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| Don't be greedy this Easter, just get one egg, a French one... I think you'll find it's un oeuf. |
| Omelette this one slide, though it's a terrible yolk. |
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You guys... |
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| I've been studying hard, cramming even, all towards my final genetic engineering exam.... I just passed with flying koalas. (Stolen from my favourite blog - it was too good to resist.) |
| The Budleigh and Salterton Cruet: Rumours are abounding that another merit badge may have been commissioned by the highly secretive organisation that does things like that sometimes. Hopes are high that the latest badge, said to be strongly related to the Mississippi Organisation's reboot of the James Blond frank size, will be ready in time for another merit badge giveaway. Graham was rumoured to have responded to questions with a characteristic "Gweep!" |
| GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): Why do you think we had to come to Australia when the villain is in Paris Graham? GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): Not that this isn't a lovely beach mind you, no complaints here. A GUINEA PIG NAMED GWENDOLYN: I think it's so you can meet us dear. A GUINEA PIG NAMED TERESA: That's right, we're the Blond Girl. A NEVER BEFORE SEEN GUINEA PIG NAMED DOROTHY: Hello Boys! A BEEHIVE HAIR PIECE: ... GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): Well that explains the mangos on the menu, help yourselves ladies, they're delicious. Ralph: Hey Toby, it says here we've got to Quarrel. Toby: No it doesn't. Ralph: It does, right here. Look! Toby: It says 'Ralph: Ah! Here's Quarrel Toby. Ralph (Looks self conscious and puts on his reading glasses): Oh, so it does, sorry old chap. Toby: Not to worry, where is Quarrel by the way, does anyone know. Graham: Won't be here. They did cast someone, but he's been cancelled. Been accused of something awful. Dorothy: That's awful. Graham: That's what I said. Dorothy: What was he convicted of? Graham: Nothing whatsoever. Teresa: These mango's are rather yum aren't they. Toby: Hey are those sea shells that beehive is carrying? Graham (Harking back to happier days when usually all he said was 'Gweep'): She sells sea shells on the sea shore, because then there's no overheads, like you'd get with a store. Ralph: When do we get to the action? Friendly Neighborhood Derg  : Hello again little guinea pigs. Ralph: I didn't know there was a dragon in this film? Graham: Oh yes, Dr. Meow uses it to frighten simple fishermen away from his island. Toby: Dr. Meow? I thought the villain was The Importance of Being Ernest Blowpipe. Teresa: Oh no Toby, there's all sorts of re-writing going on at the moment. Ralph (With a certain sense of foreboding): Is it still Minty's uncle Herb writing the script? Graham: In association with Angus Brosnigag, yes. Friendly Neighborhood Derg : It says here that I'm to get you over to South Korea where you'll meet a sexy Russian cypher clerk played by three beautiful guinea pigs and a beehive hair piece. So we'd better get going. |
Adherennium  - Oooo! *raises hand* I know! I know! Pick me! Went to the beach Everybody had matching towels! Somebody went under the dock There they found a rock It wasn't a rock It was a ROCK LOBSTER! |
| Okay, so if I'm understanding everything, this is not a documentary about porcupines? I do, however, have something to add: What is James Bond’s favorite pasta…? Mini Penne |
| In keeping with my observation yesterday that I am currently disinclined to make myself laugh on health grounds, the following will not be funny. A doctor, a bricklayer and a professional ornithologist all walked into a bar. And you have to ask "Does no one look where they are going these days?" |
| You have to admire the way bodies go out of their way to screw up your day. Despite having a chest infection I went to work today, and began by doing some of the jobs I didn't get done yesterday, (we're closed on Mondays, but I sometimes go in to doing cleaning and preparation.) I'd just put the laundry on when a fit of coughing took me unawares. The sudden spasm this produced pulled the small of my back. I could barely walk for the next hour, when some pain killers kicked in. Still, you have to laugh don't you. Actually I hope not because at present laughing leads to coughing, leads to more pain. As I usually laugh at my own jokes, I have elected not to write any James Blond nonsense till I'm feeling better. I have the next two days off, so hopefully I can get myself on the mend. |
| Here is an article from our local newspaper the 'Buddleigh Salterton Daily Cruet': It was close encounters of the third kind for Arthur (Jonesy) Lakeland as he staggered home from an evening of fine wines and delicate repasts in his much frequented hostelry, 'The Cheese & Drainpipe' after regulars had spent a desperate couple of hours after 11 p.m. closing time, trying to discover where the door was. Parched customers, who were desperate to get home for a nice cup of tea had to be sustained by a constant supply of shorts, to keep their flagging spirits up and down their gullets. Arthur swears he hadn't had above 8 or 9 shots of rum, 12 or 13 at the outside, no more than twenty certainly, so what he saw could have in no way have been attributable to his drinking. "I was having a meditative moment of spiritual union with the universe, and had just pulled my zip up when I heard this strange sound, and then a flying saucer shaped like a gigantic teapot landed in the field. Course the cows went spare with fear and were rushing around like crazy, so it wasn't surprising that all three of the little green men slipped on their way to talk to me. They were tall and grey with great long arms and three spindly fingers. When they got to me, I waited with bated breathalyser to see what their first words would be. 'Whoa man, that was one Zxhibbit of a journey. Take us to your weed man.' One of them said, so I pointed them in the way of Dave (Smithy) Humbolt, who takes care of all my weed needs, and they were soon on their way. The field is still filled with cow flop - which is a piece of evidence skeptics can't ignore." |
| Friendly Neighborhood Derg - Huh. I've been called spacey, but never spaceist before. Honestly, I'm not sure what else we have to offer them anyway. |
| TOTALLY NOT THE REAL CHRIS HEMSWORTH, REMEMBER FOLKS - YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST (M): Miss KaChing, when you've quite finished flirting please send in Oh Oh Oh (It's magic). A QUOKKA NAMED ROSIE (Miss KaChing - you know - like when a till is used - it's a reference to commerce and... I'm trying too hard aren't I?): Yes Sir. In you go Ralph, Toby, Graham, Toupee, he's expecting you. (Ralph gives Rosie a lingering look) GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): Who's flirting? I wasn't flirting, were you Graham. Toupee it wasn't you was it? GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): Hush Toby, it's what our character does - flirt with the ladies. Toby: Is it? I didn't know there even were any ladies in this. Graham: Of course there's ladies, there's Miss Mone.. erm, I mean KaChing, and then there's the Blond girl, played by three gorgeous lady guinea pigs and a beehive hairpiece. M: Now then Blond, I'm about to send you on your most hair raising adventure ever. It appears Blowpipe, is it Blowpipe or Bagpipe? Graham: Blowpipe. M: Blowpipe (thanks), has set himself up in a Paris Salon, from where he has been organising a series of daring robberies. The police have been combing the area but they've not come up with anything. We want you to fly to Sydney to do a set piece, then work your way back to Paris via North Korea, no sorry South Korea, Bombay and Berlin. Ralph: Why don't we just head straight to Paris. M; Don't be absurd Blond, time is of the essence, so you'd better get going. Don't forget to get in the queue for gadgets before you go. |
| I wonder if Blond will have any layovers during his flight? Do you think he could bring me an autographed photo of Miss Mone.. erm, I mean KaChing? I suppose not, since he's traveling to Paris post haste. |
| Fun fact - all 3 Hemsworth brothers are actually swoll kangaroos in very realistic human suits. It's true. All Australians know this. And Liam Hemsworth is one of the few grand masters of the ancient martial art of Cor Blimey, the only known defence against drop bears. Rumours also state that Chris Hemsworth learnt his award-winning smile (Kids' Choice Awards, 2021) from a friendly quokka named Barry. Australians are proud of our Hemsworths, and there are some who are trying to establish active breeding programmes so they don't become extinct. Surprisingly, there does not seem to be a shortage of volunteers to help out in this regard. |
| [Four canvas chairs are arranged so that three guinea pigs (whose name's appear on the back of their respective chairs) can sit comfortably - the fourth chair is labelled 'Toupee' and is currently unoccupied] GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): Who's that large white tomcat over there Graham? GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): Oh he's our villain. He's called 'The Importance of Being Ernest Blowpipe.' Or was it Bagpipe? No, no I think it's Blowpipe - sounds marginally more deadly. GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): He certainly looks like a villain with that scar and everything. Graham: Mr Tiddles? No, no, that's just make up - he's a pussy cat. Ralph: Well I can see that. Graham: I meant, he's an old softy, an utter gentlecat of the old school. Toby: Does he have an underling? Ralph: A what? Toby: You know, like a number two, Blond villains always have a number two. Ralph: I should think he has a litter box for... Ohh! I see. Graham: Gweep! Ralph really - is this what we've sunk to? Anyway, yes Toby he does have an underling, a psychotic Pekingese named Dim Sum. Ralph: I thought all Pekingese were psychotic. Graham: Yes well, you thought wrong - Barrington Womble Ambrosia the Third is perfectly affable offscreen. Toby: With a name like that he'd have to be. Director [Off]: Places please everyone. |
| Thought I'd try my hand at shop lifting yesterday. Couldn't move one a micrometer. Darn but those things are heavy. Think I may have pulled something in my back. |
Friendly Neighborhood Derg - Seriously? Adherennium couldn't lift a shop, so you want him to try sitting on a baby?  |
| It's a good think you couldn't lift it, there's laws against lifting shops. |
| GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): I say, is that Gregory doubling for you Graham? GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham) [Scanning skies]: You know, I do think it is. Didn't know he had it in him. GUINEA PIG FOUR (Gregory)[Distantly]: Whoooooaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh Wooooooooooh! GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby) [Munching shared lettuce as supplied by Ralph]: Nom! Mmm! So what's the film called then? I can't believe that now Mississippi has the rights to the Blond films, they decided to cast three handsome guinea pigs and a toupee in the lead role. How did you swing that? Graham: Didn't, it was all down to Minty. Seems he's friendly with the head honcho at Mississippi. Both dirty rats together or something. Ralph: Does it have a title? Graham: It's either 'Gweep Another Day', or 'No Time To Gweep'. I don't think they've decided yet. Minty's uncle Herb is writing the script. Ralph: I'd have called it 'Read Them and Gweep.' Toby: Nom! That's very good Ralph, 'Read 'em and Gweep' yes, very good. Graham: A lettuce please, straightened not curled. Ralph: I heard that they've got Chris Hemsworth to play M. Or Q. Some letter or other anyway. Toby: Ooh! That's not good - he's a great actor, steals every scene he's in. Graham: Bit like your toupee Toby, it's currently strafing those paragliders. Gregory: Ohhhhhhh Shhhhhhhhhhhh ugar! |
| GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): Graham old chap. Why exactly are we scrambling up a mountain wearing collapsed paragliders? GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): This is hardly normal behaviour for a guinea pig. There isn't even any lettuce up here. Ralph: I've got some in my bag, here catch a hold of this a minute. GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): It's for the big opening scene isn't it, you know before all the clever stuff with ladies dancing and guns and stuff, before the film gets going properly. Ralph: Oh is that what it's about. What are the paragliders for then. Graham: Paragliding, obviously. Ralph: I don't think I'm being paid enough for that. Graham: Oh don't worry - the stunt doubles will do the actual gliding, we just have to look as though we're about to. Toby: Graham! My toupee has just blown off. [Cue music] |
| Is there a blog or something where all the Guinea Pig content is in one spot so it can be read in order seamlessly? |
Friendly Neighborhood Derg - Not all of it no - but the earliest stuff is gathered together in
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| Ah, what an image. The toupee my friends is blowing in the wind... Who doesn't like the drama of opening scenes? |
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