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1
1
Review of Bipolar and me  
Review by AbbyReed
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Oh how I long to just be me.
The person I want all to see."

This part spoke to me. My daughter has often used these exact words, sometimes while sobbing to me during a particularly low or anxious point. You go on to capture that fear of no one ever knowing the real person beneath the symptoms. This is real. We have all encountered people to whom we react to the outward appearance, be it a mood or a facial expression or a physical trait and we are blinded to the human beneath.

"Like a rubber ball against a wall
They bounce around without control."

I like the imagery of this statement. It conveys what I imagine is the relentlessness of the mental chaos.

I like the overall positive message, despite the pain. Better days to come are a certainty.

The rhythm is good. I might trade a few words to enhance the flow, such as 'By' for 'But' in the second line.

The rhyme structure is ambitious and it works well. Choosing to rhyme each pair of lines keeps us more disciplined than freer prose. You did a nice job of keeping the rhymes tight. Only one pair stood out to me as a stretch: "same" and "again." Perhaps there is a way to re-word this that does not change the meaning being conveyed?

Thanks for sharing and the opportunity to provide feedback. I look forward to future verses, perhaps that tell a story of finding harmony and order within the disorder. *Smile*

Abby Reed
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Review of Reflections  
Review by AbbyReed
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a "Invalid Item"  review.


Hello, Holden Caulfield

I found "Reflections"  on the Review Request page. Since I lean a bit toward the existential, it piqued my interest. I must admit up front, that poetry is difficult for me. I write it only when required and shy away from reviewing it. Subtlety and symbolism are not my strengths. But, real growth is achieved through venturing outside one's comfort zone. I hope you find something helpful and encouraging.

I caught on right away to the aabbcc rhyming scheme. I am not certain if this poem follows a certain format, but I can tell you that the pattern had a nice rhythm and lilt overall. And you did a nice job of maintaining that rhyming scheme throughout with word pairs like birth/dearth and exist/kissed. I don't know if you make practice of using a rhyming dictionary, but I encourage you to do so. It is a wonderful tool for leading you to some creative, unique words we seldom use. I find that word choice in poetry is more critical than in other forms. The precise shade of meaning is essential, or the vision is never achieved. Your rigorous attention to the rhyming scheme is great. I wonder if you could explore alternatives for some of the more common words, such as light/sight and unknown/alone?

Right away I was struck by the overall positive tone of this piece. I believe one reason I shy away from poetry is it is often filled with over-whelming sadness. I wish poetry was not the first choice of the forlorn. I felt a recognition that life is hard journey, but that every struggle is part of the process, leading to your ultimate revelation that we are all connected. Like I said before, I can be a bit of dolt when it comes to innuendo, but this is the message I take away, and I think it is a good one. Your touch was gentle throughout, guiding me along, never hitting me over the head with your message.

I have a favorite line. The moment I read it, it sounded as if you wrote it for me. I could see myself and all the ideas and beliefs I have chased down and tried to maintain, only to find out later my search for the truth is still not over. This line is truly poetic.

For all the rusty rings we kissed

There are a few lines that have a clunky quality, as if you are so close to the right word, but off just a bit. I don't know if you are a musician, but a couple of lines remind me of what it sounds like when a few of the instruments in the orchestra are slightly out of tune. I suggest going back over every line, reading it out loud and asking yourself if each word conveys exactly what you feel. It might mean you will end up re-working a rhyme, or two. But, I believe rigorous honesty and the pursuit of truth in our writing is worth the effort, even when it delays the finished work.

I enjoyed this poem and the message it carried. I hope you keep writing and sharing your unique view of the world.

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Review of The Joker  
Review by AbbyReed
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a "Invalid Item"  review.


Hello, Wendyd .

I just finished reading "The Joker"  and I would like to offer you a few thoughts. This review is being done as part of a course sponsored by "Invalid Item" . You may find it is a bit more intensive than other reviews you may receive. Please remember, I am a fellow writer and reviewing your work provide me an opportunity to look at my own with a more careful eye. I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful.

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This piece caught my eye right away because of the title and the description. I have four children of my own. I can relate to almost everything you said! I applaud your efforts to write these things down. Years will go by and before you realize it, she will be 21 and in her own apartment. I am going through this now. You will remember much, but just like all of the moments of our lives, most of these days will fade away. I like to think each event is not forgotten, but simply locked away inside my mind like buried treasure with no map.

You have a tender voice and it is clear you love your daughter very much. You do a nice job conveying to the reader that parenting a child with ADHD is tough, but it comes with many rewards.

Children are a great topic for non-fiction writing. So many of us have children and they consume our lives for many years. They are often the first things on our minds as we drag ourselves out of bed each morning and the last as we stagger back to our beds each night. Even if we do not have children with ADHD, many of us can still relate. Precociousness is not limited to pathology. Should you wish to go public with your writings, perhaps with a blog about parenting a child with ADHD, there is a large audience out there looking to reminisce, get inspiration or help with a similar situation.

There is a tremendous amount of information packed into this article. I suggest breaking it apart and focusing on one topic at a time. For example, the section on medication could be a series of articles. You could expand it to discuss more about how easy or hard it was to decide to try medication, the exact medicines you tried and more about the effects - desired and not - and even how you got her to be able to swallow a pill. (I add that because I have a 12 year old who still cannot swallow a pill. She has to take chew-able ibuprofen for her menstrual cramps! I find it funny and ironic.)

Another topic for further exploration would be the section about your experience with pre-school. You could write about her teachers and their level of understanding and expertise with an ADHD child. The anecdote about having to come to school to retrieve her when she refused to cooperate seems to indicate that the teacher could have benefited from more training and skills to better handle children like yours.

When I read this article, I was struck that the style reads much like a journal entry. Because there is so much information, it also struck me as a rough first draft, rather than a polished, perfected piece. For me, I have found when I write about things I love it is important that I leave it alone for a while then come back to it with the eye of an editor, rather than a person in love with this topic who wants to share it with the world. I say this because it brings me to my next point: this article needs some tough love to make it ready for an audience beyond you and your family. Capturing every detail for you to look back on, or your child to read many years from now is wonderful. My children love to hear every tiny memory I have of them. But, our writing needs to be more concise and disciplined. Every word we write does not deserve to make it to the finished product. Sometimes we have to cut some really great stuff. Have you ever watched the "Deleted Scenes" from a movie on a DVD? Some of those scenes may be great, but the story is better without them. I encourage you to come back to this article and start cutting. For inspiration, try reading Stephen King's On Writing. In high school, he wrote about sports for the local paper. When he turned in his first article, he learned his first and best lesson about writing: remove unnecessary words.

The title of the story is wonderful, especially if the article were about this particular episode. But the face painting is presented as another anecdote in a series of anecdotes. When I read your first and last paragraphs together, it is clear that you are telling the audience that your child is both a handful and a blessing. You mention in both the opening and closing that you sometimes wish she were already grown because the job is so tough. With that, I believe the focus of this piece is less about an individual incident and more about your struggles to cope. Perhaps you may want to consider a different title?

I did not see any spelling errors. Nice work! The word principle should be swapped out for principal in the paragraph about your daughter's observation about taking medicine at school. This is a common error that spell checkers won't catch. I had to look it up just to make certain I had it right!

I noticed a few commas missing. When starting with Well or So, a comma separates it from the rest of the sentence. I also noticed the overuse of quotations. For example: ...let me just say "they are impulsive and sometimes uncontrollable." There is no need for quotations here because there is no dialogue and you are not quoting anyone. The article is already written in the first person, so it clear that you are the one speaking . You can use bold for emphasis.

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*BurstV*I encourage you to keep writing and sharing. And enjoy that little girl! She sounds like an amazing child with a unique way of seeing the world.I especially loved how she calls the principal "the school police."*BurstV*

*BurstV*Thanks for the opportunity to read your work.*BurstV*

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Review of Kite Chasing  
Review by AbbyReed
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a "Invalid Item"  review.


Hello, AnonymousTodd .

I just finished reading "Kite Chasing"  and I would like to share my observations and feedback with you. This review was done to fulfill a class requirement, so it may be longer and more intensive than others you receive. Remember, I am a fellow writer looking to improve my craft. Your piece provided me the opportunity to analyze my own writing with a more calculating eye. Thanks for making your work available to me. I hope you find this review helpful.

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I found this piece while perusing the Review Request Page. The title grabbed my attention. The description sealed the deal. I was hooked from the first line. I like the kite analogy. It brings to mind idyllic, iconic images of childhood and youth. The kite is light, airy and beautiful. It is a nice symbol for our morals. We fly them for all to see. We hang on tight to fragile strands that connect us. The wind tugs and pulls the kite higher and higher - almost out of our sight, but we keep hanging on. Each day, we reel in our kites and see a little more damage, but we keep flying them. One day, a swift gust snaps the cord or rips it from our grip. Just like that, our kite is gone. When we are young, we cannot fathom an event that might make us lose sight of our morals.

The opening paragraph grabs the reader by the collar and tells him, "Listen! I need to tell you something important." You tell us we cannot hold onto our youth. This is scary to those who haven't lost it yet. Those of us who waved goodbye a while ago are nodding in agreement. Good job getting our attention.

Your re-work of the traditional slippery-slope argument has great imagery. I like the visual of seeing a person trying to hold onto a thrashing fish. My concern is it does not fit in the first paragraph. The kite analogy has us looking up in the sky, feeling the tug of the wind trying to yank away our kite. You are asking us to let go of the kite and hold onto a fish. Is it possible to work it in elsewhere?

Your style is conversational right from the beginning. As a first person account, this story lends itself to this style of narrative. It is a good, solid choice. I caution you about being too casual. Too many small phrases separated by commas can muddle the narrative making it harder to follow.

For example, "Youth is an easy answer, if you’re looking for easy answers. But there are other things, less tangible things – that is, if you can believe there are things less tangible than youth – which disappear as quickly. Morals, I think, can fit into this category."

I suggest removing "that is" and "I think" to tighten up the thoughts a little without losing the overall tone and feeling of the writing.

In keeping with the theme of clarity in the informal style, another sentence had me pausing to re-read a few times. It is the repetition of the word "do" that makes it hard to follow. I would suggest re-working this for clarity, while still keeping the feeling of resignation from the character.

Example:

"The thing is, once you do what you do to lose your morals, your morality, you’ll do pretty much anything to protect yourself. That’s all I did, really."

My suggestion:

The thing is, once you do something to lose your morals - your morality - you will protect yourself any way you can. That’s all I did, really.

I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds the other day with my youngest daughter. (We love crime dramas!) The Behavioral Sciences team was analyzing dialogue and something they said resonated with me. The word "just" diminishes the impact of what we are trying to say. It is like a hesitation cut made by a person afraid of his first kill. (Please forgive the serial killer analogy!) Since then, I have been trying to use the word with more care. I observed I have a habit of using it like a written "uh." Do you feel a difference when I remove the "just?"

Yours:

"That’s the slippery slope, to me. My morals, when they went, flew off like kite too loosely held. They just got ripped away."

Mine:

That’s the slippery slope, to me. My morals, when they went, flew off like a kite too loosely held. They got ripped away.

I also added the article "a" - I think it was a small typo.

I like the short, staccato style sentences you use to reveal that your character killed someone. They have a dramatic flair, couched between longer, more complex sentences.

"I didn’t kill Carly. Not entirely. She helped; started it really. I didn’t have a choice."

The cat analogy is a perfect vehicle to describe the moral quandary your main character faced. The imagery is horrific, and many people can relate on some level. This section is filled with horror and dread, as I believe you intend. I suggest re-working it a bit to tighten up the writing, using the "less is more" philosophy. I encourage you to resist typical phrases, even if they are common to the everyday spoken language style your character uses.

Example:

"Let’s say you run over a cat on the road and break his back, so that half of him is dragging behind, just useless baggage really, while the front keeps going, or trying to anyway. What do you do? It happened to me once; some lady in front of me ran right over the poor thing. She didn’t try to, slammed on her brakes so fast that I nearly ran into her. But she did it, nonetheless. Intentions don’t mean anything in this life, if you ask me, and this pretty much proves it in my book. Anyway, this poor lady jumps out of her car, hysterical you know, and is just screaming and sobbing and throwing a fit. “Oh my God, Oh my God, what did I do?†Over and over again, like saying it enough would solicit an answer."


Let’s say you run over a cat and break his back. Half of him is dragging behind like useless baggage while the front tries to keep going. What do you do? It happened to me once. Some lady ran right over the poor thing. I almost hit her when she slammed on her brakes to avoid it. But she hit it. Intentions don’t mean anything in this life, if you ask me. Anyway, this poor lady jumps out of her car, hysterical. She's screaming and sobbing - throwing a a real fit. “Oh my God, Oh my God, what did I do?†Over and over again, like saying it enough would solicit an answer.

The first sentence is a run-on that needs to be broken apart to emphasize the individual thoughts. The phrase "in my book" confused me on the first read through. I thought he was referring to an actual book. Could be just me, given the context of being on WDC, but I think it is an over-used idiom.

“We have to kill him,â€I said, as gently as I could. This sentence gave me chills. The contrast between "kill" and "gently" got my attention. “We can’t let him suffer,†I added, hoping that would clarify it for her. This sentence made me feel so sorry for him. He is stuck in a horrible situation trying to help this cat and this lady, knowing that no one is looking out for him.

I assume you are a baseball fan. I don't think anyone with only a passing interest in the game knows this much detail. I like the analogy, and it is in keeping with feeling that this man is more typical and average than we, the readers, might like to believe. He could be any one us. I got lost in the detail. Admittedly, I am not a fan, but I believe only the most hard-core baseball fan would not lose you. Despite not knowing the full definition of "pitcher of record," your usage gave me a good indication and it reads well. I believe you could skip the next paragraph and get right to the real story your character is trying to tell.

In the next paragraph, you bring us to the heart of the story. It is a gut wrenching place to be. There are some great visuals, like his wife laying on the bed with foam coming out of her mouth "like she was a can of beer that had been shaken up." This is a good, realistic simile for this character. I encourage you to limit the baseball references here, as well. A smattering is good.

Your character is in a dark, hopeless place we all pray we will never be. There is a lot of cynicism and resignation in his dialogue, which you would expect to find. Some sentences that stood out to me as creative were:

"Carly and I both went to the doctor for depression, and both of us got pills for it, but Carly put hers – and mine – to better use."

"...just spend an eternity suffering for the sin of not being able to take an eternity and a half of suffering here."

The ending brings us full-circle. You did a nice job of taking us on the roller coaster with you. When we got strapped in beside you, you told us about kites and morals. As we climbed that first hill, you told us a story about a cat and we started to regret getting on this ride with you. Each twist and turn was worse than the one before. The final plummet had us losing our lunch with the vision of you holding that pillow over your wife's face. As we roll back to where it all began, we leave you, thinking again about kites, regrets, what we would do for someone we loved so much, and hope.

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*BurstV*I really liked this story. Thanks for the opportunity to read your work.*BurstV*

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5
5
Review by AbbyReed
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, Kenny .


I just finished reading "In Silence We Fight"  and I would like to offer you these comments.


Observations:

I really like the subject. It was interesting to gain insight into the thoughts of two men who oppose one another on the battlefield. This is an experience that is only an imagined concept to the many of us who have never taken up a sword (or a gun) and stood face to face with an opponent, ready to die. I also believe that for those who have experienced this, the thoughts they have remain private. It is understood between warriors that much is shared between brothers in battle, but these thoughts will die with you. You capture that essence nicely in your closing when each man leaves thinking the same thought: I hope you have a good life.

I like how you depict the process that each character goes through. Each person's thoughts move quickly, as I think they would at that moment. Each is assessing the other's movements and expressions, trying to gauge strength, skill and weakness. Each person has a similar process, yet each is unique. The first reads a bit more frantic. I see him as the younger, less experienced opponent. The second, is more deliberate and calculating. I see him as older. He has done this many more times and he grows weary of the fight. In what can be his final moments, he sees his life as "pathetic" and questions anyone's right to take another's life. I see this as the result of having taken many lives.

There were some phrases that I especially liked. For example, Warriors have no fences in their fighting; everywhere is fair game.. I love how you capture the frenzy of movement that comes with a fight with eloquence. It reads like poetry.

Another phrase I liked very much was: They are more inside of the others head than there are in their own. I could see each man studying the other closely, eyes locked as tight as swords.

A third phrase I really liked was more toward the beginning: Never be so proud that you forget that you are not perfect as well. So true, in all aspects of life.

The outcome is my favorite part. I think this tale holds a larger lesson for the world. If two individual warriors in a single conflict can choose to walk away, not to live to fight another day, but to fight no more, then we can all do the same. I love how your character realizes that he is not qualified to make the ultimate judgement to take another's life, even in defense of his own. His mercy is not just for this one man, but all men.

Suggestions:

I can tell that your emphasis is on the thoughts of these two characters and you do not want to detract from that central point. I suggest that a little scene building will only enhance the struggle of each character. I know from reading further along that they are on a beach because of The sound of the iron of the sword clashing together harmonizes with the waves crashing besides them. Perhaps you could incorporate some detail about where this battle takes place in the opening internal dialogue? For example, how does the sand feel beneath their feet? Is the ocean spray getting in their eyes, making it hard to see? Is the sound of the waves deafening, or is the ocean eerily calm?

There are some missing words, or mistaken words in places. It makes it a bit awkward. A crucial word missing can make a big difference in how the scene is understood. For example, in the first paragraph, your character says "I can make one mistake." I believe he is really saying that he cannot make a mistake. That seems to make more sense for his state of mind.

There are some punctuation mistakes. Many of their thoughts appear to be questions, but are punctuated with a period. Question marks would clarify.

I see this piece as a great rough draft with so much potential. It deserves to be polished to perfection. It stands alone very nicely, yet it feels like a part of a much larger work. I would be curious to see where your imagination takes you with that.


*BurstV*I encourage you to keep writing and sharing.*BurstV*

*BurstV*Thanks for the opportunity to read your work.*BurstV*

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6
6
Review by AbbyReed
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, kasper2013
I just finished reading "A Loss of Innocence"  and I would like to offer you these comments.

Observations:

First, let me say that I was moved by your bravery to tell this story. It was obvious that this event left a deep impression on the young girl you used to be. Aside from your bravery - through this event, living with the consequences, and telling the story - I was impressed by your willingness to examine it and learn from it. I have learned that so many of us have stories like this. What distinguishes us is what we do with them. Life holds painful lessons. I have every confidence that you will learn your lessons, move on and create the life that you want.

Now, about the writing itself...

I really liked how the long, dark road with woods on either side commands your attention from the beginning. It is clear that it was the actual setting, but it had an analogous effect. As I read, I could see the darkness and hear the sounds. You did a nice job of creating a feeling of suspense and fear right from the beginning. It drew on the old traditions of fairy tales like "Little Red Riding Hood." That is a classic tale for a reason.

The story flows nicely, like a river, from one event to the next. Sometimes when people write about an actual event that is charged with emotion, the narration jumps around in time. You kept me going along with you, and gave enough detail at each point so that I could see it play out before me.

You did a very nice job of creating tension and foreshadowing in the beginning of your tale. Telling us that you were about to meet a "boogie man" of your own, or your failure to see the "red flags." Many writers work so hard to surprise their readers that they fail to give them a few crumbs along the way to keep them interested. Some may feel they are giving too much away at the beginning that it will detract from the end. You did a nice job of giving just enough to keep me interested.

Suggestions:

At first observation, there are some capitalization and punctuation mistakes. I always expect these when I am first writing a story. I have learned to focus on getting the story onto the page and edit later. Go back through and trade the "i" for "I". I counted several. Also, fix your spacing after the period. It helps to create the even white spaces between sentences that make the text easy to read.

You need some commas. For example: Looking back on it all now, I realize this man was a predator.

In some places, you could trade the comma for separating the phrases into separate sentences. For example: At that age we didn't see the red flags in that. We were happy to not be walking any longer.

The final paragraph contains several different topics that could be separated into their own paragraphs and detail added - the discovery by the police and your observations years later.

This is a wonder first draft of an event that deserves to be told. There is so much wonderful stuff here to work with. I encourage you to go over this tale several times to perfect it. Let me know when you do. I would love to read it again.

*BurstV*I encourage you to keep writing and sharing.*BurstV*

*BurstV*Thanks for the opportunity to read your work.*BurstV*

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7
7
Review of Grianan  
Review by AbbyReed
Rated: E | (3.0)
It is obvious that this place holds a special meaning for you. I could see two young people, braving the elements, to make the journey to this place to pay their respects to all those that had come before them. It is a beautiful piece.

Poetry is tough to critique because it is so personal. To me, it is much more intimate than a story or an essay.

I believe word choice is critical in poetry. A picture is being painted with a minimum of words. I suggest looking at each line with an eye toward using the most descriptive language you can. For example, the first line uses "darkened" to describe the word grey. Perhaps something that better conveys the shade you see in your mind to the reader? Is it a slate grey? Is the sky metallic? Is it the dark, smoky color of a grey wolf?

Try to avoid cliche phrases like "time stood still" or "stirred within our souls." These are wonderful words to help us get the initial event out of our minds and hearts and onto the page. Don't stop there. Your experience was not common, do not use common words.

I hope you find this helpful. Please keep sharing your work.

Abby Reed
8
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Review by AbbyReed
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like this. The beginning has a nice hook that draws in the reader. We have all been told to act our age at one point or another...the contrast against the age of 120 years worked to get me interested in what might come next. I found myself imaging a very old man running through the house. I am 45 myself and know how my body can protest when I chase little ones...I wondered what his secret must be to remain so spry. I believe that a good piece of writing has the reader searching their own experiences to relate or understand.

I found my mind running possible scenarios as I read on: the years aren't earth years; these are dogs not humans; this is a reality where people age in reverse... When I got to the end, I smiled a genuine smile...you got me! I did not guess this possibility. Good job. Creative.

I found myself getting a little lost in all the names and relationships. I know they are essential to the story. I wonder if there is a better way to work in the relationships and names. For example, the second paragraph outlines the names of the great grandchildren, but it reads like a list that falls out of my head by the time I get to the next paragraph. It isn't anchored to anything. Perhaps, adding the name and the relationship in the same thought as the statement about playing. Something like: Well, just yesterday, I guess, I was chasing my great grandson, Marty, around the house. He was running and jumping on furniture as I pursued him. I guess it was too much for Marcus. He came in and yelled at us. "Grandpa! Do I really need to call Mom? Why can't you just act your age?" I love Georgia, but she can be so...just an idea.

I like the creativity and perspective. Keep up the good work.
9
9
Review by AbbyReed
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked this in large part because I can relate. Not the geek part - you lost me there, but the sleepless night spent foraging for SOMETHING that will occupy your mind or put you to sleep strikes a deep chord. I too often have this problem.

You paint a nice picture. I can see you going from room to room, your stocking feet sliding across the bare floor, not making a sound. Might I suggest using a few less adverbs? IMHO, 'suddenly' is over-used. It has become a common transition from one thought into the next, but it is rare that the description is accurate. We all know from third grade science that the sun does not suddenly rise. It is a predictable event that has occurred for billions of years that can be pinpointed with precision. Perhaps your attention being drawn toward the sight was sudden? I only point it out because someone once did the same for me, and I became most grateful. When I read my old work, I wince at the number of finallys, suddenlys, ususallys and rarelys I relied on to make my point. Adverbs are a lot like salt: they should be used sparingly. :)


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10
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Review of You and I  
Review by AbbyReed
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like where this is going...perhaps find a way to bring it around to how you are both the same...the differences are only on the surface? Or how these differences make what you have all that more special. It is very sweet. I really like the short, simple words that are contrast to each other: warm, cold, new, old...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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