Overall thoughts: I like it! In my opinion, it could use a little work, with the punctuation, and whatnot, but overall I found it very enjoyable to read.
Thoughts on Improvement: The first few words "Wake up" "Wake up": there's no punctuation there and when the next sentence comes along it doesn't make any sense. Depending on the feeling you are trying to invoke in the read I would suggest putting an exclamation point at the end of both of them, and at the second time the alarm clock tells her to wake up, I would attach the next paragraph to that. For example:
"Wake Up!"(If you want to invoke a more violent, or sudden feeling to the reader use an exclamation mark. If you want to seem calmer then use a ".")
"Wake Up!" Blared the alarm on Carly's phone.
It was 6AM. (continue on-)
End Conclusion: Great job! I loved the short story, and really there wasn't that much to fix (if you feel necessary to correct it of course). Keep on writing!!
Overall thoughts: I loved it! You used treated descriptions, and I felt what this woman was feeling about the man. The hyper-focus on the man also seems to bring to life what the woman feels in the situation. All her focus and fear was on him and that showed through her actions as well as her thoughts.
Thoughts on improvement: The paragraphs are tightly packed. You see, when writing is so close together the words either blend together or get lost in the rest of the writing. This happened when I first read the scene. I had to reread the first paragraph to get all the details about the man and his personality. What you should do is after any complete thought, (for example after these sentences there would be a paragraph break:
"Where his laugh, while sounding normal, felt like nails on a chalkboard"
"He heard without listening"
and "The kind of nervous a rabbit feels, hiding under a bush, as a wolf stalks the perimeter, sniffing right near her feet." )
Overall it was a very nice piece and all you have to do is give it the paragraph breaks it needs and it is good to go! I hope to be able to review and read more of your work soon!
Overall Impression: Wow! I loved this story. It was a perfect mix of mystery, dystopia, and it kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time! It was really written like a diary or journal too. Some days it was about the parasite and others it was just a little random like Natalie was capturing her thoughts on paper just so she wouldn't forget, but they added character to her, and gave the reader more knowledge on her.
Possible Fixes: In February 10th, there's a long paragraph. It was good, but I think you should break it up some. My eyes played tricks on me, and I ended up getting lost and having to reread the paragraph a few times to make sure I understood it correctly.
Overall, I really liked this! I hope you plan to make another part to this story, because I can't wait to see what happens March.
Aw, I loved this! Glad to find another Sander Sides fan! I loved reading this, honestly. I still haven't figured out all my sides names yet. I have Anxiety, or Andy, Morality, whose name depends on the day and witches between Oliver, Rachel, and Jacob, Creativity, haven't figured out their name yet, Dark Creativity, we call them DC, Logic, whose name is James, Deceit, we don't know their name yet, and Depression, her name is Lucy.
I loved this. I normally don't review poetry, because it's not my favorite type of writing, but this really spoke to me. As a LGBTQ+ student, this day brings me great joy and hurt. The first time, years ago, I celebrated this was when my dad, a pastor, and I had an argument about why I wasn't talking, and that's when I came out to him. I still do not talk on the day of silence. I have to say that I love every line of this poem. You used wonderful wording, and I hope you keep on writing.
I loved this! Very comedic, and I love how the husband just shrugs it off like, "Woked a lot better than that insecticide". I wish they could come over to my house and do the same thing!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/alexgrimborn
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 4:19pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "