Hi Eogin . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around !

After reading "The Contractor"  that I found on the Review Requests page, I have the following comments to offer. Please note that these are my personal reactions and observations. I acknowledge that this is your story and you should remain true to it.

Overall Impression:

         You have asked for my comments in relation to this being a contest entry. Firstly, I wish you all the best in that.
         I enjoyed the story as it is one of my favorite genres and therefore the images you were creating were familiar to me.

Characters:

         Your two main characters, Maya and ?? (I do not see who your other main character is) are well defined and it was easy for me to picture both of them. The dialogue that you used was consistent with the characters. Well done.

Plot:

         From my understanding, the plot was one of post-apocalyptic Earth where there is a cleanup crew intent on getting away from this job. Evidently, he succeeds and is awarded a new posting.
         I was a little hard-pressed to identify the key climactic point of the story, although I would assume that it is where he receives notification that he is going to a new, better location.

Description:

         Your descriptions in the story are succinct and to the point. That is well done as you are able to keep the story moving forward throughout. Well done.

Title, Description, Beginning, and End:

         The title to your story is fitting and I was able to reference it a couple of times through reading the story to understand the underlying premise of your story. Also, the title is nice and short that makes it memorable.
         The description of your story probably could do with a bit of a rewrite. Even though this is a contest entry, I think that we probably need to look at using this space to entice readers to read the story. Sort of like an elevator pitch for the story. It will also probably give you an opportunity to set some of the scene for the reader prior to them reading the story.
         I also wonder whether the first two paragraphs are really the true start of your story, or is it when your main character comes out onto the roof. I know it is important to ensure that the setting is properly detailed, but this could have been incorporated into the narrative later on. Questions I would be asking is why the roof and not the ground?
         Your ending certainly concluded the story on a positive note and I am assuming the reference there was to Star Trek.

         Finally, I would like to say that I enjoyed this story and appreciate that you have given me the opportunity to provide my opinion on it. However, remember that it is your story and I would encourage you to keep going. All the best for the contest.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around

Hi JessCarsen . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "My Aunt is Bonkers"  that I found on the Reviewing page, I have the following comments to offer. lease note that these are my personal impressions.

Overall Impression:

As a personal story directed to your diary, I found the narrator's voice strong and clear. You were also able to demonstrate some strong non-verbal feelings through the story that added to the suspense of the story.

Suggestions:

My only recommendation would be to have a look at the words you are using. I wonder whether you could engender more sympathy from the reader through word choice,

could be rewritten as:


What I Like:

I enjoyed the brevity of the story and the way you were able to get to the climax of the story without sacrificing narrative.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around

Hi J.N. Moore . This is a review from abcoachnz-Sometimes around ! After reading "Colours of Space"  that I discovered on the search pages, I have the following comments to offer:

Overall Impression:
         The language used throughout this piece was hard to comprehend and this slowed me down. I understand that the effect was to utilize the voice of academic, medical practitioners. However, I needed to pause and focus on each word separately in order to understand the piece, detracting from the potential enjoyment of, what was effectively a horror story in the flavor of Frankenstein.
         There were some places where I enjoyed the humor that had been created, complimented by the use of the language. This humor was, I believe, subtle and used to quite nice effect in places.

Suggestions:
         My main suggestion here would be to work on developing a smoother flow to the narrative. The reliance on long words and academic-speak resulted, for me, in a narrative that I found hard to follow.
         I wonder whether these are his personal journal entries or whether it is meant to be a scientific repository of observations. If the former, then I would like to see more of his personal feelings coming through in the form of natural language. If the latter, then I would not expect the descriptions that were used (eg. lie, on that flat, surgical-cold table)

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
         In general, I found the punctuation and grammar to be reasonable, even though I do not profess to be particularly knowledgeable in this area. There were some parts where I was not sure of whether it was your deliberate action to create the images or whether there was a break in the grammar rules, but I have highlighted some of them as follows:
Once embalmed with the essence of her stillborn life, my darling Patricia will once more stay in the company of her once warm breath.
Propped up against the surgical table, Patricia was now next to as alive as she would ever be
My body fell back and onto the floor in amazement.

Conclusion:
         I certainly found this story interesting and was eager to read through to the end to see what would transpire. I certainly commend you with the effort that you made in creating this story and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

         Please note that these are my personal views and you are free to accept or not any of the observations made.

abcoachnz-Sometimes around

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