Great images! You've used them very well to illustrate your ideas of love and how we are bound to each other through it. There's a subtext of doubt in this relationship. They are happy but the speaker questions whether they truly are. I like that you let the reader make the decision for you.
Flawless rhythm that flows easily. Very well done!
I love the imagery in this poem! I could see the ship and the waves crashing as I read it. I love the way work to the rhyme. It bounces back and forth between rhyme and alliteration, creating the slightly unbroken rhythm that you would see with ocean waves.
Very well done!
Very emotional! It's not often a poem acts as a history lesson. The removal of the five tribes was a tragedy that ranks with the Holocaust and the internment of Japanese Americans, all tragic and unnecessary. The broken rhythms in the poem illustrate the subject so well. Thank you for this moving tribute. Well done!
A very realistic portrait of an unrealistic concept. I'm not a believer in fairy tales as they are defined either. We find the best we can and go with it. Thanks for the reminder!
This is a great way to get people into the habit of setting goals and then working to complete them. All you have to do is write clear goals, work them and you can get 1000 points towards renewing your membership with WDC. That's 52,000 points you can earn in a year that you can use to take advantage of the great resources here! Thanks for the opportunity!
I stumbled across your story when I pushed the random review link on the front page and I'm so glad I did. I enjoyed the it very much and it makes me want to know more.
I was a little confused by the abrupt change in point of view in the section. The confusion resulted from the fact that you used three different points of view in the chapter. You made a clear distinction between them but readers can get confused nevertheless. That's why you usually only see two at the most.
Otherwise, I look forward to checking out the rest of the story!
Interesting images that you paint here. I'm not 100% sure what it is that you are trying to tell us, but perhaps that is the point. My first impressions are those of emotion. I see despair, anger, self-consciousness, even anxiety. Clearly your speaker is a deeply feeling person and has been hurt just as deeply by someone or perhaps more than one someone.
A very thought provoking read for me. Thanks!
I like the way you leave it up to your reader to decipher the true reason why Tyler stays with his father even he knows the man isn't the man who fathered him. We are led to think that it could be out of love or out of a sense that Tyler owes the man something for raising him even though Tyler wasn't really his son. In the end, I think that Tyler knows that there is no one else who can care for his father but himself, so he puts aside his dreams to do so, the "bird carrying the cross" as you so ingeniously mention.
I really like this insight into a non-traditional family that tries to live traditional despite their many burdens. Well done!
Great imagery here using most of the five senses. You depict the agony of an alcoholic and his rise from the gutter as he realizes he is needed very well.
Just a few thoughts to help you along:
-The word "suttle" in line 8 should be spelled "subtle."
-In line 10, the word "quiver" is used twice. It might be good to find another word that means the same; perhaps, "shudder," "shiver, " or "shake,"
-A couple of stanzas read like run-on sentences. That is okay in poetry since the rules don't usually apply. However, most readers expect that pause between thoughts to at least take a breath, comprehend what we've just read and then go on. With no stop, that makes it hard to glean the images and message you are giving us. Add some commas or semicolons between the main thoughts to allow for a pause.
Let me know when you edit it. I'd love to read it again. I do like it very much. I'm giving you 2.5 stars because I know you can make it so much better! Keep it up!
A very sweet and heartfelt ditty using the age-old form. I always did like the "roses are red" poems. They are always touching and simple in their form. This one would look great in calligraphy on a heart shaped card.
Powerful message you have given us here. The repetition of the word "click" gives me a sound to focus on and each time I see it, I wonder if it's the end. Each time I read it, it builds the suspense and I can't stop.
The nonexistence of emotion is interesting to read. The definition of a suicide tells us that the person makes a decision, is happy with it, then carries it out. It is intriguing that you portray him with what seems to be a bit of doubt in his decision but still determined to carry it out.
The only thing I can find right now is a wrong word. "She could seem me the second she locked it." I think that "seem" should be "see."
Interesting way to portray regret at the things one might miss going through life. the repetition of "And I'm lost" works rhythmically to almost pound the idea into the head of the reader. Powerful thoughts that everyone thinks but few find the avenue to express.
I would suggest a comma after the word "pleased" in line 6; so the sentence reads better and lets the reader absorb one thing before going to another thought.
While I have not read the series, I'm guessing this is from Redwall. My son loved that book and still treasures his copies even though he's grown. A very enjoyable read that makes me want to know more.
My favorite part is the why you write the personification of the creatures of your world. You keep their individual species traits alive while incorporating the human traits you need for your story. A difficult task to keep balanced.
Lovely thoughts on the nature of love. Since I notice that you seem to be male, it's refreshing to read a love poem on how a man feels in love. We don't see that much and I really like it when I can get that point of view.
At first I thought the broken rhythm of the piece was awkward to read. But after reading it twice more, a standard practice of mine when reading poetry, I see that the rhythm acts with the message to show the reader the up and down nature of love. The repetition of the word "if" only makes us wonder more.
You make a convincing argument for the use of Cloud based software in the workplace, both pro and con. I found your explanation to be easy to read and understandable considering the topic is actually a complex one. I believe that you are correct when you say that it is the future of computer programming. It is more cost efficient and easy to use.
The only thing I could suggest is that when you list the cons of Cloud based software, you set that section up just like you did the pros section, with the bold faced type introducing the topic followed by the explanation. The only reason I mention this is since this is an expository essay, keeping your form consistent will make it easier to understand and your readers will find it easier to retain the information.
All in all, I did enjoy the essay and learned something too. Great job!
Beautiful imagery that brings your thoughts to life. There are so many things that come to mind when I read this and I read several times during the day.
A truly touching story that I know just has to be based on truth. The comparison of the coffin makers as ghouls is powerful in that it reinforces the inherent fear of death that we all have. The fact that this death comes in the mines, underground, is even more compelling.
The rhyme hammers home the feelings that are dredged up in the piece and is an excellent ending.
So many of the poor, especially the Irish, died working the jobs that no one else wanted to do. Perhaps it's fitting that there are so many Americans who are descendents of those Irish workers.
Lovely prose story about young love. I enjoyed it very much. The idea of going to a forbidden party to find your soul mate is a different way to approach the idea that there is someone out there for each of us. We've all had that moment where we cut loose and hope it all works for us.
It's a common problem for people to not know what they want to be in life. I blame it on the emergence of mass media in the last couple of decades as well as changing personal values. It used to be that men went into the same business as their fathers but now that is a rarity. Now you can be what you want to be as long as you are willing to work at it. Unfortunately the work ethic has suffered too.
You have brought up some valid points about how society deems people worthy. As a society we consider ourselves above the practice of judging by appearance but it's in our very nature to do so. In the animal kingdom, appearance is often the best judge of whether a mate will be good stock for creating the next generation. As animals ourselves, that instinctual judging is part of us and as such will not go away.
The only problems I noticed are a few spelling problems and there seems to be too much space at the bottom of the essay.
This is an interesting idea. You have explained it how your actual story will start very well. While fantasy is not my chosen genre, I do find this a compelling idea for a fantasy novel. You will need to map and outline your "world" carefully so you and your readers can keep track of it.
The only thing I would change is the slight errors in usage and grammar Be sure you proofread before you finalize it here. A friend told me that changing your font to Verdana is a good way to avoid problems since that font has the fewest issues with the loading process. It does work.
I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ahlewis32
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.19 seconds at 8:24am on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "