I can see the depth and purpose of this story and believe it to have the potential to achieve your goals with some minor adjustments.
I find that the principles that the story alludes to, conflict with the encouragers words and the protagonists thoughts. For one thing, the queen of make up doesn't perform any mean or negative actions against anyone, as a matter of fact her actions evoke more empathy because it seems that she is making efforts to not just depend on her looks by even coming to the library trying to fit in to an intellectual setting. Either add some conflict instigated by her or go easy on her knowing that the two individuals although coming from opposite ends of the spectrum strive for similar goals. The beauty striving for intellectual acceptance and the intellect striving for aesthetic acceptance.
By having the main character look at the queen of makeup as a hideous thing, makes it sound simply of jealousy since the beauty queen does not do or say anything negative of her in this piece. Also, assuming it is true that beauty is only skin deep then the protagonist should be encouraged to accept herself as she is and in turn everyone else equally. This gives a deeper meaning, by the end she should be able to wipe her tears and walk back in with a smile and renewed joy beaming from her that now gains the same attention as the appearance of the beauty queen.
Here are the errors I found:
Para 1 5th sentence " "...concentrating in...." was the word "in" intentional or should it be "on"?
Para 2 Last Sentence "...this type of girls" should be "..these types of girls" or "..this type of girl"
Para 3 1st sententce "...focussed" should be focused
Para 5 "...her self ego" omit "self"
Para 6 omit last two words "...for granted"
Overall I see that the antagonist is the queen of makeup.
OMG that was intense! Down to the very last worked, you have effectively implemented suspense and anxiety in this piece so impressive!
Furthermore you have captured the true mind of children. My youngest daughter is 9 years old and this is exactly what she would have said to her brother who is a bit older, yet would have dared her in the exact same way! "...at him, the gaping expanse of riverbed, and she squelched a shiver. "Are you crazy?" I laughed out loud cuz I just pictured her and the face that goes along with it while slightly turning elbow lunge away him as if he would grab her and push her to it. Also, as insensitive as boys can act at times the truth behind those words was pure fear and worry for her and some where deep inside aa deep respect for her bravery as he would only think of doint and not dare try.
Imagery was absolutely perfect and as I read this I sitting on my porch in Savannah, Ga surrounded by tig luscious trees and picking visualized their surroundings immediately I was thier with them.
I found no grammatical or punctuation errors. I am stuck between the horror of believing she fell in and faith that she actually made it and just beleives she didn't, or even that she fell in broke an arm or leg but is still alive, great writing!
I can tell this poem was from your heart because I am able to relate based on my own experience with a past love and heartbreak. I admire your passion and liberty in opening up to share your pain through poetry.
As I have been told and come to believe it is best to leave out unnecessary words and I see that rings true in this poem. hopefully you will notice the following changes give this piece a better flow without changing the meaning:
3rd stanza : "Time we filled with sun and rain"
"I'll never regret playing the game."
4th stanza "You played well, expert at hearts"
"You made love, incredible art"
5th stanza "My heart was in chains, rusted and blocked"
"With only a whisper, you melted the lock"
6th stanza "Set free and yearning to give you my all"
"Rushed in too fast to avoid the fall"
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/all4u2c33
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:32pm on Dec 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
