhaps, the teenager might comment at the price; either you have some dank ice-cream or terrible drugs for them to have similar price-points.

I'm not sure how concerned you are with being faithful to reality, but I could see an interaction here where the teenager's using ice-cream centric code language and you go along with him as-if you're in his wheelhouse, but in actuality you're just selling some ice-cream bar. So when he asks what kind you have, you could talk about this new stuff you have in and how it's amazing "One taste of this stuff will change your life", etc.

I think this piece is too straightforward; it needs pumped-up to accentuate the uniqueness and what's interesting about ice-cream truck driving. Everything seems almost glossed over, rendered too vaguely.

SETTING:
         You could develop the setting better. Perhaps give us a description of the truck and what it was like to work inside. This is an account of driving an ice-cream truck, yet we know nothing about the truck itself really.
9
9
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
OVERVIEW:
         What immediately strikes me about this piece is the unique narrative style of first-person present tense. It's almost stream of consciousness like, you capture the feel of following someone's thought process in the moment. It's not used often, especially in combination with switching perspective between characters. That bold stylistic choice deserves some praise in itself. It's a style that would seem to lend itself well to fast-paced plot, examining internal conflicts, and action sequences. However, it would provide a challenge in providing details of setting and characters without getting into long narratives of "this looked like that and these things were like this", which isn't really how people think, and would interfere with the "in the moment" vibe I mentioned earlier.
         You have an interesting set-up which has lots of potential for intrigue and plot twists. You have some of your classic sci-fi elements; shadow-organizations, authoritarian regimes (you never discuss directly, but I'm guessing any political body capable of sentencing someone to fight in a coliseum isn't exactly a haven of liberty).
         I would recommend studying up on military, legal, and bureaucratic lingo. Your story blends these fields together and they all have there own unique terminology and character that can be challenging to portray convincingly without a some personal experience. For instance the Fang offering options dialogue didn't seem "official" enough. The language in these types of fields tends to be "clean" and technical, void of emotional. So instead of "killed" it'd be "naturalized" or "terminated".
         In the sections with Fey referring to herself being framed I didn't feel like I was reading an account of a military operation from a soldier. I'd suggest reading some non-fiction war novels written by military vets, looking for the commonalities of speech patterns, terms, and attitudes. Storm of Steel by Ernst Junger, is one of my favorites. He has this distinctively German detachment to the horrors of war as he recounts them, that I could see being effectively instituted in the character of seasoned assassins. Perhaps even Fey herself, as she does seem to be a somewhat stoic character.
         The set-up for the framing needs work. I see couple problems with it. Who ordered Fey to operate in a marksmen capacity? Was it her squad leader during the course of the mission, or was she assigned the role during a mission briefing? Was it to provide cover fire, or eliminate a designated target? Also, snipers tend to work in pairs with spotters, which you could work into the narrative as being one of the reasons the assignment was odd. Where are they on a mission, and who found the bodies? Was it another squad sent to assess the situation when whoever was in command lost contact with Fey's squad? Did she return, find the bodies, report it to superior officers, then get detained, and accused? How do authorities stumble upon a murdered squad that was out on a mission? Where they conducting operations in an urban environment within the jurisdiction of whatever authority they were operating under? I think this needs more thoroughly explained, even if you intend to give it a more complete treatment later in the book.
         My biggest complaint would be that your writing style can be, at times, unwieldy and confusing. I've tried to provide examples below of portions I felt could use improvement. I just looked at the your profile, as the thought occurred to me that English might not be your native language, and it looks like that's the case. It's hard enough to write in a language that you're intimately familiar with, I can't imagine trying to do so in a second language. So you have my respect for that.
         Do you have a completed outline?


PLOT:
         This is hard one to discuss in the context of a novel with only a couple complete chapters. Though, I have no complaints. You set-up the overall direction the story is going to take well, while leaving a lot of wiggle room for plot-twists and intrigue.

CHARACTERS:
Fey:
         Like I mentioned earlier, Fey seems to have a touch of stoicism to her. She's in the incredibly stressful situation, but comes across rather casual. Her recounting of her squad being massacred is given with little emotion. These are people she's fought side-by-side with, she's put her life in their hands, and she talks about it in a very "eh they got bagged up, it is what it is" fashion. Which I think is interesting. It's a trait reminiscent of the "do what has to be done" type anti-hero archetype. This plays well into the hardened soldier persona.
         However, I do think she could be more effectively portrait as a military operative.

Fang:
         The shadow-organization point man. It's an interesting choice to take his perspective. I see an opportunity here to have the duality of the robotic, official, poker-faced side of the character and the behind the curtain human-being. There's definite potential for character development here as well, perhaps a switch of sides.

SETTING:
         Seems to be a near-future vibe here. You have some sci-fi tech, but USB's still in use, so I'm guessing not too far in the future. I could be wrong, as it's not fully addressed yet. Usually, I'd criticize the lack of description in this regard, but getting too wrapped up in descriptive writing wouldn't really suit the narrative style. It would be an interesting challenge to provide the necessary description of things like environments and characters without loosing the train of thought feel, as people don't tend to think about scenery and objects in the moment like writers write about scenery and objects to paint a mental image.

SPELLING and GRAMMAR:
"What took you so long? Were you sleeping in there?" I don't know how she could smile.
I'd recommend separating your dialogue and narration into separate paragraphs. This is wear the reader expects a dialogue tag "He said", "She responded", etc. Though, you could make an argument for keeping it, seeing as how you have a rather unique narrative style as it is.


I presume that stack would be other candidates within this here, yet I find it odd they would issue me this guy when they're most likely going to execute me.
Is this the right word? Within this here what? Cell-block, facility, compound.


I close my eyes. She's right.
You have a slip into past tense here.


This whole setup started when I was framed for the murder of my squad. or This whole setup started when I was framed for the murders of my squad members.
Subject-verb agreement: "Squad" as a cohesive unit is a singular noun and therefore requires a singular verb.

SUGGESTIONS AND NIT-PICKING:
Once again, the incessant buzzing reared its ugly head.
WARNING, WARNING, CLICHE DETECTED! You might consider rewording this seeing as how the term "reared its ugly head" is such a common expression.


I didn't expect my body to feel completely healed after my first real night of sleep; yet, I didn't expect to feel like I'd skipped sleeping altogether/completely either.
I'd suggest adding an adverb after the second sleeping to enforce the idea feeling like not having slept at all. I also think it helps to balance the second half of the sentence against the first.


Those words flashed the past few days before my eyes. Sentence.
The sentence structure here is a tad confusing. I thinking you're meaning to say those words caused the past few days to flash before her eyes. However, the sentence can also read like the words themselves flashed before her eyes. You might consider something like, Upon hearing those words the past few days flashed before my eyes.


Obviously, being an expert of our laws and the judicial system, you're fully aware that the courts will escalate your sentencing and will have you killed for your crimes.
Might I suggest something along the lines of you're fully aware of the sever sentencing the courts will impose; you will be executed for your crimes.

However, what you're not aware of is that there are alternatives to dying.
Here I have a couple suggestions However, what you're not aware of is that there are alternative ways to repay your debts to society or However, what you're not aware of is that there are alternatives. Paths to redemption. The second one has more flare to it I think, but runs counter to what I said earlier about making him sound more "governmental"


I suppose I divulged similar emotional responses from very similar circumstances.
A more appropriate word might be "displayed".


If you've ever been to Altekka, then I shouldn't need to elaborate on what this entails to. It is a fight arena to the death.
The "to" at the end of the first sentence seems unnecessary. The second sentence doesn't read naturally, you wouldn't say "It is a fight arena to the death" instead you might say something like "It is an arena, where participants fight to the death."


Altekka. I've heard the stories. A coliseum of sorts, centralized around the punishment and mutilation of prisoners. I'd only ever found reason to attend once. Not the sort of place I'd like to go again.
I'd suggest dropping the first half. The two concepts of having heard stories and having seen first hand are at odds with each other. If someone asks you about an particular event or place you've been to, you're not likely to lead a respond with how you've heard about it. You're more likely to just say "yeah I've been there, it's like this, that, and the other thing".


When they found their bodies with their only lead as me, being the only survivor, what chance did I have?
This sentence reads awkwardly. I'd suggest a restructuring along the lines of "There wasn't much need for a thorough investigation. They had a massacred squad, one lone survivor, and a long trail of evidence leading right to her, what chance did I have?"


The Black Swan is a league of skilled assassins only known for recruiting/obtaining/acquiring the most skilled personnel/operatives/agents.


Nothing here warrants this much interest from the Swan.
10
10
Review of The Secret Race  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
General
This is a great start to story, but seems completely unfinished. The premise is interesting, but never realized.
The voice of the narrative is strong, and fits with the content. The writing itself is good, with enough descriptive language to establish the scene, but not so much that it mires down the story.
It's feels like there should be more commas, but I'm not the best with the technical aspects myself, so I won't delve too much into it.

Lucas’ right leg relaxed and the accelerator rose. His truck slowed. His body slipped down into his seat belt. It cradled him as his truck veered left until it eased off the blacktop came to rest in the soft grassy medium.

I think the word you're looking for here is median, not medium.

“Least it’s a warm night,” he muttered as he pushed open his side door and stepped out into the night. “It’s just mile home-been walkin’ all night one more mile won’t kill me. Guess I could call my somebody, but its goin‘on five in the mornin, no need to spoil somebody‘s else’s night. I‘ll just leg it,” He said as he clumped around the front of his truck, froze and rolled his eyes up and finally saw what had been following him since he left work.

The "my" in "Guess I could call my somebody," should be "me".

He blinked willing it away. It would not go. “I know what this. It’ll come to me in a minute!” He was yelling now. They did not react. They not even radiate. They were just faceless white spheres that did not move. So he did.

I think you're missing an "is" after this in the first sentence of dialogue.

“Fine.” He said tromping up the medium, “I’m goin’ feel like fool when I get there look up and see a helicopter or a balloon looking down at me, but that’s all right-least I’ll know.” With that he marched across highway not bothering to look both ways before he crossed. He was not about to give the thing a chance to just fly away and leaving wondering for the rest of his life. The lights, however, did not move.

You might consider giving an idea of how high up these lights are hovering. I found myself figuring at most 100 feet, since they were described as "teasing the tree tops" earlier, but if Lucas would think they were possibly helicopters then they could potentially be much higher.

Blinding brilliance bore down into his eyes straight into the core of being-his DNA, bound within its irresistible pure whiteness potent intent and inescapable purpose-but more than anything justification.

I think you you missed a "his" before.

Plot
I can't honestly say a plot ever really develops in this piece. There's a glimmer of one, to be sure. I think you should consider continuing with this piece. What happens to Lucas after the encounter? What are the spheres? What is this new reality Lucas is supposed to discover like?

Characters
Lucas is an interesting character. An average Joe who finds himself in extraordinary circumstances.

Dialog
Something struck me as slightly inauthentic. Perhaps, it the inconsistent country vernacular he displays. Though this is minor, really. It works.

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11
11
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great and helpful introduction to the site. Honestly, I can't think of any suggestions for improvement.

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#1837629 by Not Available.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this piece. It's a reality check. Often we get so caught up in our lusts for insignificant things, and it's necessary to be forced to acknowledge that there's a lot of people in the world barely have what they require to survive.

I like how the language, generally, stays fairly child-like. "Stinky, smelly bear", and "call us nasty names" for example are phrases I would expect from a child.

There's a strong rhythm to this poem that really carries you through it. The rigorous rhyme scheme of paired lines is enforced by internal rhymes and alliteration. Overall, I'm saying I enjoyed the construction as well as the content.

I did notice a few lines that could, possibly, be improved upon.
Beer and smokes is all I need, we often hear him say,
but a little food occasionally is all I ask and pray.


The "occasionally" in the second line causes the beat to stumble. I think it might flow better if a syllable was removed from the second line. Perhaps, "but a little food for us to eat, is all I ask and pray". I think the repetition with food and for, along with the interplay between eat and need, would help strengthen the rhythm, even more.

I also noticed some places that I think could use a comma, but I'll be honest with you, my comma placement is based more on intuitive feeling than technical understanding. I could be full of it in the following examples.

I ask you Jesus, from my heart, to send some food and cheer,
and not another box of Scotch or stinky smelly beer.

I was bad the other day, while walking through the store,
I stole a can of pork and beans and ran right through the door.

For sister Sue I told myself, to help and make her heal,
to save her life, and make her right, I would beg or steal.


Congratulations on the great poem, and thanks for the your service to our country.

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13
13
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This piece seems to be wishing to escape from being cooped up. Perhaps, overcome one's own self-imprisonment. I enjoyed it. It really captures that feeling of wishing you were doing more with your life, getting out and experiencing something.
At least, I hope it conveys all that. To be honest, I'm not great with interpreting poetry, and I was doing my best to sound like I really knew what I was talking about.

THE GOOD:
I like the sentiment conveyed in lines 8 and 9, about apathy and desperate years. The idea that too much time spent suffering can cause one to give-up, and stop caring.

Also, I like lines 11, with night bowing to morning. I seems to convey an idea that such mood-swings are a natural occurrence. A part of life to be dealt with.

THE BAD (not necessary bad, just suggestions for improvement. I have to say "bad" in order to shoe-horn this review into the theme I've chosen for this review. A hack theme, I should add. So hack in fact, I wouldn't blame you for disregarding my opinion entirely out of hand, but don't because I'm going to make some reasonable observations below... maybe, I mean, I hope so.):
It would seem you're trying to adhere to 8 syllable lines, and I noticed lines 4 and 6 fall one short. Line 4 could be "The wind scented with AN herbal mist". Line six could be brought into a proper syllable count by changing to "Oh idle days, caged within my rooms,". Though, I'm not sure how concerned you are with remaining rigidly French.

The omission of the "e" in desperate in line 9 struck me as awkward at first, thinking that the e didn't change the pronunciation, and therefore omitting it only altered the syllable count in a technical sense. However, after about a minute of talking to myself saying "des-PER-it, desp-rit, des-PER-it, desp-rit" I changed my mind. I know one thing that could be omitted entirely without any need for me to look like a second grader with some new vocabulary flash-cards, this paragraph.

Finally, I'm not a fan of lines 16 and 17, with Autumn's sky. I'm about to accuse you of something, and you might not like it, but it's about to get real. That's right, batten down the hatches lady (or guy, I'm assuming lady, but if you are a man sorry, not that there's anything wrong with being a lady, of course).
I think you're cheating the system. You moved "sky" down a line, and kept the syllables structured. However, it doesn't feel natural. That being said, cheat the system all you want. I won't stop you, it never did anything for me. You know what I'm saying?

THE UGLY:
Me on January first. I looked like somebody hit me in the face with a bag full of "what the heck happened to you". Which is neither here nor there, but again, I had to stick with my hack theme.

In conclusion, congratulation on the beautiful poem.

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14
14
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
General
This is a good start to a story, and an interesting topic. The biggest issue I see with this piece is the formatting. This really needs broken into paragraphs. As it is now, it's very hard to read.

I've also picked out some sentences that are a little hard to understand.

He was touching them as if he reached out with his own to hands and ran them slowly over their skin.

Here I think you meant "two" as opposed to "to". However, that's not my problem with this sentence. The feel of it doesn't seem as emotionally evocative as it should be. It think a more romantic word choice, maybe if instead of merely touching them, he gently caressed them.

Just a blissful silence, a oneness that few will ever know let only understand.

I'm thinking you were going for "let alone understand". Another suggestion on word choice: I think "know" is too strong for the sentiment. It might serve to convey an idea that few would experience even a passing acquaintance with such a feeling.

It was in this feeling that he offered to him he spoke.

I'm not sure what to make of this.


Like watching a bud erupt into a flower.

This I like. Nice imagery.

Plot
Has great potential for development, but for now I don't think there's enough in the of plot yet for me to offer any meaningful opinion.

Characters
Cult leaders are such fascinating characters. Incredibly confident, charming nut-jobs who can completely enrapture people. What more could you ask for?
I'd look forward to some grandiose and reverent dialogue from this guy.

Setting
Not much in the way of setting has developed yet, so I'll skip it.

Dialog
I like it so far. He has that vague and mystical styling of a good religious/cult leader character. I like the use of rhetorical questions, from my experience, it's a popular technique amongst spiritual leaders, and therefore lends a sense of authenticity to the character.
15
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, I read all three of the journal entries you've posted so far. The pacing is appropriate. I would say something about needing more information about the setting, but as it would appear that this is more supplementary work to another project, I can see it not being necessary.

I’m 16 so she has to be 15, we have grown so much since my first summer here five years ago.

I don't see how it follows that because he is 16 she must be 15.

”should the drink take me before a lonely heart, I’ll leave my business to you.”

An enjoyable line

I’ve always heard other men talk about bandits but I’ve never actually seen any. Well, maybe I have, but it probably isn’t something you find out until it is too late.

Another enjoyable line

I also like the concept of creating some bonus material for a primary project. Fantasy as a genre seems to be very popular genre for writers, I think, because it allows more freedom in creation. One can create the world they need for their story without being bound to any existing circumstances. However, a lot of writers neglect that such freedom comes with the extra work load of fleshing out an entire world; one that the reader has no previous experience with which to fill gaps.
So kudos to you for taking the extra step.

As an aside; I feel foolish for using the word "kudos" like I'm some kindergarten teacher congratulating lil' Jimmy for not eating the Elmer's glue this time.
16
16
Review of I Am Not a Hero  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
General
Overall, I enjoyed this story quite a bit. I think it could possibly use a little more description of settings and characters; what was Kaltor wearing, what did the throne-room look like, etc.
Spelling and grammar all seem solid, but the critique of those mechanics isn't really my forte.

There is one sentence I think is a touch superfluous.
The simple village boy I was grew to be a man.


Plot
I think a nice plot-twist could be developed in this story, if the foreshadowing was toned down in the beginning. Maybe open explaining what the people think the main character is, while subtly insinuating that, perhaps, such is not the case.

Also, the part where the prophet insists that the main character lie, doesn't make much sense to me. Why does the prophecy have to be viewed as accurate if it's already been fulfilled? Is the prophet merely trying to cover up the mistake of his people?

I think it would also provide a better motivation for the guilt experienced by the main character if he chooses to lie of his own accord, and it would be believable. Perhaps, allow the character a moment of truth with the prophet. Say the prophet was unconscious during the culmination of the battle, and awakens afterwards. The main character has an opportunity to come clean, but submits to the fear and the guilt at that moment sending him down the path of living a lie. Once we take the first step in dishonesty, we're more likely to continue deeper into it. I think it could make for a nice climatic moment.

Of course, that's just my opinion, and I'm no J.R. Tolkien (obligatory disclaimer of my opinion, and reference to the only well known fantasy author I could think of without turning to Google).

Characters
The motivation and behavior was authentic. The depth to which the characters were handled seems appropriate to the length of the piece.

Setting
Like I said earlier, the setting could be described a little more thoroughly.
17
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed this story considerably. It’s concise, without seeming to lack anywhere. I can’t think of any advice for improvement; so this will be one of those laudatory reviews. That, while not constructive to writing to technique, serves to boost an artist’s ego.

The voice in this story is perfect. It’s subtle, yet I found myself adopting an elderly tone before Rose’s age is even revealed.

At the ripe old age of eighty-five, you took your fun where you could reach it.

This line stuck out to me. It seems to me a turn of phrase for “where you could find it”, yet “reach” captures the sense of decreasing capabilities. Though, perhaps I’m merely over analyzing something quite obvious solely for the sake of being verbose, which in turn provides me with the feeling of being productive.

Well, there is one minor error.
This
He was a mess and all spattered mud from the hose.

Should perhaps be
He was a mess and all spattered with mud from the hose.
18
18
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You have erected a reasonable skeleton. However it lacks flesh. The idea of warrior women is always intriguing; it runs counter to the cultural positions in which women are still placed, which occasions the opportunity to explore the oft forgot facets of femininity; strength, resilience, resolve.

You’re rocking some grammatical issues, which I’ll only mention briefly. Such trivialities can be administered to later, and are more a matter of polish. There’s an occasional mix up of tense. For now let us concern ourselves with more pertinent matters.

I would like to see the universe you are constructing more defined. There is an obvious Japanese influence (katanas, ninjas), though from the descriptions of scenery I get more of a Nordic feel (animal hide clothing, snowy terrain). However, I’m uncertain, and therein lies a problem. Perhaps, it’s heavily Japanese, you could throw in a Shinto shrine or some other such anchor to tie the story to a specific setting. Not saying you have to go all Tolkien and plot every landmark within a hundred miles of where your character is standing.

I feel as though this first chapter could be expounded into a good three or four. You cover too much ground to quick. I must insist you murdered Lynn far too soon. This is a culminating act; you provide a climax with no crescendo. When pacing plot you must build to these dramatic moments. It was hard for me, as a reader to feel much when Lynn is struck a fatal blow. I didn’t know her. You might consider backing the beginning story up further, developing the relationship between Faren and Lynn.

The relationship between sisters is a complex one, compounded when one is steward as well as sibling. Explore that. Lynn is a hard-case, but understandably so. She was forced to raise a child, as a child. No easy task, to be certain. Make the reader experience the love between these two sisters. Make them respect Lynn, admire her. Then when her heart is pierced we feel the loss.

Also, you might work adding some decoration to your writing style. Fantasy, perhaps above all other genres, benefits from flowery prose.

Hope, this isn’t too discouraging. I look forward to seeing further chapters, and revisions.
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