First, I realize this poem is a few years old by now. However, it gave me goosebumps, and when that happens, I usually feel the need to acknowledge that. You have a real mastery of the language. I also really felt this poem, because I have many veterans in my family, several of which who have made suicide attempts or have been otherwise deeply affected by the wars in which they have fought. I had a great uncle who fought in Vietnam as a helicopter gunner, and he was hit in the chest by a piece of shrapnel. Luckily, he was wearing a flak vest, but when he got back to the states he repeatedly told my family that he wished it would have killed him. You beautifully capture this feeling in the poem, and I commend you for that. It is not an easy thing to accomplish.
Wow, very tricky, very clever. It took me two times reading through to form a guess, although I had a few things churning around in my mind all the time. This reminds me of the riddle scene in "The Hobbit", although this is a bit more lengthy than any of those riddles. Still, very trick(s)y.
What a lovely little piece of nonsense poetry! It doesn't have much of a rhyme scheme, but that isn't important in this format. I must admit, I was excited to find someone else who appreciates the art of the bizarre, because that constitutes most of what I write and read.
Do you ever read bizzarro fiction? The works of Sam Pink or Carlton Mellik III at appeal to you, if you don't mind a bit of nightmare imagery every now and again.
I know this is a few years old now, but I found it on "read and review" and just wanted to let you know that this is one of the most beautiful poems I've read on this site. It terms of meter and flow, it is flawless, and it calls to mind a sort of rhythmic chant. Actually, the first thing I thought while reading this was "This has a place in the Dead Poet's Society."
Overall, absolutely beautiful, bravo, bravo!
I love this little piece. Your imagery is beautiful, and I can perfectly envision the scene that you are trying to convey. Actually, it reminds me of my home town- especially the part about the shoe. For a long time, a pair of shoes hung by their laces on the power lines outside my best friend's house. I love your description of the woman as well; I almost feel like I know her.
Now, what would my review be if I didn't make some recommendations?
First of all, your sentences are very descriptive, but many of them are very short, and you break up a relatively small block of text into something like ten sentences. As it stands, it reads almost like a free-verse poem, and could be arranged like one with a little modification. I would suggest, though, to make it more cohesive, to blend some of those short little sentences together into longer, more detailed ones.
For example: "Wisps of her auburn hair hung down her back, having escaped her up-do."
That's just a suggestion, though.
Also, I don't mean to nit-pick, but it's avant-garde, not avant-gaurd.
I found this poem on Read and Review, and I really like it. Tonally, it's really solid and foreboding. It almost sounds like some kind of Native American proverb- sort of a chant. Only one thing really bothers me about this: it should be breath, not breathe. Or maybe that was on purpose, in which case I would have to advise against using that because it really is awkward. Other than that, I really like the end of the poem, which seals everything off nicely.
What a weird goddamn story. I can't help but like it, as much as I try not to. I felt like I was reading the script to a sort of B-rate Christmas movie, what with all the semi-juvenile banter that goes on. Just because the premise seems completely out of left field doesn't mean I can't appreciate your writing, though, which is smooth and free-flowing. It is choppy in places, but it doesn't go against the story, it works with it tonally to make it an overall better piece.
Initially I was going to nitpick little grammatical things that sounded wrong to me, but really, I don't think this story would benefit from that. It is appreciably zany, ridiculous, and I enjoyed it plenty.
I thought this story was really charming. It felt sort of like if The Wizard of Oz took place in the airspace over WDC, which is something I never would have considered but that I'm glad you had the insight to do. Your imagery is very clear, which is great as well.
I think the only complaint I would have about this piece is that the large paragraphs in the middle where you quickly describe several places are a little unwieldy if you have eyes like mine that glaze over when looking at a thick block of text. I'm not sure how to fix this- perhaps a rapidfire list?
Anyway, great job, this is more than deserving of five stars :)
Reads like a rap song, feels like a rap song. I don't normally like rap music, but you've pulled me in and for that I commend you. There is a lot to relate to here, for me, and for a lot of others as well. I had never thought of a dark take to this classic tale before and I admire that creativity. The only thing I would change about this is the ending. It flows so well and it breaks off entirely in a sort of drop-the-mic sort of way that I'm not sure is appropriate. I mean, it works, it just feels off to me. That's just me being nit-picky though.
Very nice job, five stars.
This is great! I don't review, or even read, many poems, because I'm never sure how to judge abstract interpretations. This, though, is whimsical and fun, and tells a very nice story. It takes me back to my sixth-grade English class, which I think is why I like it so much. The rhyme scheme hardly falters at all, which I think is kind of hard to do in poetry.
Overall, lovely piece. Keep up the good work!
I really like this; it's deep, it's thoughtful, and it really flows well. My only issue with this is that Anubis is reasonably formal throughout, but when he says "Shoot," when Theo says she wants to tell a story it seems like a break in tone. Also, "Yeah, I know," At the very end seems... off to me. Yeah seems too casual to me, like he's unsympathetic. I think it would be just fine if he said "I know." And it ended there. That might be just me, though. Otherwise, this is great. It lets you peer into a world without explicitly setting a scene in the beginning, and I really like that as well.
First, I must say, I adore the idea behind this piece. The concept is striking, and so is the imagery used to convey it.
You do a very nice job of describing the scene, the thoughts of the narrator, and the emotional pain they experience.
It really makes one analyze oneself, and if that was your goal, you certainly achieved it.
My only complaint is the idea suffers from being rushed. I normally like concisely written pieces, but in a way, this feels like it needs a bit more buildup.
Hello, I found this using the random review tool. I like this, it's clever, I like the rhythm and overall feel of this. You spelled lightning wrong, but that's alright. You should probably fix that. Otherwise, nice job, I wish I was a good poet like you!
The combo of an acrostic poem and a rhyming poem is very nice, good luck in your writing!
Wow, this is great. Obviously it's sad. I mean, they did destroy the world after all. Still, this is well written, flows nicely, and packs a large idea into a small space. Large meaning that it just swallowed earth. Anyway, very nice work, good luck on your future endeavors.
ParadoX
I really like the way the imagery in this is so vivid. It really adds to the creepy feel. The fact that the main character saw the shadowy figure and no one else did adds that sense of wonder. Is it all in her imagination? Could it be real? I love the sense of mystery.
One little thing I did find though, When you said 'When Harold continue his story about the witch' did you mean to say continues?
Thats all I have to say. Overall, good work.
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