Lyda Baird's Notebook

Sep 27, 2023 at 1:36pm

I have trouble remembering conversations verbatim. Always have. There is one comment amongst the cruel accusations and comments that is burned in my mind. In my heart. He said, "Mom said you would be like this".
It was not long ago that my daughter berated me for what she perceived as a conversation that put her and her family in a poor light with my sister. I am still unsure of what I supposedly said. In no way did I believe I was putting her in a poor light. I am just not sure. Back to her son, my grandson, his disrespect and often disdain for assisting me during my recovery, was apparent. His comment spoke volumes. My daughter does not respect me. Her family does not respect me.
While I am not a psychologist, I am on the verge of seeing my daughter as narcissitic. She seems to know better than anything I say or do. And, it seems, that she has passed her view of me on to her son.
The pain is slowly killing me inside. I am becoming numb from grieving. I already am grieving saying goodbye to my husband two years ago and my dad one year ago. My husband's absence is a daily reminder of my loss and how much I miss him. My body's increasing fatigue and pain is a reminder. He was my rock. My strentgh and my encourager. He is no longer here and more the better for him but not for me.
Grieving a relationship is different. It is grieving a relationship you deeply desire with someone you love but knowing that relationship does not exist and realizing that the person you love may be encapable of have such a relationship. With every visit and conversation, the painful barbs remind me of the loss. Of what I will not have even with others I love that are under her influence. It hurts. The comment my grandson made leaves me with the thought that she has not hesitated to poison the waters toward me in my grandson's mind. It will not not be long before she will do tne same with the two younger grandchildren.
Visits and conversations with her are toxic to me and I need space from her and her family for a long time.
This relationship is a reflection of my childhood. My parents were very critical and overbearing. But worse, I know my parents have said things to her about me. Instead of supporting me, those around me were silent or worse, support her critism. I started my own bed of painful relationships and loneliness.
I need to come to terms with what has beenvcreated. Take care of me and put distance between myself and those who show no respect or regard for me.

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NaNoNette

Sep 27, 2023 at 3:16pm

I was about to say you should seek out counseling when I saw Schnujo's Doing NaNoWriMo? already did.

Your account here only gives your side of the story. It might very well be that you have displayed behaviors toward your daughter that make her feel resentments toward you now. There is a very strong possibility that you would not know what those behaviors were or what words you said. That is called the "Blind Spot." It's a real thing. It describes behaviors that only people outside of you notice. You can't be held responsible for the things that are in your Blind Spot, but you should learn what your particular behaviors are that have led to this situation.

For the sake of you, your daughter, and your grand-children, you should go to family counseling with your daughter. Listen to what she has to say. Listen with your heart. Try to understand her. Once you can acknowledge that "things weren't perfect" --- whatever that may be --- ask her to listen to you now.

The relationships between adult children and their aging parents is often full of anger, old hurt, and resentments. You can still fix all of that. They are talking to you. They are taking care of you. Even if begrudgingly and with sarcastic or mean comments. The door to heal your family and live in a happy multi-generational family is still open.

Lyda Baird

Sep 27, 2023 at 4:14pm

I have had a lot of therapy over this and other traumatic events. Bullied, abused, by twenty three, my self-esteem had taken a beating. I am having trouble with the fact that my daughter and her family do not respect me and me seek counseling on my own. I did go with her years ago and it did not begin or end well. She was only there to tell me, and the therapist, how horrible I was. She asked that I come with her saying that it would help our relationship. First day, she plopped in the first chair as we walked in and turned on my and said, "I told him how you beat me". Which I did not beat her. And I asked for specifics and she could not give. It went down hill from there. When she was fourteen, she went to my parents for a week. My dad told her how badly I treated my mother. She came home with questions and things changed after that. He said it in the context that he "hoped she did not treat her mother as bad" as I treated my mother. I was a difficult child, I admit. there were events that impacted that as well as being a typical middle child teen. I think I would appreciate the feedback more if I had been asked if I had had counseling over these relationships instead of telling me I should get counseling. I do need to write a blog or memoir. While I am not new to Writing.com, I have not written much and am finding hard to get started. Maybe the newsfeed is not the venue for these writings? I am definitely a work in progress.

~Brian K Compton~

Sep 27, 2023 at 4:19pm

Yes, write, write, write! It’s therapeutic. Get clarity.

truly sorry about what you're experiencing. I relate. perception plays a crucial role in all this. It’s easy to misinterpret or assume intentions that aren't there. Few approach to just ask questions, mediate, to get to resolution. Unfortunate, unresolved experiences just intensify emotion to knee jerk react.

Taking time for yourself. Don’t let it further harm. A break from family will be good. You’re number one.

You have an opportunity to act with empathy. You don’t have to own any assigned shame/guilt (especially without explanation). just know they struggle just the same. Encourage her to share her perspective as well. Listening is all you need to do. The goal is not to prove who's right but to bridge the gap in understanding.

It may be necessary to create space for yourself. This doesn't mean cutting off ties entirely but setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

You mentioned the impact of childhood experiences on your adult relationships. Me, too. Kind of a PTSD few will acknowledge. past experiences do influence present reactions and choices. I get therapy, but not much longer. It helped me sort stuff out. I found out I’m not who others say I am. I wore the guilt without knowing how I’ve wronged my whole life, because I’m atypical, and for that, bullied and abused into compliance, silence and became a loner.

self-care during challenging times includes grieving. Grieving a relationship is valid and seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist provide solace and guidance. You deserve respect and love.

So, write, if nothing else. Therapeutic. And if people don’t peek at those private notes, no harm done. Just get it out. You’ll get clarity.

You did nothing wrong. Don’t own it. Empathize with them. You are not alone in facing challenging situations, family and the like. Now, if you have gaslighters, I got a whole other speech.

Be well.