I was impressed by your poem. Your point is well taken, and you have good images to back it up.
When I read the poem, however, all of the repeating "the's" seemed to get in the way, taking away from the punch your images create.
I think you could do away with the "the's" in ll. 1, 2, 3, 5 and 6. And in l. 9, "Uneasy with....." might work better. The ending lines are very nicely written.
Hope you don't mind my nitpicking.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Thanks for posting this one.
I came to your song via the Public Reviewing Page. And I was glad I did. I enjoyed it and read it aloud a couple times, as did the reviewer. I am a musician, and were I in the composing mode, I would love to set this to music. I ask your permission in advance, should the muse so inspire me. The saxophone seems somehow right for the sentiments you put forth. Too bad we can't bring back Debussy and give him a commission.
The 1.5 rating and the accompanying review
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #949834 by Not Available.
were ludicrous, at best. I found the review, with it's irritating dwelling on metrical detail, to be without much merit. I, in fact, liked your variations in rhyme scheme, and thought them refreshing.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Have a look at mine if you have the chance.
I'll start by saying the blind worship of the devil disturbs me. Blind worship of Jesus, Buddha, et. al. bothers me equally as much. Neither have anything to do with "eternal knowledge." I hope, in my advanced years, that all of our knowing comes from our appreciation of values, education and relationships.
And, as a matter of pure curiosity, what sort of resurrection does the devil foretell? One in which everybody seeks brutal, carnal atrocities to the point of nothing else? I wonder about the value in that.
On a purely grammatical level, the second half of the third line is flawed:
Maybe "that our souls may reproduce to entirety."
or "that our souls may reproduce their entity."
And in the next to the last line, "harbor" would be better used as a noun. Maybe "peace of mind may find harbor." The intransitive use of the verb here meaning "to take shelter in a harbor" still implies an object.
I enjoyed reading this. Your use of words and images were often powerful and to the point.
A couple suggestions:
1. The word "thy" in the first stanza didn't make much grammatical sense - unless you were using the word in a purposely out of place way . "Thee" would work in all three cases, perhaps even "thine" if you are really taken by the old, archaic forms of possesive pronouns.
2. Stanza 2, line6. Opening a world in which.... - you need to add the preposition.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 6:44pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
