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Review of coffee  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I've skimmed a few other of your pieces, and I think this is the strongest. I love your details about the coffee, they make the piece more vivid.

The way you describe your granddaughter is lovely, and the bond between her and your daughter comes out well when you talk about their "together time."

The strength of this piece is how well you "show" what you're talking about.

On a technical note: You made this item a folder, but it should be a static item.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting article. You give a lot of information on your writing projects, and the links are handy.

As far as a "why I write" article goes, I suggest adding something that addresses your writing process. Do you have a particular time/place that you write? Do you prefer long hand or typing? I'm also curious about whether you belong to a critique group, rely on writing.com, or how else you get feedback on your drafts.

I'm also curious about your publisher, I haven't heard of them before. Can you add some information about what it was like for you to get published?

Good luck working on the sequel.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Fun poem, though the title/first line is repeated twice, which is distracting.

Big spread
On the Med

The Med? I don't know what you mean.

I really like the lines:

Ferrari car
Holiday afar

The holiday, especially, is something I can relate to.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Fun poem, I like the rhyming. The lines feel a little long, especially for such a panicked topic. What would you think of shortening them a bit, or adding line breaks - then you'd have every other line rhyme instead of every line, but I don't think the poem would lose anything by adjusting.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting form, it took me a minute to see what exactly you were doing with it. Now I see. Neat idea for form, and I like how the structure works once you add that last line which breaks it. Nice.

A very heartfelt poem, I'm sure your husband was/will be very pleased to read it. Happy Anniversary.
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Review of Potential  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Neat poem, it's interesting to learn what a kyrielle is and I'm glad you included an explanation at the bottom.

I think my favorate is the second stanza:
These processed trees become moist soil
whose nutrients will sprout up coil
of letters, fine as silk brocade,
all seeded in the fibres of the page.
I love the image of the tree becoming the journal. Nicely done.
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Review of Freak  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
She stood stiffly...and painfully ambled toward the door. Two adverbs in one sentence is a bit much for me, especially since adverbs tend to be weaker than verbs in general. If you cut "painfully" the sentence would be tighter and the description of skin sticking to the chair says "ouch" much stronger anyway.

That's my only nit-pick though. Everything else was done beautifully. Great descriptions, this piece is going to stick with me.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Neat piece. I'm used to using Google for finding websites or pictures, but I've never tried it for newsgroups. I never even thought of how useful that could be if you want on going information on certain topics. Your explanations are easy to follow and you provide good info on the different ways of using the search engine.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
While you have some great descriptions-one of my favorites being, "An oil lamp sits on the table and a Sacred Heart picture with the glass broken hangs lopsided near the door." For me, they ultimately weakened the story because there is so much description before the "action" begins.

Active description is always stronger than passive. By this, I mean that the first few paragraphs where we see the landscape but it's not tied into the plot, are passive. Whereas a description like, "It was nearing dusk on Thursday when four young men dressed in the only clothes they possess emerged from the half door, hoisted a plain wooden box in the shape of a coffin onto their shoulders and started slowly down the lane," are active.

In the end, while the passive descriptions are good, the real story doesn't start with looking at the bog. It starts with Patrick Joseph's coffin being carried out.

I like how you tie the end in with American folklore. It works well with this piece in showing how Davy started, and then how he ended.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. For all that you speak out against poetry, this is surely a good example of the craft.

Your lines have a nice rythm and the rhyme scheme is nicely done. As for your commentary on the form itself, and especially different poets, I had to grin.

Some of my favorite lines:

Take Shakespeare. His sonnets are really a chore.
Blah blah blah love joy fear not too much more.

But Frost who persuades us to find roads less traveled,
Is short, but the bunny trail’s hard to unravel.

The last line was a bit trite to me, the use of the cliche didn't pack the same punch as the rest of your lines and as an end note, I think it was a bit weaker than it could be. Play around with it, perhaps, maybe something stronger would fit.

On the whole, I really had fun reading this. I can relate to your comments and I found your points entertaining. Nice writing.
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Review of Airline Meal  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Lol. I think the rhyme scheme worked really well in this poem. There was a line or two where it felt a bit forced:
The barbeque sauce was peppercorn-hot,
It had a spicy tang and it was not
What I expected. The mash, beans and corn,
but I think it added to the humor rather than detracted.

I really like the last stanza, and the last three lines are great, especially:
For the next meal, can I be asleep please?

Fun poem, you made me grin.
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Review of Cursing Charlie  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ouch, the purple font is very difficult to read.

On a format note: The indents are helpful for signifying new paragraphs. However, since everything at Writing.com is automatically single spaced (vs. double spaced) it tends to make text more difficult to read if you don't double space between paragraphs.

Eyes that I once knew stared through the canyon. Through it, reading it without invitation. This is a good description. However, I want to know "whose eyes?" Also, the two sentences should probably be one-the second is a fragment and combining them would resolve that problem.

Typo: The pair of us was content to be still the long day full. Subject/verb agreement needs to be fixed, The pair of us were content to be still the long day full.

I speak in rings and he speaks in cubes. Nice description.

Charlie spoke. “A cigar-smoking angel once said, ‘You are alone here, so if you jump, you best jump far.’ Nice.

What pulled me in:

Interesting imagery

Good lines

What pulled me away:

Purple font, it made my eyes hurt and had this been a longer item, I would not have been able to finish it.

Lack of dialogue tags. You don't need them all the time, but in a long conversation when you are switching back and forth a lot, they'll help keep readers from getting lost.

Some akward lines and grammar problems (mainly comma use).

Final comments:

You've got an interesting scene here and a talent for creating images. The "raw" stuff is definitely present, the part that needs some work is the presentation, i.e. technical details.

For questions or clarification, please feel free to refer to: "My Reviewing and Rating Practices" Open in new Window. [ASR]
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Review of Bad reads?  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Typo: Give an average review with a polite "nice story". Punctuation goes inside quotation marks, so this should be: Give an average review with a polite "nice story."

I like your question. I think your answer options are a bit limited though. What about people who would opt to "rate only?" Or people who might choose to send the author an e-mail rather than a review? Or, perhaps something else entirely? You can have five options, I suggest taking advantage of that, and I suggest adding one option as the ever-popular "other." It's helpful for people who may do something not listed, or who may do a combination of the options, depending on each piece individually.

I like your question, I hope a lot of people respond.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! What a great and meaningful collection of quotations. I'm impressed at the amount of research that went into this item.

I found your comment, When teaching art, we don’t spend years and years studying works of art. Early on, we allow students to try painting, drawing, sculpting. We encourage their creativity. We don’t insist that their works mimic other artists, to be food for thought. I've never thought about it that way, and I'm not sure yet whether I agree or disagree with your suggestion for "teaching" poetry. Hrm... Like I said, I'll have to chew on that one a while.

On a side note: I came across this item looking for useful pieces to link to my own article on poetry, "My Approach to Poetry" Open in new Window. and I would like to use a link to this item. Would you mind?
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
If you don't make mistakes, you're not working on hard enough problems. And that's a big mistake. (F. Wikzek) Great quote!

I enjoyed reading this article, and I think you make a lot of good points. I disagree about anon., but otherwise, I'm pretty well in agreement with your ideas. I especially like that you mention clearing your initial rating of a piece when the writer makes improvements. It's so easy to do, yet yours is the first place I can remember ever seeing it addressed. Kudos to you for that. Ditto that for sending an e-mail vs. a review for comments which aren't critiquing the item itself, like your example of "I can't read French."

I also like your links to others' articles. It's something I practice as well, because I think it can really help build your credibility-obviously, you're not the only one who thinks this. It helps that you've chosen some good articles to link to.

Overall, nice read.

Reasons for the rating

What pulled me in:

Good research

Well-composed arguements

What pulled me away:

Colored font

Paragraph formatting-sometimes double spaced, sometimes not.

Headings and the following text have no space between them, making it a bit tight.

Final comments:

On the whole, I like what you've done here. Some of the formal issues (formatting) are distracting and put the emphasis on the format rather than your words.

For questions or clarification, please feel free to refer to: "My Reviewing and Rating Practices" Open in new Window. [ASR]
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Review of First Winter  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
on makeshift quilted beds
a toasty, prudent distance
I had to read this a few times before I understood it. I recommend a comma after "beds" for clarity.

from the woodstove,
where, warmed by crackling maple,
Conversely, I don't think you need the comma after "woodstove." Between the line break and using "where," the idea is clear, so the comma becomes a distraction.

a blizzard-bitter hand
that once before held mine
another long and lonely,
shuddery winter night.
I'm not clear who this hand belongs to. The last noun referred to is "frost," but that doesn't seem to fit in the context of "that once before held mine." The other guess is "she," but that doesn't seem to fit with "a blizzard-bitter hand." I'm a bit lost here, can you clarify?

After reading your treatise on poetry, I think you do a good job of living up to your standards. I like that this poem is pared down to the essential images and ideas, it doesn't have all the junk you often see (which gets in the way rather than work to elaborate).

That last bit lost me, but otherwise, I really enjoyed this poem. Most poems I've found on this site don't hold me as far as the third line, but the directness of yours did that easily. Nicely written.

Rating: 4.5 for description/image/idea - .5 for confusion in last few lines = 4.0
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Review of Myths of Poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I came across your article doing some reading with the intention of finding things to add to my own article about what poetry should be.

I really like the myths you address and the points you make as to why they are myths. In turn, I was a bit put off by the fact that all of the examples of what poetry "should be" are your own poems. As an educator, you would be more credible showcasing another's work.

However, like I said, I'm impressed with the way you've brought up and handled these topics. I absolutely agree with you about these myths, and I would like to ask your permission to put a link to your article in my own, "My Approach to Poetry" Open in new Window.. Would you mind?
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting topic, I'm curious who you've found for your list.

Typo: ~Virginia Wolff~ writer should be -> Virginia Woolf

The vast majority of literature printed on bipolar disorder reflects the socio-psycho-logical-medical-esque-ness of this biochemical mental aberration.

However, many diagnosed bipolars have manipulated this "dysfunction" so that they have made positive contributions to their society. Since these two ideas are so closely tied, especially with the "However" to connect them, they would work best as the same paragraph rather than two separate paragraphs. Another reason for this is that without combining, you have two paragraphs that are only one sentence long, a grammatical difficulty.

A rather scholarly presentation, Touched with Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison, is a good detailed read about literary, and artistic types, of the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries, who suffered from now identifiable mental disorders. Information on bipolars and schizophrenics is included. You call it "rather scholarly" and I have to question what that means. Can you give us any more information to clarify the "rather" there? Otherwise, it makes the source seem like it's not credible. It's like saying "somewhat" or "kind of."

This is a very impressive collection of names, some more surprising than others. You've started to give some information as to where you got the names, though not all have a reference yet. Filling in more of this information will do a lot for your credibility. If we know why each person is on this list, then it leaves less margin for doubt about their condition.

Very interesting, I'm curious as to what your revisions and updates will hold.
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Review of Feminine Musings  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Your title and description caught my eye, and I'm glad I took the time to read these pieces. Current pop culture, especially Rap music, seems so tied up in the idea of feminine subjection, or females objectification, that it's refreshing to read your very eloquent thoughts. The bottom line is that treating a woman like a goddess is something that makes a man very attractive. Too many guys miss that point.

In the end, I really enjoyed reading these pieces, and I'm disappointed that there are only two. I hope you add more to this collection, and I'm sure there are more aspects of male-female relations you can explore. Great writing.
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Review of Golfetery  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Have we not occasionally mistaken a cemetery for a golf course or vice-versa? You know, I can honestly say I've never made this mistake. Lol. The headstones are a bit of a tip off.

Calling it a Cemecourse could be misinterpreted as a newfangled form of human interaction. Lol.

Loved ones will come to understand that, unless services are held in the dark of night or on rain days, they must be vigilant when they hear “fore”. It’s not a call from on high – it is an errant golfer yelling in your direction. Get out the way. You would be best advised to combine a round of golf with your visit. A couple of things for this paragraph. One, remember that punctuation goes inside quotation mars, thus: ...when they hear "fore." Also, since everyone knows what "fore" means, all that explanation kills the humor. I think you can cut a few sentences without losing anyone: Loved ones will come to understand that, unless services are held in the dark of night or on rain days, they must be vigilant when they hear “fore.” You would be best advised to combine a round of golf with your visit.

Golfetery, eh? While I like the idea of maximizing our urban space, I do have a concern or two. Wouldn't this arrangement tend to be very inconvenient for golfers? Say, what do they do when there's a funeral party in the way of the hole?

Funny piece, I enjoyed reading it.
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a continuation of
"Where Will The Next Step Take Me?" This would be smoother as one line:
This is a continuation of "Where Will The Next Step Take Me?"

Instinctively I knew that I had to take a chance of being ridiculed in order to progress. I've never heard it put quite that way, I like it.

I decided to attend a creative writing course that lasted a week but which took me through a lifetime of emotions.
The poem "Stepping Stones From Here To There" tells of the journey I embarked on and the enormous distance I travelled. Backspace before "The poem" to get rid of the awkward line break.

I have since learned that it is not about winning or failing but it is about growing and developing through the opinions and suggestions of others. Nicely said, I think this is something more writers should take to heart.

Readers are caught up in the rhythm and the rhymes or the lack of them and I as the writer am spared. My emotions are revealed for the reader to feel but are muted for me as I hide behind the structure of the poem. The length of the poem, the number of the verses or the metre. I like that you talk about this. Many of the poets I see on this site tend to do precisely that. You have the advantage over them in being aware of it, and knowing that you can write better when not hiding.

This is not an easy concept to explain. No, I don't think it is, especially to someone who has never done both.

It is as if I am there reliving in full technicolour whatever I am writing about. I like your use of "full technicolour," it really grabbed my attention and made me realize what you are saying here.

What pulled me in:

I found your writing very eloquent in this piece, more so that its predecessor.

Again, the honesty and sincerity are compelling.

What pulled me away:

Nothing.

Final comments:

Lovely piece, I really enjoyed reading it.

For questions or clarification, please feel free to refer to: "My Reviewing and Rating Practices" Open in new Window. [ASR]
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Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
There's a strange line break in the second paragraph,
I was a little numbed by events, otherwise I do not think that I would have posted that first poem
"Holding Hands" I wonder if that came up because of the item tag? It shouldn't have, but who knows, sometimes there are glitches.

I do not think that I thought much at that time who 'them' were. Here, "they" would be better than "them." It looks like you were wanting to tie into the last pronoun you used, for the sake of continuity. However, it's clear enough that you don't have to worry, and "they" is less awkward.

What pulled me in:

Your honest and sincere tone.

I'm always interested in learning how/why others write.

What pulled me away:

A couple of rough spots, I noticed a couple of typos/errors I decided not to point out. Proof-reading will catch them.

Final comments:

Your honesty and sincerity in this piece are its greatest strengths. I was very interested in reading your progression and I'm now moving on to the next article (which I originally opened, but decided to follow the link backwards to start at the beginning-lol, did that make sense?).

Since you have a couple of sequential/related items, have you thought about putting a direct link in this one? You did it in the next, and it made for convenient navigating.



For questions or clarification, please feel free to refer to: "My Reviewing and Rating Practices" Open in new Window. [ASR]
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Review of The Salesman  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
As someone who worked for a time in sales, I find this poem interesting. Mostly because you say it was inspired when you turned a salesman away, yet it's written from his perspective. I like that you were able to empathize enough to write this convincingly.

All right for them he thinks, they don’t face rejection, Nice line and so true.

They don’t wake in the morning desperately poor Statistically, salespeople are among the most well-paid, right after sports stars and film actors. This statement comes across as rather hyperbolic and not so accurate.

On a formal note: You've created a very strict rhmyme scheme for yourself to hold to, so the lines
With the woman or the man that comes to the door,
They don’t try to persuade till their soul's torn and raw.
are jarring. Is there another way to word either line to hold to your established rhyme? Otherwise, it's distracting.

What pulled me in:

The story behind the poem.

Empathy for the salesman.

What pulled me away:

Broken rhyme scheme.

Hyperbole about the salesman's likely economic state.

Final comments:

You have an interesting poem here, and I like the fact that you chose a point of view most people have very negative ideas about. On the other hand, I think it went a bit too far in some respects. Sales is a tough profession due to the rejection you so aptly describe. However, it's also a lucrative one. You don't see many desperately poor salesmen/saleswomen. If they're not making money, they find another job. The rejection + stress + lack of money accounts for a high attrition rate of those who are unsuccessful.

For questions or clarification, please feel free to refer to: "My Reviewing and Rating Practices" Open in new Window. [ASR]
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Review of Kettle Hole Deer  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The first thing I noticed about this piece was the formatting. Having all of the paragraphs together without spacing in between makes the piece more difficult to read. I suggest indenting at the beginning of each paragraph, and/or (and this I more strongly recommend) double spacing between them. It'll make it easier for readers to go through the text.

A few years ago when my Father and I were both younger and much more ambitious... Nice line, it made me grin.

Our mode of transportation was my old 1972 Dodge pickup, a three quarter ton, brute that would twist and creak as we climbed the mountainous terrain of our hundred acre woods. A bit of grammatical difficulty here: the second comma shouldn't be there. In this sentence, it looks like you were wanting to make a parenthetical reference.

However, the test for these is whether the rest of the sentence makes sense without it. In this case, it doesn't work very well to remove the part between commas, so something else is called for here. Ultimately, you could either revise the sentence to pass this test, or omit the second comma. I suggest the second option.

Typo: On one of these accasions we started about seven thirty in the morning for a day of tree cutting and sectioning. "Accasion" should be "occasion."

We came to the spot up on top, we called the "Kettle Holes" because of the shallow holes that seem to be a prominant feature in the lay of this particular stretch of woods. The comma here is awkward. If you read the sentence out loud and pause where the comma is, the rest sounds strange. Two quick fixes would be either to remove the comma, or to add to the second part of the sentence to give it a subject and make it into an independent clause. Then, you'd have: We came to the spot up on top, we it called the "Kettle Holes" because of the shallow holes that seem to be a prominant feature in the lay of this particular stretch of woods. A simple fix which makes all the difference.

Word Territory:The old truck grumbled along as we sought out a place to thin out. Two "outs" in such close proximity are a bit awkward. I suggest deleting the first.

We had walked just a few feet when we came upon one of those "kettle Holes" should that be "kettle holes?"

One of the largest deer I'd seen in a long time. Like the line earlier, this needs a subject. "One" isn't quite enough to make this a complete sentence. One solution would be to add "He was" to the beginning. Then, the pronoun "he" would become the subject of the sentence.

His antlers numbered twelve points and the sun was casting a golden sheen to his coat. I like your description here, especially the "golden sheen." It does a nice job of emphasizing your awe at the deer.

What pulled me in:

My favorite part of this piece is its tone. Your word choices and sentences create a feeling of intimacy with the reader. It felt like you were telling me the story, like I was a friend. It's not something every writer can pull off, but I think you do it nicely.

What pulled me away:

Grammar difficulties. Distracting, but luckily easy to fix.

Item description-I miss the connection between it and the story.

Final comments:

I enjoyed reading this brief story. I also think you could make it longer. A little more description, maybe a little backstory on your father, the wood cutting tradition, the wood, or the deer himself would help to flesh out this piece. More description would also give the reader a more visceral experience and tie them into the story more tightly.

Overall, I think your narrative voice is very strong. What'll make this stronger, and really pull readers in, is a bit more polish on the formal (formatting/grammar) level.

For questions or clarification, please feel free to refer to: "My Reviewing and Rating Practices" Open in new Window. [ASR]
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Review of Step Inside  Open in new Window.
Review by Verm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Too bad your upgrade ran out and froze your other items. Luckily, I haven't read this one yet. Let's see what you've got.

When I sat to write woeful words, straying
like alley cats, they brought the likes of
fish heads and drug in dead rats. I like your imagery here, it works well. On a technical note, get rid of the comma after "straying" the line break is enough to create the pause you're looking for and the comma is awkward on a grammatical level.

Grammatically/formally, I think these lines can be cleaned up a bit:
These days I still believe in wrinkled muslin,
Unbleached and earthy, coarse and real, just
a few sour lemons, when the sugar box is bare.
Or storms have gathered and stuck on my ceiling. I wonder why "Unbleached" is capitalized? Since you're not following the format that says to capitalize the first word of each line, it should be lower case. Is that last line supposed to be "storms I have gathered?" The first line of this section is great, I like the rhythm and the image is wonderful.

But my favorite, are words of silver dust Why the comma here? It doesn't belong. *see note below*

Stork's white wings widespread, poems in bill,
magically delivering, dispersing them to
kindred souls of those, who might peruse
and long to step into that enchanted coach. Another good passage, I particularly like the image of teh stork carrying poetry.

* Note: In looking at your comma placement, and the fact that some of those commas really shouldn't be there, yet seeing that you put them there for the sake of a pause, I wonder about your line breaks.

In workshop, I saw a good variety of styles, and people who worked best with longer lines. I also saw, and happen to be, people who work best with shorter lines. Because of this, looking at your poem creates the impulse to chunk up your lines. Just to play with the format a bit, try a little bit of editing where, whenever you have a comma within the line, add a line break.

Then you'd replace this:
But my favorite, are words of silver dust
perhaps a fairy's wand, a scoop to dip
in stars, to wave a sprinkled sparkling,
turning slippers into glistening glass.
with this:
But my favorite
are words of silver dust,
perhaps a fairy's wand
a scoop to dip in stars
to wave a sprinkled sparkling,
turning slippers into glistening glass.

This might help in seeing where you really need a comma. For example, "But my favorite" lost the comma and used a line break afterwards instead. Some lines, like:
When I sat to write woeful words, straying,
like alley cats, they brought the likes of already have excellent line breaks, and to put "straying" in the next line because there's a comma before it, would ruin what you've done. So, by no means is my suggestion a hard-and-fast thing.

However, with the flow of this piece, and the listing you use, I think you could do more line breaks. With the commas in this piece, some feel like they're there because you wanted a pause but where hesitant to break the line for some reason. Mostly, I just encourage you to play around a bit with your commas and line breaks, see where they really want to be.

Okay, so the main run-down on this poem. I think you've done good things here. And, by the red award icon attatched, I see I'm not the only one. *Smile* I think there are a couple of formal things you can do to add some oomph, but your wording and imagery are spot on. Nice writing. Let me know if/when you revise.
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