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1
1
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Madison Author IconMail Icon,

I've noticed you need reviews for this story so here I am! I must say I found it quite impressive. I especially like your style. You write with passion and I can see that you really get into the mind of your character. Although this is the first story by you I've read, I can see you were writing this as Cinderella, not as Madison; some would say the ability to do it so well is unusual for someone your age but I'll tell you something: I know better *Bigsmile*

As I began reading your story, I was surprised why it hadn't been rating higher; as I read on, the reason became clear to me. Although your style is great, there are a few logical slips. I've noticed a few punctuation issues as well, but those are not a problem; the thing you really should concentrate on is the logic and structure, on the level of sentences as well as paragraphs.

Below are my suggestions concerning particular paragraphs and sentences. I have not managed to go through the whole story, but will do so when I return home later on tonight. If you have any questions, I will also answer them then.

Here's what I have found so far:

*Bullet* She was everything my father was not: strict, cold, empty, and unloving. So it surprised me to see that the woman he helped out of the carriage was not the wild, exuberant, loose-haired woman I had imagined him bringing home. The woman I imagined my mother having been. There is something about the first two sentences here that doesn't quite go with the previous paragraph. What the second sentence says here has already been said in the first sentence of your story.

I would suggest revising this paragraph. I tried to come up with some suggestions but I am not sure what you wanted to say in this paragraph. You saeem to have put too many different things in it. The first sentence is about the new stepmother's character. in this context, the second sentence:

So it surprised me to see that the woman he helped out of the carriage was not the wild, exuberant, loose-haired woman I had imagined him bringing home.

doesn't really make much sense, especially the "so". That "so" suggests that you - as the story is written in the first person, I will from now on refer to the main character as "you" to make it easier - knew these sides of her character even before she arrived. But that is not the case, according to the story's opening sentence.

The paragraph's last sentence tells the reader about how you imagined your mother. This is just too much for this short paragraph. You crammed too much into it and it's a bit unclear what you're trying to say. Your new stepmother was a complete opposite of your (obviously good and kind) father, as she was cold and unloving (which you somehow new before you got to know her), so you were surprised that she wasn't wild, exuberant and loose-haired, as your mother had been (according to your imaginings). That is the meaning of your paragraph. The conclusion you make is puzzling and I don't think this is what you meant.

*Bullet* That’s for my love, even when I am not around, he would say whenever he had came over. You should put what your father is saying in the inverted commas.

*Thumbsup* *Thumbsup* When she was here, we had to cover the oak table, with its heart, with a white satin and lace table cloth, one that itched at your arms as you would with poison ivy. We had to use three different forks [...] - I loved this paragraph! "When she was there" creates a nice parallel, as in the previous paragraph you begin the escription of a meal with your father with "When only he was there" - it reads very well and, in my opinion, really suits the genre. The whole paragraph is very well written.

*Bullet* Everything had to be perfect, especially for her twin daughters, Laurece and Victoria.

And I was Meladria, sometimes Mel, sometimes Mela, and sometimes just Ela. And I was yet to know the horrors that would come into my life as I knew it.


What does your name have to do with the horrors that were yet to come?... I would consider changing this a little if I were you. Something like this would be easier to understand:

And I was Meladria, sometimes Mel, sometimes Mela, and sometimes just Ela. Every time she said my name, her lips twisted into a grimace, as if it meant something dirty or rude. And I was yet to know the horrors that would come into my life as I knew it.

although I feel this also lacks something. I think you'll see what I mean.

*Bullet* I shivered inside my light jacket, one I had slid into this morning, not planning on it raining hardly. At least to me, this looks as if you were able to control the weather: "[I wasn't] planning on it raining hardly." Also, "hardly" doesn't sound quite right to me when I think about it; "hard"??! Perhaps I'm just thinking too much! *Laugh*

*Bullet* I had run to drop off the flowers at my mother’s grave, sneaking out to do so every Sunday.

I had sneaked out of the house and run to drop off the flowers at my mother’s grave every Sunday. - I think this is what you meant?

*Bullet* My father and I used to go together every Sunday, but ever since he married, he hasn’t come. She, his wife, doesn’t approve of mourning the dead when she is now the replacement for the deceased, my mother. At least that’s part of the reason my father married her. "She, his wife" sounds very clumsy to me. "His new wife" would be better, or just "she" - since you refer to the new stepmother as "she" pretty consequently, I think it would be clear enough.

*Bullet* Truth is, I don’t remember her. She died when I was born, and it has been my father and I for the eight years since. And yes, I think of her often [...] - either this comes a bit too late in the story or you chose not quite right words, or both. Already at the beginning of the story you mention the way you imagined your mother; perhaps you could develop the thought there, in a bit fewer words, and not explain it the second time here? Or at least explain a different aspect of it? I already guessed you didn't remember your mother reading one of the first paragraphs. If you decide not to tell your reader something in a straightforward manner, but let him guess, don't ruin it by explaining it later on. If you write between the lines, trust your reader to read between the lines.

*Bullet* My father would close up, staring into space, and a look of such unadorned sadness would strike his face, that, at the time, I was content in not knowing her. Here it's just a small punctuation issue; you don't need a comma before "that".

*Bullet* “No ” I screamed. Instead of a space, you need an exclamation mark or a comma.

*Bullet* “Servant ” I called to a woman, dressed in black, wandering down the corridor [...] You need a comma after "Servant".

*Bullet* I had a plan for this servant. One for that stupid little girl [...] - I find this whole paragraph very unclear. Perhaps you could restructure it?


I will stop now and continue later in a private e-mail.

*Flower2* To those looking through this review on the Public Page: do not be mislead by the number of my suggestions. Although this story can be still improved, already now it is one of the best written Cinderella stories I've ever read! *flower*

Agnie
2
2
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Ravenwand, Rising Star! Author IconMail Icon,

*Thumbsup* I liked this story! *Confused* but I had problems rating it. I rated it 4 because it is a true story; if this was fiction, my rating would be a little lower.

When telling true stories, we should be first of all, in my opinion, honest. If we change a detail to make it more interesting, it won't be a true story any more, but fiction based on true events.

In stories created by our imagination, there are so many ways we can make them more powerful. It doesn't have to be by changing the described events, but putting more emphasis on one aspect of the story or adding more information about something can make the story much more convincing.

Here, whether the story is convincing or not depends on whether the reader believes that you had enough reason to believe that there was indeed a ghost in the house. I don't think I am convinced. If I were you, I would probably think that Mom was trying to scare you or just didn't remember her visit upstairs - especially that she had had a glass of wine.

I had actually a very similar adventure once in my old flat. I heard someone walking around the flat, up and down the corridor, to the bathroom and back, many, many times. I thought it was my flatmates, but then they started coming back home from parties, one by one... I soon realised only one was at home that night and asked her on the next day if I had woken her up coming home late. She said she had gone to bed at 11 and hadn't left her room the whole night.

What made me think we might have a ghost in the flat was a mirror that without any reason, while hanging on the wall, broke in two, cards that answered our questions (it started off as a silly fortune-telling game no one believed in and ended up in something scary when every single answer the cards gave us was right - none of us is ever going to play any game like that again), and the fact that my flatmate never lied and never sleepwalked - I lived in the next room and went to bed at different time each night, usually late - I would have noticed!

*Idea* This is the kind of thing that your story is missing. Mom never lied. The room was locked and Mom couldn't find the key. The stairs had been destroyed in a fire and no one could get upstairs. Mom had both legs in plaster and couldn't walk. If this was fiction, you would need something like this - you'd probably come up with something better than my examples - to make this story believable. But even in a true story, you can explain why you'd rather believe that a ghost had been upstairs than that your mum hadn't told you the truth, or had forgotten she had been upstairs. A statement like "I had never heard Mom tell a lie" would make it better.

*Note1* I can see this is not a very new story and I'm not sure if you still want to change anything in it, but anyway I thought I'd tell you what I think *Wink*

Agnie
3
3
Review of A Valentine Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ravenwand, Rising Star! Author IconMail Icon,

*Delight* - I'm relieved - *Delight* - this is better than your other Valentine's Day poem I've just reviewed! *Laugh*

*Star* I appreciate the visual aspect of this poem - in more than one way. It looks very good, but there's more to it. While reading it for the second time, I realised that I wouldn't have liked this poem half as much had it been written in the "standard" way. One more example of how the visual side of the poem influences the way it is experienced.

*Note1* While I like the variation in the line length, the colours distract me - but since it's the whole point of this poem, to make it look like something, I do not see it as a fault. It just made me read it two more times.

*Thumbsup* *Thumbsup* I really like the way you used rhymes in this poem. Thanks to the line variation and the shape of the poem, they are not too visible and I love it. I generally like it when a poem has some rhymes, but not so many that it distracts me from what it actually says. I think it's actually very difficult to make rhymes "happen" naturally at the end of each line. In your poem, they appear here and there, like thorns on a rose... oops, not the best comparison, maybe... like drops of morning dew? *Bigsmile* They are not distracting, plus they are not boring love-above forever-together rhymes every second Valentine's Day poem bursts with (breath-death is the closest but as the words are not in neighbouring lines, it's not so bad!), and that made me finally decide to rate this poem five stars.

Agnie
4
4
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
Ravenwand, Rising Star! Author IconMail Icon,

Yes, this is really bad! *Laugh* It's so bad it's funny... so perhaps it wouldn't be bad enough for 1 star, but your use of the dollar symbol really did it. You're getting one star from me! As you have wished. *Smile*

I feel like exploring your port after reading this - I hope that your GOOD poems are different *Laugh*

Agnie
5
5
Review of Damaged  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Nikki,

You had a rough childhood. I thought mine was pretty hard at times, I know a lot of people who had it rough, but your story is extreme. Good that it's all over now and I bet all these experiences made you stronger. You could make a film based on your past - and the audience would be shaking their heads and saying: "This is too much... this simply couldn't happen!" I'm glad your troubles are over.

*Note1* I do hate to speak about grammar and stuff like that while reviewing people's personal items but I guess since I've caught a few mistakes, you probably won't mind me showing you where they are *Wink* I don't know if these are all - I had a complete list but I pressed the backspace button by mistake, and... hm... you're probably guessing what happened - so now I have to find them all over again. But here's what I found while reading for the second time:

The weird thing is that she never went after my younger sisters'. *Right* my younger sisters. No apostrophe.

my grandfather sexually abused my sisters' and I. *Right* my sisters [no apostrophe here!] and me (<= if you drop "sisters", you wouldn't say "I", "abused I"; you'd say: "me". The fact that you add one more noun doesn't change that).

was trying to coax me and my sisters' into telling her... *Right* my sisters; no apostrophe! You don't need it in the plural unless it's the genitive:

1) singular, for example: my sister's coat (the coat of my sister)
2) plural, for example: my sisters' coats (the coats of my sisters)


My mom already had my 2 youngest sister's, Sheila and Molly with her. *Right* Again, sisters.

The officer came up to my grandmothers house *Right* my grandmother's house (since here it's the genitive, not the plural}.

The only thing that came out of my mouth was; "I hate you!" You need a colon here, not a semicolon.

Some of those include; You need a colon here, too, not a semicolon.

I was off playing with my friends and my other sisters'. *Right* sisters.

which none of it was true *Right* none of which was true.

I'm not sure whether it's everything, but I think this should help you to find the rest. I will gladly raise the rating then. This is a very personal text and even just for that reason does deserve a higher rating, I just couldn't rate it higher now because of too many mistakes.

All the best,

Agnie
6
6
Review of If Been  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Mitch Author IconMail Icon,

*Thumbsup* After reading this poem a few times, I appreciate the thought, the originality and the imagery of it. The idea is very interesting and the way of thinking it out quite to my taste!

*Thumbsdown* However, the poem was very difficult to get through. I really had problems experiencing and enjoying it, found myself quite annoyed for some reason while reading it and it was quite difficult for me to get to the point when I could enjoy it, although all the time I felt it was a good poem - and that was why I kept re-reading it.

*Idea* I think it might be the formatting that is not doing your poem a favour. I don't think the centering suits it; I would reserve it for very balanced, rather static poems, and this one is quite restless, experimental. Perhaps it would also be a good idea to break it up into stanzas - that would help the reader follow your thought. And lastly, the colour. I often like colour font in poetry, but here it distracts me. The poem is not the easiest (or could that be the time of night? *Bigsmile* ), so perhaps a less bright colour would be better? If you don't want to change the colour, I think that breaking it up into stanzas would already help.

I know that these seem little details but everything contributes to the way I experience a poem, and here the content and style of your poem and the way it is presented are just too different.

*Star* Here's the part I like the most:

Eventually I tread the flowing floods
And I bathe completely in where I was.


- especially the second line. I love the way it sounds.

*Exclaim* Do let me know if you decide to change anything so that I can come back and change the rating.

All the best,

Agnie
7
7
Review of The Sodden Sponge  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ann Ticipation Author IconMail Icon,

I think this is wonderfully written. When I read poems like this one, I realise once again that there are feelings that can be expressed only through poetry. The complexity of this feeling would take pages and pages of prose to describe; you do it in several short stanzas.

What I like the most about this poem is the honesty of emotion, the thing which makes poetry powerful. Also technically, this poem is faultless, in my opinion.

*Note1* I have a few punctuation suggestions:

Stanza 4: you don't need a comma at the end of the first line.

Stanza 9: I would suggest removing the commas at the end of the first and second line.

Agnie
8
8
Review of The Last Guardian  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Jack Goldman Author IconMail Icon,

This is an excellent story. I have seen it before and started to read it but for some reason wasn't in the right mood. Today I came back to it and I'm glad I did.

You have used a "trick" that is quite often used eg. by sci-fi writers - that of not specifying who the characters are until the end of the story, which gives it a twist that suddenly explains everything. When in the right mood, the reader will see already at the beginning of your story that some surprise is coming and it increases the suspense. I think you handled it beautifully. This story and "Proof of Life After DeathOpen in new Window. are, in my opinion, somehow the most "finished", the most complete pieces of yours I have read. I think it is because it is easier to both create and, for the reader, experience this completeness in a short story like this one than in a much longer work.

I didn't notice any typos, spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. I only think you might need an apostrophe in:

“Tis true, Guardian. [...]"

*Down*

“'Tis true, Guardian. [...]"

*Thumbsup* I recommend this clever and extremely well written story to everyone on the site.

( *Exclaim* I have written a short story which is in a way similar to yours, as the main character is... hm... similar to yours *Bigsmile* (I don't want to give too much away on the Public Page! *Wink* ). In case I post it on the site, I just wanted to let you know I did not rip off your idea - I haven't reasd your story until now!)

Agnie
9
9
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think it's great - really smart and at the same time very funny and - not funny at all... Satirical - and true.

*Thumbsup* I really loved the idea of using the compound words with hyphens in the last lines of some of the stanzas. They made the poem very varied and lively and suit the humour of the piece.

*Thumbsdown**Thumbsup* The rhyme sue-you in stanza 2/3 from the end sounds rather heavy to me, but at the same time it suits the piece. I really didn't like it the first time I read the poem, but at the second reading I noticed it really went with the rest of the poem, so - no, I don't think (any more) you should change it *Wink*

*Note1*

Though others have earned it
your turn has begun!


You need a comma at the end of the first line quoted.

I hope this review will be of some use to you. Thank you for sharing this poem - I really enjoyed it!

Agnie
10
10
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi, Leighoire Author IconMail Icon!

I have read your story and I think it has a lot of potential. You are great at telling stories and I feel you have ideas for many more than are now in your port!

This one could be made a lot better by making some seemingly minor changes. I'm going to concentrate on these "minor" things in this review as they were bothering me the most while I was reading the story. If you decide to make some changes, I will return to re-read the story, re-rate and perhaps offer more suggestions and comments based on more "serious" aspects of this story - OK? *Wink*

*Note1* This story is very long and the way you have formatted it, it is very difficult to read on the monitor. I remember how I felt when I posted my first long item - even longer than this one - on this site and one member suggested I used line breaks between paragraphs, not only the indentations at the beginning of each paragraph. I remember thinking: what?! but it is so much work!! *Laugh* I assure you it's worth it. It'll be less work for the reader to go through your story, s/he will enjoy it more and the feedback you get will be probably more valuable. At the moment, you don't even have the indentations; this is very difficult to read.

*Note1* Commas. MOST authors on this site forget about commas you need when a person is being addressed; examples:

“Lindy pull yourself together..." You need a comma after "Lindy".

"I don't want you to be here Gareth." You need a comma before Gareth.

You also need a comma when something is added at the end of a sentence:

"Oh, don’t look at it like that please!"{/i} Here, a comma is missing before "please"...

"I've got to haven't I?" ...and here, before "haven't I".

Oh, don’t look at it like that please! Again, a comma missing before "please".

Sometimes you have commas where you don't need them:

“Because, having fun costs money and we don’t have any. You don't need a comma after "because" (although the intonation might suggest that).

These are just examples, there are more punctuation errors of the same kind in the story. Please pay attention to the punctuation as you are re-reading your story (and adding the line breaks... *Wink* ) - you probably notice most of them now that you know in what situations you need them! *Wink*

*Note1* I will comment more about the plot etc. when the little things mentioned above have been fixed; now they distracted me a bit. But from what I see, I think the characters could be a little bit better developed. Perhaps through some eg. humorous comment here and there you could tell your reader a little more about your characters? It would be easier to care about them then and be interested in what happens to them.

It would be a good idea, for example, to let the reader know where they live. I haven't noticed any mention of that (I might have overlooked something, though!!) and I think it's quite important; if Gareth is going to travel to Ireland, it makes quite a difference where he's travelling from. The way the characters speak seemed quite Irish to me!, so I couldn't really guess where they were from.

*Note1* I think the style of the story gets better towards the end; compared to the last paragraphs, the beginning seems a bit stiff. This might mean that you were "warming up" as you went further and further into the story, and perhaps now it would be a good idea to go back to the beginning and start improving it.

About the rating: 3, for me, means "correct, but not (much) more. The number of punctuation mistakes, which I always find quite distracting, makes it less than correct for me at the moment. Were it one or two, I wouldn't have lowered my rating, but there are more. Also, the way the story is formatted makes it quite difficult to read with enjoyment, that's why the rating is a bit low. However, I promise to re-read you story after you have edited it and raise my rating then and also give you further comments on the story - what do you think about that?

Have a good week and keep writing,

Agnie
11
11
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Redtowrite Author IconMail Icon,

When I started reading this, I thought it started like a very good story; when I got to the end, I knew it was more than that.

Judging by your choice of caterogy, I don't think this is autobiographical, but the power with which you wrote it gives the reader the impression that it must be. You did not try to beautify the style or to make the story effective; it seems that you just effortlessly wrote it in that way. Power lies very often in simplicity.

I don't want to spoil the enjoyment of reading this story for others, so, since I'm posting this review on the Public Review Page, I will only comment on the ending by saying that I had to read it a couple of times, so good you made it, in a subtle way.

For me, this is a five-star story but for your description line, which could be improved tensewise:

She was headed down the wrong path until she finds a friend in rags.

Was headed is Past Simple, finds is Simple Present. I don't think they belong together in a sentence like this. I know it may seem petty to lower the rating for a thing like this, but the description line is often what may attract the reader to your story, so perhaps it would be a good idea to change this?... If you decide to do that, I will change my rating - I always do.

I have noticed one typo:

See, that is "stinking thinking" at it's best. it's its.

*Flower2* I really enjoyed this story. Thank you for posting it! *Flower2*

Agnie
12
12
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
J. A. Buxton Author IconMail Icon,

*Star* This is a very good story - and I really started craving for chocolate while reading it!! The image did its trick too!! *Bigsmile*

*Star* I think you had a great idea, and you did a great job on describing the individual flavours.

*Note1* I think the first few paragraphs are not quite as good as the rest of the story. It seems as if you tried very hard to write ncie language, using colourful phrases, but in the first few paragraphs it seems like you were trying too hard. Later, it becomes more natural.

Two sentences in paragraph 2 seem a little clumsy to me:

No ordinary chocolates were inside but only the best that money could buy. Nestled in six individual white paper cups were milk chocolate and dark chocolate candies waiting for her.

This is what I mean. The language "tries" to be sophisticated here - the unusual word order and phrasing ("the best that money could buy", "nestled"). Nothing wrong with experimenting with the language except that it doesn't really work here; the sentences seem unnatural, a little wooden - and - it makes the descriprion less... yummy than it could be. I would suggest that you go for a little simpler style here, for example style similar to that used in fairytales. It does, actually, read like a fairytale, this story! For example the one about two little children who got lost in the forest and found a house made of gingerbread... They were hungry and ate the whole house, bit by bit, which angered the evil witch who lived inside - on her return, she decided to cook them!

I think the story would benefit from simplifying the style just a bit in places, especially in the first few paragraphs. Apart from that, I have no suggestions. A great idea developed into a good story with an original ending - nothing is explained, but that is fine as that was not what the story is about. It is about the magical powers of chocolate!

I recommend this story to all chocolate fans. Niam... niam...

Agnie
13
13
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A good poll, but it's a shame that you don't have the option mentioned in the description: bad rhyming! There is nothing that puts me off poetry more than bad, boring, clichéd, annoying, terrible rhymes! *Laugh* I think they can kill the best of ideas. I think I can forgive ALMOST everything else in a poem but not horrible rhymes.

Agnie
14
14
Review of Shards of Glass  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Sorji is Novelling! Author IconMail Icon,

I found the link to this poem on the winners list in Malli_Jade Author IconMail Icon's contest and I really liked it. I like the regular repetitiveness of some phrases, I think it really works in this poem. I like the imagery, well, I like basically everything *Smile* and I have just one suggestion: I think if you paid even more attention to the stresses and the number of syllables in the lines you could make this poem even better. For example this line:

The pain in my legs, I cannot move

doesn't sound quite right towards the end, its second part seems too short. But it's also the matter of taste and your choice, whether you think a bit more regularity would suit this poem or not.

Thank you for sharing this poem - I'm really glad I came across it.

Agnie
15
15
Review of Alien Contact  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Kerik / Ed Almighty Author IconMail Icon,

I loved this. It just made me laugh so much. I like this kind of humour, sort of surreal. Short and brilliant.

The "dialogue-only" form really works here, and the fact that so much is left to the reader's imagination makes it even more hilarious... if you only knew what my version of your alien looked like.

*Star* I recommend this story to all who want to read something short that will make them smile. Don't expect some complex joke building up and then exploding, it's not exactly this kind of humour but it's good. *Star*

Agnie
16
16
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Kerik / Ed Almighty Author IconMail Icon,

This is a very good, detailed text. I like the fact that apart from explaining what the particular ratings mean to you, you also told a bit about yourself, your writing and the way you have been learning to write. I think this information can be valuable to the authors you are reviewing. It's nice to know a little about our reviewers; it sometimes makes it easier to understand while the reviewer liked some things and didn't enjoyed others, while another one's opinion was quite the opposite.

I like your approach to the rating system. I also don't think high ratings should be given too easily. I must say I have some trouble with the word "average", but it doesn't just appear in this text, but everywhere on the site. To me, it's a rather imprecise term. It has no meaning unless it's in relation to something, and to know what is "average" in relation to other items on the site, one would have to read an awful lot of items on this site, if not all; that would consequently mean that a newbie shouldn't rate, or that everyone should every now and then go back and lower all the ratings he has given as the writing abilities of the members all the time improve and what was "good" once now may be only "average" *Wink* This might sound a little absurd, but I just wanted to explain while I have trouble applying this word to the rating system. For me, personally, 3 means "correct" - without mistakes, but that's about it; the level of a piece of school homework which might deserve the highest grade at school but wouldn't necessarily be published (self-published, perhaps *Bigsmile* ).

I haven't spotted a single mistake in this item and I like your style, lively, clear and adequate to the nature of the piece.

I like the precision which which you described what the individual rating numbers mean to you. If your reviews are as clear and detailed, you must be a good reviewer.

I will check out more of the items in your port.

Hope you're enjoying your Writing.com time, whether posting your work or reviewing!

Agnie
17
17
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The Critic Author IconMail Icon,

This is another great article and I hope that many authors on this site will read it.

It's true that many online writers, not necessarily young ones, don't realise what posting their work online really entails, and are, as you pointed out, too eager to see their work "in print" to read what is often said in - small print, or to look for more information on copyright laws. It was very thoughtful of you to contact the editor of the e-zine and explain your concerns, and I was quite surprised at her last reply to you. Really, the last of the genre labels you used to describe this story - Horror/Scary - looks very appropriate.

I have checked out the website. It's beautiful and seems professionally run. It's a shame that the editor ignored most of your suggestions concerning informing the authors on the submission guidlines in more detail.

And you were right - all guidelines and all legal contracts should be written in clear language. You'd think a professional, published author (and editor!) should know that.

Thank you for sharing this on the site - it's a warning to many authors.

Agnie
18
18
Review of Mesothelioma  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The Critic Author IconMail Icon,

This is a fantastic article. I'm glad I found it. I have known about the asbestos-related risks for a long time, but have been unaware of the fact how common it is and how many of us can be exposed to it.

I agree with you that substances that are that dangerous should be banned altogether. I often regret living in the times where we are surrounded with so many hidden dangers. We can try to live healthy, watch for the harmful additives in food etc., but there's no way of knowing what really is in the air we breathe.

I wonder how many blocks in Europe were built with the use of asbestos, and whether anybody cares. When I was a child, my mum even used to have an asbestos plate that was supposed to be put on the gas ring to distribute the hear better while cooking. Luckily we soon found out how harmful it was and threw it away - but - people knew already then that substance was harmful. Why did they continue to use it? Why do they still?

Thank you for writing this article and sharing it on the site. I think you should try to publish it somewhere - perhaps after making it more formal, more suitable for publication? The more people find out about this, the better.

Agnie
19
19
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Rolph Darren Author IconMail Icon!

Thank you for posting your story on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

First, let me explain the rating. My first impression, as I started reading your story, was: but this deserves a bit more than the average rating. I was going to give it a 4, and then as I read on realised I could not after all if I wanted to be fair to you. This is a very well written story. You have a great imagination and it is obvious that you worked a lot to write this story the way it is written. Your style is often admirable. But, seeing how much effort you are obviously putting into your writing, I assume you're writing with publication in mind, and his is not the level where you would like to remain. I noticed a few things you could improve about your writing - in this story and perhaps in your writing in general, if this story is representative of your style.

I have had a look at your bio and that made me even more impressed with your writing. I think you have a natural talent for storytelling; besides, you write correctly. I have noticed a missing comma or two but no serious mistakes. There are places where the style could be improved, but let me tell you first of all about the thing which, to me, is the biggest problem in this text.

When writing any story, you have to be aware from what point of view you're telling it. It's quite like with movies. It's easy to imagine your story as a film; at the beginning, we get a shot of the asteroid flying across space, we see planets and stars the way we'd have no chance to see them in real life. A bit like at the beginning of "Star Wars". Then, at the beginning of Chapter 1, we look at the world and things happening in it from the point of view of little creatures of one of the planets - humans. Our perspective is, compared with the first "shot", limited, but while we lose the wider view, we are able to see the details better.

This is what I miss just a little bit in your story. I don't mean exactly you need more detail as such, but I think you could become just a little bit more involved with the characters to make the reader care about them, too. Perhaps the story is just a little too short as well. The reader doesn't have enough time to build a bond with the characters, and that would be a good thing - the disaster you're describing would seem more real then (it could happen to us, too!). I know this is not the kind of story which focuses on the character, but just a little bit more interest in the characters would do the story good.

Another thing is the change of focus at the beginning of Chapter 2. While the prologue works the way it is, I don't know if it is such a good idea to leave the characters in Chapter 1 never to come back to them again and again show the reader the shot of the asteroids. How could it be done in a movie? Perhaps we would first see the asteroids (dramatic music playing, a lot of bass... *Wink* ), and then we'd be back with the characters eg. listening to the news. Instead of showing what is happening the way you did it in the prologue, you could do it indirectly and show it to the reader the way the characters experience it. It would be more believable and at the same time you would avoid the unnatural jumping back and forth. I think it works better in a story like this one not to change the perspective so much too many times. First you showed us the flying asteroids and that was very impressive. Then you zoomed in on one of the planets - don't back out now and fly back into space before you explore this perspective! Give us just a little bit more of the characters' perspective.

I guess you might be familiar with H. G. Wells's "War of the Worlds". You could try to tell our story in a bit similar way. If you decide to read this book (again?), pay attention to whose perspective the author takes, and how it works for you.

The last chapter, Chapter 3, is more of a report than a chapter of a story. It looks a little bit as if you had been in a hurry to finish the story, and I couldn't blame you - I know the feeling. But I think the story ends before you use all the possibilities this plot gives you. It's not just about the length, more about the way of telling it.

In some places, the style could be improved, for example:

He heard her scream. She was alive! He could hear her scream so she had to be alive! Then without warning rain began to fall, but this was no ordinary rain, this rain was on fire, like a spitting breath of a dragon, as Raymond would recall later.

Your repeating the same thing here doesn't really make it stronger; in fact, the fewer words you use to describe something sudden and dramatic, the more effective they are (in most cases). I think the third sentence is unnecessary; I suggest you change it, for example:

He heard her scream. She was alive! Then without warning rain began to fall, but this was no ordinary rain, this rain was on fire, like a spitting breath of a dragon, as Raymond would recall later.

Some of the parts of this story are told wonderfully, in the kind of language that made me reread them a few times. I think you definitely have potential as a writer and I would advice you what I also have to tell myself again and again: don't be afraid to use this potential to the full, to work on your story until you're sure you've done your best. If you're sure you want to work on this particular story, that is. Sometimes it's best to just leave some stories alone, treat them as a writing exercise and move on to write new things. You'll decide whether you want to still work on this story or leave it as it is, but I hope some of these thoughts that came to my mind while reading and reviewing it will help you in some way *Wink*

Once again, thank you for posting on my forum. I hope that this won't be the only review you're getting coming from there; according to the rules of the forum, you should review and be reviewed by at least one other person posted there. I hope it will work *Wink*

Agnie
20
20
Review of So It Goes  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
DJ Author IconMail Icon,

I liked this story, too. I liked the other one more, but that's just because it suited my mood better. This one is completely different, both in subject matter and style. I can see that you don't stick to one style of writing, and that's a very good thing.

What I like most about this story is the energy in it, and the sudden changes of focus. Sometimes it's just a little difficult to figure out what is happening, due to the way you describe it, but that's a good thing here - the reader all the time looks through the eyes of the main character, and if the occasional confusion is the price to pay for it, it is worth it - in return, the picture we get is very real, though hazy at times, perhaps because of the contents of that bottle you mention in the last sentence... Good stuff, really well written. As with your previous story, I don't see a thing which I would suggest changing.

I had a look at your bio and couldn't believe what I saw. You are nineteen?? I don't mean young people usually write badly, but still - I was surprised. The style of your writing is very mature. If you write like this now, what next? Do keep it up. Many older writers on this site could learn from you.

I hope you'll post more stories soon for everyone here to read. Thank you for sharing the two I was lucky enough to come across,

Agnie
21
21
Review of In the Dark  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
DJ Author IconMail Icon,

I came upon this story by coincidence on the Static Item page and I really enjoyed it. At the beginning, it didn't impress me so very much, but it was getting better and better as I read. It's very interesting in a quiet, peaceful way and it's thanks to the way it is written. I like the original way you approached the subject matter, the language you used - a bit artificial at times, a bit too literary for normal human conversation, and yet so well fitting the style of the story and the situation you're describing.

I really don't hand out fives often, but I do when I like something enough, and this story deserves a five, in my opinion.

I can't see anything which you should change. From my point of view, the story has no faults.

Thank you for sharing this story,

Agnie
22
22
Review of All I Really Want  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, MadMan at Large Author IconMail Icon!

I came across this poem by coincidence, or rather because of its very strong title! I noticed the sponsored link on top of the page and I couldn't help myself - I had to click! The title is effective, definitely *Smile*

I enjoyed reading this poem. Even without reading the description line that says this is "probably the most honest thing you'll ever write", I can see this honesty in your stanzas. I myself believe in honesty as the most important thing in poetry - and I don't mean one should write only about himself and his own feelings, but pretending to be someone else for the sake of following what might be appreciated by others will in most cases make the poem sound fake. There is nothing that would seem fake about yours.

I really like the fact that you decided not to use rhymes. I can't recall reading any other poems by you so I am not comparing this to your other (possibly rhymed - ?) poems, I just mean that this style really suits the mood of this poem. Rhymes would take the reader's attention away from what you're saying.

Personally, I can see only one thing that I could describe as a "fault" in this poem. I feel that the structure of the stanza starts to seem a little monotonous somewhere in the middle of the poem. This is a long poem, and perhaps it would be good to make the structure just a little more varied in some way? You kind of did it in the last two stanzas by making it longer, but I'm not sure if it's enough, and I feel that the fact that the last line always follows the same pattern weakens the impact of the last stanza. The last line especially could be much stronger. Perhaps breaking some line in one of the earlier stanzas into two shorter ones or varying the punctuation - I'm just trying to give examples, I don't want to suggest that you do one of these things if the poem feels right to you as it is.

This is absolutely the only aspect where I feel there could be room for improvement. Otherwise, the poem is fine to me. Very good, emotional writing, and very honest.

Good work. I'm glad I found it!

Agnie
23
23
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Vivian Author IconMail Icon!

I found this reviewed on the Public Reviewing Page. A very well written article, brief and to the point. I don't think too many people have written about this before - this is the first text I've read on this issue. Good you wrote it!

Personally, I'm not bothered if a member lets other know in his/her handle that s/he needs GPs. This way I know that someone needs help, but I don't feel obliged to send any GPs and don't feel guilty if I don't do it. I paid for my upgrade, but I can't afford to buy GPs. But I don't mind seeing those handles... though... hm... I guess too many exclamation marks ("I need GPs PLEEEAASE!!!!!!") looks tacky - you're right.

Reviewing for GPs requires strong ethics, too... I think we all know what a review written ONLY for GPs, whether for reviewing a new member or an autorewarded item, looks like. *Frown* But this is a topic for another article.

I think the best thing about your article is that it lets people know that some members are bothered by the manners in which some people ask for GPs. I haven't asked for them, but, honestly, until recently I never thought anyone could be bothered by it. I have seen those "X needs GPs!!!" handles so often that I just thought that this way of asking for things on this site. I believe that some members, especially the new ones (not complete newbies who may not know the worth of GPs yet, but a bit older ones) may not realise they are annoying some people, especially that they have probably been contacted only by those who decided to help them, not by those who are annoyed. Your article may let them know some members can be bothered by the methods they use, and it's nicer to find out about a thing like that sort of impersonally, reading an article like yours, than, for example, by e-mail ("I don't like your begging handle!!" *Laugh* ).

* I think there is a typo in the second paragraph from the end: "no matter how much I wish I can" *Right* wish I could - ?

I'm glad I came upon your article - it drew my attention to something I never gave much thought to before.

Agnie
24
24
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
VickysBeachHouseBooks Author IconMail Icon,

Thank you for posting your story on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

I enjoyed your story a lot. It is very well written.
The story reads very naturally, but at the same time it is very well planned. Either you do it subconsciously and it "just happened", in which case you are a writer with a great intuition, or you managed to plan your story without letting it show. The progression from your thoughts while driving to work to the details of your working evening and then to your personal reflections is perfect. One part flows into the other smoothly, naturally, without anything that might distract the reader.

I like the very personal, "real" style of the story. I have only now noticed this is non-fiction, but the authenticity of it led me to thinking that it probably was. At the same time, this is more than an experience put in words. A valuable experience, if told poorly, may not have a strong effect on the reader, but yours is a great story, very well told.

Your style is excellent, language varied and interesting, and I really appreciate it that the story has been carefully edited. There are no typos except one, which I pointed out below. Your punctuation is great. Perhaps I shouldn't even mention these things *Bigsmile* - but I want to tell you I appreciate them. Even a good story can be ruined by "little" things like these.

I have noticed just a few things which should be changed, and I am listing them below. It looks like a long list, but in fact there are only three details that need to be changed; I just explained the reasons for these changes, just in case, so that's why this part of the review looks long.

The daily duties we have aren't generally physically demanding. Though recently, some of the residents have become more dependent and require a slight amount of physical exertion from us; still far from the back-breaking work in a skilled nursing facility.

I find this part a little unclear; which point are you stressing here? I would suggest revising; it can be done in two ways, depending on what you want to emphasise:

The daily duties we have aren't generally physically demanding, though recently some of the residents have become more dependent and require a slight amount of physical exertion from us. Still, it is far from the back-breaking work in a skilled nursing facility.

or

The daily duties we have aren't generally physically demanding. Though recently some of the residents have become more dependent and require a slight amount of physical exertion from us, still it is far from the back-breaking work in a skilled nursing facility.

Thinking I might be able to take a break, the pager attached to my belt loop starts beeping.

In sentences like this one, the subject needs to be the same in both clauses. Here, it is not; in the first clause, it is "I" ([While I am] thinking I might be able to take a break), in the second, the pager. I've noticed this is sometimes accepted in English, when the subject confusion isn't too visible (still, it is logically incorrect), but here it is. It looks as if the beeper was thinking something. The problem can be fixed for example in this way:

Thinking I might be able to take a break, I hear the pager attached to my belt loop start beeping.

Nothing note worthy.

"Noteworthy" should be spelt as one word.

Once again, thank you for posting this story on my forum. Otherwise I might not have found it!

Have a good day,

Agnie
25
25
Review of To The End  Open in new Window.
Review by Agnie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Martha1234 Author IconMail Icon,

I see you're new here - welcome! I hope you like the site.

This is a nice try. The feeling feels real in this poem, and I like your word choices. I also like the way you vary the length of the lines. It makes/lets the reader concentrate on what you're saying in the poem rather than fall asleep and go with the rhythm, like on a long train ride! *Wink* Good job.

I also like your use of punctuation. You use it only when it's really necessary, and it's good. Skipping the punctuation altogether sometimes makes a poem difficult to read, and using punctuation on the same basis as in prose doesn't suit all poems. I like the way you handled this.

The only thing that really harms this poem is, in my opinion, the choice of rhymes. A lot of them are really common, overused rhymes that it's best to avoid. You might get away with one, but there are too many in this short poem: bright-night is the worst, be-see - not always bad, but together the other common rhymes it is too much, and before-door - it has been used in so many songs, hasn't it?

I would suggest that you try to find other rhyming words. They don't always have to rhyme exactly. As long as you get the vowels and dipthongs to sound the same, the reader will catch the rhyme. This would give you a chance to use so many words. And if you can't always find a good matching word, just don't rhyme at all.

This is a matter of taste, of course - a lot of people here won't mind these rhymes, and may not like weak rhymes and tell you: this doesn't really rhyme! *Wink* It's up to you to decide. What I said here is my opinion, but I'm sure a lot of readers will love this poem just as it is. Just decide which way you want to go.

I hope you'll like it here on the site and post some more works soon!

Agnie
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