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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Nada isn't feeling well today. She has her period and is suffering because of it. When we moved in three months ago, I bought some furniture, including a table and four timber chairs. This morning, when I sat down to eat breakfast, the chair slowly crumpled under me. I ended up on the floor with broken bits of the chair all around me. Nada was in a dither, but I wasn't hurt. I will be asking the place where we purchased it for a replacement. The visit from my friend isn't going well. We clashed over politics on the first day (he considers Trump to be the best person to lead the free world and I do not). Also, I didn't realise that he smokes, and although he doesn't smoke inside, we can still smell it whenever he does. We agreed to disagree about politics and have dropped the subject, but just knowing his views parrot those of the president-elect has changed the way I think about him. He's been here two days, and so far, hasn't offered any show of appreciation. I get that he is travelling on a budget, but a simple offer to buy us dinner (that would cost a few hundred baht) one night would be nice. Staying with us has saved him quite a lot in accommodation expenses. We have also provided him with three meals a day. I'm trying not to be mean and it's not about the cost. We leave for our holiday on Sunday and he can stay till then. He has just informed me that he's quitting smoking today. Good for him (and for us), but if I detect one hint of anger over the next two days due to his withdrawals, he'll be looking for new accommodation faster than you can say, "Please, leave." I accept that the situation with my friend is my fault. I didn't ask enough questions before I told him he could stay, so I would have had a better idea of what I was getting us into. It's not the end of the world. He isn't a bad person and it isn't just about him. We have had our routine broken, and I will talk to Nada once he is gone about whether we should allow visitors to stay in the future. I know if it was me, I would want my own space when travelling. I realise everyone has different budgets but accommodation is pretty cheap here in Thailand, and staying in someone else's home, even for short periods, can present issues. |
| My friend, Rob, who I haven't seen in twenty years, arrives tonight. He's travelling by bus from Pattaya...a seven-hour journey. No doubt he'll be tired by the time he gets here. I'll pick him up on my motorbike and he will stay with us for a few days. I'm looking forward to having an Australian around to talk to. Nada is busy making sure the house is clean (it always is anyway) and the room Rob is staying in has towels and soap in the shower. I must admit that we are both a little nervous. We haven't had anyone stay before, and although I know things will be OK, it's still a little nerve-racking having a guest. When I spoke to Rob last week, I made sure to mention how long we would accommodate him (three nights). I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say, but at least he knows before he arrives...rather than letting it become the elephant in the room later in the week. A few days ago, as we left for our afternoon walk, a lady, who just happens to be from Australia, came past our house pushing a cart/stroller. Inside was a large dog, and after speaking with her for a few minutes, I learned that the poor dog had run onto the road three months earlier and had been hit by a car. He suffered major damage to his spine and as a result, is a paraplegic. He has no feeling in his back legs, and if it were me, I would have had him put down. The lady looked exhausted. Her dog needs to wear nappies, and as we spoke, he was constantly trying to pull the nappy off with his teeth. Our weight loss journey continues and Nada is looking great. A few days ago, she weighed 56.6kg (125 lbs). Of course, she wasn't happy and wants to lose more. Her goal is to get down to 55kg. I'm not as strict with my diet as she is, although I can feel the weight coming off each time I button up my pants. I'm not doing weights at the moment, but that might change in the coming months. Walking every day, combined with the change in diet, is working well enough for me. Last night, I booked three nights at a 4-star resort in Thap Sakae, in Prachup Khiri Khan. We leave on Sunday. It's two and a half hours by motorbike south of Hua Hin. The pics show white sandy beaches and emerald green water, and we are both looking forward to getting away for a few days. |
| We were at the store today buying a few groceries and the song, Jingle Bells was playing over the loudspeaker. I felt sorry for the staff and remarked to Nada that the song would be stuck in their heads every night. It was worth the trip though (despite the crowd) because my favourite breakfast cereal (which can be hard to get at times) was in stock. There were six boxes left, so I bought the lot. I know that isn't very Christmasy of me, but I'm willing to do pretty much anything, including being selfish, to procure my cereal. I'm going to state what I'm sure many of you feel, but are not willing to say...I hate Christmas. And it's not just the carols, the madness and the commercialism that have me feeling this way. There's also this expectation that things will be somehow different over the holidays...and then the disappointment when everything remains the same (other than hangovers, and once it's all done, a lot less money in the bank). For the past few years, I've been slowly opting out. While my parents were alive, I made an effort to attend family gatherings. But since they are both now gone (and the fact that I am living overseas), Christmas this year will be a very quiet affair. Nada and I will go out on NYE to watch the fireworks on the beach in Hua Hin, and that will be the holiday celebrations over for this year. I just asked Nada what she wants for Christmas. Of course, she said she didn't know, so I offered her what every good Thai girl wants for Christmas...cold hard cash (to the tune of one thousand baht). Despite her efforts to hide her glee, her eyes lit up and she agreed that would be a lovely present. Then, I dropped the question that she never saw coming, "So, what are you going to get me for Christmas, Nada?" At first, she looked a little confused, so I helped her out by telling her what I wanted, "One thousand baht." She laughed because she thought that I was joking. But, the truth is we haven't been together long enough for her to understand that Christmas is one subject I never joke about. Perhaps the worst thing about Christmas is that it isn't over in just one day. It begins too early (mid-November) and goes on way too long for my liking. And the best thing about Christmas is at least it's over before the new year begins. Sure, there are other 'benefits' to holding onto an outdated celebration (that isn't even mentioned in the bible as the birthdate of the alleged son of God). It's a great time to lie to children and extort a week or two of good behaviour from the little lovelies by threatening that Santa Claus only gives presents to well-behaved kids. And for the adults (and I use that term loosely) it's a great excuse to drink and eat too much. The drinking, at least at my relative's houses, did not include the partners (usually the wives) because they almost always drew the short straw and were again designated drivers that year. And we all know that statistically, there are more suicides at Christmas than at any other time of year. I used to get depressed around Christmas, but now there are no expectations for me to attend family gatherings, I feel a lot better about the whole thing. The pressure to smile and laugh with my relatives, who would slowly get pissed throughout the afternoon, is no more...and for that, I say, "Hallelujah!" Happy holidays everyone. |
| It's funny how things change, yet stay the same. Boredom used to be my worst enemy, but now, it has become my best friend. Saturday night was always a hard night to face sober. This fact stems from the very beginning of my journey into addiction when my friends and I would take drugs and go out to raves (or clubs). Then, during the night and early into the morning, we would take more drugs, before heading home as the sun rose. And as time went by, despite having to work Mondays, I would continue taking drugs even after I got home. Nowadays, Saturday night doesn't trigger me quite as much, and as I sit here writing this post, I feel pretty content that that part of my life is in my past. I cannot afford, however, to think that just because I am no longer hooked on meth, that I don't still have a problem with it. The truth is that I am still very much addicted, and I still get that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever my mind drifts off to remember 'the good old days'. It wasn't just the rush of dopamine that I loved when I ingested meth. From the moment I picked up my phone to call my dealer, to the drive to score (and even more so, the drive home, with the baggie of crystal safely secured on my person and knowing what was coming) where I was under the influence of another drug...adrenalin. Adrenalin was the precursor to every relapse I ever had. There are as many triggers/excuses as there are junkies. For some, it's music, and once upon a time, music was a trigger for me. Being bored, happy or sad, broke or wealthy, craving or coming off a long abstinence. It never mattered if it was a chance meeting with an old drug buddy or a deliberately planned 'big one'. Drugs (and the dealers who sell them) don't care why we need them, only that we do. I know that unless I took the action I did...sell everything and move to another country, I would, if I survived, still be in the cycle of using meth until I could no longer deal with the outcome of psychosis. Then going to the hospital to get Valium so I could finally get some sleep. And later, once the withdrawals had passed, I would lie to myself (and anyone who would listen), swearing I would never touch meth again. And within three months, relapse...all on a downward cycle towards a certain death. These 'demons', who arrived in the latter and most dangerous phase of my drug use, I cannot help but think were a manifestation of my sick mind doing the only thing possible to save my life. The TV show, Scared Straight, is not an exaggeration of what happened to me during those last few months before I packed my bags and left for Thailand. I believe if not for the hallucinations terrifying me whenever I was coming down, I would be dead now. So, even though I still see and communicate with my imaginary 'friends' (they hate it when I call them friends, but I believe, understand my appreciation), my life is a lot less dramatic now. And even though there are times when life is boring, it's a hell of a lot better than it was before. |
| I have always harboured a secret desire...to be a woman. Of course, in this 'fantasy' gender swap, I still have a male brain and don't suffer oppression, sexual assault, lower wages or deal with a menstrual cycle once a month. For me, it was all about the sex. Watching porn confirmed what I had learned from my own sex life...that women have far and away more pleasure than men during sex. Now, I realise that isn't always the case...that there can be factors limiting this phenomenon. But overall, from what I have seen, if (and I mean IF) we, the partners of said women, do everything right in the lead-up, during and even after the fact (the latter because a woman's memory is just as good as a man's), then we may not be as welcome next time we come knocking on her door. There is a good reason, from nature's point of view, why women are more sexually athletic (for lack of a better description) than men. And it makes sense that God (or whoever/whatever designed us) would grant women the edge in at least some aspects of being human. Reading maps, reverse parking and making quick decisions aside, watching (and hearing) my lover go to heights in the bedroom I can only dream of, reinforces this envious desire for more than my own 'kinda OK' orgasm. But, throw in childbirth, and not just the discomfort, but the emotional rollercoaster that is having a period (and the rest of it...which is a list so long that no woman wants to be reminded about it anyway) and once my feet hit the floor and reality punches me in the face, I am glad I was born a male. This 'fantasy' I have isn't just sexual. Since early childhood, I've had compassion and empathy for women. Shit, I remember times when I was shocked to see women themselves being cruel and violent (usually to do with men) towards their own gender...and trying to figure out why they would act that way. Over the years, my attitude towards my partner's menstrual cycle has changed (depending on the circumstances presented). When I was so young and immature that I took no responsibility for birth control and my girlfriend would tell me she had her period, it was a relief. Then later, once I was old enough to know better (although it still wasn't my job to remember to take the contraception pill), I had to learn to negotiate the differences in my partner's moods when 'that time of the month' came around. One partner in particular had such bad cramps leading up to her period, that I must admit my empathetic nature packed its bags and left. I questioned if her anger and even on occasion, abuse, wasn't at all to do with her period. And for many years, whenever I sensed she was premenstrual, fear took over my life. Early this morning, Nada reached over and touched my skin...and her palm was hot. After we woke up, I told Nada how much I loved her and what she meant to me. She broke down in tears, and that's when I knew she would soon get her period. I held her for a while, before making her laugh and getting her a tissue. She has taken paracetamol and is now in bed. Last month, at this same time, she slept most of the day. Then over the next two nights, she had trouble sleeping. I think I will wake her up soon so that she might return to normal sleep patterns faster than she did last month. I know I'm only guessing about what to do, and that the best thing to do is to be kind until things return to normal. |
| The low season had just begun when I arrived in Thailand in April 2024. And now that it is high season again, I have experienced my first taste of change. Both seasons have their good and bad points. The weather is much cooler now, and we no longer need to run the aircon at night (although we still use a fan). The days are breezy, which blows the smoke from the farmer's burn-off, away. I'm guessing that because it isn't so hot, people seem to be more pleasant...although this could stem from my own happiness reflecting back at me from others. We went out to a restaurant last week in central Hua Hin and I couldn't believe the number of foreigners I was seeing. In one Soi (street), I saw more Farangs than Thais. I must admit that it made me feel a little uncomfortable. The low season made me feel more special/individual because there are far fewer of us Farangs around. Prices too, have risen, although things are still very cheap compared to Australia. I don't mind the heat because I am from Brisbane, Queensland, and it's a subtropical city. So, although I haven't yet experienced high season in its entirety, I'm looking forward to low season coming around again. I have a friend who is currently staying in Pattaya. I haven't seen him in a long time, and hopefully, we will be catching up on the weekend. He is a global traveller, and when I asked him what his long-term plans were, he laughed and said he had none. I offered to pick him up from the bus when he arrived, however, I was concerned about not being able to carry his luggage on my motorbike. I asked him to send a pic of his bags and when he did, I knew I would not have a problem. It's hard to imagine how anyone could live for months at a time out of a backpack and a shoulder bag. I'm slowly getting my sugar addiction under control by weaning myself off the sweet substance. Sugar is in almost every packaged foodstuff we eat, and adding even more refined sugar to my diet simply wasn't working out for me (or my waistline). In only a month, my pants are easier to do up and I feel better overall. I've noticed that the last few times we have been to a restaurant, in the morning, my throat feels weird. Then, when I brush my teeth, I cough up phlegm. I'm also more thirsty than normal, and my guess is the restaurants are cooking with monosodium glutamate. That got me thinking about my next dietary challenge...eating less salt. Lucky for me my girlfriend loves to cook (although she too loves to add salt) and we will be eating at home a lot more now. |
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