This reminds me of the poems written by Japanese poets after the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It is beautiful in its hideous irony, stark in its richness. Just fantastically worded.
My only suggestion for possible improvements here would be to play a bit with punctuation. Using hyphens, dashes, colons, semicolons, commas, etc., you can control the way your reader reads this, and thus the way he or she experiences it, allowing for an even more profound impact.
Thank you for posting this. If you don't keep writing with your talent, I'll have to slit my wrists. ;) Really excellent work.
What a beautiful little poem about Irish pride. I like your use of enjambment. The rhymes can use a little work so they're not quite so forced in some places, but overall it works brilliantly. Your word choice is excellent and precise. You paint some excellent images for us, allowing us to see what is going on in vivid detail.
One technical note: In the third line "For ever Irish;" ought to be "Forever Irish." Certainly not a deal breaker, but little errors such as this pull us out of the poem.
Thank you for sharing this brilliant piece of writing - keep writing please.
This is an excellent piece - it pulls emotions from us and paints a gripping picture of the lives of too many children in the world who are impoverished.
I especially like the use of italicized stanzas to speak directly to the reader - this is used to a good effect. My only suggestion is that it might perhaps be better to abandon the rhyme scheme. Some of the wording feels forced because you were trying to get the rhyme in there. Try rephrasing once without the rhyme and see if you like it better that way.
Eats shoots and leaves is a fabulous book - kudos on reading it. Many grammar geeks disagree with some of the things she has to say in it, but overall she provides an excellent basic guide to punctuation. If you're really interested in reading about the mechanics of writing, I would recommend two fantastic books by Bill Walsh. They are "The Elephants of Style" and "Lapsing Into a Comma." Both are absolutely wonderful, funny, insightful looks into the world of words. They're geared toward newspaper editing, but they're excellent for general use as well.
Thanks for the poll - it's nice to know I'm not the only person who obsesses about their commas.
This has some excellent points and, as a poem, it brings a lot to the table.
My suggestion for this would be to remove some of the details. You tell us so much that we aren't left anything to decide for ourselves. For example, take this stanza:
You wonder why I'm anorexic
You really can't tell?
My daddy blames my mommy
"She's not eating. Why?"
My mommy just doesn't know
"I can't force her, can I?"
I think it would be much more powerful if you just removed the second line. Reread it like this:
You wonder why I'm anorexic
My daddy blames my mommy
"She's not eating. Why?"
My mommy just doesn't know
"I can't force her, can I?"
You pull back from that editorial commenting and just state what is going on. This lets the reader draw the line from parents blaming each other and giving in to the anorexia.
Thank you for sharing what is obviously a very personal work. Keep writing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! This is exactly how I feel about reviews. I good review that has a negative view of my work is always much more helpful than a poorly written review by a person who loves it. Thanks for a well-written piece with some practical reviewing tips.
P.S. I dropped you down to 4.5 because I found all the emoticons distracting.
I love this - it's fun and powerful at the same time. I like the juxtaposition of what women are supposed to be now, while the reader is aware that this isn't exactly what's going on.
I do question whether the questions at the end of each stanza are necessary. I think this piece would be more powerful with just the couplets, then perhaps a single line stanza at the end with a "Right?" or "What is that" or something of that nature.
Otherwise great work - I especially love the stanze "There is no need to bend / to the infant whims of men" - excellent rhyme and meter, as well as a powerful punch for the statement.
Keep writing!
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