\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aklafaery
Review Requests: OFF
4 Public Reviews Given
16 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of KIRA  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You have the beginnings of a great story. The prologue does a good job of grabbing the reader's attention. I tend to stop reading something if it doesn't interest me in the two or three sentences; but you had my attention from the first. Giving the specific make/model of the CB radio in the first paragraph kind of halts the flow of the paragraph, but you do the same from Robert's almost nerdy point of view with the record player later on. Perhaps wording that part of the first paragraph a little bit differently would help establish Robert in the reader's mind right off.

One thing I noticed through out was bad comma usage. Granted I can be a bit of a grammer snob; others may not notice or think the same. Three places really jumped out. The first was in the line "The civil war between Muslims and Christians was over bar the shouting" should have a comma between 'over' and 'bar'. Second, the list "tea pot sugar and milk" needs commas between the items. Finally, the line "Thinking back on his childhood, brought the young girl they had found today, back to mind" is ackward. The commas aren't needed and the phrasing doesn't flow well. I would try "Thinking about his childhood brought to mind the little girl they had found."

Also, as hard as it is on here, watch out for your paragraphs. Most of them blend together. This makes for some difficulty reading.

All of your characters are pretty well established, but not so well that the readers are inundated by stuff and baggage. So far you've done the best with Bridget. Though I got confused with the change in how Robert perceived the relationship as he was driving home to when he got home. If they were happy and Bridget had established that she wasn't domestic, why would an untidy bed and clothes on the floor bother him? I love the play between Kira and Bridget, and then Robert and Kira. That was very well written.

And now, since I'll be over 2000 characters and I want to read Chapter 2, I'll leave you in peace! Good job and good luck!!!
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aklafaery