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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aharrington
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9 Public Reviews Given
30 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Connor and I  Open in new Window.
Review by Maybe_an_author? Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a really good story. I liked the way you kept the reader in suspense for awhile. How you described the scene, and feelings of the charector. The only thing that I saw a problem with, was that the emotion of the kiss felt a little forced. I didn't really believe that she was having this once in a life time moment. However, you did better than I could do, so rock on!

Thanks for sharing, love it!

-AH
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Review by Maybe_an_author? Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love this story. It is a bit scattered, but that is part of it's charm. You had me laughing almost all the way through, and I must say that I REALLY hope you do more installments. I cant wait to read more!!!

As for the grammar, spelling, and what not, I did not find any noticable mistakes, besides those that were intentional.

Thanks so much for sharing. Hope to read more!

-AH
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Review of My Welcome Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Maybe_an_author? Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading your story. It was entertaining, and had the reader feeling as lost as you were in the moment. The surprise of three new little sisters would be a great shock to any one.

The things listed below are a few things I found and though I would point out to you. These are only my opinion, and you are welcome to take them or leave them as you see fit.

1. "I selfishly dreamed of all the things about home all babies of the family do"
- there should be a semi colon between "home" and "all"

2. I knew at the airport waiting my mom would thrum her fingers
- This line is a bit confusing. Maybe try "Waiting at the airport, I knew my mom would..."

3. I was about to have my need for attention quenched!
- I think it would sound better as "My need for attention was about to be quenched." Also if you are going to use "quenched" maybe "thirst" would sound better than "need". Just a thought.

Again, great story!

-AH
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Review by Maybe_an_author? Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow! Your story, while very good, is also extremely twisted. I think it is the perfect idea for a horror contest, and even with the word limit, you were able to put in enough details so that the reader could easily follow the retched story of cleansing.

I found a few things while reading, and since you asked for opinions, I thought I would share mine. The suggestions that follow are yours to take or leave.

1. Who else cares to make a stand?--to make a change?
- I think you should take out the ?-- after 'stand; and add a ;

2. The Lord guides my feet as I walk the path, it is the path of righteousness, the path of valor
- After 'path' I believe there should be a ; instead of a comma

3. IT's pouring rain.
- This is little, but change the t to lower case =)

4. The traffic is nonexistent, just it, the aura of darkness, the sin to be cleansed.
- Here, I understand what you are saying, but it does not read well, and is a bit confusing. Maybe it could be changed to something like this "The traffic was nonexistant. There was only the aura of darkness..."

5. I lift the body from the tub--it's shaking and weeping stomach churning blood and pus--
- I think there should be a comma after weeping

You have a wonderful story here, which was beautifully written. I wish you luck in your contest!!

Keep Writting!!
5
5
Review by Maybe_an_author? Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing your writting with all of us in the community. I thoroughly enjoyed your story, and I must say, you had me laughing. I think this is a story all women can relate to, because we have either experienced it, or had nightmares about it happening.
While I loved your story, there were a few things I noticed, that I thought I would point out to you. I am no expert, by any meaning of the word, so take my suggestions as you wish!

1. It was the summer after graduation. I was carefree, enjoying the time between high school ending and the start of college.
- You have already said that it was the summer after graduation, so I believe that the second sentance would sound better if you simply said "I was carefree, enjoying the time before I started college."

2. I was working full-time that summer at the doctor's office, which left only weekends for frolicking at the community pool.
- I was working full time that summer, at a doctor's office, which left... I think that 'a' instead of 'the' may sound a little better here since the reader has no idea of who 'the' doctor is.

3. That day, I went to the pool at ....
-Which day, is the wuestion that comes to my mind when I read this line. You have only told us that it was the summer between high school and college. Prior to this you have not refrenced any particular day, so I think it would benifit the story to state a specific day here.

4. I was reading a romance, as usual.
- This may sound better and be easier to read if you say, "As usual, I was reading a romance."

5. Friends began arriving at the pool after lunch and urging me to join them in the water
- I think the 'and' in this sentance could be replaced with a comma.

6. A while later, this guy who had declared an interest in me came over to talk. I wasn't interested in him and wished he would give it up. Being the friendly sort I am, I couldn't simply dismiss him and focus on the book.
- Here I believe the sentance could be enhanced by adding a bit more detail. Did this guy declare an interest in you only that day, or had this been a summer long thing, maybe even before then.

7. One of my friends was kind enough to retrieve it and the others stood around me while I put everything back where it belonged.
-"...Kind enough to retrieve it, and the others..."

8. I stayed in the pool and played with the others, not wanting to get out for fear that my bottoms would come off too.
- "...with the others, not wanting to get out, for fear..."

I also want to say that I believe this story would be better if you lengthened it. You have a great thing here, but I think it could be so much better if more details were given.
Thanks again for sharing, and if you do a re-write of this story, please let me know. I would love to read it again!!!

-AH
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Review of The Photograph  Open in new Window.
Review by Maybe_an_author? Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
First let me start off by thanking you for sharing your thoughts with all of us here in the WDC community.
Below, you will find a few things I found, as well as suggestions. These are soley my opinions, and what you do with them is your choice =).

1. But [this] wasn't about warm sunny days. It wasn't about catching fish either. The five of us were there as a family and [that] was one of the best days of my life.
- in these sentences, you use both past and present tense. Maybe instead of using 'this' in the first sentance you could instead use 'it' like you have in the second.

2. Slightly skeptical, we gave him our post office box address sure we'd never hear from him again
- There should be a comma after address

3. I remember the days spent on that awful but welcoming lake.
- awful, but welcoming, lake.

4. I don't know why neither of us or both of us didn't replace that dilapidated old dock,
- This sentance is a bit hard to read. I understand what you meant here, but it does not come across very well. I think that because you later explained that it would have been a fun project for you and your son to do together, you could take out the 'or both of us', and still get your point across. If you do this, I think it would be easier to read written this way .. "I don't know why neither of us replaced that dilapidated old dock..."

All in all, I liked your work, though I do feel it could use a bit more organization. The story does not start out cohesive, but it does start coming together at the end.
Again, I thank you for sharing your work, and if you make any changes, please let me know. I would be more than happy to re-read it.

Write On!

-AH
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