Packed with emotion. I will need to re-read this multiple times to harvest all it says. Important lines:
"The mercurial grease fire of her eyes" - suggests a fire hard to put out (grease) yet mercurial (fleeting). Very interesting paradox.
"Like my child I miss her" - a fleeting suggestion that a child has been lost/abandoned, as the cat was. I'd like to see this developed more in the poem. Was there a child?
How you describe the streets in contrast to the trees is very powerful.
Streets: black as tar,chunks, shattered glints of glass,grease spotted, worn thin
The juxtiposition of ugly streets/nature's beauty naturally leads to the conclusion of the poem:
"What I miss most are the trees"
It is a haunting suggestion that the poem's speaker has left behind no relationships of importance, just the memory of beauty represented by the trees (perhaps hope for something different/better in another place?)
I don't have any suggestions for change. I really liked this poem.
The Last Battle....I love the Narnia tales! This is nicely written, with a consistent rhyme/near rhyme scheme. Some of the rhythm seems a little bit off.
There, He's ever dwelling
In unapproachable light,
In full view and yet still,
He's just beyond our sight.
Unapproachable is too long by a syllable for the line. Consider using a different word.
No spelling errors--I would perhaps use a comma at the end of the first line, rather than a period. It would help the poem to flow better, I think.
THanks for sharing your work! Keep writing.
Lizzy Bell
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Well written, good flow, rhythm and rhyme scheme, with few exceptions.
I particularly like the line:
"Born to die and rise again to give our souls worth"
It starts with a well known Christian phrase and ends with a unique phrase. Very nice.
Possible correction:
"Though no one perfect" -- no ones perfect
Excellent. You are right--this is a "good" one. I like the repetition of first and last stanzas. The body of the poem with words loosely tied together suggests the lack of community referred to in the first stanza. I particularly like the idea, "loose foundation" --it suggests rolling rocks or shifting sand, yet without being cliche.
Incredible imagery -- "two tollgates" -- It is a graphic reminder of the critical nature of decisions that may have a permanent result. I first read this poem as a statement regarding the "choice" of suicide, but after further readings, I think the imagery applies to the broader idea of making wise/unwise choices.
Interesting work. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
Definately a late-night shiver! You have established a good rhythm and flow in this poem. The 3 word repetitions emphasize the gothic-flavor of the words. You might consider repeating one word in the 3rd stanza, which is the only one without (other than the 1st and last). The word "however" in the 2nd stanza seems unnecessary to me and could be left out without damaging the contrast with the 1st stanza. I think there is a typo in the 6th stanza, where you have "with burns" --I think you intended "which burns." Overall, a good read.
Interesting imagery. I particularly like "not..to pilfer your soul from your body" which emphasizes the idea that death does not rob us of life. One suggestion: consider removing the word "however" from the 4th line.
A bit cliche, using "Love is a beautiful thing" though perhaps that is your intent. You tell the reader what love can do, but you don't show us, which distances the emotion from the reader.
This image is familiar but you personalize it with your use of enjambment:
"They tear your heart out and devour it for dinner
But that’s after they step on it a few times
And leave it there bleeding
For all to see"
Work to create images less cliche. This shows promise. Keep writing!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 4:56am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
