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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aliceconroy
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Review by Alice Conroy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
If anything, this narrative pretty much sums up what it is to be trans*. I'm not sure if I would feel this way if I was cis, but at times it begins to feel heavy-handed; many of the events you describe (the school therapist, the "it's just a phase" conversation, the childhood experiences, the dreadful stepfather) begin to feel a bit like tropes (not because they are, just because these are very common experiences). Detail is the enemy of trope, and if you try to paint a more detailed picture than these experiences will form a story greater than the sum of it's parts. Ask yourself exactly what the picture you want to paint looks like-what was the mother like? How did the grass really feel underneath the narrator's feet? How did the stepfather's voice sound?

I've always had a hard time with narratives because I tend to tell rather than show; you could go in either direction here. Do you want to explain how it feels to be transgender, or do you want to tell the story of a life defined by these trials? The story has potential to do very well as either-I'd just recommend add a bit more detail. I really can't tell you how great a job you do condensing the very core of what being transgender is; I remember having the same internal conversation in front of the mirror. Try and use that same type of detail and voice in the rest of the narrative; I can't wait to see where this goes; Keep it up!
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Review of Who am I?  Open in new Window.
Review by Alice Conroy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is heartbreaking, raw, and real. The way you describe your thoughts are especially wrenching-hollowness, mute, depraved-the language here is simply beautiful. The first verse is very strong, and the third is truly amazing; my only critique is that the second verse didn't feel as present. The language is very metaphorical, which feels like a break from the stark reality that surrounds it. I wish I had more advice to offer, but this is just beautiful. Hang in there-at the risk of sounding incredibly hackneyed, it really does get better.
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