I really enjoyed it the first time through, but I read it a few times and I think I like it more each time through. I like how the color imagery is kind of subtle, but it really gives a full picture.
My favorite part is the second stanza. I like the sort of longing-ness of it. Something that's a little lonely and a little hopeful.
I really read this as a love-story discussion between the sky and the ground. Don't know if that's what you were going for, but I appreciate the feeling of it.
In your last stanza, I'm not sure if you meant to leave the "i" uncapitalized or if it should be capitalized. Could be a stylistic choice, or a typo?
Anyhow, thanks for the poem. I did enjoy it's sweetness!
Very touching. It was a little bit hard for me to follow the "story" of this poem but the emotions are spot on. This is a very emotional poem and I think that's what matters most when talking about this topic. Obviously your husband would probably know the "story" behind these emotions already (or that's my guess anyway) so I don't know how important it is to really get the "what" solid. I guess it depends on your audience. If you husband is your audience then this is great. If readers like me are your audience you might want a bit more of a solid story/what so that I could understand where exactly the emotions were stemming from. All in all, however, I liked this a lot and the emotions were very touching. Thank you for sharing and please, keep writing!
-Agent
I love, LOVE, the rhythm of this piece. When I read it out loud I loved the way the poem flows and rises and falls. It feels so natural and easy. Nothing seems forced at all. I like the subtle rhymes and then how they flow into no rhymes. It all fits together gorgeously.
The name of this poem is very fitting as well. Not only does it make me think of the season fall which is alluded to by the falling leaves, but it also fits with the flow of the poem. I love how the word "tumbled" really makes the poem lead into a falling type feeling which I feel is just perfect for what you're saying here.
Wow Ghost... I really enjoyed this poem. It brought a smile to my face. I love the rhyme pattern and the light-hearted attitude of it all.
I think your formatting is unique. It really helps the flow and the rhythem of the whole poem. Good job!
My only suggestion is that inbetween where you say "Final fantasy..." and "Nintendo gamecube..." it seems a little jumbled. I think that maybe you meant to separate these sections more. At first I couldn't decide if I was supposed to read "Metal gear solid, nintendo gamecube is still number one..." or if I was supposed to read the "metal gear solid" lines and then the "gamecube" lines. That's just spacing though, nothing major.
Also, you use puncution at times. There may be other lines where you could incoporporate more puncuation. Puncuation helps with pacing and also to help the reader hear it like you do. Though, the structure of the poem kind of lends to pacing on it's own so really it could be fine as it is. Just a thought.
This is really good though. I love the way you incorporate all the games and their stations. And the line about homestarrunner.com is funny (some people might not get it if they've never heard of the sight but I used to go there a lot and I know what you're saying lol). This will really capture the heart of gamers, friends of gamers, and hopefully non gamers as well. Job well done! Keep writing!
"Upon the hill outside the woods there was an almighty crack and in the ground appeared, an enormous crevasse from which a short well built man, by the name of Krug materialized from."
-use of commas here. Should be "Upon the hill outside the woods there was an almighty crack, and in the ground appeared an enormous crevasse from which a short, well built man by the name of Krug materialized from."
"...whispered to Veritius “it’s the mark their here, how did they find us,” as soon as..."
-"Their" should be "they're"
"Once he was on his feet Krug noticed something on his arm a look of fear filled his harsh features he whispered to Veritius “it’s the mark their here, how did they find us,” as soon as Veritius saw the mark he handed the baby back to Krug and got straight to work ordering some of his guards to scout the area he then murmured an incantation; this brought fifty more elves from nowhere half of them surrounded the baby and Krug as this was done hundred of people came running out the forest with sliver masks on with looks of torture on them they had black torn cloaks and large curved sword they seem to effortlessly run across the hilly ground."
-This is a run on sentance. There are many ways to break this up into smaller sentances. Doing so will help the paragraph to flow better.
There are other examples of run ons which could also be fixed. Just read through this again and see if you can break up any of the super long sentances into smaller sentances.
"...Veritius’s eyes widen in horror the thought ran through his mind these are not human what are they all our effort to save this boy and we’ve lost at the first hurdle, he gave the elves that had positioned themselves in front of him, the order to aim and one after an other they pulled their..."
-Sometimes when saying 'so and so thought this or that' it helps if you enclose their thoughts in quotation marks or italics or somehow set them apart from the rest of the sentance. Also, this is another run on so just be careful that you don't keep rambling on in the same sentance. Run ons are easily fixed if you take a few minutes to work out puncuation and what not.
Overall, this is not a bad piece. It has a lot of good action sequences and plot development. It is a great opening chapter for a story. You need to work a little bit with sentance construction and watch some minor grammar errors. Another suggestion I have is that you split up some of the longer paragraphs into smaller ones. This will help make it a smoother read since readers won't get lost in a jumbo paragraph.
You have a good start here. And I'm looking forward to more from you. Keep writing and keep working with your writing, and you'll be fine. :)
Always,
Agent409
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