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| Grief is strange thing. It bounce back or never really go away. May be they go but i don't know how. Its March 15th , its his birthday. Him the man i loved the most and hates as well the most. He did terrible things to me. Torn me , my respect and my mental strength just for fun. I wonder how people can live lies earlier and he made me live without even knowing. Love i experienced felt so real and right but in the end it was a planned lie. Replaying same story again and again in mind and trying to change the truth. Oh! I am Hurt like hell. I still miss him , don't know why? Even if i cried for help , i was just beaten and made fun of. I try to motivate myself but after every 3 months m failing and getting back to my dark and lonely place. I wanted to be somebody's partner, i was ready to be mother. I had dream of small house ,husband my child and my career. He just broked it. Shouted on me , abused me and left me alone in big city, saying i am adult. If i am beyond certain age ,does ot mean a man can play his tricks to ruin good in me?? I can't connect to people, there are time when I relive pain feels heavy. I hv friend and family but just for name. There is no relief to my grief. I am trying every day. There are days when i don't remember him but their are days when i can even feel his touch. So yes love BLINDS you and DESTROY you, no matter how ordinary or special you are |
| From may 8th to August 15, A lot has been changed in my life. Its been 2 and half month exactly i am working new job. Its EST shift and i work all night. I love my new job. Its somewhere bringing balance in my life. I am paying my own rent and i got myself new laptop💖 . Well from past month i have decided to devote my time to mt self. I gonna take care of my SOUL - Meditation everyday MIND - Reading books BODY - Little Excercise (I m lazy that way 😊) Happiness is peeping into my heart. I am thankful. |
| its been very long you are living with God Don't you think its high time you come back Its time I open my old rugged complain box and let you know all my complaints from snatched teddy to broken dreams with whom i will share these you then please hold me in your arms tightly I will cry my lungs out again and you please let me sleep peacefully This time lets leave together |
| How come if you choose to leave me my love is not love any more How come your betrayal defines my love i was not loved does that mean i also didn't loved why do i have to stop loving if you stopped me loving my heart get to choose even if you refused its been a while people say I am in denial |
| Sounds complicated |
Reply| 8th may 45th day well 2end day of training, I was offered no help. Again demands were there. Sometimes close friends helps you but don't forget to show you low. I know mine is not full time job but i sense insult and I am so irked. When I can get on my feet and on my own. I don't wanna more. I don't want to remember bad days ,when I look back. I just prayed for light. |
| 7th may I started a part time job today. I had to rush for everything. i am not liking everything around. Well Aakash behaved weird for no reason so I just said GOODBYE. My mood is not good. I took stand for myself ,why do I repeat mistakes. I am angry and alone. Well best friend is all about asking for food and tea and ignorant about my biggest issue. She kept on telling hers. Her fellow Designer accusing her for not doing good. How she accept me to be there in every decision to help but leave me alone in most important parts. I don't blame her, cause we born alone and we die alone. So all we have to learn in life how to be happily live alone. |
| 6th may 43rd day I couldn't sleep till 3:00 am ,and still woke up around 9am. I started checking my mails. Also posted some applications. Then my routine, getting fresh and making breakfast. I saw a text from my college junior Karan saini. He is a fitness coach now. He sent a fitness video. Well Aakash is trying to get a flat tummy. So I forwarded him the video ,he replied and I explained to him about Karan. Suddenly Aakash was in a comedy mood. Ask me to find him a beautiful girl. Without thinking anything I replied "I am one" and realized that was lame replied. Then our discussion shift to book he was reading that was of Erotic genre. I started pulling his leg. In frustration he said " i like sex and there is nothing wrong two people enjoying it." I said "Ahaan". In his defense he replied "you are behaving like you never had it". I replied, " how you know whether did and didn't". I became so furious. What was he thinking? I told him I had a relationship and was cheated. Where this information includes I had intimacy with someone. He just judged me. It just felt so bad. So many things about my past and the society I live in accuse me. I was told from childhood because of my skin I should marry off soon or no one would accept me. Made fun of. How i never wanted a relationship but he proposed marriage. First it felt it's getting delayed and he was there. He will meet me and when i deny stretching things endless arguments telling he just committed to me. I never had anyone so fond of me,so I couldn't push him. I kept running after my career and it was 2 years. I never got any hint ever that he was cheating , until I saw something I should not. Well it ended. I never told mom about his cheating. Well it's personal and mom was in such a hurry to marry me off according to her will. She never understood what I wanted. She just knew what is good for family names and society. How one comment hurt me so badly. I invited this by myself. Why do I need to talk to anyone? If this kind is every eligible bachelor here, I am better off them. |
| 5th may 42end I woke around 11:00am . Our neighbor was there in front. She needed a phone's charger. She asked whether I am ok or not. We call her "bhabhi" out of respect. She is 5' 0 feet high, very thin and in her late 40s. Her's is a family of four. She keeps coming and going in our rooms. Well I got a fresh, cooked brunch for us. By that time mom called. She was not ok. Her neck issue was back and I sensed pain in her voice. It hurts ,but how hard i try to protect she just keeps hurting herself and me. Every time I headed back for her ,she made me feel so unwanted and a burden for her. Verbal abuse was a thing that started coming from her and I knew I would leave. I felt things can get confusing between me and Aakash. I don't know what exactly we are doing. Mostly asking the same things over and over. I don't under pressure of what surreal thought I decided to let him know exactly what's going on. If he stays the same ,we can think about something. If this stunt goes otherwise, it would clear the path for me. I don't want any complications. We talked till 11:00am. Environment became tense as I had to revisit a few tough phases of my life. He advised us to move on and forget. I wonder how to do it?? |
| 4th may ( Day 41st) I woke up early ,I was expecting an interview call. Made breakfast, by the time I was done with morning chores ritu was up doing kapalbhati. Few offices opened with restrictions and advisories today. No information from my office though. With time passing, I am losing my mind. But manages through the day somehow. I don't feel ok though. Sometimes I long for life and then I realize what just been taken away from me. For what, just pride. I hope life gets better with time. In the evening I played a little cricket in the courtyard. Later , I started missing home and talked to Aakash. Aakash! Sometimes so tender, understanding other time so rude. But he is gentleman in all his roles. Clean language and respectful. His burrows meets in between and very generous smile. His eyes having dark circle but are very pretty. I Wonder, is he really like the way he seems or he is going to show his true colors. His house is beautiful. Sometimes I wonder he owns a buisness, how embarrased I would if turn out someone really rich.Anyway his favorite car is beautiful. I am happy to know him. |
| You ! Yes you my head ,you are a very noisy place. No, actual confused messy place. Sometimes I wish that you should be a person, so I can beat s*** out of you. You keep on meddling with me. How much you shout ,do you have any idea. If you will be a person you will be a chaotic one.If I can put a case on you,it will be a harassment case. The things to do to me ,it should be a bailable offense. You ditch me every time, whenever needed. I provided you enormous information but you will never help me with that. You can save others from danger ,not even a single time wrong but when it comes about me , whew you are a dumbo. And your friend that stupid, idiot and pathetic heart. When will that mend its ways. What's wrong with you two? Do you both serve for any unknown enemy of mind. Certainly you guys are definitely behaving like one. Why don't you both let me live peacefully. Look where we are standing now. What would I do with you useless organs?? |
| Day 40th (3rd may) In the morning , eyes opened to news that Indian army appreciates its medical staff by showering them flowers from sky on every marked covid facility all over the country and with decorative bands playing melodies in their honor. I wish this horror would get over so soon. Well if Taiwan can manage it so well , we can also. Mornings were lazy and then something hit me. Was that joy or some old fun spirit. Ritu was on the phone and we both moved together in the kitchen. We sang while cooking and giggling. We made video on tik tok and kept doing stupid fun. Our neighbors joined us in signing and the whole house was in joyful spirit. After so long this sort of joy is touching me. I feel blissful to have moments like this in this rough patch of life. When I look back , horror sends me chills. Time heals everything ,I pray it does the same for me. But I doubt it will. I live with my best friend, My best brother calls me and I talk to Aakash,my school friends. But I feel so empty inside. I don't have my wishlist anymore. I tell my old self most of the time, I miss Shabnam and I am sorry for everything. |
| Day 39th (2end may) Days kept on passing. I got up late and was expecting an interview call. I never got that call and my mood got really spoiled. I didn't cook anything for breakfast. Ritu after waiting for a while walked quietly in the kitchen and cooked delicious Halwa. Later I kept on walking outside. I chat sometimes with my online friend Aakash who is an entrepreneur. We are those friends who keep on asking. How are you ? What is your plan for the day? Also both don't have anything big to do. Still poking keeps us busy. Sometimes his small comments send me into my old memories. I love how he helps his mom. I believe he loves her most. I don't know much about him but he is one of few people, about those we feel good to be around. Ritu took off and I took liberty to arrange a little photography session. My dear friend loves the camera. Nothing makes her happy more than good clothes ,make up and her beautiful portraits. By the end of our session she was giggling. I felt useful. I am tired and ready for my dreamland. |
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