%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
 |
| Doubts, there are aplenty, but the strange thing is...I'm having none. This honeymoon period I thought was 'over baby' was just one day where something happened that brought me down, and can happen to any one of us, on any given day. So, now, I am faced with the dilemma of...when will this honeymoon really end? In the past, I have never allowed myself to believe, "I got this." Because as soon as I do, I will fail. That creates a false sense of security...over-confidence. But now, I'm not so sure. Verbalising is a powerful thing...saying something like the little red engine did... "I think I can...I know I can!" Which got him up and over that hill shows determination rather than arrogance...confidence without spiel. Nothing I have tried in the past has worked and so, perhaps it is time for a change in tactic...instead of under-confidence...HOPING I will stop using, it might be time to believe I can do this, after all, the very definition of madness is repeating the same process and expecting a different result. I'm sure that everyone wants me to succeed...I want me to succeed, but the truth is, I have used meth for so long, have failed on so many occasions that I couldn't hold it against anyone who had their doubts I can do this...and in the past, it was I who doubted me the most. I never really wanted to give her up, she has been with me for so long and was at times the closest thing I had to a friend...but friendships sour...relationships change and what can one day be one thing, can quickly change into something else altogether. Meth and I are co-dependent...were co-dependent...and like someone who finally decided they have had enough of abusive relationships, although far from cured, at that moment, a switch clicks, and they know they will never settle for anything less than respect, love and truth again. The difference is that an abuse victim can find a new partner who will treat them with the respect they always wanted...meth will never do this for me. When someone leaves an abusive relationship, friends and relatives all hope they won't return to that, or another abusive relationship, but I believe that once the switch is flicked, you cease being a victim, and begin the journey of becoming a survivor. My switch has clicked, and I can say right now, without one single doubt in my mind, I will never go back to that, or any other drug, ever again. Today I have not used, nor will I use...tomorrow, or the next day or for the rest of my life. I know...I am not out of the woods yet, my head is not up in the clouds and there is a lot of work to be done, but I will do the work, I will find my way out of the darkness and enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face again...of this, I have absolutely no doubt. |
| Last night, I attended my first group session. The facilitator, Vicki, is a qualified Psychoanalyst, but wasn't there on official business and only wanted to talk to the group and ask questions...hang on...now that's a good shrink...not only did she begin to find out what makes us tick without us even knowing about it, but she waved the $200 per hour fee normal shrinks charge (normal, I will discuss with her next week). Now, back to the serious business of quitting drugs. I arrived early and thought I would edit some old writing on my phone, logged into WDC then halfway through the edit, Vicki arrived and called me and the other victim...I mean client, Alec, into the conference room. The room could have fit twenty or more people around the large oblong table, so the three of us settled in at one end and did the niceties. As I was the newbie and Alec had been before, Vicki went straight for my jugular...which given the short timeframe we have available, I appreciated very much. Vicki then moved onto Alec and then back to me...we had a good rapport, and all felt comfortable when the door opened forty-five minutes into the one and a half-hour session and in walked a fellow who looked like he had had a hard life...skinny with a severely pockmarked face, old clothes with holes and to me, appeared high. His name is Tracy or Tracey...not sure about the spelling because I haven't met a male Tracey before. It was obvious Vicki knew him, ignoring him for the next five minutes and in my mind, this guy didn't belong to 'our' little group. Eventually, she included the intruder and when he began to speak..to tell the group about his week...I felt shame for prejudging him as some old wino junkie who had no right to be there with us. Tracey has been clean for 63 days...he drinks some alcohol but he wasn't drunk and I saw no signs he had any in his system. He told us of the people at the pub who know he is trying to clean himself up asking him to go outside for a pipe to get him back on the meth...he used to go with them because it made him feel included...like they were friends, but in time, he realised they just wanted to sell him drugs and that they were just dropkicks (Australian for users and idiots). He was proud of himself for resisting and so were we...then, the three of us and Vicki got to work in the final few minutes making our plans and declaring our goals for the following week. I said goodbye and on the way out, I saw Tracey and he waved and asked if I would be coming back next week...I waved back and said that I would definitely see him then. Learning, always learning...appearances don't mean shit...it's attitudes and a desire for a better life that counts in this battle I wage, along with people of all walks of life...we all deserve a chance and I think that was the most important thing I took away from my first session. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
