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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aliekhat
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6 Public Reviews Given
16 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Like A Flower  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This has been one of the best poems I have read in a very long time. I do not have the gift of rhyme but any others do. This far surpasses even the ones I found most gifted.

Each verse had meaning and kept in theme with the others, not an easy feat. Also you had great flow throughout. The ending was heartfelt and wrapped in a smile for the audience.

This is the first 5 star ratings I have ever given, but I sincerly feel there is nothing you can do to improve this great work.

Thank you for sharing it!
Warmest Regards,
A~K

Aliekhat
I'm a newbie in The Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project

>>>AND<<<

A Proud Member Of The Angel Army
2
2
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found this piece very creative. It is a good start for a fine piece. I do feel that it is in a very young stage and needs some finishing touches to reach maturity.

Grammar-some food for thought:
Punctuation needs to be used appropriately. There are many exclamation points. It seems the main character is constantly yelling not just aloud but in her own mind. You can emphasize excitment in many ways. Try using more adjectives or even stating : she yelled, screamed, screeched, etc... they can convey the same meaning. If you rely heavily upon punctuation to share your meaning you will loose the audience's attention. You need to use your words to share the emotion and punction only enhances that which you've written.

Avoid run on sentences, if you are having issues determining which are/are not run ons read it aloud and see if you can make it a seperate sentences. Chances are you can meaning a comma didn't help it. Also watch the capitlizations of things such as; Sentence beginings, proper nouns (Nike Shocks) etc... Be mindful of repetative words such as: 'like,like a horrible person." There quite a few instances in which the inforect form of a word was used: "to" and should have been "too". The use of the mothers name is not quite accurate. use a comma instead of the parenthesis. Also keep in mind that if it is not important to the story, it is useless information and detracts the reader from what they need to know or pay attention to.

Structure, how to improve it:
Your begining, middle, and end of your story are present. However, it is not so clear as to how you have gotten there. I sense a chronological order by starting in the morning, having lunch, at school, and eating dinner with the family. What is hard to figure out is the order of events in between. A good written work should be able to play like a movie in the readers mind. Not too much elaboration on the effects should be done by the reader. That is the writer job.

Try using more descriptions of the background to place where the characters are. This will add to the flow of the story and also help to show why the characters are doing what they are doing or why they are reacting so. There were a few instances where I did not know if the kids were or were not in class. A lack of atmosphere also convolutes the thoughts. It lacks organization and therefore makes the reader a bit confused. You never want the reader to have to re-read a paragraph as they missed something. Of course we all do it at times but you dont want it to be because the story is confusing.

Finally for flow and effect, try breaking out your paragraphs a little more. Normally the general rule of thumb is 3-5 sentences per graph but when you are using a computer, You may want to decrease that for easy reading. If a reader has a large novel in front of them, you do not want to inundate them with big block graphs that are more intimidating. People will tend to pass on reading it OR go into it thinking "uggh, this will take forever." This will deterr them from your work and start out a loosing race before they start.

I know there seems to be a lot of criticism in this review. Please know that this is only the opinion of one person. It is in no way a reflection of you, your character, or your ability. The beauty of opinions is you do not have to take it and it is not "fact". Take what you want of this advice and disgard the rest.

We as writers take our work seriously; its an extension of ourselves, how could we not. However, just as I want honest critique, I feel that looking at the opions of others can only make me a better, more successful writer. After all you are my audience. Your opinion will matter on weather or not you will or won't read the tale I have to tell.

I see this work as something that will little effort could be superb. Please do not let this daunt or discourage you. I have been here, and in some cases still am! Keep on going, keep working on it and in a short time you will be looking at rave reviews before you know it!

Thanks for sharing your work with me, I hope to watch it grow!

Warmest Regards,
A~K

Aliekhat
I'm a newbie in The Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project
3
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Review of Writing  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I feel this is a great start, you have something here! I like the introspection you have flowing throught the piece. Gives depth and perspective. It is consistent!

there are a few things I noticed that I see possible improvements on.

The description you have on the piece is misleading. After reading it I do not see it as a poem about writing at all, but more using writing as a metaphor for life. This is a poem in fact about life and the history of it. How it changes, missed things and treasured memories.

Age is a key and you open the poem with that, "Time slips slowly over faded lines". I see a black and white or brown and white setting where you have someone holding old quill in hand and marks flowing over an old milled page that is yellowed even new; before the invention of bleach. Only the hand writing and a window in the background fast forwarding the ages past while the hand slowly writes and grows older, wrinkles and spotted. That is what I see in this poem.

You paint a great picture. Some areas I would improve upon, change up your words a bit more. The last two lines of your poem end with the same words. This would be a great effect if you did this througout. As you did not, it breaks up the flow.

I would add a line space so that it is easier to read. Your format is great making the sentances swoop in and out like the strokes of a brush, Great effect, but double spacing will embelish that effect as well as allow more adjustment for the eyes while reading.

As a finishing touch Finally is putting an end to the story, the life, the memory permenately. I like the ending, however again it does not allow the flow to continue,. It is abrupt. One word. I think you can acheive the same dramtacism by using more words. Such as "The End". or "Here it ends, it comes to a close etc...It may be cliche, but it is the ending of a written work, fititng, no? If you want it to be more of somthing drastic I understand for effect. However do not sacrifice your flow to accomplish it.

I have found that most poetry that flow is one of the hardest things to master. I am faulty all the time. It is one thing I look for as I am trying to better myself at it as well.

You are good, you paint a fabulous picture for the reader. Keep it up and I see Poetry awards in your future!

Warmest Regards,
Aliekhat
I'm a newbie in The Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project
4
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Review of The Ruse Emerges  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sadly I have not paid close enough attention to the ads that are displayed!

That said, you make some very valid points and I agree from a morality perspective. As a writer I want my work taken seriously and I do not want people to make a "Profit" off of my work as most of it is raw emotion from one aspect or another. Just as your friend, I too have an 'ode' to my father whose passed on and wouldn't want a funeral add near it.

However, I do also realize the method in which I am choosing to share my heartfelt work. I choose to use this venue. I could have spent more time researching in the "free" realm as your friend as well before commiting out of pocket, Servers are not free. They cost money to run and maintain., In order to make it a zero out of pocket showcase for me and your friend , someone must pay to have it available. Advertising is that animal.

One thing to keep in mind, if it didn't work, it wouldn't be in business... there are enough people out there that will click on those ads and will actually make purchases. You cannot control those around you only yourself.

This is not an arguement for or against, however you must see that your friend chose to use this venue for whatever reason AND pay for it., You cannot really blame others for that choice. If you want to blame anyone, blame the human existence for having differences in morality and the greed in wanting to have others proud of them and cannot do it themselves. If we could all toot our own horns, things like WDC wouldn't exist!
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