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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Around four weeks ago, I began to try and meditate. I must admit, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. Clearing the mind of all thought, and focusing on each breath is what the experts say to do. Unfortunately, my mind drifts off to all manner of things, and at night, when the lights are out, psychosis becomes an issue. But, I am learning to avoid the faces of demons that come to haunt my 'me time' by asking them nicely to wait until I am finished my meditation session. This normally works, although, not always. I do half an hour of meditation each day, split into two sessions. The first is in the early afternoon for twenty minutes. This is an interesting time because of the images that come to my mind after around five minutes. At first, all I see is the daylight glowing behind closed eyes. Then this scene changes and it is like a central spot begins to appear, growing larger and more noticeable as the minutes pass. It soon becomes hollow and cylindrical, and looks for all the world like a wormhole or portal...or an eye that constantly changes colour from red to orange to purple, pulsating rhythmically as it drifts around in my field of vision. I have several floaters in my eyes (which were likely caused by staying awake for long periods during drug use), but this image of a portal is not connected to any of them. I do the second meditation session just before going to sleep. Since I began doing this, I've found I get to sleep much quicker than before. The hallucinations that come whilst meditating in darkness can be a little offputting. The faces that appear in my field of vision slowly drift towards me and can come from any angle. Sometimes, they end up so close that I lean forward and stare right into the eyes of the spectre. This always brings them a smile and a blink of approval. There has been no real improvement in my psychosis over the last six months, but I am hopeful in time, that will change. Now that I am doing everything in my power to get my mental and physical health back, the thing I need most is patience. I'm still exercising six days a week and enjoying life to the fullest. Remaining positive and acknowledging just how lucky I am to even be alive, let alone living in Thailand, along with all that comes from that, will be the key to my future happiness. The bottom line is that my psychosis is not debilitating, and because of the placebo (or otherwise) effect of believing if I ask for pain relief for my knee when I walk, or an extra boost of energy when I am at the gym, is beneficial if taken with a pinch of salt. All I know is it works 100% of the time, and in those moments, I have learned not to question how. I highly recommend taking up meditation. I'm pretty sceptical, or at least, I was, but the overall benefits I have experienced since taking up the practice far outweigh the small amount of time spent doing it...especially when you consider all it requires is to sit in a quiet place (or like me, with earbuds listening to calming music) with your eyes closed, trying to forget about the problems of the day for just a short while. |
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