I love your writing style in this story! Congratulations on winning. This was pretty much a perfect story (I just wish it was longer, which of course it couldn't be since it was for this contest).
Very nice. I like the flow of your poem and especially the surprise at the end! My only suggestion is that I don't think you need a semicolon at the end of this line:
The little girl is just a thief;
I see her every day.
I think a comma would do here. Otherwise, I have no suggestions.
I think you have a good beginning to your story. I did notice that "eleventh old baby" was probably meant "eleven month old baby", but otherwise everything looks good. Keep writing!
Wow. That was very well written, and moving as well. I always find it hard to tell a complete story in so short a space and usually have to skip on some of the descriptions. You didn't have to do that, and your words painted a vivid picture of the tattoo. Good job and congratulations on your win.
There is a nice, nostalgic feel to this. I wish you had chosen a different football example than Staubach, but that's just me (fly, Eagles fly). Anyway, I liked this.
Good contest! I'm surprised at the number of answers at either extreme (62 one's and 39 five's). I hope the one's don't really think that. I have yet to read anything that I would rate a one (except for the deliberately bad poetry). Anyway, I thought this was interesting.
I'm not sure, really, how to review a piece like this. The writing was good, and you managed to convey some very strong and raw emotions, which couldn't have been easy to do. I hope that you get the healing you are looking for, even if your father never says those words - or anything like those words - to you. I hope that you believe them anyway, even though they came from you and not him. They are still true.
I like your story, and think that you struck a very strong emotional chord while maintaining a realistic scenario. The only part that I thought didn't flow well was the following:
"He was my brother. I go out there every day ready to take a bullet for another badge, do you think I would do less for my flesh and blood? Besides, he had you and your mom." He shrugged. "What do I got?"
First of all, I would separate the second sentence and make it two by putting a period after badge. Second, I thought that "What do I got?" seemed out of character for Jared. He seems to be educated, and is more likely to say "have" instead of "got. Also, the self pity seems out of character (maybe not that he felt it, but that he said it). I realize that you need it to set up the ending, but since Jared seems to be a straight shooter, I could see him saying it more like, "I don't have anything" or something like that. This, obviously, is just my opinion; you know your characters better than I do.
Wow! I wish that more people (of any religion) were as open and honest with their beliefs, and more importantly, were as open minded with their beliefs. I truly believe that the world would be a better place. As for your belief that Jesus was influenced by Buddhism, I think that you are correct. There are many similarities between Jesus' words and the Buddhist teachings. You wrote a very insightful letter to your friends, and I hope that they responded positively. Thanks for sharing.
I like the flow of your narrative, and the idea of seeing these events from the eyes of the cross. What I liked about the story most was the mystery in the beginning, where we aren't sure who or what the story is about. Once we see the manger scene, and the mystery was revealed, I was still interested to see where you went with the story. I think that you did a good job with this.
I think that this is a very good poem. Your analogy is very strong, and I like the way that you show that the pain of life can come and go and then even when you think you are healed, there's always the danger of something coming along and ripping the scab off so that the pain starts anew. Very good.
I thought this was a sad poem, but I liked the imagery. My only suggestion would be to change the first "of" to "to" in this line: "of a time of smiles". Good job!
I thought this was a clever take on the prompt and an apt title. I do have one suggestion. The paragraph listed below seems to be redundant, as it follows this sentence: "Although, the few that saw anything claimed it was the Providers."
The most recent abductions happened just over a week ago. Again a large number were taken at night. Eye witnesses reported that it was the Providers, but could not substantiate the claim with any evidence.
I think you could eliminate the paragraph and the story would flow better. Good luck in the contest!
I thought this was very good and that it has an important and powerful message. In particular, I liked the way you have Buddha fighting Mara, in a more traditional way (peaceful resistance versus the poisoned arrow). My favorite part of the poem was the first two lines:
The wish I have today:
turn arrows into flowers.
Overall, I found this to be an engaging poem that was very well written.
What I liked best about this poem was your obviously strong feelings on the subject. Personally, I've never been to one of these types of services and so can't judge their quality or lack thereof. There are a few things that I think you could do differently which would improve your poem. First of all, I think you want the word "bass" rather than "base" to describe the drums. Second, I thought the flow of the poem was awkward in places. For example, the third to last line has 15 syllables in it, where most of the rest of the lines have 11 or 12 (with a few 13's and one each of 9 and 10). For me, as a reader, I like the flow of poems better when the lines either have the same (or close to the same) number or syllables, or where there is a pattern to the lines. I hope this helps!
I think that your poem sends a good message, and I liked the flow of it. I do have one suggestion, however. I would insert a comma after flower in the second line:
"the flower, she sits."
This would help make in clearer that you are speaking about the flower, and not that some other female is sitting by the flower (that was my first impression, and I thought you missed the word "by"). There are some other areas in the poem where you missed capitalizing the first word of the sentence. I don't know that capitalization is required in poetry, but some of your sentences start with capitals and others don't. I think it would be better and help the flow of the poem for the reader if they were capitalized. Thanks for sharing, and I hope this helps.
I think that this was very well done and your words are haunting. In particular I thought the fourth stanza was very powerful. I'm not great with the technical aspects of poetry, so I'm afraid I can't really help, if that's the kind of review you're looking for. I only know that your words resonated with me. Hope this helps.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/all-in-my-head
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 11:14am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
