The parody-ish nature of the title belies a genuine, creeping sense of unease and tension that moves throughout the story.
There's minimal dialogue in the long beginning parts of the story (that serve as sort of the introductory parts, I guess), but I for one didn't even miss it. It's still very compelling. I like that the tone is conversational, but it's the conversation of somebody with elevated conversation skills- your heroine is a storyteller in her own right (by necessity of you displaying your own significant writing chops, of course), despite her not being the bestselling author.
The characters are almost immediately identified as types, but you've breathed life into them, and they don't come across as too cliche.
I loved the description of your narrator walking down the hallway in her dream. It's so vivid, with excellent word choices. With the sloshing and whatnot, that carpet is almost tangible, which provokes the kind of disgust you want to engender in a story like this, I think. I thought the ashy handprints on the wallpaper were the perfect touch of macabre.
I like the hint of levity ("no one wants to worry about killer lamps on their honeymoon") that never goes too far.
I also enjoyed the way the main character morphs into the dead girl while in the dream. The progression of it, I guess, starting with something as small as a pair of small hands- of course, at the window, close to the lamp. And then it becomes in the mirror, and then sort of looking at herself outside of herself... Recognizable elements, but depicted uniquely.
It even had people making unwise, horror story decisions! Oh, my word, the part where, post-workout, the right elevator is suddenly operational instead made me want to scream at my computer scream. I DEFINITELY would have taken the stairs, aching legs, or no. lol
"It had waited. It wasn’t enough that the goddamned thing had taken me up to that ghost floor, but it had waited until I had looked up at the numbers. It waited until I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt where I was before it had let me go."
^^ Goddamn chilling.
From the beginning of the story and other things, it's obvious the couple in this story won't be living happily ever after, which began to hit me as a shame, as humanely as the narrator described their relationship. Sure, "John Smith" had a few faults, but... But I think that helps the story, too; you take us through enough of his pretension and him disbelieving his wife to wonder if he's going to turn on her at some point, which, particularly with a relationship begun in some deception, hits at a very basic, peculiar paranoia people can have about the one they love.
The chaotic climax is terrifically terrifying. It was quite a surprising turn that Mr. Smith suddenly knows- or thinks he knows- so much more than his wife, and the kind of supernatural "rules" that he spouts are so appropriately discombobulating for being incomprehensible.
"He died wrapping up someone else’s story."
^^ Poetic.
The end was sort of sad, disquieting, and satisfying. I said "disquieting", which is sort of ironic, as it's a quiet end, and with a tone of resolve, for all there being no neat resolution. if I have one nitpicky thing, it's that now I feel compelled to research what " set of creatures from the beyond" may have been in the hotel and in the Smith home, but I admit, that sounds like entertaining research, at least. 
All in all, a really, really great job! |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
(Even if he was previously a terrifying humongous dragon, and he still has powers beyond any person's ken.) 
I thought the way you opened the story with the cry for order from the bailiff was a good attention-capturing technique. This was rather a breezy read with a simplistic writing style, but makes use of two of my favorite, underused 'p' words- pandemonium and ponderously. Kudos! 
I loved the detail of the ghost humming while waiting for everyone to simmer down. That was fantastic. lol