This was a wonderful read! The few times I've read a story on this site I generally will hit stumbling blocks that I then have to point out via (unfortunately critical) review. Not with your story. Well crafted and excellent flow.
You sir are a fine writer.
Alan
Very well done, I like your writing style. I will leave the more advance reviewing for those that get into such things. I just wanted you to know I found it an entertaining read.
First let me say I liked your story..but..there were a couple of things that stood out to me that I think couple be changed to make it gold. Secondly (and know I only critique to be helpful not hurtful) early on I think you use the word 'carefully' too many times in a matter of only a few sentences: He carefully wrapped the stick, carefully tucked the box under his arm and he carefully placed it under the bed. If you could think of similar words to carefully or find them in a thesaurus then you could have three different words that mean basically the same thing. Carefully could be one of them of course. Lastly (and the biggy) the first half of the story you tell in third person and then the second you switch to first person. Now unless that is some new thing in writing the last I heard doing that was a big no-no. You have a good tale and if you fix these two things it could be great. It's a learning process for us all! I have to fix my stuff ALL the time! Thanks for the story! :) Alan
Hi Fischer. What stands out to me about this paragraph is that in a matter of a couple of lines you've used the word 'tone' three times, bariTONE, chipper TONE and bemused TONE. I would tone it down a bit.
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