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Review of The Prince  Open in new Window.
Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Novel Review Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Title: "The PrinceOpen in new Window.

Chapter: "Damien I: Chapter 1 (Revised)Open in new Window.

Author: RedMage Author IconMail Icon


Plot: For me this started out reeally slow. The introduction of the city was too much for me and I couldn't focus on it, it was especially difficult because there was no POV to see through. However, once we got to the characters the story really picked up speed and you had my full attention and I wasn't ready for the story to end when it did. So you made me want to read on, which is great, but the time it took me to get into the story could turn some reader off.

Scene/Setting: You certainly established the cold. Though again, maybe a little too much. But I think you are real good at description and once the boys got into the house there was a perfect amount. *Wink*

Style/Voice: I know I keep coming back to this, but the first few chapters were a little rough for me but after that everything was great. In the beginning I think it was because there was no clear POV and when we finally started to get into the POV I thought it was the 'onlooker' but then I realized that there wasn't an onlooker and the POV was going to the four boys.

Characters:I really liked the characters though two of them didn't really get any description. I'm interested to get to know them better and see what happened to the two boys that were left in the house. Did they get out?

Grammar: There were a few senetences I suggested you cut or change; overall good.

Overall: I'm intrigued! You ended with a nice hook and pulled me in with action. Nice work! *Bigsmile*

Hugs,
Grace *Heart*

Line-by-Line:

NOTE: Comments in blue, grammar edits in green, lines I want to bring to your attention in red, and misspellings/unnecessary words/lines x'd out.

Chapter 1



Bells rang all across the city tolling the hour. Snow falling (Maybe ‘fell‘ here? The sentence doesn‘t really sound right.), gas street lamps lit white islands of safety and security on every corner of Miller’s Road. The snow gleaming gleamed (to make a full sentence) with the light, the very air seemed aglow with it.

To the a (’the’ makes it sound like you’re speaking of a particular person.) outsider, the city of Avalla at midnight looked to be one in the middle of a deep, brutal winter. Snow everywhere, it lay more than a foot high on the roads while piling in mountainous drifts against the buildings. Long icicles hanging from every inch of eaves some were as long as swords. During the day the city’s inhabitants went quickly about their business, rushing from one warm building to the next. They did not go too quickly (You may want to revise this. Saying that they moved quickly yet slowly in two different sentences makes the reader go ’What?’. Try combining the two sentences?: ‘During the day the city’s inhabitants, weighed down by heavy clothing, hurried about their business . . .‘) though, as they were all wrapped in clothes of heavy wool and soft goose down and were rather accustomed to this kind of weather. For this night was not one of deepest, darkest winter but, rather, only one of mid-autumn.

A small kingdom lying in the far north of the world, Avalla was used to winter. It knew winter. That which others called winter—months of cold, incessant rains or snow that fell in flurries or even blizzards that might last for days, that was what Avallans called early spring. Their winters, here in the north, annually froze the waters of their harbor solid for five months out of the year and blizzards that lasted over a month were not uncommon. Living in such a place for long ages, the people here know how about winter. (There’s something wrong with this sentence but since you already said basically the same thing in the second sentence I would delete it.) They know how to survive it, how to live in it.

Still, to an outsider walking along Miller’s Road in the city’s northernmost district of Green Boughs—which was named for its quantity of factories and similar industries and not at all for the color of its trees, it was still difficult to comprehend all of this. How a people could live here, let alone achieve the quality of life that allowed for kings and princes, merchants and bankers, doctors and laborers…it was quite astonishing indeed. However, Avallans were an industrious, highly creative people: the secrets of chemistry and science were known to them, and they had achieved the means of heating their homes and businesses many years before. Survival was not something they had to struggle for. Not many of them, anyways. Still, the outsider would be quite astonished at everything he saw in the city.(Ending sentence sounds a lot like the beginning sentence.)

One thing he would be surprised to see while on his midnight walk would be the appearance of another human being. A good sized city, Avalla housed many thousands of people. During the day crowds were always present on the city’s major thoroughfares, of which Millers’ Road was one. But midnight was a different story. At midnight one might expect to see the occasional party of guards pass down the street, waving their arms and jogging slowly but vigorously in their light armor and heavy cloaks, but not anyone else. And should someone else be found, they would be someone to be feared. A murderer, an assassin, a thief or some other criminal, their appearance would strike fear into the hearts(?) of even the hardest of men this late on a cold snowy night.

Therefore, when our supposed (How is he ’supposed’?) outsider witnessed the emergence strange word here, maybe ’appearance’?) of four pairs of eyes across the street from where he (Oh, so this is a person? I definitely didn’t realize this until just now.) was walking swathed with numerous furs and layers of down-padded coats, he would have stopped and quickly taken shelter in some nearby shadow. His eyes wide, he would watch as the eyes turned into faces, the faces into heads and the heads into bodies with arms and legs. (saying ’bodies’ would mean arms and legs I would think. What body doesn’t have arms and legs?) Four of them, they looked this way and that as they slunk into the light of a corner lamppost. Boys, two were of a height as to be fifteen or sixteen while the other pair looked to be several years younger. Huddled beneath the lamppost, they kept their backs bowed and their legs bent, ready to run at the first sign of trouble.(This paragraph is a little confusing. I’m not sure if this is actually happening or if it might be happening.)

They were not far from the Towers here, the boys knew. They could see the western gate of that walled fortress from where they stood beneath the lamp. And they were deep within Green Boughs. And along Miller’s Road, the district’s largest street no less. If anyone were to appear now it would spell disaster for their dark venture.

“Quick, which way?” asked the tallest. Called Sticks, he was tall and gangly. His voice deep like a man’s, it nevertheless carried the half worried, half exhilarated tone of a fifteen-year-old who was about business he knew to be dangerous.

“Follow me,” said Damien. Shorter, he was of average height for his fourteen years of age and his voice held none of the worry of Sticks’. Confidently he straightened up and beckoned to his comrades. The others following, he led them to the thin strip of darkness which occupied the middle of the broad street. Taking to it, they jogged single-file down its narrow breadth.

Damien had spied out this place almost a fortnight ago. Using the excuse of needing to purchase flour for his sick mother from one of the many millers who made the street their home he had taken a walk around the nearby neighborhoods. That was, until a gang of local thieves had caught him in a side street. He was not from the area, he had told them, and had become lost. Roughing him up a little, they the thieves had taken took a modest fee for their trouble and led him back to the main street and pointed him towards home. Damien had found what he was looking for however, and was now leading the others back there. Should all go according to plan tonight’s endeavors would be well worth the bruising he’d received.

Deep brown eyes swiveling from one side of the street to the other, Damien never stopped searching for trouble. Presently they came to the street. Turning, he led them into its shadows. At the end he halted, taking refuge behind a stack of old crates.

“The house is the third on the right, just down there,” he whispered. Listening for a moment, he stepped back into the street and approached the house as quietly as he could. The home of a prosperous merchant, it was surrounded by a ten foot high wall, not unlike those found in that area of the city called the Banks. However, where the houses in the Banks had smooth, flat walls topped with steel or cast iron spikes to deter intruders, this one had no such added precautions. Roughly built, it was easy to scale and in less time than it took to talk about all four of them had dropped into the yard beyond.

Crouching low, they all listened once more. Sticks beside him, he leaned close to Damien and whispered in his ear. “D-Man? Your call.”

No sound had greeted them as they had fallen into the soft snow. No alarm had been raised. And no dogs had begun to bark. That was a good sign.

Pointing to the two smaller boys Damien said, “Chimney, north corner.” The two nodded and dashed away. The night’s cold beginning to seeping into them now they were no longer moving, Damien and Sticks edged closer to one another to wait.

It was several minutes before the house’s rear door was opened. Too large to use the chimney themselves, Sticks and Damien were blowing on their hands and rubbing their chests furiously when they ran inside. Breathing heavily, they listened as the others informed them of the situation.

“Husband and wife, sound asleep in bed,” said the younger of the pair, who was called Feather for his small size. He spoke in a soft voice, barely even a whisper. “House is ours.”

“Good,” said Sticks, his voice just as soft.

“Anyone else we should know about?” asked Damien.

The taller of the younger pair grinned. Two years older than Feather, he possessed a strange twitch in his right cheek. “Yeah, there’s this girl,” he said. “Really pretty. I’d like to get into bed with her.”

Sticks rolled his eyes but smiled nevertheless. Twitch had only recently discovered girls and couldn’t seem to get enough of them. “Maybe later,” he said.

“Aw, Sticks! You never let me have any fun.”

Though very softly, Sticks chuckled despite himself. “That’s my job. Now, come on, we’ve all got work to do.”

Smiling, the leader of their little gang led them all into the house. Working primarily by touch, they followed Sticks as they crept through the pitch black hallways, extending every available sense to aid them in their work. They had done this a hundred times if they had done it once; each of them knew their roles and just how much noise they could make without waking their sleeping marks. One hand on Twitch’s shoulder, Damien followed the others while, single-handedly, he pulled a burlap sack from inside his coat and shook it open. Emerging into what they discovered to be a large room, Sticks pulled several candles from a pocket. The chimney’s fireplace here, he found a still warm coal with which to light them. Passing out the candles, they all got to work relieving the house of its valuables.

Twitch kept looking towards the hall and the staircase they had passed there. “You know,” said Sticks, “if you do really well tonight Twitch, I just might introduce you to some of the ladies down in South Gardens.”

The boy’s eyes widening, Sticks almost betrayed them with a loud laugh. Twitch staring at him he said, “What? You mean it? You’ll really take me!”

“Sure, next time I go,” said the {c;green}(The what?) still laughing Sticks. Their voices low, it was evident to the other two in the room that they were having trouble containing themselves to a bare whisper. “And, if you ask nicely,” Sticks continued, “Damien might even introduce you to that girl of his that he’s always going to see. Won’t you D-Man?”

“I most certainly will not,” said Damien, from his chosen place before a bookshelf. Pulling down a book he flipped its pages briefly before replacing it on the shelf. Then, smiling sadly, he glanced over his shoulder at Twitch. “You wouldn’t like her. She’s ugly and much too old for you.”

With Feather joining in, Sticks again had to stifle his laughter. Twitch scowled. “You guys are no fun. I’m gonna go look in on my princess.” this time accompanied by Feather

“Your princess?” asked Sticks and Damien together. Twitch already disappearing down the hallway, Damien shook his head and went back to perusing the bookshelf. To the boy’s retreating back he heard Sticks whisper, “Be a good little peeping tom now and don’t wake her up!”

Presently they moved out of the room. Sticks going to the parlor and Feather to the sitting room, Damien entered their mark’s study. More books here, he gave them only a cursory glance before proceeding to the desk. Hoping to find a secret panel or some other hidden spot he began to open the drawers one by one.

D-Man, it was the title he’d been given when Sticks had found him, it designated him as the most learned man of their gang. Therefore, anything that did not directly involve picking locks, sneaking into homes and businesses and relieving them of their valuables, was his responsibility. Day Man, it meant. The one who takes care of the daylight affairs of the gang.

There came a noise from the hallway. Rather loud, it sounded to Damien like someone had jumped and landed hard, or maybe been thrown into a wall. Pausing in his work he went to investigate.

A single step into the hall, Damien jumped back as Twitch shot past him. Looking back the way the boy had come he heard that sound all denizens of the night fear.

“Thief! Thief!” roared the master of the house. “You dirty, rotten scoundrel! Thief!

Damien’s eyes widening, he stopped listening and started moving. Running down the hall, he glanced into every door he passed, looking for the others. Upstairs he could hear a girl crying, her father cursing as he stumbled about in the dark. Where were they? Where could Sticks and Feather be? Had they fled already? He knew Twitch had.

Finding the last room to be empty, the one they had started in, he hurried back towards the door they had entered by. It stood open, the house’s heat rushing out while the cold and snow blew in. The mark was on the stairs, his heavy feet booming as he all but leapt down them. Breaking into a run Damien passed the stairs, catching a glimpse of the fat merchant out of the corner of his eye. Tall and heavy, the man looked like he could crush Damien with but a single hand.

Twitch was there, suddenly darting out in front of him. A yell escaping his lips, Damien jumped to the side of the hall just in time. The boy running too, they sprinted for the door.

Outside, across the small yard, up, over the wall, down the street. Go, go, go. Their feet pounded against the hard packed snow and ice. “What the hell did you do?” Damien shouted, coming astride the boy.

“Nothin’! I didn’t do nothin’!”

“Oh yeah? Then why are we running?”

“Stop! Thief! Thief! Stop them! Somebody stop them!”

“Don’t know about you Twitch,” said Damien, sparing a quick glance for the boy. “But does that sound like nothing to you?”

“I didn’t do nothin’!” Twitch shouted again. “Really. I didn’t do nothin’.”

Damien shook his head. “Well, we’ll just let you be the one to explain to Sticks why this mark just decided to start shouting thief. Seriously, what the hell did you do?”

“Don’t you think we have bigger problems to worry about right now than that?”

“Bigger problems? Like what?”

“Oh, maybe like the guards chasin’ us.”

“What?!”

Glancing over his shoulder Damien saw five men following them. Clubs in hand, the black tower of the Avallan guard gleamed on their chests as they passed a street lamp while their spiked shoes ate up the snow like it wasn’t even there. The fat merchant nowhere to be seen, Damien could hear his cries fading into the distance. “Aw, shit,” he said.

“You can say that again,” said Twitch.

Having slowed a little as the merchant’s cries faded, Damien now began to pick up the pace again. “Step on it Twitch,” he shouted as the boy started to fall behind. “And stay close. This may get real dicey, real quick.”

Behind them the guards too began to pick up their speed. Lowering their heads, the guards shifted from the loping, long distance stride they’d been sustaining and shifted into a full out sprint. His heart pounding, Damien skidded as he turned left onto another wide street. Grabbing Twitch to keep himself from falling, he pushed the younger boy ahead of him. The street leading straight on all the way to its forked end, the two ran as fast as they could down into the district called the Meridian.

Note: This review is meant to be helpful. All comments and suggestions are only opinions and are to be taken however you see fit. In the end the author knows best.

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City of Sin Open in new Window. (18+)
The Crescent City is a place of history, magic, true love . . . and cold blood.
#1207977 by Grace Author IconMail Icon

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Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "CHAPTER 1 THE DREAMOpen in new Window.

Chapter: {entry:}"CHAPTER 1 THE DREAMOpen in new Window.

Author: Numb Hands Author IconMail Icon


Plot:I think you have a great starting chapter her plotwise, though it could be longer to build a bit more tension. It's good that you've begun with a plan yet have given us some mysteries to wonder about. Who is this red haired woman? What's her power? How is she connected to Damien? And will the mother die training her if Damien ever find the girl? So great job peeking our interest!

Scene/Setting: Besides the first paragraph, this aspect of the story falls flat. I was confused by the old timey feel but then the modernday homes. Microwaves and lamps definitely didn't fit into my initial picture. I was also having a problem picturing what the characters were wearing because their talk mad me- again- think wizard robes and pointy witch hats, but you did mention a bed robe. Inforce this. Try to put more imagery throughout the chapter. My suggestion would be to add more detail to the beginning paragraph as well so that you better set the scene and maybe add some more tension. You hint at this with the lack of wind and birds, but it's not fully there. Also it has me only seeing the woods. Add the light the sun casts over the town and what that town looks like. Is it a quaint neighborhood with houses set in neat yards next to similar homes with lovely flower beds? Does Damien live in the neighborhood? How did Damien get to the house? A car? A broom? The list of details goes on and on! It just takes some time to add them all without weighing down the story too much.

Style/Voice: For the amount of dialogue in this chapter I thought you may have over did it a tad when it came to the dialogue tags. I don't think there was a single 'he said' or 'she asked' in the entire piece. which is what makes me think this. Sometimes less is more, and having every bit of dialogue end with and expression or a movement has the characters looking fidgity in my eyes. This is the only complaint I have with the actual writing. Otherwise I thought it was very good!

Characters:I don't know if I can really judge the characters by the little there is here. What I gather is that Alex loves his wife and is very old, I know little about his children but must assume he has a least one because he has a grandchild who seems to to respect him. There was no actual description of Alex though. You painted a good picture of the grandmother, and there was a vague idea of Damien, but I really think the characters need to be a little more throughly introduced in this first chapter. I look forewards to learning more abou tthem. *Smile*

Grammar: A few issues with commas, but I cannot say that I'm hugely knowledgable in this area.

Overall: I think the strength is the plot at the moment. You have thrown a hook and lured us in, now try and get us to want to stay! Scene setting is a great way to bring the a reader into the story and a little more indepth characters. Granted, this is only the first chapter so there is definitely time to pick up the slack. Keep up the good work! *Bigsmile*

Hugs,
Grace *Smile*

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NOTE: Comments in blue, grammar edits in green, lines I want to bring to your attention in red, and misspellings/unnecessary words/lines x'd out.

Chapter 1
The Dream


As the sun begun began to rise over the tiny town of Elmgate, a storm brewed on the horizon. It was unusually quiet that morning- no birds chirped to welcome the morning 'sun' (to keep words from repeating so closely?), or breeze brought the scent of the new day to the residents. (Line doesn't really make sense, though I understand what you're trying to say. Try: 'neither did the breeze bring the scent of the new day to the residents'?) The animals stayed in their shelters.

The little white house at the end of Maple Avenue was the only thing coming to life with its occupants.(I don't think this is necessary and it confuses the sentence.)

Anita switched on the lamp beside their bed. "What's wrong honey?"

“Anitacomma my darling.” Alex looked at his wife of a hundred years. “The time has come. Pleasecomma can we discuss this over coffee? I'm afraid we have a very long day ahead of us.”

“Yescomma dear.” Anita threw on her robe and headed to the kitchen.

Alex dialed the phone on the bedside table.

“Hello,” a sleepy voice answered.

“Damien.comma, no period It’s your grandfather; I need you to come over right away. We have an important matter to discuss.” Alex shook his head in disgust.

“Grandfather.comma, no period What time is it?” Damien cleared his throat. (Consider putting this between 'grandfather' and 'what time is it'? I don't see any reason for him to clear his throat if he doesn't continue speaking.)

“It is 5:00 in the morning. I want you here in no more than twenty minutes. I wouldn’t ask this of you, however I need you now.” Alex hung up the phone.

Alex stood in the doorway of their kitchen and watched as his wife made coffee. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on. Her once long blonde hair had turned to white. Her once smooth pale skin was now wrinkled with age. The only thing about her looks that hadn’t changed was her mint green eyes. They still made his legs turn to jelly when she looked at him. Age had not taken away her beauty, it just increased the love he felt for his witch. (I'm sure this was not your intention, but this line actually seemed kinda dirty to me. I get what your trying to do, it just sounded funny to me. Only an observation though.)

“Alex, what are you staring at?” Anita smiled.

“Just the most outrageously gorgeous witch that ever existed.” He wrapped his arms around her thin frame.

“Ohcomma (there should always be a comma between a name or endearment and the rest of the dialogue when they are speaking to the person.) Alex.” Her bone deep blush covered her body.

“Prepare a place for Damien. He shall be joining us in about ten minutes.” He released her.

“Damien,question mark. start new sentence but he never gets out of bed before seven in the morning. What’s going on Alex?” she asked worriedly.

“I'll tell you everything after Damien arrives. I really would like to explain it to both of you at once. Trust me, it won’t be long.” Alex kissed his wife. “After I tell you everything I need to call the rest of the Watchers, and have everyone put on alert.”

They heard a knock on the back door.

“That must be Damien,” Anita whispered.

“Good morning, Grandfather,” Damien expressed(Awkward words choice here, maybe just 'said'?) as he entered the house. “How are you this morning, Grandmother?” He kissed her cheek.

Anita looked at her grandson.maybe a semi-colon here Still as handsome as ever. His long black hair pulled into a neat little ponytail at the nape of his neck. His skin pale, but that was normal for his kind. His eyes were ice blue, his smile a little crooked. ‘Someday this man is going to catch the eye of a worthy woman.comma (thoughts are to be treated the same as dialogue in punctuation)’ She thought to herself.

“I'm doing fine, sweetie. Please sit down. The coffee is almost ready. I have breakfast going. Will you stay?”

“That’s what smells so good. Of course, I would love some of your home cooked breakfast. Microwaves can’t cook the way you can.” He laughed, as he pulled out the chair across from his grandfather. “What is so urgent, Grandfather?”

“Damien I'm sorry to have troubled you so early. If there were any other way I would have waited. (Was it such a trouble for him to get out of bed that they keep going on about it?) Unfortunately, time is of the essence. I need your help.” He frowned at his grandson.

“Grandfathercomma I have many talents, however mind reading is not one of them. Please explain,” Damien replied sarcastically.(that seems rude to me and makes me immediately dislike Damien. Consider changing?)

“Alex, we have been patient long enough.” Anita placed the coffee tray on the table. “Why don’t you tell us what is going on now.”

“Last night I had a dream.comma, no period” Alex paused dramatically. (I think it's more that you want to pause dramatically, which is fine, but having Alex do so makes this sound like he's being funny to me) “The dream started off in the middle of a lake. I was flying over the green-blue water headed for a brilliant white house. It had a wrap around porch, and on that porch sat a luxurious woman with hair the color of a warm fire. Her eyes were as green as a shining emerald: her skin, pale as a ghost. As I came upon the house the scene changed. It went from her being on the porch of the exquisite house to her being in the middle of a forest. Werewolves, goblins, and demons surrounded her. Her entire being was lit up with violet lights of her power. As I woke I heard her speak,” he ended solemnly.

“So what does it mean?” Damien sipped his coffee.

“It means, my dear grandson, that the time of the prophecy is upon us. It also means that I am going to have to ask you to take on a very difficult and dangerous task.” Alex stood and went to look out the door.

“Why, Alex? Why must it be Damien?” Anita asked as she forgot forgetting about the eggs.(?)about the eggs.

“Because, my sweet Anita, as I woke I heard the woman call out to Damien Duates. Is that not a sign? He will be the one to find her.” He smiled at his wife.

“Everything will be fine, Grandmother.” Damien hugged her from behind. “Grandfather, how do I find her?”

“Of that I am not positive . I know I was on Witch Lake in my dream. The description I gave you is all I know of her. She has not been told of what she is. Do you think you will be able to find her with so little to go on?” Alex placed his hand on his grandson’s shoulder.

“I will do everything in my power to find her, but how will I know her? Also why is she so important?”

“She is the woman of which the prophecy speaks. She has not been trained, and if the others get her first we won’t stand a chance in the war that is to come,” Alex stated grimly.

Anita watched the two men in her life as she set the table for breakfast. She knew Alex would want her to train the woman in witchcraft, but her powers were weakening. She would do everything she needed to do, however she would have to tell these two men what was going to happen before it was too late. She crossed over to the kitchen window.

“Alex dear.” She was looking out the window as the wind began to blow. “Am I right to assume that you want me to train this woman?”

“I wouldn’t ask anyone else. You are the best witch I know. Why commadarling?”

“I need to tell you both something important.” She watched as the storm came closer. She could not bear to look at them as she said this. “My powers are weakening. I will teach her everything I can in the time I have left. I am not sure how long that is though. You both are aware that when a witch loses her power soon after she also loses her life.” A single tear ran down her cheek as the rain began to fall.

Note: This review is meant to be helpful. All comments and suggestions are only opinions and are to be taken however you see fit. In the end the author knows best.

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City of Sin Open in new Window. (18+)
The Crescent City is a place of history, magic, true love . . . and cold blood.
#1207977 by Grace Author IconMail Icon

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Review of My Twilight  Open in new Window.
Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
First of all, Welcome to WDC!! *Bigsmile* Glad to have you with us and I know you'll love it here.

The similarities between Twilight and your life are really weird, have you thought about making this into a short story or novel? That would be interesting. Nice little piece though, I enjoyed it!

Here are a few errors I noticed: Maby you create new people to fit the descirptions descriptions but mabey maybe, just mabey maybe, you relate the characters to people you know like I do.

He filled the open spot in the cullen Cullen family.

As all Twilighter's no know Bella lives forever with Edward


Comments:
Kelsey, my best friend, reminded me of Rosalie. They both looked the same. (Did they act the same? Was she a snob too?)

In the second book Jacob becomes a big nuisance to Bella. (I wouldn't have called him a nuisance. He really saved Bella)


Write on!
Hugs,
Grace *Smile*
4
4
Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I hope you find this review helpful and encouraging. These are merely my suggestions. Take what you want and leave the rest!

Plot
Great little story about just stopping to take in life when we think we're too busy to care.

Setting
Loved your description of the wind and the leaves and how soft and sweet it can all be. I was definitely there with the characters and felt the peace. Though at the beginning I thought she was in bed just because of her answer when he calls to her. Other than that You did a really great job!

Characters
I thought you did great. Michael seemed really wonderful in this memory (a memory of past relationship, correct?). You brought him to life.

Grammar/Spelling/Dialogue
All good.

My Point of View
All and all, I thought this was really calming and real. You really know how to write, keep at it!

Hugs,
Grace *Smile*
5
5
Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi, I thought I'd return the favor and give a review. I hope you find this review helpful and encouraging. These are merely my suggestions. Take what you want and leave the rest!

Plot
I thought this was a very haunting little story. Though it wasn't clear whether the story was being told from third person or if this was literally happening right as I'm reading it. At the beginning I thought the latter. However, if this is what you're going for, it's great!

Setting
I think there was just enough description to make this come alive. The thunder and black steed and rain gave it a spooky air. Though I don't think you ever mentioned if it were day or night. I'd assume it was day and dark because the clouds are heavy, but I'm not sure.

Characters
I don't really think it was necessary to have the characters speak. They fit well enough as it is and I think it would seem scarier if you didn't have them talk.

Grammar/Spelling/Dialogue
All good.

My Point of View
I thought this was a great little ghost tale and even went on to read the poem it was based on. Great job!

Hugs,
Grace *Smile*
6
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Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Title: "V V Chap One - revised 8/26/09Open in new Window.

Chapter: Chapter one

Author: C.J.Ellisson Author IconMail Icon


Plot:Ok, you set the plot up pretty well, and very quickly. Yet this chapter seemed slow to me. The actual time in the scene couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes, if that, but still it goes on for pages as we wait for Rafe to eventually get to the room. Once this is finally accomplished, we find out nothing new (well, except the extent of Viv’s sex-drive.) Though I don’t know if the vampire factor seems relevant in this story. At the moment this would work just as well without them. It’s all a little strange to me, a vampire hotel, dead guy on the floor. Guess we’ll see where it takes us.

Scene/Style:Tense seems odd to me. You’re always using present tense, and I’m sure you’re trying not to sound passive but it’s a little awkward for me. However, your descriptions were well done and everything was pretty clear.

Characters:Well, we have a couple who are desperately in love, this comes across pretty well. Don’t know too much about them, but they seem likeable enough.

Grammar:All good.

Overall:For a beginning chapter it didn’t quite carry the hook I would think is necessary. And by the end we still don’t really have an idea of where this is going. Finding a dead body is always exciting, but since we’ve no idea who he is it falls a little flat. You write wonderfully, and I was entertained the whole time, but the end needs a hook. The guy wakes up from the floor and tries to kill them. Dun dun dun! . . . Not that I really want that to happen, just an example. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more soon!

Hugs,
Grace *Smile*

Line-by-Line:
NOTE: Comments in blue, grammar edits in green, lines I want to bring to your attention in red, and misspellings/unnecessary words/lines x'd out.

Chapter 1





I open the guest room door to a body at my feet. Thick rich iron reaches my sensitive nose like a wet blanket wrapped around my head. What the hell happened in here? I flail out for the light switches. Two lamps come on across the room, flanking the lush king size bed and a third illuminates a cozy chair in the reading nook to my left. The body is clear in the warm glow from the lights.

Face down on the creamy soft carpet lies a male corpse with one arm reaching towards the door. Death did not come right away for this man; it crept upon him slowly and stole his life with each drop of liquid lost. This whole scene makes me wish I’d just stayed in bed today curled up next to my warm husband.

“Crap, look at the rug.” Okay, out loud that sounds rather dispassionate.

Whoever this poor stiff may be, he’s dead. Left with do you mean ‘were’ his earthly remains and guests arriving within the hour explains my lack of passion. Good thing I caught this on a final walk through and not one of the maids, the screams from last time were a devil to calm down.

This guy might have a family somewhere, and yes, I should have some sympathy. I just don’t. If he’s at this inn they probably haven’t been on his list of priorities for a while. My husband and I run an exclusive destination resort in the barren wilds of Northern Alaska catering to the undead. Undead, meaning creatures of the night, nosferatu, vampyre, vampires - whatever you’d like to call them. (oooo, vampires. Exciting!)

Looking around the head I believe you need a comma here at the stain, the sheer volume of blood makes me think one of our undead guests could not be the killer. A vampire would not normally choose to waste a good meal, even in a fit of anger. It’s just not done; I would know, since I never have. The delicious aroma invades my senses and makes me thankful advanced age can allow one to hold back the instinctive reaction to that initial rush. Having my husband nearby helps, my rock of strength in this chaotic ride of afterlife.

Stopping to think, not sure how to proceed next, I weigh all the steps they do on CSI upon discovery.

Scream and run from the body. Not going to happen.

Call the Police. Nope.

Take lots of pictures of the victim and the surrounding room. Not a good idea, think what would happen if the pictures got out. Hmmm....

Study the scene, take notes, and catalog evidence.
That one seems like my only viable option. Oh, and drag my Rock in this with me, misery does love company. Focusing my thoughts to my human husband, glad for the mind connection we share through our mated bond.

Rafe? We have a problem in room six. A male DB and a big bloody mess.

His rugged and handsome face appears in my mind, letting me see the room around him. I find him leaning against the sink in our small private kitchen, a steaming cup of coffee in his large hand. I don’t know how that man sleeps with so much caffeine in his system. Oh, yes, I do. I tire him out mercilessly until he begs for release.

Did you just say “DB”? I think we need to cut back on the TV, Viv. I can hear the smile coming through in his words. wouldn’t she see the smile as well, his face was in her mind right? That man loves to jerk my chain and live on the edge.

I’ll be right up, love he continues, before I have a chance to comment on the TV remark.

We’ve had bodies before, but usually it’s from an accidental over-feeding. Eager to wait for Rafe’s arrival, (why is she eager to ‘wait’?) I step over the outstretched arm and close the door behind me. No need to scare or excite the guests and it might help keep the aroma in, these doors are thick and there was no trace in the hall until I opened it. Yeah, right. Now that I’ve exposed it, super vamp senses can’t possibly pick up a couple of quarts of spilled blood.

Taking a long look at the corpse, I see black hair matted now with gore. His smooth unlined skin appears to be in his early 20’s. The rest of him is clad in well-worn jeans, blue striped oxford shirt and brown casual shoes. Looking around the room reveals no coat or a bag. His definite human scent, with no trace of vampire taint to mark him mixed in, means he’d need to have some protection from the elements once he steps outside. The shoes are not native Alaskan wear for going outside, so he must have some things stashed somewhere else in the resort. Could he be an employee I don’t know? ( I thought This meant she didn’t know if he was an employee. Consider: Could he be an employee I had never met ?)

Rafe, do we have any new hires in the past week I haven’t met yet?

Send me his face and I’ll let you know if he looks familiar.

I concentrate and project the image from my mind to Rafe’s, my strong ability enables me to send the entire experience to him if I wish. I could share the rich iron smell filling the air, the sticky congealing blood pooling about his head, the heavy feel of death hanging in the air like a cloud, but choose to limit it to the image only.

No, I don’t recognize him. Front desk has a question, I’ll handle it and be up in a minute.

Analyzing the corpse again, I note his underdressed appearance, at least by the pseudo-goth standards most guests prefer. Not all of them dress to the nines the whole week, but most love the drama and pull out all the stops while on vacation. I lean in to take a deep breath to catch his scent, any trace could help later to identify his things if found. It’s hard to pull the nuances out under all the strong scents, but I try. I don’t catch a hint of anyone else in the room, this could mean they were in the room way too briefly to pick up or other smells are overwhelming all other traces right now.

The back of his head is slightly concave and the large deep red pool around him seems to be restricted to the head area. The strike must have rendered him unconscious and he bled out to his ultimate demise. I’m speculating, obviously. We’ll have to examine him closer later and see if there are any wounds under the body.

I would have thought the rug would soak up more blood and the stain wouldn’t be so large, maybe they clean it up a bit for the viewers at home? Way out of my element here. Yes, I’m a vampire, but that doesn’t make me a serial killer. Most of my kind would never have allowed such a sizable spill and frankly, I’m a bit loopy from it. The amount of blood a human contains is actually more than a healthy nosferatu needs to be fully fed for a long time. A sufficient feeding in a newly turned fledgling runs about a quart a day.

Tip toeing over to the upholstered bench at the end of the bed, I gently lower down to sit. Fiddle for a moment, searching and patting, until it dawns on me the black clingy dress has no pockets. Dammit, knew I forgot something.

Hon? Grab a notebook and pen on your way please.

Sure thing love. Heading up the stairs as we speak.

I don’t function without lists and schedules, too much to juggle in this big place. I have a few obsessive compulsive quirks, sue me, I was human once. Self-analysis should never be underrated. To be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses puts you a step ahead of an enemy that would study and kill you. I’ve survived this long for a reason - I always have a plan and a back up one too.

Rafe’s hesitation on the stair before reaching the second floor landing reaches my ears. I bet he is was trying to place where he last saw a notebook. My teeth grind together. Some things never change, even when you’re undead and married to the same mate for over seventy-five years. He never bothers to learn where things are kept. Okay, that’s not fair, he knows where his things are. Our mate bond and exchange of blood may keep him from aging, but it doesn’t change the core of who he is: an extremely normal human man.

Table in the hall, top drawer, outside suite seven. I don’t need to see his smile to confirm he’s laughing at me. That’s okay, I’ll pay him back later, in spades.

He grabs the items, opens the door slowly and stops before hitting the body. His sparkling blue eyes, warm open face and charming smile remind me all over again why I put up with his constant teasing. That and the fact he’s hung like a horse helps too.

“Look at you all sexed up and sitting so prim next to all this blood.” He says it with a smirk, and adds, with a wiggle of eyebrows, “I’ll have to reward you later on your excellent self control.”

I answer with a glare.
He opts to push his luck and continues, “Do you have a clue who this is yet and what happened?”

Amazing, in three short sentences he can compliment, tease and still manage to get to the heart of the matter. That’s why I keep him. He knows I need a little flattery once in a while and he throws me a bone when he can, not that I have to let him see that I noticed; I’d rather hold on to my glare. His jab at my condition with the strong odors in the room is just par for the course with his normal comedic attitude.

“No, nothing yet. Just the obvious, he’s dead and has a gaping wound to his head.”

He ignores my writhing stare, like usual, and tosses me the notebook with a pen. I snatch them out of the air with movements almost too fast to see. I swear he aimed at my head, just to keep me on my toes! exclaimation point necessary? He squats to examine the body while I quickly scribble observations down in an illegible scrawl.

“His head is bashed in pretty good,” Rafe observes. “Is that brains I see in the carpet?”

Yuck. He may be right, salvaging the rug is out. He reaches over and starts to pat the man’s pockets.

“Think we’ve got a wallet here,” He confirms. confirmed

“Lot of good that’s going to do. We’ve got his name, sure, but unless we can figure out who he came here with, we can't even begin to figure out who's responsible. Why has no one called the desk to report someone missing?”

“Buck up and just write, Sherlock, it’s a start. Could be it’s too soon, and no one has missed him yet. He is still warm so it can’t have been too long since he died.” (How do thye know he’s still warm?) That must be true because the maids would have been up here this morning.

He continues, “No license, his credit card says John Pierre Vaughn. Does that ring a bell with you?”

I usually greet all our guests personally when they arrive. I learn their mate’s names, and most of their servants, but don’t always have the time to pay attention to the “food” they’ve brought with them. We can provide all the needs of our guests, but some still insist on BYOB (bring your own blood). Guests pay for their companion’s stay, so it’s fine by me, but if they care so little for their companion that they won’t even share blood to protect them, then I don’t waste energy on worrying about names.

“Name isn’t one of the vamp mates or servants. Could be a companion, but I’m not sure.” I respond.

Rafe considers I know you’re trying to keep the action moving, but the tense is sometimes strange to me.) what is showing of the man’s face. “I’m sure he isn’t a new hire. I do all final interviews and would have noticed the scar,” he observes and points to the small crescent shaped scar high on John Pierre’s left cheek. I jot that down as well.

“Who is left here today? We’ve got some new arrivals coming in tonight, right?”
“Three groups left yesterday.” Responding as I mentally I responded as I mentally count the guests in my mind and continue. “We’ve got three people in cabin two - the Natsuhara couple with a servant. A loner named Leo in cabin five. In the main building, we’ve got Salvador’s group of eight in suites two, three and four. Most all of them leave within this coming week.” I think thought hard. Could either the Natsuhara or Salvador groups be missing part of their party?

“You’re right about the warmth and he’s certainly fresh.” I inhale deep again, searching for a familiar scent, mentally ruling out the guests that left already. “What do you think hit him in the head?”

Maybe if we found a murder weapon it would all become clear. How come this appears appeared so much easier on TV? I never fail to solve the whodunit, and always before the hour. I feel a growing sense of annoyance in the center of my brain and it is getting bigger. (The tense is very awkward here. Maybe: a sense of annoyance grew in the center of my brain ?)

Rafe puts put his large fist close to the dent on the back of John Pierre’s skull. “Could have been something this size.”

Scanning the room, both of us search to see if anything fits that shape. Nothing jumps jumped out at us and reality quickly starts to set in. What do we have? I look back over my notes. Lots of things stand out at once, none of them giving an answer. Highest on my list: We have a dead guy cooling fast in our hotel. Looks like we’re on our own and this will take more time then either of us can spare right now.

“You know something, Hon?” maybe a dialogue tag here?

“What?” He sounds sounded or said? distracted.

“This is not fun anymore and I’ve got people arriving in comma ” I glance at my ever present watch “thirty five minutes. I can switch the new group down one, but we’ve got to move pronto. This guy is going to start to stink soon and I need to make sure we make a good impression on the new arrivals.”

Pressure builds built in my chest, this dead body has got to go. Ruthless, practical, whatever; it is what it is. We have a business to run and you don’t have the reputation we have and the ability to charge what we charge without working your ass off for it.

Rafe takes took out a utility knife from the back of his elegant grey slacks. I swear, he could have been a Boy Scout, always so damn prepared.

“We agree? I cut the carpet up and roll him inside?” he looks looked over at me and asks asked . “Hey, I’m only asking because I want to make sure you don’t think we can save the rug and have you get pissy later with me if I cut it without checking.”
Pissy is a nice way to say bitchy, but I’m okay with that.

“Nah, you’re right. It’s shot. Put him in one of the sheds outside, lock it up and we’ll talk again later about what to do.” Rafe zips up the blade, jumps over the corpse gracefully and lands lightly. He cuts a big square into the rug starting about a foot out from the stain. Quick and sure in his movements, I love watching him work. He has vampire strength through our bond, but will not need it for cutting the rug.

What can I say? I like them big and I like them strong. It turns me on to watch them move. All that grace and power, tightly leashed and controlled. A familiar heat pools low in my belly while watching the muscles in his back work under a tight blue polo. The blood in the room arouses the predator in me, and like usual, it is not blood I crave. I remind myself, again, to stop breathing.

If I’m not careful to keep my thoughts tightly bound, Rafe will see the naughty images running through my mind right now of his bare shoulders between my thighs. I have an all over body shiver, and try to pull myself together.

He looks back over his shoulder with a small smile on his face. Damn it, he saw. “You’re a bad girl, you know that?”

“And you love it.” I purr.

He rolls the body in the carpet and hefts it over his shoulder in one smooth move. My eyes droop half closed and I look squarely at his chest, that shirt shows off his definition nicely. My tongue snakes out to wet my lips. I think it’s getting a bit hot in here.

“Yeah, I do. I’ll deal with you later, minx.” He winks. “Save that sexiness for the customers, they feed off you when you do.” He’s right, they do, even if I don’t project. It’s one of the big reasons they come back again and again, that and the amazing sex they have when they’re here.

I stick my lip out in a pout. “Fine, but dead body or no dead body, I want you later. Better not tire yourself out, I have plans.”

He chuckles as he walks out the door. I’m sure you do, Viv, I’m sure you do.

I love that man, so damn yummy. I take a deep cleansing lung full of air, enjoying the body free room much more. I smack my palm to my forehead. Wake up! Shake it off!

The questions start to circle in my mind: What are we going to do about a corpse? Who the hell is John Pierre Vaughn? Who killed him and why here? What is he doing in a locked room no guests have a keycard for? Unfortunately, they are not things to dwell on at the moment, with guests about to arrive I need to concentrate on that. Even with only four hours of twilight, I can tell this is going to be a very long night.

I stand, smoothing the fabric of the gown down my stomach and hips, as ready as I’ll ever be. I leave and lock the door behind me, glancing at my wrist as I go. Twenty-seven minutes until the new group arrives from our private airstrip and then show time!


Note: This review is meant to be helpful. All comments and suggestions are only opinions and are to be taken however you see fit. In the end the author knows best.


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Review of Chapter 1-3  Open in new Window.
Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title:"Chapter 1-3Open in new Window.

Chapter: Chapter One

Author: Magar The Mysterious Author IconMail Icon


Plot: Animals? Interesting. I’ve never seen this on WDC before, it kinda felt like a kids book with a bit too intense plot line. However, it’s a good intense plot line. Definitely got me interested. Though the trench coat that Marty wears made it a little obvious what his profession was.. I can’t imagine what’s gonna happen next!

Scene/Style: Would like a better feel for this animal world to make it seem more real. The part at the beginning was good, but the entire story after that was pretty much internal. Having David interact with his world literally would bring it to life.

Characters: Honestly, David seems pretty dull to me. Though I’m not an expert on what animals do in this world. Marty on the other hand is exciting and mysterious. Yet David is our hero right? You don’t really tell us anything about his personality.

Grammar:Some things I noted below.

Overall: Can’t say that I’m crazy about the animal world but it is original. My main problem is that their animals that could be people if you changed the words around a bit. They should still have some animal instincts shouldn’t they? However, the story line is interesting and I look forward to seeing what happens next.

Line-by-Line:





Chapter One The roommate



The story begins in the humble dwelling of David Wilkins the cat, who lived on the sixth floor of an apartment building which was set in the very heart of the booming metropolis Geltempo City. DavidDavid’s back was black and grey striped coat. His front side was white which ran up along his body until it ended in a splash between his eyes. Geltempo City was divided into two sections. These sections were not divided all on land but rather vertically, from top to bottom. There was Upper-Level Geltempo which began about seven hundred feet up and was mostly dominated by birds and other flying beast. Metal sidewalks with guardrails stretched out from building to building forming complex lattice throughout Upper-Level for those who were totoo tired to, or couldn't fly. Under Upper-Level was Ground-Level Geltempo were all the land bound creatures, such as David, dwelled. Most of the creatures in Geltempo kept to their own respective levels (though cats, who were very fond of high places, often visited, went on vacation to, or lived in Upper-level) allowing all the inhabitants to coexist, for the most part, peacefully.

Today was not David's day. His girlfriend no longer able to put up with his
unemployment had recently broken up with him. Also, he was barely able to scrape by on his rent this month.

His had crashed on the couch that night and turned on the TV, not really caring what was on, and begun to give himself a cat bath when a knock sounded at his door.

A raccoon was standing in the doorway when he answered it. Though he was of an average build, he cut a very tough figure. His left ear stood taller than his right which looked like half of it had been hacked off. He wore a long trench coat which almost exendedextended over his whole body. A strong smelling cigar hung limply from his mouth sending a lazy trail of smoke into the air.

"I heard you were looking for a roommate."comma, no period. Don’t capitalize ‘he’ He said.

If he could some how get behind himself, David would have kicked himself hard for not cleaning up the place. Realizing that he couldn't afford to be just scraping by on the every month, he put an ad in the newspaper for a roommate. He tried to keep the place clean, but it had been two weeks and no one had contacted him about it. And gradually he began to let the place slip back to its usual messiness.

"Okay then, um.. Come in."comma, no period. Don’t capitalize ‘he’ He said

The raccoon strolled in and stuck out his paw.

"Marty Mask"period

"David Wilkins"comma David answered accepting it. He winced a little when he felt Marty's viselike grip.
"Gee, I wish you had called before you came here. I would have tried to get the place ready."

"So what? This is what it'll be looking like if I start living here."no period, comma Marty said kicking aside a pizza box. Then sensing David's agitation he smiled and said. (I believe you slipped POV with this sentence) "Don't worry, when you see how messy I am you'll be ready to kick me out. So are you going to show me around?"

David gave him a quick tour of the apartment. He Marty decided to accept the offer and move in. The next week he began to move is stuff in. He had a box full of miscellaneous objects and a large oak desk. He didn't strike David as exactly a fashion fanatic, but the bulk of his possessions were clothes. He brought in at least five boxes full of clothes.

He helped Marty cram the last of it in his closet and got a glimpse of the type of clothes they were. He had clothing for every type of occasion you could think of. He had everything from very expensive tailor-made suits to dirty looking holey clothes that looked like something only a street bum would be caught wearing. David commented on his enormous wardrobe. Marty's only responded by saying that he needed a wide variety of clothes to choose from in his line of work.

David didn't know exactly what Marty's occupation was but after a week or two he began to grow very curious. Very often beasts of various species knocked on his door asking to talk with Marty Mask. He tried asking Marty about it but he was again elusive in his answer by only saying that they were his clients.

No matter how late he arrived at the apartment at night, Marty would always be up at the crack of dawn to take his morning walk. Then he would fix a pot of coffee and some breakfast while he turned on the morning news. That was about around the time David woke up. About around ten o'clock after this morning ritual he began working.

He would then often disappear off somewhere in the city, wearing one of his
various outfits. Sometimes he came back as late as after midnight. When he came back, he would shut himself up in his room/office and demand total quiet. After an hour or two if it wasn't too late and he didn't get any more clients, he would come out and watch TV for the rest of the day. (Wouldn’t it be night?)

David's curiosity turned into alarm when one day, about a month after Marty moved in, he spied him getting ready to leave the house dressed in a waiter uniform and loading a revolver and slipping it in a holster concealed in his coat.

Now the crime rate all throughout Geltempo City was very high especially around the area David lived in. It was something that Geraldo Spike, Geltempo's Ground-Level porcupine mayor, spent countless hours trying to think of a solution for, or at least something that would at least temporarily stop the seemingly endless barrage of complaints that pored in every day. There were plenty of gangs ravaging the streets at night and there were even a few organized crime groups headed by much older and sinister beasts then the juvenile delinquents that only dealt in petty crimes. David knew there was no place in Geltempo that was completely safe from crime but David definitely wasn't going to share his apartment with a criminal.
The next morning he woke up with the resolve to confront Marty and demand to know exactly just what his job was but he had already left on his morning walk. So he began to make breakfast as he waited for him to return. It was then when a furious pounding sounded at the door. When he went to open it, he almost fainted as he was assailed by a blast of fowl breath and flecks of spit.

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR SNOUT OUT OF MY BUSINESS YOU ROTTEN RACCOON!!!"

It was then that the huge horned lizard realized that David wasn't a raccoon.
"Where's the raccoon?"

"Look buddy, Marty said he doesn't talk to any clients before 10 o'clock and I'll tell you another thing, I don't appreciate you banging on my door like that and spraying your slobber all over me especially this early in the morn-"

"Now you listen to me fleabag, when that raccoon gets here, you tell him that Bart said that when we catch up with him, me and my whole gang is gonna make a cap out of him!"

David was beginning not to like this lizard. "Now you listen to me reptile, I don't know who you are or what your problem with Marty is but if you come here banging on my door and calling me a fleabag again, I will give you a good slashing! Now get lost and buy yourself a mint while you're at it."comma instead of period. Start new sentence. He growled at him fully displaying his claws. He hissed at him and was about to slam the door in his face when they both heard a voice from the hallway.

"Ernie(I thought his name was Bart?), what a pleasant surprise. You came youto see me I understand?"
Ernie whirled around to see Marty strolling leisurely up to the door.

"You!" Helower case h shouted after he recovered from his surprise. "I told you to stay out of my business and I still find out that you've been snooping around my house again, probably got it infested with fleas, and I know you were spying on me at the restaurant."

"Well if that's what you're so worked up about then I have some good news and nonot so good news for you, The good news is I found out all I needed to know and I will not be anywhere near your filthy house again. So you can rest easy, But lower case b the not so good news is you'll only be able to rest easy for a few hours because pretty soon you'll probably be arrested for the murder of Gregory Slithers."

When Marty said that last part Ernie stepped back in surprise. Which David would have preferred he didn't hadn’t because it brought the lizard over the threshold and into his apartment.

"Well I suppose that means you found out." Ernie snarled. He suddenly shoved past Marty. At first David thought he was trying to run away. But he stopped behind Marty and reached in his coat and pulled out a gun. He pointed in Marty's face who had just whirled around.
"Alright both of you get your paws up and get in the apartment now!"
Marty's face betrayed no emotion as he slowly raised his paws in the air and stepped in the apartment.

"I was just going to beat you up but I see I'm going to have to do more than that now! Hey cat!" He said pointing the gun at David. "Get those paws up."

"Look I-I don't know w-what this is a-all about." comma, no period.David stammered quickly. "B-but I'm j-just his roommate. I don't have any t-thing to do with-"

"I SAID 'SHUT UP AND GET THOSE PAWS UP!!'"

Suddenly Marty lunged forward and grabbed the claw that was clutching the gun.

"Get your flea-ridden paws off me you mammal scum!" Ernie grunted as they struggled for control of the gun. The gunIt went with off a loud bang but Marty was able to push Ernie's arm so that the bullet flew harmlessly( I don’t think a bullet ever flies harmlessly) to the right breaking a lamp.

The shot seemed to galvanize David into action. Popping his claws out, he slashed at Ernie across the face. Crying out in pain, Ernie dropped his gun and clutched at his wound. With almost blurring speed Marty picked the gun up and before he knew it Ernie was staring down the barrel of his own gun. (But it’s Marty’s gun.)

"Make one move and I I’ll put a bullet right through your head."comma, no period Marty said.

Suddenly the door busted and a doberman capitalize the ‘d’ cop in plan plain clothes and three other dogs in uniforms burst through the door with guns in their paws.

"Alright everyone freeze! GPD!!." The dobermanYou have an extra period at the end of the dialogue and I would suggest only one exclamation point. The ‘t’ in ‘the’ shouldn’t be capitalized also. shouted.

, "Well Anya, You took your time getting here, as usual."comma, no period. Marty said to the doberman. ’d’ should be capitalized

"Maybe I was hoping scale-face over here might plug you."no period, comma instead Anya said motioning for a golden retriever to put Ernie in cuffs. The lizard knew that the game was up so he initiated his body's most primitive defense mechanism, he hit the dog squarely in the face with a steam of blood he shot from the corner of his eye. As the dog let go of him to frantically wipe his face, he made one last desperate dash for the door, but he never made it past Anya who bought brought the butt of her (I didn’t realize Anya was a girl.) gun down hard on Ernie's head. With a grunt Ernie fell over and crashed into David's glass coffee table shattering it into a million tiny pieces.

"Let's see if you can cuff him right this time."comma, no period. ‘S’ shouldn’t be capitalized She growled at the retriever. She turned to Marty. "As for you, you got a lot of explaining to do."

David was staring in horror at his coffee table, which now laid in ruins. It was a birthday present from his mom. She would not be happy to see it gone the next time she visited.

"See," Marty said. "Told you I was messier than you are." (Haha, love the ending)

Good luck with your writing!

Hugs,
Grace *Smile*

Note: This review is meant to be helpful. All comments and suggestions are only opinions and are to be taken however you see fit. In the end the author knows best.


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Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I know all of my other reviews for your chapters have been short, but I've created my own reviewing format that I fill out in every review now so that they are really worth will. Hopefully this helps you a little more then the others.

Title: "Rebekah - Chapter 4Open in new Window.

Chapter: Chapter 4 Mistakes

Author:
Caitlin Stafford Author IconMail Icon

Plot: Well, other then huge emotion not much happens in this chapter to drive the story forward. I really liked it, but I wonder if it was necessary to put it all in one clump. Threading the doubts Bekah has through out the story would create great tension. Instead of kinda starting and ending it all in one chapter. Problems should take time to resolve.

Scene:Your basic grungy motel on the side of the highway. I wonder why they didn't just rent one more room so the girls didn't have to share, though I realize you wanted to have Riley and Bekah spend the night together but you might want to have a better excuse.

Characters: Love them! Though I seriously wonder what Alex's deal is. Bekah's feelings and innertermoil is especially well done, because it seems real. It's difficult to express emotion like that but you did a great job. I also loved Riley's reaction at the end.

Grammar:Good, there are a few lines that words repeat but I noted them below.

Overall: I really enjoyed this chapter the emotions were great! Very real and convincing, Bekah's termoil over loving Riley and also being terrified of him was really good. My only suggestion would be to maybe make it longer so that something important to the plot actually happens here. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Line-by-Line:


4. Mistakes



The car trip was long and uncomfortable. I tried to concentrate on the landscape flashing by my window, but as soon as we got outside of the town limits, it turned into the relentlessly monotonous countryside -- nothing but grass and livestock.

As hard as I tried not to think about it, my mind kept returning to what Riley had told me earlier, and all the inevitable implications of everything he’d revealed in that short conversation. Worst of all, every time I considered Riley’s admission that he wasn’t human, my stomach twisted into knots at the feel of his hand on mine. I knew that Riley wasn’t one of the bad guys, obviously; I mean; (I don't think having two semi-colons together like this is right. Consider a comma after 'obviously'.) he was descended from a fallen Angel, for Christ’s sake. But the words not human kept running through my head, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine what kind of things that meant.

I snuck glances at him during the drive whenever he wasn’t watching me, which wasn’t very often. I kept thinking that now that I knew the truth about what he was, I would see something in his face that screamed Angel, but all I could see was the familiar human(I don't think this is necessary.) features of my best friend.

By the time the car pulled into a shabby little bed and breakfast along the side of the road (This 'road' was it interstate or back highways?), the sun was setting outside my window and my stomach was growling – I’d already cleaned out the small supply of food in the Ford about half an hour after we’d gotten onto the road, and that was hours earlier.('hours' repeats in this line. Try changing?)

I stared around the small motel lobby as Riley booked us a couple of two rooms, and hoped that we’d spend as little time in this place as possible. The carpet underfoot was worn and threadbare, and it was hard to tell what its original colour was. There were fake plastic plants dotted along the wall, and somehow even they managed to look neglected. (I would think it's pretty easy for fake plants to look neglected, they're probably really dusty and dirty.) The walls were a dirty olive green, and were covered with scuff-marks and oily fingerprints.

Alex looked around with unmasked disdain -- mirroring exactly how I felt on the inside -- sneering at the hunched little owner of the place as he hurried to pick up my bags. I tried to take them from him, but he refused, insisting in a high and nasally voice that it was his job. (This is modern day right? In my experience [and I've been in alot of motels] the owner doesn't bring your bags to your room for you. However it may be different where you live. Also he seems a little cliched. Grungy motel=grungy owner. Just something to consider.) I eyed him nervously as he led us to our rooms; his back looked about to break under the weight of my two bags.

The man put my bags (repeats) down and opened the door to the first of the rooms we’d paid for, and it looked even shabbier than the front lobby. My eyes widened as they fell on the grimy double bed in the center of the room, (how was it shabbier? Description would be nice here. The bed was grimy? How?)and I nervously hoped for two singles in the second room.

As the owner opened up the next door, my eyes went straight to the center of the room, and I stared in dismay at a second double bed. I turned to ask the owner if there were any other rooms with singles, but he’d already disappeared around the corner, back to the lobby.

Aaron and Riley hauled their bags into the second room, and I stood with my back against the wall, hoping someone would reveal a cot or a sofa – anything that would give me a way out of sharing a bed with Alex. The ferocity of her apparent hatred towards me seemed to have deepened the further we drove from Middle Lakes, and I dreaded having to spend any more time with her than was absolutely necessary -- the thought of having to share a bed with her was terrifying.

Alex seemed to be thinking along similar lines, because she hadn’t moved from where she stood. Riley stepped back outside his room and nearly collided with Alex, standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

“I’m not sharing with her, Riley.” The contempt in her voice was obvious.

He took her in wearily, his eyes darting to me. “Can’t you at least try for civility, Alex?”

She snorted, her head turning to shoot me another filthy look. “She’s your responsibility, not mine. I never wanted her here in the first place,” she said, her eyes locked on mine. The venom in her voice stung me, and I wondered once again what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so deeply.

“Fine.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “If that’s the way you’re going to act, I guess I’ll have to swap with you.”

Her head whipped around, but not before I’d seen the horror in her expression. Apparently, this wasn’t the solution to her problem she’d been hoping for.

I felt my cheeks colour at the thought of sharing a bed with Riley, and unbidden, I remembered all the times Riley had stayed the night at my house. My mother always had insisted that he sleep in the guest room at the other end of the hallway, eyeing the two of us together nervously. We’d thought it was hilariously funny at the time, but now that I was confronted with actually having to sleep in the same tiny double bed as him, it all seemed horribly embarrassing and uncomfortable.

I stared at the dirty carpet below my feet, determined not to catch anyone’s gaze, and felt rather than heard (do you mean 'rather then saw'? Because I'm pretty sure she would hear someone 'stalking' past her.) Alex stalk past Riley and into the second bedroom. After a moment, Riley followed her, presumably to move his things. As soon as he was through the doorway I grabbed my bags and dragged them into what was now mine and Riley’s room.

I sat on the edge of the bed, and was relieved to find that the sheets weren’t nearly as filthy as the carpet. (How did she find that out? did she lift up the comforter and check? Or are the sheets on top of the bed?) I flicked on the small television set that sat on a dresser at the end of the bed, desperate to be distracted from where my thoughts would inevitably lead if they were left free to wander. I idly watched a repeat of The Simpsons, trying to focus on the characters instead of all the things I couldn’t afford to think about.

As the end credits ran, Riley walked into the room carrying an armful of food, followed closely by Aaron and Alex, both of whom were also loaded up with packaged goods.

I got up from where I sat as they moved to a tiny cramped table to the side of the room and piled their stashes into a small mountain in the center of it. They all started digging enthusiastically into the food in front of them and Aaron motioned for me to sit in the seat between him and Alex. I sat down awkwardly, trying to ignore Alex’s furious glare.

“Help yourself,” Aaron said around a mouthful of what looked like a chicken and mayonnaise sandwich. I looked down at the large pile of sandwiches and packaged foods in the centre of the table, and my stomach rumbled loudly in anticipation, reminding me once again of how many hours it was since I’d last eaten.

We ate in silence (Silence would suggest that there were no sounds of chewing wrappers crinkling, etc.), and I was relentlessly aware of Alex’s glare as she stared at me over her dinner. I shovelled down as much food as I could eat in the space of a few minutes, feeling more unwanted at each passing second I spent in her presence.

When I was finished, I got up from the table and moved back to sit on the bed, wishing there was somewhere else I could escape to. I flicked the television back on and watched the flickering colours more than the actual pictures, hoping that the others would leave.

I glanced over at the table and saw the three of them huddled together, locked in a hushed conversation. I strained to catch some of their exchange but after a moment decided that I probably didn’t want to know what they were talking about. I stared at Alex -- who seemed to have forgotten about hating me for a moment -- speaking animatedly to Riley and Aaron, and I was struck by something I hadn’t realised before when she’d been expending all her time and energy on making me feel unwelcome.

Underneath her faintly sickly pallor and gaunt features, she was beautiful. I stared at her in shock, amazed at how different she looked when her face wasn’t twisted in anger.

More shocking was how natural Riley looked next to her and Aaron, all three of them with perfect porcelain features and blue eyes. I’d never really thought of Riley as handsome or even good looking, but it struck me suddenly that he was just as beautiful as Alex. I gaped at the three of them, a sudden realisation hitting me.

They were all the same.

I realised now that it was obvious, but I’d been too wrapped up in trying not to think about what Riley had told me to see what right in front of my eyes – Alex and Aaron were both Nephilim, too. I’d known that they were somehow a part of Riley’s whole mythical world, but I hadn’t connected the dots. I watched them in the light of my new revelation and the same two words kept repeating themselves in my mind.

Not human. Not human. Not human.

The thoughts about Riley I’d been trying to keep at bay all day suddenly came crashing down upon me, threatening to crush me with their weight.

They were all staring back at me now and I realised that my breaths were coming in short bursts and my eyes were wide as I watched them. I stumbled backwards off the bed, fumbling for the doorhandle before any of them had even left their chairs. The last thing I was saw before I pulled the door closed behind me was Alex watching me with an amused expression, a small smile pulling up the corners of her mouth.

I stood in the dank hallway outside our rooms and realised that there was no where I could run to, and worst of all, it would probably only be a few moments before all three of them were standing out there with me.

I leant against the wall by the doorway and dragged a couple of deep breaths into my protesting lungs, trying to shove this new realisation behind my crumbling walls of self control where I could deal with it later. The doorhandle began to turn and my heart threatened to break through my ribcage, and I was thankful when only Riley stepped through the now open doorway, shutting it quietly behind him.

Riley stood staring at my face with his hands held out in front of him, palms facing towards me as if to say ‘I come in peace,’ but he didn’t try to move any closer. I watched him from where I stood, fighting to think of him only as my best friend and nothing else. He took a slow step towards me and I cringed back against the wall, a dark and unfamiliar part of me wanting to scream at him to leave me alone.

Riley would never hurt me.

The truth was there, but it was covered deep under layers upon layers of doubt and mistrust, two things I had never experienced when it came to my best friend. My entire friendship with him suddenly felt like a lie, built on a fake image of himself that he projected for the unknowing world.

This man standing before me couldn’t be my Riley, the child I’d met so many years ago. My Riley would never lie to me about who he really was.

My Riley was… human.

Each unwelcome and unwanted thought felt like a hand squeezing at my heart, reminding me how wrong and terrible it was to think this way about my best friend, but try as I might, these hateful thoughts refused to be ignored.

I looked back up at Riley, and my heart plummeted at the hurt he didn’t even try to keep off his face. My arms yearned to curl around him and tell him that he would always be just Riley to me, my very best friend in the world, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I opened my mouth to try and justify what I was doing, the pain I knew I was causing him, but my lips wouldn’t form the words I wanted them to.

“Please just leave me alone.” My voice was cold – unrecognisable even to my own ears – but as hard as I tried, I just couldn’t force myself to take a single step towards him.

His face crumpled and he turned away, pain etched into every line of his body as he opened the door to our room before walking in and closing it behind him. Moments later he was walking back out and into the other room, followed by Alex and Aaron. Alex was wearing a smug smile, and as she passed me my fists balled subconsciously by my sides, a sudden desperate urge to lash out at her almost overpowering me.

Aaron looked at me quickly, his eyes meeting mine and somehow conveying… understanding. I realised that I didn’t feel the same way towards him as I did to Riley and Alex; his Angelic heritage seemed somehow natural on him. I knew how unfair I was being to Riley, but I couldn’t change my feelings. My lips curved slightly upwards in the semblance of a smile as I tried to show him that I was grateful for his acceptance of my behaviour. He tipped his head in acknowledgment and I was suddenly overwhelmingly glad for his calming neutral presence.

When they were all back in Alex and Aaron’s room I walked back into mine, wondering hopelessly what I could do. Leaving that night was out of the question, but I didn’t know how I could stand being around Riley for a second longer; every moment these unforgivable thoughts ran through my head felt like the ultimate betrayal, and having to be near him while I thought them made it a thousand times worse.

I stared into the tiny room and resignedly accepted that I would have to spend at least one night in the company of Riley and his friends and flicked the light off, stumbling straight to the bed. I crawled under the covers and curled into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest and trying unsuccessfully to pretend that I was at home in my own bedroom.

All the unwanted thoughts I’d managed to keep locked away behind my walls of self control began to leak into my consciousness now that there was nothing to distract me from them. I stared unseeingly at the ceiling as wave after wave of emotion came crashing down on me, trying to suffocate me. I pulled my knees tighter under my chin and fought to stifle the sobs that were ripping themselves from my chest as I tried to come to terms with a hundred different things I’d never thought I’d have to deal with. Not the least of these was the overwhelming realisation that I didn’t know my best friend.

All the things Riley had said in my room were playing over and over in my mind, all the things I had never wanted to find out. I whimpered as my memory dragged up the still too fresh image of Malachi’s face, and the terrifying growl that had ripped from his throat as he rounded on me, his face twisted with rage. I wished desperately that I could just fall asleep and wake up in my own bed, far away from this strange and mythical world.

I was still crying hours later when I heard Riley come into the room. I gasped, trying to suffocate my sobs, horrified at his seeing me like this. A large part of me whispered that it didn’t matter; that after the way I’d treated him earlier, it was irrelevant how he saw me anymore. But I couldn’t suppress the knowing that his seeing me this way would just hurt him further, and that thought just served to make my sobs louder and more apparent.

I could see him standing in the doorway, the pain and indecision in his expression obvious even in the dim light from the hallway. He took a cautious step forward, clearly unsure of how I would react.

“Bekah…”

I turned away so that I wouldn’t have to see the pain I was causing him. I could feel his hesitation as he stood frozen across the room, and my heart threatened to tear itself in two. A large and ugly part of me was screaming silently at him to leave me alone, and a smaller weaker one was begging him to forgive me. It took all of my strength to keep the larger, hurtful side of me silent.

I heard his soft footfall as he crossed the room and had to drive my teeth into my cheek to stop from turning around and screaming at him to stay away. I knew he was standing by the side of the bed now, and my sobs began to escalate towards hysteria. I felt the careful touch of his hand on my arm and jerked away from him, desperate to escape his touch.

“Please…” the hurt and distress in his voice momentarily subdued my uglier side as my need to comfort him overpowered the desire to lash out. For a fleeting second he was just my best friend in the whole world, hurting because of me.

“Riley.” His name pushed itself through my sobs, my sudden overwhelming grief becoming the most powerful force in my body.

Then his arms were lifting me from where I lay, wrapping themselves securely around my frame as he sat beside me on the bed, and my darker side came back with a vengeance. I struggled against his grip, all my previous horror returning tenfold. I tried to cry out when his hold on me didn’t slacken, but my sobs threatened to rip my lungs apart. I pushed at his arms, frantic to escape him.

Abruptly I became aware of a second noise, deeper than my own sobs, but filled with an even heavier sorrow. My entire body went limp, the sound of Riley’s pain filling my head, draining all the fear and anger from my body. In all the time I’d known Riley I had never once seen him cry, and I was appalled that I had caused this.

I realised that I’d been so willing to believe that Riley was somehow a different person because of what he was, and that I was losing my best friend because of it. It was suddenly blindingly obvious that this Riley was the same one I’d met years ago, the same person who had saved me from years of loneliness. My best friend. I was just more aware of who he was now.

“Riley, oh God. I’m so sorry.” I tried to turn towards him, but his arms were still locked rigidly around my frame. He was silent now, but his entire body shook intermittently. Tears continued to stream down my face, but for a new reason. My heart smashed painfully against my ribcage at each tremor that ran through Riley’s body, and every fibre of my being wished desperately to take back all of my actions, anything to make things how they used to be. So much had changed in the course of one day.

I waited in Riley’s arms for him to say something, do something. The silence was killing me. Finally I felt his body relax and a final sob escaped my lips as I knew the worst was over



Note: This review is meant to be helpful. All comments and suggestions are only opinions and are to be taken however you see fit. In the end the author knows best.

Great job! Let me know when you get the next chapter up. BTW I happen to have just posted a new chapter if you don't mind taking a look:
 Chapter Five: Familiar Stranger Open in new Window. (13+)
The announcement arrives, and Crystal sees a familiar stranger in mysterious places.
#1533387 by Grace Author IconMail Icon


All the best,
Gracelin *Smile*

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Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi! I noticed your story on the "Read a Newbie' page and thought I'd give you my thoughts.

Title: "Immortal Love (Chapter 1)Open in new Window.

Chapter: Chapter one

Author:
vampchick4lyfe

Plot: Obviously a love story, and in this chapter we meet the object of Rachel's affections. There are hints to the inhuman charastices to him and his friends. I'm thinkin' vampire. The main thing I get from this chapter is the need to know more about Kyle and what made him run away so suddenly. There's no potiental danger in this part so I'd like to see something that makes me feel a little more then curiousity to move on.

Scene: I couldn't ever really picture the surroundings, there just wasn't enough detail. Also you just told me every thing. I couldn't see it for myself. But I liked how you started off with the dialogue between Rachel and Summer. It quickly established that they were best friends heading a challenge together.

Characters: Good, Rachel and Summer are real, however I'd like to see a little more description of them. Mostly you focus on the others around them.

Grammar: I've noted a few missing comma's.

Overall: I thought it was great! The story sounds interesting and I'd like to know more. I would suggest more description, less telling, and a little more of a hook at the end of the chapter and you'd be on your way!

Line-by-Line:


Chapter 1(The teal blue that you chose for your story is hard on the eyes and makes this difficult to read. Consider leaving it traditional black?)

“I don’t think I can do this…” I told Summer softly, (I'd suggest a complete stop here and then you can continue with the description. This would also be a great place to add more detail. What is Rachel seeing on the campus?) looking out at the rolling green campus before me.

“You’ll be fine Rachel. Besides, it’s just like being in high school, only the people are a bit older.” She reassured me softly. (I like the dialogue you have but adding some info on how the characters are moving would help the come alive. Are they standing in a parking lot? Walking towards campus?)

“No, I can’t do this. Let’s just go back to our school and forget all about this.” I answered quickly, gripping her arm tightly.

“You have to do this Rachel. If we go back to that high school, everyone’s going to know that the great Rachel Black chickened out. Is that really what you want, to go from being the most popular girl in the whole solar system, to being someone that’s known to be afraid?” she murmured (This is alot of dialogue to murmur and it doesn't seem to fit right. It sounds more like she's trying to convince her friend so shouldn't her voice be stronger?), tugging me gently to a stop.(Ah, so they were walking.)

“Do you need help with something?” a strange (How was it strange? Was it high/ low? Sqeaky?) female voice asked from just behind us.

Turning slowly, we came face to face with a female (This repeats with the line before, consider 'woman'.) whose face would make all the goddesses weep with envy. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, with tendrils framing her features like a frame ('framing' would be like a frame.). From where I was standing, I could vaguely see the pink streaked wildly throughout its her golden waves. The most intriguing thing about her however, was her dark lilac (Lilac is a pale color. I fit were dark it would become a different color entirely. How about deep 'violet'?) colored eyes.

“Actually, we do. We’re taking some classes here for extra credits, and we’re not entirely sure where to go.” Summer answered without hesitation.

“I’m supposed to be starting here today too...maybe we can hang out together before class, what time do your classes start?” she asked.

“We start at two, but figured it would be better to come earlier that way we’d know what was going on.” I told her, quickly regaining my voice. (When did she lose it?)

“That’s when I start to…we should hang out until then. I can introduce you to a few people that I know here, that way you’ll at least know a few people, (I don't think this line is necessary.) and we can figure out where our classes are together.” She stated simply, her eyes glowing.

I couldn’t help but think that the glow looked supernatural, like something not quite human, and it intriguedcomma as well as scared me.

“Sure, I’m up for it…I’m Rachel by the way, and this is Summer.” I answered smiling reassuringly. (Reasurringly at Summer? At Arial? Was she trying to reasure herself?)

“I’m Arial.” She offered, moving in between Summer and me.

Some deep part of me wondered if that was how it was going to end up, Summer and me, each our own person, separated by some unknown force. No longer the duo that we’d been since the day we met.

“If you’re just starting here today, how do you know so many people that go here?” I asked suspiciously, as Arial waved to a couple of students walking in the opposite direction.

“Oh, my brother goes to school here. He’s a sophomore…that’s who we’re going to meet right now.” She answered, leading us down a narrow dirt road that cut off the campus, toward a looming building that stood on the edge of the woods.

When we got to the dorm building, she led us up the steps, through twisting hallways and corridors that never seemed to end, until she finally reached a door at the far end of the building, away from the rest of the rooms.

“Open the door Aiden!” she yelled, pounding on the door. it.

“Chill the hell out…” a male voice screamed ('screamed' doesn't sound right here. Guys don't usually 'scream' unless their in pain or something really dramatic like that. How about 'shout'?) back, and the door swung open, revealing a stunning male figure.

He looked to be about six foot five, with golden hair that fell disobediently around his perfectly sculpted face, and was streaked with dark red coloring. His steel colored eyes darted quickly down the hallway, before he finally opened the door. He smiled slowly when he saw me and Summer, making the lip ring in the right corner of his mouth gleam in the dim sunlight filtering through the window.

“Who are your friendscomma Arial?” another female voice questioned from our right.

Turning, I saw that we were not alone in the room. Two other people, a male and a female, sat idly on the couch that occupied the middle of the room. For some apparent reason, I hadn’t noticed them coming into the room.(This is getting scary. Where all thest people coming from?)

The female, much like Arial, was astoundingly beautiful, with hair the color of the midnight sky, which was streaked with a wild blue (instead of a color that you can't describe, think of one you can. Neon blue, sky blue, etc.) color that I couldn’t name. Her eyes were a magnificent swirl of colors, ranging from a soft gray color, to a bright wine ('bright' and 'wine' don' t really go together. Wine is dark if it's red, so it can't be red. How about 'scarlet'?) red. As she turned her head to get a better look at us, the five gold hoops in her left ear caught the sunlight, as did the six gold hoops in her right ear, making them gleam brightly. (I don't think the sunlight could touch both sides of her head at the same time, unless she was shacking her head?)

When my eyes landed on the last person in the room, my breath caught in my throat, and I was unable to look away. The eyes staring back at me were an unnatural pale blue; one covered perfectly by hair as black as a raven’s feathers, with streaks as brilliant as blood. His face was so perfectly sculpted, that not even the highest gods could hope to compete with its beauty, no sculptor talented enough to portray such flawless features. When he smiled, the lip ring in the center of his lip glinted seductively, and when he turned his head, the seven gold hoops in his left ear cast a golden glow (Consider 'glittered'. I don't think a few hoops would 'shine' on the wall. Also, I know you're trying to bring attention to their piercings but repeatedly having the sun glint off of them is a little overdone. You could just say that she noticed them?)along a small portion of the wall.

“Rachel, Summer…meet Kyle and Kamille, our best friends. And this is my brother…Aiden.” Arial announced, gesturing at the three other people occupying the room. (what does the room looking like? Just a little detail would be good.)

“You should have told us that you were bringing guests, it would’ve given us time to get fully dressed.” Kyle replied standing up. (Did you ever mention he was sitting down?)

It was then that I noticed he didn’t have a shirt on, and I couldn’t help but stare at the way the hard muscles of his stomach looked in the light. Glancing at Summer out of the corner of my eye, I saw that she was staring at Aiden in a similar way. (was Aiden also not wearing a shirt?)

“Shut upcomma Kyle.” Arial said, staring at him in the admiring way that you’d stare at an older brother. (You're telling here, Try to mostly show. Arial smiled teasingly at him and he rolled his eyes, obviously they had known each other for a long time.)

Kyle smiled fondly at her, before turning his gaze back to me, a strange expression on his face. (This is rather sudden. How about; he caught my gaze, for a moment I fell in.) For a mere moment, I had the strange impression that he was looking deep into my mind, sifting through the untouched memories that sat in its dark recesses. Then suddenly, that moment was gone and he smiled warmly, making his face seem even more transcendent than it had previously.

“Sorry, we didn’t mean to intrude.comma” Summer stuttered, (Instead of just saying she stuttered, try showing it in the dialogue: "I'm-sorry . . . we didn't mean to intrude,") eyes still on Aiden.

“What makes you think you were intruding?” at the sound of Kyle’s voice, my heart skipped a beat.

His voice was a raging fire (makes it sound like he's mad), searing my ears with every word he spoke.

“I don’t know, I guess I just had a feeling that we were intruding.” She answered slowly, and I could tell that his voice had a similar, less strong effect on her. (Again, telling. How could she tell that it had a similar affect? You could show Summer blushing or staring at her feet. Also I wouldn't add that it was a 'less strong affect'. How would Rachel know?)

“You weren’t intruding…we’re glad to have you here.” Aiden’s voice was smooth and velvety, but it was a mere ember compared to Kyle’s, and yet like Kyle’s had with me, it managed to trap Summer, holding her captive within its silky folds.

“And we’re glad to be here.” I told them all foolishly before I could stop myself.

Kyle’s answering smile was one of amusement, but I could detect the bewilderment that lay just beneath the surface of it. (How did you detect the bewilderment, were his eyes wide?) For some reason, that smile made me feel more ingenuous than I’d ever felt in my life, and the smile quickly disappeared from his face, as if he somehow he knew this. (This paragraph is mostly telling try and change it up to show)

“You’re definitely not intruding.” Kyle said, eyes moving slowly over my body.

“Kyle…” Kamille’s voice was strong and firm, as if she were warning him about something.

He glanced over at her, and before I knew what had happened, was out the door in mere seconds. Some message had been passed between the two of them, and yet they hadn’t said anything at all. (It's obvious that a message was passed between them, this line isn't necessary.)

“I’d better go check on him.” Aiden announced unexpectedly, breaking the spell that had so entranced Summer.

“Good idea…knowing him, he’s probably already gotten into trouble.” Arial laughed, a sweet tinkling sound, like music.

“How old are you guys?” I asked softly.

Kamille and Arial looked at each other, as if they weren’t quite sure how to answer that. {c;red}And once again I got the impression that they weren’t quite human, but some beautiful unknown creature that hid deep within the recesses of our community. (I think you may be giving too much away here. The fact that they're unsure about how to answer a simple question like 'how old are you' is good evidence that something is not quite right about them.)

“We’re both 17, and the guys are 19.” Kamille answered after a few heartbeats of silence.

“We’d better get to class, don’t want to be late on our first day.” Arial murmured, ushering us quickly out the door. (This is a good use of showing how nervous Arial is.)

“I don’t know what the f*** happened…” Kyle’s angry voice floated to us from just around the corner.

“Shhh…we’re not alone anymore.” Aiden whispered mellifluously, bringing Kyle to an abrupt halt in conversation.

“We were just leaving.” Arial told them softly; meanwhile I was still trying to decipher what we’d just heard.

“Hope to see you around.” Kyle replied, looking directly into my eyes.

“You can count on it.” I answered, my old flirty charm coming back in an instant. (I didn't realize she had a flirty self, this didn't come across before this.)

His eyes held mine for a moment, and I felt myself falling under their spell for the second time that day.

“We’ll be watching.” Aiden joked, {c;red}but to my ears, it sounded more like a warning than it did a joke. (telling. You could say there was an edge to his voice when he spoke, his eyes glinting. Something like that. All of my suggestions are off the top of my head, I'm sure you can think of something better.)

“Bye…” Arial said shortly, her voice holding the same warning that Kamille’s had earlier.


Note: This review is meant to be helpful. All comments and suggestions are only opinions
and are to be taken however you see fit. In the end the author knows best.


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10
10
Review of Hopes and Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! Great job!

I thought you did a great job of bringing this girl from fear to excitment. And the bit where she was worried about suffocating her baby by not breathing was very realistic.

The only problem I had was I didn't realize that she actually lived with James 'til she got home and he wasn't there. I thought she was a teenager at first and slowly as the story moved on she got older in my mind.

Also I thought this bit could be smoother;

freshly cut grass take took me momentarily back to my childhood.

Thats only a suggestion.

Well done! Best wishes on future work.

Grace.
11
11
Review of Contest Entry  Open in new Window.
Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I found your prologue in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. and wanted to share my opinion.

A very good start to a novel, certainly gets the reader interested even though it's short.

Here are a few mistakes I noticed:

She knew before she even arrived at the scene that it would be another woman, and that she’d have beenYou got your tenses mixed up. You say she 'would have been' beaten up, which would mean that she hadn't been. How about: She would be beaten to deathcommaIt infuriated her when the calls came though.through

All the department knew for sure iswas that he found them in chat rooms.

If herethere was one thing Cassie knew for sure, it was that trusting strangers on the Internet wasn’t a good idea!


Great beginning! Looking forward to reading more!

Good luck with the contest!

Grace.





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Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

To start I liked your descriptions, you have a way with words and I could really feel the emotion in the story. Good job!

Here are a few things I think need correcting;

This time we were both stood in a forest,
I think you should take out 'were'.

eternal happiness before my very eyes Add 'my'.

Something I think that would help this story would be to add a little backround on the relationship, are they together? Or is she a crush he has? Only a suggestion.

All and all I thought it was a sweet story.

Best of luck on your future writing.

Sincerely, Grace.

13
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Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, here's a few opinions I have of your story.

First I thought the way you started it was nice, and you described a Texas sunset beautifully.

I also like the way you intreduse Nanny, by having the main character remember some words of wisdom she had once told her. You also quickly make Nannay seem real even though she isn't actually in the story.

Whats good about this part also is that you outlined the passed events right away so that I'm wasn't trying to figure out what was going on, I learned as I read.

Some things I didn't like;

You haven't given away the main characters name (or maybe I just missed it) as a reader that's something I'd like to know pretty qickly.

And once I'd finished reading this piece I realized that I had no idea what was gonna happen. There's nothing in this to point to the future, what exactly is the characters goals? To be independent and have a ranch of her own? To bridge the gap between herself and her father? I just feel there should be a little more information on the aspect of your story.

Over all I think this is well written, and please remember that these are just my opinions.

Sincerely,

Grace.
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Review by Grace Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Very original. But I think I would have played with it more made it a little more funny. And maybe have Malfoy there too.
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