A compelling story. The descriptions and characterizations were first rate and really pulled me into the story; I felt as though I was there. You had to have lived in the described environs, or thoroughly researched them to have incorporated so much detail. I really liked the use of selfishness in a mirrored way. It added impact to the ending of the story
I liked the story, sad as it was, and I liked the poem even more. You did a fine job of describing your emotions in many different ways; I could feel your heartfelt frustration. I hope this endears your children to you as never before. My only suggestions are trivial but you may want to make corrections. In the the poem's paragraph beginning with "every child's face," I would simply write "in the toy department," or "into the toy department." In the closing paragraph of your letter "your older" should be "you're older."
This is a well written piece. I hope that it affects your children in such a way that they will return your affection many times over.
This was so well written that I thought I was there with you on thrashing day. I was raised on a farm in Nebraska and we had neighbors who cooperated to help one another in their time of need. We raised corn, and before combines were in use we stored ears of corn in cribs until shelling day, which was a big event. My father became too ill to harvest his crops the last year he farmed and neighbors brought their machinery and did it for him. Your story brought back a lot of memories of those people and those times. I really enjoyed reading it.
Very thought provoking. Bonding at a young age is meant to last forever, and it usually does. I can relate to the friendship described here but I have never lost a young friend. I especially liked the one word sentence "Together" and the last two lines. Funny, but I recently criticized the use of a one word sentence, but I later agreed that it provided the desired emphasis. Someday I might learn to write poetry. Good job! - - Brian G
Wow, what a tear jerker! I am wondering what triggered this story. You did a fine job of detailing each character's appearance and personality. The abrupt ending was terrific. My only suggestion concerns the one word sentence, "Loved" I know you want to emphasize the word/feeling, but it stopped me for a second. Maybe it could read, "It's wrinkled, dog-eared and LOVED." But, I may be the only reviewer who thinks that way. - - Brian G
This is a very well written story. It kept my attention throughout. At times, especially near the end, I lost my way, a bit confused by the complexity of the story line. But, that is probably just my shortcoming, due to my age. Grammatically I thought it was excellent. Format wise, it should have had indented paragraphs throughout. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph . I have found that my indentions don't always carry over when I paste in my story. When that happens I edit it by adding the word "indent," bracketed with { }, at the beginning of each paragraph.
Good grief! I would have looked for a rope to hang myself somewhere during that scenario. I was hoping, right to the last minute, that Ms. Taylor would have found a rattlesnake in the apartment and forgiven you... oh well. It was quite an intriguing story.
However, you should have indented the first line of each paragraph. Also, you used a period rather than a comma in several instances where dialog was in use, and then capitalized the first word of the continuing dialog. For instance, “Here you go,” she said. “Number one-eleven. Bring them right back and don’t leave anything inside.” There should have been a comma after the word "said," and the word "Number" should not have been capitalized. See: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialog...
You did a fine job of describing each scene and what emotions you were dealing with. All in all I really liked it.
Wow! I was a nervous wreck when the mummy got damaged, and it got scarier after that. You certainly had my attention. I guess there was no way out of that situation so you went even deeper into the drama. It was riveting!
That was a nice tribute to your Air Force friends. I would have liked it better if you had used "their" rather than "there" in the second line, and "bird's" rather than "birds" in the sixth line. A little punctuation, at least commas, at the end of the fourth and eighth lines, might have made it read better for me.
I thought it was sweet, and it aroused my emotions. Good job.
You were able to convey the feelings of abandonment and the resulting depression with this piece. I am not a poet so don't know how to judge a poem if this is what you were writing. There were many places that I thought a word was missing or a space was added for no reason. The title has a format error, that definitely needs to be corrected so that it looks right in print. Let me make a suggestion for the first line, "You suddenly entered my life then left it like a." In the fifth line," im" is not a word, use "I'm." In the sixth line, capitalize the letter "i." In the eighth line, I suggest, "Everyone is blaming me." In the ninth line, "I am like a shattered glass." In the eleventh line, there is no such word as "guilotiny." In the thirteenth line, "may be" should be "maybe." In line sixteen, "god" should be "God." I am not sure what you had in mind when you placed the last two lines in quotation marks, or why you didn't capitalize the word "cause."
You stirred my emotions and made me feel your pain. That is good. Keep writing.
A first I grinned, then I chuckled to myself, and by the time I reached the end you had me laughing out loud. You have a great writing style but I couldn't give you a perfect score because you didn't make me cry as well. - - Brian G
That was funny. If that was autobiographical that Fudge Monster has really messed you up. Ha! I kept changing my mind on what gender the main character was; it kept me thinking. What an imagination! You might want to do a spell check, otherwise it read well. - - Brian G
We have all experienced the salesperson at the door, but you had a special one this time. I like your humor and the way you described the lady's demeanor and the fact that she never understood that you were the responsible person at the residence. Based on the style of your writing I feel like you must be from Australia or Great Britain. There was a typing error that you will want to clean up; the word "since" was used back to back in one sentence - - Brian.
A spellbinding story, morbid, dramatic and deep. The descriptions of the scene, the weapons and the injuries were especially good. It made me feel as though I was there. Good job!
A captivating story, with the characters well described. I have known people who fit a couple of your characterizations. I think the second line would read better if the second "which" were "and." But, that is nitpicking. In the third line I think "myself and Tom" would be better said as "Tom and I." All-in-all it is a very good story. - - Brian
VERY GOOD! Your description of the old man was captivating. I have never smoked a pipe but now I know what it is like to prepare and light one. The ending was a bit eerie, chilling yet comforting. I will challenge myself to write something this moving. - - Brian
I am so glad that I don't have OCD. I have enough traits that take away from a carefree day. If this piece is not a huge stretch of your imagination I wonder how a person could hold a job, and be productive. I gave it a 4.0 grade, which I consider a very good rating, mainly because it stirred my emotions. - - Brian
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/53morris
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 2:12pm on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
