Escape Artist
Hello Escape Artist 
Congratulations on being the winning bid on my Novel package at "Genre Auction and Fundraiser"  ! I’m so excited to review your work 
This is for "Threads in the Tapestry" , Chapter "Dead Soldiers" .
 OVERALL IMPRESSION:
You have created very rich characters and environments over the course of 3 distinct chapters. You have great detail, great emotion, and amazing imagery. You are consistent throughout all 3 chapters with this level of description. I am highly impressed. I feel like I understand Sam, Vit, and Redman well: their interior thoughts, what drives them, their pasts, their current fears. I really want to meet the rest of the unit! These are some tough men, though they have serious things to overcome, the past and their current ages among them. The con to this is that, at times, I feel you have *too much* detail. Comparing the Vit chapter the Redman chapter, I like the latter better. It’s shorter, but I don’t feel like I understand the environment any less than I do in Vit’s chapter. I’ll try to enumerate below and in the next 2 reviews.
You have an impressive vocabulary that you use extremely effectively. I had to look up some words!  I’m in awe, honestly.
SOME GENERAL SUGGESTIONS:
Compound Modifiers - One of the consistent issues I’ve found throughout all three chapters is your use of descriptions that should be hyphenated. There are many instances where you use them correctly, but also just as many where you don’t (no, I didn’t actually count them - this is a guesstimate). I’ll point these out below. But, here’s the thing: once you see where all of these are, and you add them you your already hyphen-laden chapters, I think you’ll find there will be way too many hyphens, which will break the flow. I suspect you’ve used these to avoid extra words…and I think they work really well. But too many of them are probably worse than a few extra prepositional phrases. Anyhow, keep it in mind as you go through the reviews. We can discuss more, and I might even have other suggestions as I run through all the details below.
Sentence structure - for the most part, your sentences are grammatically correct. Also, for the most part, your sentences are long. I think that’s due to your incredible attention to detail and also your need to explain a lot of both the characters’ history and the military background. I’m not one to think you need to simplify content/structure just to do so, but I think in some instances shorter sentences will facilitate understanding. I’ll note those places below. I think your sentence structure plays a large role in the flow and description of your chapters, and I think the overall flow is smooth and easy, so I’ll only point out spots where things seem to be confusing.
 THE SPECIFICS: Keep in mind these are my opinions - I’m not a professional, just a person who loves to read. Even though I have suggestions, it’s YOUR work and my ideas might not work for you, which is ok. I only provide suggestions to give you some ideas to jump off of (it’s what I like to get when I get reviews, so I write my reviews that way as well.) I will quote your work in blue and put my notes in black after an equals sign “=“.
Colonel Samuel Remy reclined in his handmade Italian chair, eying a half empty Budweiser long neck teetering on the edge of his desk. = Here’s a needed hyphen: “half-empty” because both those words combined modify “bottle.” If you had said "bottle half empty", there is no hyphen. It’s all in the placement. <shrug> Also, “long neck” should be one word. I like how this chapter drops the reader right into Sam’s life, mid-drink. I get a good picture with the first few words and you continue to expound upon that throughout the next several paragraphs. Great job!
He reached for the bottle, drained it, then tossed it into a dark corner, receiving a hollow clank as it landed in a trash can already sprouting an amber forest of empties. = Nice imagery. This shows the reader that he’s been drinking for some time, which is much better than telling us he’s been drinking for some time
"Another dead soldier,” = I like this. Funny thing - I just heard this term for the first time a few months ago. It’s very apropos here, with a double meaning, considering his history, recently dead friend, and I can only suppose a bit of foreshadowing for future chapters.
precision weighted crystal = “precision-weighted” with a hyphen.
The chair's smooth leather fit Sam's form like a baseball in a well-used glove. His left foot rested on the edge of a solid Egyptian ebony desk carved with intricate cartouches depicting the dynasties of the Pharaohs. = Nice!
The desk had been a gift from President Anwar Sadat only a month before his assassination, a job Sam had declined. = First, I found this confusing. You don’t mention “job offer” or anything and it was a “gift,” so the last phrase doesn’t make any sense. I think you can nix that part without issue. Second, I love how “gift from Sedat" was casually tossed in - it’s very informative about who Sam is and his specific line of work.
Sam took a long puff on the well-chewed stogie protruding like a cancerous appendage from the corner of his mouth. = Nice.
The sudden singe of heat caused him to pluck the stub from his lips and drop it into the tumbler. Immediately aware of the unnatural void, he fished out the stub, squeezed it a bit, and returned it to its rightful place, grimacing at the new taste. = This is very detailed, but I don’t see how it’s furthering the story. I love the rest of the paragraph, though.
The inside lid bore a hand-written inscription: Sam. These are my brother's finest from the upper island plantation. Enjoy. Fidel. = This *really* hammers home who Sam is and what he’s done in his past Well done!
Faces coalesced, his old team moving through … = Great paragraph. I can envision the setting very well. I love that the medieval walls ooze the past. Great visuals!
"Stop staring at me or I'll kill you again you murdering bastard,” = Comma after “again”
Sam wheezed through clinched teeth = Do you mean “clenched” here?
He took a silent breath and exhaled in an effort to stem the errant rush of adrenaline, his sudden outburst breaking a personal imperative, never show emotion. = This feels clunky. I suggest: “…the errant rush of adrenaline. His sudden outburst broke a personal imperative to never show emotion.”
Whether they were natural born killers, = Hyphenate “natural-born”
Yet, for some reason he had just lost his cool, his Zen. = Add a comma after “reason”
His active-sonar was pinging and he didn't know why, only that something wasn't right. = First, I don’t know if “active-sonar” is a military term, but it seems to me it should not be hyphenated. Also, I suggest: “…and he didn’t know why. Something wasn’t right.” or even “Something just wasn’t right.” This is an example of a longer, more complicated sentence that I feel is just too cumbersome and it can be easily simplified. Making the second part it’s own sentence also gives it more emphasis. Alternatively, a semi-colon would work too: “…didn’t know why; something wasn’t right.” though I’m not so sure I like that suggestion.
A child cried in the distance, not a normal sob of disappointment, but a mournful wail full of fear and pain dissolving into a haunting echo. = Here’s another place where I feel 2 sentences will work better than the one. End sentence at “distance,” then start the new one with something like “It wasn’t a norma sob of….” Also, I think “mournful wail full of fear” feels redundant (and full of Fs!). What about “mournful wail of fear and pain…” The imagery here is haunting and very well done.
Did it come from another level, or out in the street? = I’m not sure this is needed. It kinda broke my visual of the scene as I wondered where it could come from and what another level or the street would look like.
He moved through the ancient bastille like a silent Nosferatu, = Just a note: I did not understand the reference. I had to look it up. (That’s not necessarily a bad thing.)
disturbed motes of dust the only evidence of his passage. = Nice!
Elongated rods of darkness, cast by an iron barred window, flowed across the floor and up the wall, bathing the sleeping man's torso in striations of light and dark. 1. Hyphen needed in “iron-barred.” 2. Lots going on in this one sentence. See if you can break it up a bit. I *think* you do not need the commas after “darkness” and “window.” Once you remove those, the sentence might work ok. Or, maybe something like “A sleeping man’s torso was bathed by elongated rods of light and dark from the iron-barred window.”
Sam's grease-painted visage emerged from the shadow and leaned over, poised, studying every nuance in the sleeping man's face, making sure. = Here is another long, comma-filled sentence. One suggestion: end the sentence at “shadow” and start a new one with “He leaned over, studying every nuance….” I’m not sure what he’s “making sure” of here, though. Making sure the guy was really asleep? At first I thought dead, but that didn’t make sense here, at least not yet since no action had taken place.
The man’s eyes moved under pallid lids [snip] up to no good. = Nice paragraph. This flows well and has varied sentence length.
A child's cry once again reverberated t...the veins on his neck pulse with every heartbeat. = This feels redundant. At this point I’m waiting for the action to start, which it does in the next paragraph. Suggest you take this out.
A rush of air, in-sync with the glint of metal, disturbed the serenity. The man opened his eyes… = I’m not so sure about the air and the glint of metal together. I think it might have more impact like this: “A rush of air disturbed the serenity” (it’s a sudden action, and the short sentence without commas makes a stronger impact, IMHO). Then, since I think the glint of metal is important, maybe it can reflect in the man’s open eyes?
His tongue quivered, and then relaxed, his expression of horror becoming frozen in time. = Just an idea: remove “and then relaxed” which would simplify this sentence, improve flow, but not lose meaning since the next sentence says "Not a muscle moved…”
Four minutes and twelve seconds had passed since entering the building—time to go. = Recommend making “time to go” it’s own sentence.
{c:lblue laid his calling card on the dead general's forehead—an image of the grim reaper. Scrawled across the bottom were the words—I love my job. = Love this!
The memory faded. It always did. Ten long years… = I like these two short sentences in sequence followed by a longer one.
had passed, but the excitement of the stalk, the adrenaline rush… = Well done. One nit - I don’t like “stalk” even though I know what you mean. It brings up the image of a beanstalk to me. Maybe use the typical “hunt” instead?
Sam caressed the stump of his right leg, also a memory, a phantom sensation at the end of his knee. = What about taking out “also a memory” and possibly adding in “only”. You could then remove one of the commas (keep the one after leg, but no comma would be needed after the new “only”). The next few sentences have lots of commas too, so I’m just thinking of where they can be eliminated.
amazing, one-off prototype of experimental Nano-hydraulic technology. = This is cool. Lots of info here and it’s very succinct. Well done.
Its ballistic skin, texture and coloration… = I’m an Oxford Comma girl, so I’m going to point out that you need one after “texture” Your choice, of course.
Sam Remy was a sinuous rope of a man with close-cropped… = Add “a” before “close-cropped”
Three telephones sat on Sam's desk, one red, one white, and one black. = Good spot for a colon (after “desk", since you have a list).
until two weeks ago when his aircraft assembly plant shutdown = “shut down” should be two words here.
and fell into eerie silence. = This is good imagery, but I don’t know that it’s needed here, since we never go to the plant and don’t need a first-hand picture of it. Removing this phrase will shorten the sentence and thus improve flow, IMO.
The waiting had been… = What waiting? Was he really waiting for the red phone to ring? And, really, is that stressful enough to cause a spiral into old memories? Maybe he’s upset about the closure of his plant?
adrenaline pumping memories = “adrenaline-pumping” should be hyphenated.
were once again surfacing. = Suggest : “resurfacing” instead of “once again surfacing” just to make it a little more to-the-point.
Reliving a dangerous and vibrant time in his life had not only tweaked his self-control, but had morphed into confusion, not a good thing, not for Sam Remy who was losing himself in an alcoholic haze. = I don’t understand what “confusion” you’re referring to here. I also think you need to be more clear about the “self-control” you’re referring to, which I’m assuming is the drinking too much part of his life right now. Additionally, this sentence is long and confusing. Assuming you leave it as-is, I suggest you end it at “confusion” then a new sentence with the “good thing” part, though I can’t find a construction I like while keeping the wording as you have it. What about changing it around a bit? “Sam Remy was losing himself in an alcoholic haze due to reliving that dangerous and lurid time in his life. Confused and with little self-control, he was aching to kill again. Years had passed since he’d ended the life of another human, but those long-dormant skills were bubbling up, plunging his mind into a dark place.” I tried to use your existing words and just shuffle it up a little. What do you think?
He was on unfamiliar ground—a problematic situation for those blurring his line of sight. = Who is “those” in this sentence? I don’t understand. What “unfamiliar ground” is he on? Drunk? Bored? Depressed? Honestly, I think if you end with the “dark place,” you’ll be good. This extra sentence isn’t needed.
A phone rang, bringing Sam back to the moment. The sound was so surprising he found himself staring at all three phones before realizing the red phone was the one blinking. The red phone blinking refused to click in his addled brain. When it rang again, he jumped, followed by an irrational urge to stand at attention. = There’s a lot of repetition in this paragraph. Suggestion: "A phone rang. Sam fought the irrational urge to stand at attention. He stared in a daze at all three phones until he realized the red phone was the one blinking.” That’s a little rough, but I think gets the same points across.
His Casio read—12:20 a.m. = No dash needed here. Also, since he’s a military man, won’t he use 24 hour time??
"What the…” = This feels superfluous to me.
The red phone continued to ring while Sam gathered his composure. Although geared for surprise, this was unexpected, and untimely. = Suggest you take out “the phone continued to ring” and just start with “Sam gathered his composure. This was unexpected and untimely.” I don’t understand “although geared for surprise”. Are you suggesting that Sam is so highly trained that he shouldn’t lose his wits when surprised? I think you’ve demonstrated the whole “surprise”ness of the thing really well, with his urge to stand at attention, so It think you can take out the surprise statement altogether.
... his supernatural ability to pull the strings of powerful men, and now, after years of silence, the great Oz wanted to talk to Sam? = Suggest two sentences:”…his supernatural ability to pull the strings of powerful men. After years of silence, the great Oz wanted to talk to Sam?” because of flow and “now” is implied.
The first thing he recognized was the background sound coming through the receiver. The steady thump, thump, thump of a helicopter in flight, not the standard two-seater's that flitted around the base like angry bumblebees, but a large, heavy lift unit, its twin turbofan engines powering massive rotors. = Recommend removing “the first thing he recognized” since, as it’s written, it is obvious it’s the first thing he recognizes Maybe something like “The background sound coming through the receiver was a steady thump, thump, thump of a helicopter in flight. Not the standard two-seaters that flitted around the base like angry bumblebees, but a large, heavy-lift unit with it’s twin…” Note that I think heavy-lift is hyphenated, though you’d know the military terms better than I. I also added “with” to get rid of another comma since you already have two in this sentence.
a boozy, Macanudo hushed voice… = Add a hyphen to “Macanudo-hushed”
that had acid-etched itself into Sam's subconscious… = Since you have Macanduo-hushed above, what do you think of “…had etched itself like acid into Sam’s sub…”?
Even though he had not talked to the man for many years, the power of his persona came through the tiny speakerphone like the snap of a bullwhip. = Nice!
I'm coming over to see you, should be there in five. Something's come up and we need to talk face-to-face. Don't you just love this spur-of-the-moment crap?” = I’m thinking he’d be using much more clipped sentences, being a higher-up military guy. What about “I’m coming to see you. Be there in five. Don’t you just love this spur-…” I think the “something’s come up” and “face-to-face” part can go unsaid. He wouldn’t be coming over at 12:20 (oh, sorry, 0020 hours) if this wasn’t the case, right?
"Not a problem. I'll be waiting.” = Also, back to military speak…wouldn’t he just reply “Yes, Sir” as a reflex?
Sam grabbed his prosthesis and attached it to his stub with a slight hiss of vacuum. = Good imagery!
He stood and looked around, his eyes moving from the half-empty bottle of Johnnie Walker on the desk to the trashcan full of tall boys in the corner. = Suggest taking out the “looked around part” to read “He stood. His eyes moved from the half-empty….” This will get rid of another comma and simplify the wording.
He sighed, scratched his two-day stubble, bit down on his bourbon-soaked Cuban, and summed up the situation with a single word. = Another suggested simplification: “Sighing, he scratched his ….” And, if you take my advice of removing the part where he drops his cigar into his drink, take out “bourbon-soaked” as well.
A one-inch thick slab of polycarbonate recessed into the reinforced blast-wall allowed the outside world into Sam's living quarters. = I know this is informative and very helpful in understanding more about Sam and his Life, but it’s very complicated to follow. Possibly this would help: “A one-inch-thick polycarbonate slab set into the reinforced blast wall allowed…” I think my problem with the sentence is that “recessed” is a verb too, so I was confused. Also, removing the “of” seems like a minuscule thing, but I think it simplifies just enough to facilitate understanding of all he more complex words you have there
The three-room bunker, invisible from any outside angle, appeared as another mesquite-covered outcrop near the top of a hill. = Do you really need “three-room”? Does it matter to the reader what the size of his living quarters is? Also, I’m not sure you need to say “invisible from any outside angle” since you also say “appeared as another mesquite-covered outcrop near….” That second part negates the need for the first part, IMHO. Also, this might be a good spot to nix a hyphenated word: turn “mesquite-coverd outcrop” to “outcrop covered with mesquite”.
Mother Nature's ancient camouflage worked quite nicely when hiding secret things from curious eyes. = This is a nice sentence, but it replicates the previous sentence. It does hammer out a point, though. I’m not saying you should totally, 100% get rid of it, but consider if this point of being hidden from the outside world is worth a double or triple mention in the same paragraph.You mention Area 51 next, which will definitely inform the reader of the secrecy in which you’re talking about now, so I don’t think you need to worry too much about providing the reader with enough information to draw that conclusion. Don’t overstate the obvious
Its official name was Groom Dry Lake, but the sprawling base bore many other names, Paradise Ranch, Red Square, The Farm, Watertown Strip, Dreamland, The Box, and most popular, Area 51. = This is a list. use a colon after “names.” It was a total Ah-Ha moment when the last item of your list was “Area 51”.
The sudden appearance of General Mathias Kohl had put Sam on edge. An audience with the Great Oz meant only one thing—lives were going to change, many lives. = I think this should be part of the previous paragraph. I also recommend changing to: “...meant only one thing - many lives were going to change.” The repetition you have in the original is nice, but since you have lots of complex sentences, I think (only my opinion, of course) that you should simplify when possible. This is another example. I think your statement still will pack a punch without that repetition, especially with the em-dash.
Kohl had been the shit thrower while Sam controlled the speed of the fan. = Nice! I’ve never heard that old adage switched around like this. Very good.
After 9/11, special operations teams grew like kudzu. Ranger, Delta, and Seal team missions were in the news on a regular basis. = Nice. Well-worded and very informative.
The exploits of Sam's unit were never on the front page or in the nightly news—because to the masses, they had ceased to exist. All five rested in peace at Arlington National cemetery. = I found this confusing, particularly the fact that they were dead when Sam was right here. I assumed he was the lone survivor from his team for some reason. Though I understand now what you were getting at. Suggestion: ”The exploits of Sam’s unit were the exception because, to the masses, the team did not exist. Tombstones at Arlington National Cemetery sported their names carved deep in the pristine marble, only a ruse by the General/Military/WhateverDepartmentInCharge to allow them to maintain their deep cover.”
Sanctioned and funded by a handful of the world's most secretive power brokers, their new identities scoured the planet, finding the concealed, and rendering silent retribution. = I suggest you change the verbs here to “found” and “rendered”. What you have is a simple list, so the commas work, but parallelism is broken if you change the verb tenses. If you want to keep the “ing”, then I suggest you change to “….identities scoured the planted, finding the concealed and rendering …” without the commas. Then it’s not list. I personally like my first suggestion as I think it’s easier to follow.
After the team was disbanded in 2004 … = Nice paragraph! Explains things but keeps it interesting
The esprit de corps of a Marine, and the respect for a commanding officer remained—much more in fact, than the above ground brass ever received … = Recommend you remove the comma after “marine” and add a comma after “more” and hyphenate “above-ground.”
The all for one and one for all nature of Sam's team was an unspoken axiom—the glue that held them all together, the creed that made them seem invincible, and Kohl wouldn't have it any other way. = Recommend you choose one of those things you list, either the glue or the creed, but not both. I also think “unspoken axiom” could be removed which would allow you to remove the dash and increase flow and understanding. Finally, make a new sentence with “Kohl wouldn’t have…"
The echo of approaching footsteps warned Sam long before the knock. He took a deep breath. "Come.” = Nice!
The door opened. = I don’t think you need this, as the next sentences implies that the door opened and Kohl walked in.
No matter where you were, even in another room, general Kohl's aura always arrived before his body—his presence preceded by a tangible pressure, a shiver of energy that radiated through your nervous system like a thump in the dark or an invisible tap on the shoulder. = 1. Remove “even in another room,” 2. use a comma instead of a em-dash after “body”, 3. Choose either the “tangible pressure” or the “shiver of energy,” and, 4. Choose either “thump in the dark” or “invisible tap on the shoulder”. Too many descriptives just loses it’s impact and makes the reader think you indecisive. You have great imagery throughout! Don’t overdo it
Telltale worry lines etched his brow—and even though he was pushing hard on seventy, his body stood tall, toned rock hard. = Suggestion getting rid of the dash and instead putting a period after brow, starting a new sentence with “Even though,” and adding a comma and an “and” after “toned” so it reads “…tall, toned, and rock hard.”
Neither man spoke as if challenged to read each other's mind. = I’m not sure “challenged” is quite the right word here. “trying to” seems more appropriate, but also kinda more boring. So I’m not sure.
His presence set the tone without a word most of the time, but not in Sam's house. = Why? I’m not following here.
Sam shrugged off the sarcasm. "If I knew you were coming.” = If I’m hearing this right, I’m thinking it should be “If I knew you were coming, I woulda…” with him trailing off, statement obvious and unsaid that he’d have cleaned up a bit.
"That's what you do, General. You save lives.” = Keep this as part of the previous paragraph with Sam’s actions. I can see him saying this, too.
"I don't apologize for things that happened in the past Sam,” = Comma after “past”
I'm a man who dwells in the darkness if you will, = Comma after “darkness”
The president's decision = Capitalize President?
So here we are ten years after, still kicking, still waiting.” = Suggest you end the sentence at “after” and make two new fragment sentences of the last two phrases. I think it’ll pack more punch and will work well as dialog.
a subtle apprehension that made him lean forward and apply all his attention. = Made Sam lean forward or Kohl? I’m also not sure “apply all his attention” works well. Apply his attention to what or whom?
"People like us are always waiting for something bad to happen, that's our lot in life. = Make this 2 sentences.
When mad men start writing their own scripts, men like us are tasked to end the drama.” = Here I think something simpler would work better. Maybe just “We always end the drama.” You use “task” below, so I wouldn’t use it here, FYI.
"Eight years ago I gave you ) = Comma after “ago”
...team that would design and then build an assemblage of machines = Suggest you take out “then”
You did that Sam. = Comma after “that”
With unlimited funds you created access to any environment, any terrain, be it jungle, desert, mountain, or deep ocean. = Comma needed after “funds”. Suggest you change to “…to any environment or terrain, be it jungle…”
You gave me an assortment of transport airframes, deep sea DSRV's, and overland vehicles unmatched, and yet unseen in the world. = Is “deep sea” a repetition of the DS in “DSRV”? The way it’s written now, you need another comma after “unseen” I think this is a bit cumbersome as it is, however. What about “You gave me an assortment of highly classified transport airframes, DSRVs, and overland vehicles.” Also, I believe you do not use a apostrophe before the “s” in “DSRVs”
If you count all the people involved in the project—engineers, designers, and fabricators, they number less than two hundred. = Do you really need to list “engineers, designers, and fabricators”?
They are the antithesis of political oversight.” = I’m wondering if “They are” would be better as “This is” or “That is” in that it’s Sam’s Task the he’s referring to, not the individual items, even though he’s listed them and you’re not referring to the secret employees, right? Does that make sense?
"Fortunately for us, you now have all the new pieces ready to play, because the time has come for the players to get back in the game. You didn't think you were building a fleet of museum pieces for a messianic megalomaniac did you Sam?” = I like the metaphor of a game. Very interesting. You use “pieces” in this twice, though, so I think you might want to rephrase just a bit to get that repetition out of the way. You also need a comma after “megalomania” and “you,” I believe.
"The thought did cross my mind once or twice general.” = Comma after “twice” and I think you want to capitalize General.
With men like you doing the footwork, the wet work, and with a shit pile of luck, I managed to garner the admiration and trust, emphasis on trust, of a small, but powerful group of people. = Take a look at this sentence. SIX commas!  You have a few options: 1. Break into a couple-few sentences, 2. Delete a few extra stuff here. I think both might work in this instances. First, choose EITHER “footwork" or “wet work” but not both. That will eliminate one comma. Secondly, break it up. Here’s just one (not very good) suggestion: “With men like you doing the footwork, I managed to garner the admiration of a small group of people. Successful missions, and a shit-pile of luck, bolstered support and increased their trust.”
This hand full of people = handful - one word.
Truth is, we're just marionettes Sam, but then, you knew that, right?” = Comma after “marionettes” as you always use a comma before addressing someone. I also recommend removing everything after “Sam.” If you’d rather leave it, I’d recommend having it as it’s own sentence: “You knew that, right?"
... in any of their previous meetings—and that couldn't be a good thing. = Suggest ending the sentence at “meetings” and starting a new sentence with “That couldn’t be…”
A large group image appeared. = It doesn’t really “appear,” does it. I mean, he opened the folder and it was here, he saw it…but the word “appear” makes be think of it being unexpected or coming out of thin air. Maybe you could say something like, “A group photo was on top of the pile of papers. The image…” or even “was the first thing he saw."
confirmed at least one of the reasons… = Recommend removing “at least”
...for Kohl's sudden appearance—Sam's old crew… = Does seeing the photo REALLY make Sam think that’s the reason for Kohl’s visit? I don’t think just seeing it would be enough to “confirm one of the reasons” for him to be there. Maybe it “suggests” something about the men, but since I assume the file is made up of at least several pieces of paper and Sam has only seen the photo, there could be many reasons Kohl is there. I think you’re having Sam jump to thinking Kohl is getting the team back together, even though he doesn’t have enough info to divine that just yet.
...five men who had shared a raging river of adrenaline for ten years. = Nice!
Updated BIOS appeared in the document = Here’s “appeared” again, which makes me think of a iPad-type display instead of paper (which my be good use of tech .
At that moment, the questions, which had been stacking up like dominoes, froze = I don’t think you need “at the moment” and I think you can take out all the commas. But, I’m not sure I’m following you on this statement anyhow. What question fell? The next dialogue is Kohl speaking. The imagery is good, but I’m not sure it’s in the right place.
"I can't tell you much right now Sam. = Comma after “now”
"I won't do this without you Sam. = Comma after “you” but I don’t know that you need to keep addressing Sam. He’s the only other person in the room and you’ve established it already.
If you're not leading the band, then it's plan-B. I don't like plan-B. Plan-B equals a lot of dead people.” = I think the repetition of Plan-B works well here. I also think it should be capitalized.
You do realize these men are pushing fifty, = Suggest ending here with a question mark. Then…
and like me, probably haven't shot a weapon, or ran an obstacle course in ten years.” = …suggest: “Like me, they probably haven’t shot a weapon or run an obstacle course in ten years.”
"Let's take this one step at a time Sam. = Comma after “time” or take out Sam.
Ask those questions when you have squared them away in the toy box. = Suggest you switch the order of “squared” and “them”
Angel will set up a meeting. Everything will be hashed out at that time.” = Not sure you need this at all. Feels a little excessive and over-explanatory.
Kohl stood up, which meant the conversation was pretty much over. = Suggest you remove “pretty much”
He pulled an i-phone from his pocket = iPhone
Sam looked at the phone then back at Kohl… = Suggest you remove “back”
"Do we have a problem Sam?” = Comma after “problem"
"No sir,” = Comma after “no”
he said without thinking, a reflex with a built-in tripwire, especially around generals. = Suggest you remove "without thinking” and “especially” so it’ll read “he said, a reflex with a built-in tripwire around generals.” Though I think “without thinking” is still ok if you want to keep it. I only mention removing it because reflex also implies without thought, so it’s redundant.
What he truly wanted to say was—you have to be fucking kidding me. = Not sure about the dash here. I wonder if you should put it in italics or maybe say “What he thought was…” then italics. Not sure on this one.
...over his smooth head, and for the first time, Sam saw a glint of uncertainty in his eyes, a flash of worry, making him look all of his seventy years. = Suggest ending the sentence at “head” and a new sentence at “For the first time, Sam…” Also, choose either “uncertainty in his eyes” or “a flash of worry.”
"The devil is coming Sam, = Need a comma after “coming”
You're old crew = Your, not “you’re”
... you're going to give them the most advanced toys on earth, and god, I hope… = Suggest ending the sentence at earth, then a new sentence with “God, I hope…”
Sam had always understood that the general was unconventional, even eccentric, but his behavior seemed off kilter, over-the-top. = Suggest you choose either “off-kilter” (with a hyphen) or “over-the-top” but not both.
His eyes wandered. He tapped… = I’m not clear on whether this is Sam or Kohl who is doing this.
realistic appearing prosthesis = Hyphen in “realistic-appearing”
... as the artificial joint vacuum-sealed itself to his leg. = Suggest removing “to his leg”
"Better than the original general, Nano-hydraulics is a fantastic invention.” = Comma after “original” and capitalize “general.” Also, I think you intended for the comma after “general” to be a period.
He then swiveled on his right foot, = Suggest you remove “then”
Be prepared for a shock Sam.” = Comma after “shock”
Sam chewed on the peculiar statement for a long moment before replying. "What could be more shocking than to have the Great Oz show up at 1:00 a.m. and tell me I have to go back in the field?” = Nice! This flows well and is very telling to the reader. A good sum-up of how he might be feeling and the shock of it all.
Kohl pointed to the ceiling. "Seeing the face of our new enemy—our new evil, and knowing where he comes from… = Suggest choosing either “new enemy” or “new evil” but not both.
Sam stared at his office door—mouth open—his brain calculating, but not adding up. = Suggest you end the sentence at door. Then, “Mouth agape, he tried to calculate the situation, but it didn’t add up.” or something. This will remove the dashes and improve flow, IMHO.
New evil? = Suggest italics as it’s an internal thought.
Sam moved his hand = Suggest “slid” or another more active word instead of “moved” here.
He exhaled a long sigh—but that was ten years ago = Suggest two sentences here instead of dashes.
not now, not with a disbanded, disavowed bunch of retired adrenaline junkies. = With my suggestion above, this won’t work as it’ll be fragment. What about: “But now, with a disbanded/disavowed bunch of retired adrenaline junkies, the task became much more difficult.” [not sure about the last part…what is Sam thinking about the old team and their prospects now?]. Also suggest you choose either “disbanded” or “disavowed”
What the hell was the general thinking? = Suggest italics and capitalizing “general"
"It appears that things have once again turned to shit boys,” = Suggest removing “that” and also adding a comma after “shit”
...eyeing the ten-year-old group photograph, and then the iPhone. = Suggest a new sentence here. “He eyed the [snip] photo and then the iPhone.” You won’t need commas.
When he touched the name ANGEL on the screen, Michelangelo's fresco of God giving life to Adam appeared. = Nice touch!
"Hello Sam. = Comma after “Hello”
Can I assume you've had your meeting with the General?” = Um, yes, he can, because of the number/name this cell phone came from (assuming on my part that Angel has caller id). I think you can just leave this sentence out entirely.
Deja’vu. = Two words
The man had somehow supplanted ten years like an H.G. Wells time traveler. = In what way? Looks? (they aren’t face timing, are they?) or sound?
I don't suppose you can fill me in on some of the finer points.” = I wonder if a question mark would work here? In my head, I hear him rise in tone at the end of this sentence, even though it’s not technically a question.
"If I had a psychic connection with the general, = Capitalize “general”
I would have shot myself long ago. As always, my task is to locate, procure, and extract. This mission is strictly to deliver your old strike team to the bunker. End of story.” Well written. I can hear this and it’s clear and succinct, as I suppose Angel probably his too.
One can argue with the general, let me rephrase that, you can argue with the general, but he's always going to get his way. = This is confusing. What do you think about something like: “You’re the only one who can argue with the General, but he’s always going to get his way.” or even “As his right hand, you’re the only7 one who can argue with….”
You pull the trigger. = Recommend deleting this. It’s just a replication of “right hand”
I'm sure he told you that nothing changes. = Not sure you need this.
His conversational brevity could be trying, and his mother superior complex was sometimes annoying, yet these personality idiosyncrasies paled to his dry sense of humor. =Suggest a sentence break at “annoying” and new sentence with “These personality…”
...comfortably for an extended flight time, not an easy task… = Sentence break at “time”
It seemed that Angel had gutted the expeditionary layout, and replaced it with individual… = No comma
Limo. = Not capitalized
3:00 p.m Murmansk time Suggest using 24 hour time and, in this case, Zulu Time or UTC. You can use UTC and convert to local time zone by the letters of the NATO alphabet (zulu alphabet: Alpha is +1, Bravo is +2 from UTC, etc.) Zulu is GMT. Juliet is “local time”. Planning across time zones, like your mission, is generally done in Zulu Time. [All of this is according to my source (my husband, the walking encyclopedia), but I suggest you look it all up to figure out how you want to work the time stuff in your book.]
That could only refer to one team member, Vitaly. = I don’t think a comma is the right punctuation here. I think either a colon or just end the sentence at “member” and make “Vitaly” it’s own fragment sentence.
"Hell yes I want to be informed.” = Comma after “yes"
"Thought so—I'll send… = Use a period instead of dash here.
the real time audio/visual stream = Suggest using A/V instead of writing it all out since you’ve used it above.
Right now I'm going… = Comma after “now”
a few hours shut-eye, got a big day tomorrow, I still have = End sentence at “eye” then again at “tomorrow”
It's two in the morning Sam. = Switch to 24 hour time here and also put a comma after “morning” (or whatever time you end up using - always put a comma before addressing someone.
If anything, Angel had retreated even further into his shell. = Nice.
His orders were clear if not repetitive, go here, kill these nasty motherfuckers, and get back alive. = Add a comma after “clear” and I suggest a colon after “repetitive.”
The getting back alive part was often Angel's doing. = Suggestions: “The last part was often...” or “That last one was often…"
Unlike past encounters, this visit had been surreal… = In what way?
putting his old team back together after ten years, mobilizing the toy box. = Suggest this part should be it’s own sentence, separate from the part before. You’ll need a verb… “Putting his old team back together after ten years was an insane proposition.” I’m not sure I like “mobilizing the toy box” unless you add more to it like: “Mobilizing the toy box sounded like fun, but Sam wasn’t sure he was ready to face the consequences of it. Retirement should have its perks, after all."
It was clear that something unprecedented had happened. = Do you need this? Your next sentence says pretty much the same thing in more detail.
... mobile vehicles in existence, but now, his subtle hints were frustrating. = Recommend ending the sentence at “existence,” and then “Kohl’s subtle hints were frustrating.”
This was Kohl's way of getting the juices flowing, his way of not getting ahead of himself before all the pieces fell into place. = Choose either “juices flowing” or “ahead of himself/pieces into place” but not both.
skin textured prosthesis. = skin-textured with a hyphen.
other than a real leg. = it really does exist, so it is real and not imaginary. Maybe change “real” to “biological” or “natural” or “fully-functioning” or something.
Ones only clue… = Suggest changing to “The only clue…"
that the leg was indeed a mechanism = Suggest changing “a mechanism” to “mechanical”
sucked together like a refrigerator door. = Nice imagery!
He had spent many nights watching stealth planes, black birds, and auroras take off and land comfortably ensconced in the big chair, a bowl of Orville Redenbacher in one hand, and a cold Bud in the other. = Suggest: “…and auroras take of and land while he ensconced in the big chair with a bowl of Orville Redenbacher in one and and a cold Bud in the other.” Notice I removed the commas; the first one was replaced with a preposition and the second one wasn’t needed as originally written. Also, I’m wondering if you should capitalize Blackbirds and Auroras, and I’m also wondering if Sam would be more specific, like “SR-71 Blackbird” (note that it’s one word) or something. Same with “stealth planes” -= there are several stealth-type planes and I’m sure he’d be well-versed in them.
These were stealthy war machines manufactured in the Skunk Works, = Rephrase: “came out of the Skunk Works program”
an above ground = Hyphenate
...but the most fortuitous civilian to get a glimpse of on daylight missions. = Recommend removing “on daylight missions.”
flat screen. = Most screens are “flat screens” now, and I notice you use this term in this chapter several times and in the other chapters as well. First, think of synonyms, like monitor, panel, or something more high-tech like OLED or even a dual-use surface like a picture frame that can double as a communications screen. What about a heads-up display on the very window he likes to watch the planes from?
wireless mouse in comfort. = Here’s another tech glitch, IMHO. A touchpad would be more techie than a wireless mouse, and I would expect Sam to be using some higher-tech.
He clicked the flat screen to channel one. = This doesn’t seem to work either. I can’t imagine high-tech stuff needing a channel number. What might be better is flicking/swiping his iPhone attachment directly to the “flat screen” or panel or the window glass…whatever you decide on.
nose cone mounted = Need hyphens. But since you have high-res immediately following this, suggest you go with “high-res camera mounted on the nose cone."
The high altitude panorama = Since “high-altitude” is modifying “panorama,” you need a hyphen.
Someone or something was about to change the world, and the Great Oz was once again wielding the wand that would vanquish the changers, at least that appeared to be the plan. = Great! That is, until “at least that appeared to be the plan”. Just remove that last phrase
now secondary to an even more debilitating sensation, a weariness that weighed a thousand pounds. = Choose “debilitating sensation” or “weariness that weighted a thousand pounds,” but not both.
A lance of lightening = This might be personal preference,but I don’t like this. Not sure if it’s the alliteration or what.
lazy-boy. = La-Z-Boy
Cirque-du-soleil sleeping position, = Not hyphenated
After an explosive session on the toilet, the vanity mirror revealed a haggard shell of a man near the bottom of the barrel. = Nice mental image of him and where he is in his life.
blood rare = Hyphenate
friend, Jessie Riker, and his sudden death. He hated losing friends, especially friends that were so—interesting. = “Friend” is repeated 3x in quick succession. You might be able to lose the first one, since once you state “He hated losing friends” it’ll be clear that he was a friend of Sam’s. Also, change the last one to “especially ones that were so interesting.” I think I know why you have the dash there, but I don’t know that it flows well. Maybe use a different, more apropos term, like “unique” or “quirky” or something.
...about big brothers watchful eyes. = brother’s
...technologies of the engines and there assembly… = their
suggesting his friend might have a small hole in his marble bag. = Cute rephrasing
Under the hanger’s camouflaged facade, everyone worked on their own projects in their own part of the vast complex. = A repeat of “complex.” Maybe “area” would work better.
...held fantastic alien machines, and perhaps life that did not originate on earth. = I’m not sure about the comma after “machines.” I *think* you need to remove it, but I’m not 100% on that.
On a few occasions, Sam had to suppress his doubt out of love for his friend, but then, just two weeks ago, Jessie had walked into his office with a dazed, deer in the headlights look on his face. = Suggest a period after “friend” and new sentence with “Then” or even starting with “Two weeks ago…” Also, “deer-in-the-headlights look” should have hyphens.
“Something big is coming Sam, real big. Be careful.” = Suggest “Something big is coming, Sam. Real big. Be careful.”
yet another I need food now warning. = "I-need-food-now warning” with hyphens.
grabbed the big screen remote. One click revealed several live video feeds. = Here’s another example where I think the tech could be less old-school. Who uses remotes anymore? He should be able to swipe on the iPhone and “send” the feed from there to the big screen. It’s called AirPlay, and it’s a little rectangle with an arrow located at the bottom of the video. I’d expect his wireless network to be completely set up for all of this without thought. Actually, now that I typed that, I’d also expect various voice-activated automation as well. “Send video to big screen” or, like most Mac aficionados, each device has a name. In my house, our network is the Tardis, the AppleTV is Chakotay, the DirectTV is Janeway, my phone is Juniper, and my iPad Cyprus. So I can easily share data from one to the other based on names.
He clicked the icon labeled Nose Cone Camera = Antoher tech suggestion: if he’s using touch pads/iPhones, you don’t “click” you just “tap” or “touch” and the iPhone can control what is being seen/done on the larger screen as if it were a remote.
"Jesus Vit. = Comma after “Jesus”
Where the hell are you,” = Question mark
Terra firma. Capital F?
Sam had to laugh at his stomach's insistence, and clicked off the monitor. Vit's ten-year reunion would have to wait for a rerun. = I think you can remove “clicked off the monitor” as typically, most screens will go to sleep when not being used. Very few people turn stuff off anymore because it does it automatically Also, even if he does turn it off manually, I don’t think you need to tell the reader - too small a detail to bother with. We can assume he does or it does, or even that he leaves it on to check on it after eating.
They would be full of questions, and as confused as he was about their fates. = No comma
futuristic air taxi, = air-taxi with a hyphen? Not sure on that.
the last ten years of their lives would become a dream, an extended above ground interlude. Choose either “dream” or “interlude” and above-ground is hyphenated.
His second thought was one that would also cross each man's mind as they winged into the unknown—would this mission be their last? Nice! Good ending, well worded, perfect hook.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Your characters are compelling and the details are well-thought out. I love the small hints in here about the alien tech but I didn’t pick up on it at first read since I was reading this chapter (and the other two you requested) out-of-context. I took a look at the description of the book after that, and there was a huge “ah-ha” moment: There was the Sci-fi! I’m intrigued. I really do want to start at the beginning and work my way through. If you’re interested in reviews as well, let me know
I’ll be back with the next review - as you can see, it takes me a while to get these written, and not because I procrastinate I really have been working on it since last Wednesday.
1UppyEar
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I’m not sure the bit about telling her daughter about the night is all that important. I think it slows down the action.
Having sons who also fight frequently, causing damage to the house on occasion, I'm taking your story as a potential solution for my own woes! Haha! 
Thank you so much for sharing your work with the WDC community. I am pleased to review "
A Green Team review from "
A beginning sentence that grabs the reader, followed by a more active paragraph - I will explain more in the Specifics, below, but you want to make this as interesting to the reader as you can, right from the start. It doesn’t matter whether this is fiction or 100% true, or “based on a true story” (which, IMHO, I think you might want to take a lot of this true stuff and add in some fiction…you really do have the start of a great spooky fictional story, as you’ll see by my suggestions below). 
) But is it relevant to the recounting here? Could she be suggesting that the mold exposure may have made her hallucinate many of these strange happenings and it wasn’t real? Or maybe she was sick from something the spirit had done to her and not really the mold?
1. I think you can remove “young” since “sixteen” is more specific and implies youth.