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13 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Skinhead  Open in new Window.
Review by adassatti Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this piece. A lot. I understand the scene you are coming from; though I am not a skinhead, I've been a good old-fashion, straight-up punk my entire life, and have been raised that way. So, I completely identify with the ignorant stereotyping and obnoxious comments, and the whole sense of a unified community to belong. I know the racist bulls*** must get ridiculously annoying (though I feel that word is not strong enough), and that, I don't ever get, but I still sympathize with you, regardless; people are too quick to judge.

Well, if I may offer a few suggestions, there's only a couple things I have in mind. (1) You switch between capitalizing "Nazi" and not capitalizing it - I'd stick with one - probably capitalization. (2) In the second stanza, I thought the rhythm of the poem was thrown off - you end three of the lines with "us" and I think you should find new words to rhyme with - and the last two lines, "animals" and "us" is a little too much of a stretch, so think about playing around with those lines. (3) Are you trying to say the pride of 1969 or just 69ing (haha don't mean to sound crude), because if you mean 1969, you should put an apostrophe to denote that it's a year - '69 - I'm assuming this due to your references to ska. (4) This is a suggestion I make to everyone - look at the punctuation, because it can make all the difference in emphasizing different points or lines - it'll add a more dramatic and powerful effect by applying long pauses with periods, semicolons, and colons, or a quick, ranting feelings through lack of punctuation. Just an idea!

Overall, this piece is great. I love the viewpoint and the way you express such an unseen perspective that is totally relatable. Even though you focus on skinheads, your piece is universal enough to reach out to other similar stereotyped experiences. Excellent work, and my suggestions are merely that! Keep it up!

Sincerely,
Alison
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2
Review of A Helping Hand  Open in new Window.
Review by adassatti Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey! First of all, I love this story. The fact that you provided just the right amount of character insight is what really moves along the suspense, as the reader feels enough of a connection to worry for their well-being in such a situation. It makes it possible for the ending to have that much more of an impact, and it is realistic and easy to see how innocent people can get caught up in horrible crimes. So as far as storyline goes, I'm very impressed. I did take the liberty to go through and edit some lines grammatically (as suggestions), because that's second-nature for me to do, haha, so don't take it the wrong way. I copied the line then added my comments in the parenthesis below it. Let me know if anything doesn't make sense, why I made a correction, or what the Standard English Convention rule is; I didn't want to get too wordy or in-depth with grammar rules, but will gladly provide an explanation if needed. So here are just my short-hand notes on certain parts:


She kept the house I had worked so hard for, she kept my dog; she even kept my Nintendo gaming system from childhood.
(awkward structure - try, "She kept my dog, the house I worked so hard for, and even my prized Nintendo gaming system from my childhood.")

He was successful in work, unsuccessful in covering up his receding hairline, and somewhat successful in co-parenting his ten year-old twin daughters who lived with their mother a couple miles away.
(repetition - I have mixed feelings on the repetitive use of "successful", it works, but the last one throws it off, but like I said, I have mixed feelings, just thought it was worth mentioning)

I didn’t really see him much because he spent so much time at his accounting job.
(comma before "because")

We communicated through a series of post-it notes on the refrigerator while I took his advice of going out to local bars and banging it out with the lovely locals who were probably trying to forget their past, too.
(repetition - "local")

My confidence was through the roof after six years of a relationship with someone who was only physically attracted to me for maybe half of them.
(commas around maybe)

I had a strange time at the bar...
(awkward phrasing - change "strange")

The color had been drained from his face and he looked about forty-five instead of thirty
(get rid of "about", makes a more definite, stronger statement)

“Huh? What did you say?”
(either just “Huh?” or “Huh? What’d you say?” - quicker, less formal, more realistic, especially after drinking)

I must have been really drunk that night, or maybe I’m just thick, because I could not understand what was happening for the life of me.
(tense shifting - “must have been drunk” -past- / “I’m just thick” -present-)

If I could go back, I wouldn’t have come home that night. I would have let that girl’s boyfriend beat me to a pulp. I would have spent a couple days in the hospital. I could live with those scars.
(combining sentences - adds more emotion “If I could go back, I wouldn’t have come home that night, I would have let that girl’s boyfriend beat me to a pulp, I would have spent a couple days in the hospital; I could live with those scars.”)

In my dim state of mind, I couldn’t have foreseen what happened next. Mike strode the room in just a few long steps and said, close to my face so I could tell he had been drinking too,
(commas - "close to my face, so I could tell he had been drinking, too,")

“You have to help me, Rob. You’re my brother. I’ve always been there for you. I will never ask another favor from you in my life. But right now, I need you to come with me.”
(make a run-on to show nervous urgency - truer to character mental state)

 “You’re going back over to her place? No, man, neither of us are in the condition to drive right now. I think you should just sleep this off, see how you feel about it in the morning.
(missing end quote)

Mike stood outside the dark bathroom, just pointed in, and avoiding eye contact.
(sentence structure - try, "Mike stood outside the dark bathroom, pointing in and avoiding eye contact.")

I know now that I knew this was going to be bad because my hand was shaking as I reached for the light switch.
(repetition - know/knew)

I think I started shaking my head and saying ‘no’ over and over.
(repetition - just used "shaking" at end of last paragraph)

I turned to run, but Mike blocked the entrance, standing several inches taller than me. “What have you done?”
(sentence structure - try, "I turned to run, but standing several inches taller than me, Mike blocked the entrance.”)

“This isn’t working,” I hear Mike whisper, sounding so weak and scared in the dark of the woods.
(tense shifting - heard)

We both stood over six feet and hadn’t even gotten a shovelful of dirt out.
(awkwardly placed within paragraph - hard to tell you’re talking about height, six feet is the depth of a grave, so that’s what you first think the sentence is about, but then it goes on to say that a shovelful of dirt hasn’t even been dug yet)

 “Jesus. What were you thinking?” I ask for the first time, then almost laugh out of the pure insanity of this entire situation I’ve been placed in.
(tense shifting - asked)

He starts crying, head in his hands, he falls down right in front of me.
(tense shifting - started, fell)


I found your biggest mistake is tense shifting, which is naturally very tricky. This piece is predominantly written in past tense, but you switch to present tense every so often. The fact that you have a present point of narration is what leads to some more confusion regarding this, but you do a good job with it overall. Just be watchful for using present tense when your character is in the past or describing the past.

Well, I hope that helps! And again, I don't want the grammatical corrections to come of as rude or make me seem pretentious, I've just got an eye for it being an English teacher. My full opinion on the piece is very positive, as I think it is very well-written, so keep it up!

Sincerely,
Alison
3
3
Review by adassatti Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am very appreciative of free verse, especially as it is the style in which I most write in and read. So, when I saw that in this poem's brief description, I was immediately drawn.

The first thing I want to say is that I love the lines. The message and flow is fluid, and I feel where you broke lines is perfect. You paint a vivid picture, my favorite lines being, "Yet, for all my poise / On a warm summer day, / Who am I to judge / When winter will rest / it's tired feet?" It is composed beautifully. It really caught my attention.

I have one actual correction. "... winter will rest / it's tired feet?" - Use "its"; it is one of those exceptions to the rule. The possessive form of "it" does not have an apostrophe, though it is common to think it does. "It's" means "it is". Think of the apostrophe as standing in for the "i" in "is". So when writing a sentence, stop and replace "it is" where you want to use it's/its, and if it doesn't make sense then you know you're using the wrong one. I hope that's not too confusing, I wanted to explain it so you would understand why I am making the correction and so you can benefit from it in the future (I'm also a high school English teacher, so it just happens, haha).

Now, if I may, I would like to offer a suggestion. Think about playing around with punctuation to give your lines a more dramatic impact. When reading poetry, you read with the punctuation, not the line. For example, with "I am but a rose / I live like any other", you don't pause with the break, you continue reading, because there is no punctuation to stop you. Just like in a sentence. An idea for those to lines to say what, I think, you want to say is, "I am but a rose. / I live like any other." I added the periods for a dramatic pause. But if you used commas instead, it would be a brief pause. That's just something to think about throughout the poem. If you have any questions feel free to ask!

Overall, I enjoyed this piece very much - good job! Keep it up!

Sincerely,
Alison
4
4
Review by adassatti Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like the overall concept of the ups and downs of a mother/son relationship that withstands time. The color symbolism you used for emotion was very inviting as well. It added an extra layer.

In regards to you wondering if your rhyming seems "childish", I think I may have some possible ideas. If I may, I believe you feel this way because, despite having a rhyme scheme, the rhythm of each couplet is off; it doesn't have the same flow as the lines before or after it. You said that you tend to sing your poems in your head as you write them, which is why you gravitate towards rhyming. Do you ever sing them aloud, or read them aloud? This is one of the easiest ways to determine if your rhythm is awkward or not. I do that all the time, because you can sometimes hear mistakes that you don't see reading silently. It's worth a shot at least. Also, keep up the same rhyme scheme throughout the entire piece, that will add fluidity.

My other suggestion is to play around with near rhymes to make it a little more technical and, ultimately, more vivid and powerful.
Ex: gold/soul death/next blaze/stage
You may have to restructure some of your lines to do this, but maybe not. Use a dictionary and thesaurus - those are my best friends when playing with a rhyming poem.

I hope this helps! But remember, suggestions are merely that - suggestions. Own your writing and create your own art. Again, I like the topic and variety of experiences described through time. Keep up the good work!
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