First, the comma in the sencond stanza "Not old, all" is awkward. Particularly so, because the clause it separates is "all or sick". Maybe it's just a typo, but if not then I don't get the significance of splitting the construction up syntactically in that way: "Not old, all or sick."
Okay, now that that's out of the way, I just want to say that I really felt this when I read it. I had a year, starting around two years ago now, where I was attending funerals every other week. And all this as my wife was breaking up with me and keeping me from seeing my daughter. And I still had to maintain my composure and even be the person for others to lean on. Inside, however, I was utterly falling apart and it seemed like nobody at the time understood, or really cared all that much. Perhaps they did, and it was just my warped perception from mental anguish. In any case, this poem is what it was like. And I found it truly validating. Thank you.
Okay, it's not exactly Faulkner, but I'm giving it 4 stars, becuase it did it's job: I laughed. Also, stylistically it reminds a little of Zhuangzi, which I have a soft spot for. Nice work!
Wow, this is great! I actually have no criticism, constructive or otherwise. I could go through a long list of praise to be honest, but I'll just keep it short and say, stylistically it's great, entertains with every word. I can tell you are exceptionally careful with your word choice and construction, because intention is evident at every level of compositionality in this, and it really comes through. You have a gift for conveying a lot of information with few words, and revealing detail very naturally, without sign-posting or synopsizing. You just unravel it like a dangling string, then before you know it, the whole sweater is unwoven, and there's pile of yarn lying there on the floor. You never said, "Hey, I'm going to pull this sweater apart." Anything that seems so effortless as this does must have been labored doubly; first, the normal amount it takes to generate content, then second, an equal amount to erradicate any sign of how much work it was, to make it seem as though it was done with the greatest of ease. I only know that from music, but one day I hope to be able to write as well as you!
I like the imagery. It took you all of eight sentences to make me depressed. The juxtaposition and interplay between light and dark both thamatically and in mood is excellently crafted, though it's a bit like taking a ride through the psyche of a borderline going through mood swings. Nice work!
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