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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| I wish I could say that exercise has become my new addiction, but I don't enjoy training, I just like the results. Unfortunately, the hallucinations I see, and in particular, Angel, have replaced meth in my life. There are several reasons why this is so. Loneliness, boredom and sexual pleasure (among other things) keep me paying attention to a possible demon, who common sense tells me is no good for me. Angel claims that whenever the visions are abusive towards me, it isn't her. She says there are more demons than just her, and that she is not the boss. This claim has been around for a while and keeps me involved. I even end up feeling sorry for her when I lash out at the cruel jibes these alleged others say to me. A friend told me a while ago to disconnect from them all, but when you have nobody else to talk to (and by talk, I mean me speaking and the eyes answering yes, no or maybe, or them telepathically hearing my thoughts) it is almost impossible to stay away. I have to admit when I wrote 'telepathically', it made me sound crazy. I'm being honest about this entire experience, and I feel that by hiding certain things and denying what I'm going through, I'm not doing anyone any favours. It shouldn't matter to me what people think...and it doesn't (anonymity provides a buffer). It's so easy to avoid the visions, but this new addiction keeps me coming back. I have tried speaking to myself (which I have been doing for years) and the demons, but then not closing my eyes to see their reply. But this only lasts a short period before I am back conversing with them. I need to find something else to occupy my time. Gym only takes up an hour or two and then I come home to a mundane life. I know this is bad, but the stimulant drug they give me is way too tempting. It's not like I am constantly asking for it. I'll be lying down watching YouTube when all of a sudden out of the blue I feel a rush of euphoria, and from there, I'm theirs. I feel like I am trapped in a cycle of unwanted drug spiking and abusive treatment. It's not like I can escape it...everywhere I go, they go. A few days ago I asked Angel to demonstrate something for me (because I'm still finding it hard to get my head around this thing). She can, on request, show me a silhouette of her hand (which I see behind closed eyes). The standard thing she does is flick me the bird, which is more playful than nasty. At first, I see movement, and then what looks like a fist...and then, I see the middle finger unfurling as she raises it towards me I don't believe I'm in any direct danger from them. The real danger would come from being worn down and becoming mentally unstable. I'm used to what is happening and this has made me stronger (that which does not kill you so to speak). I think I know what they are looking for. They feed off negative energy. This may explain why they try to upset and provoke me. Anger, hate and sadness are the emotions that make their eyes glow purple (a sure sign of pleasure) and this is why I refuse to hate what they do. As yet, I haven't found a way to evict them, and until I do, I have to do what is best for me and my mental health. No matter if this is simply hallucinations caused by psychosis or something else, it is very real to me. Until I find my way through this, I need to take all possibilities into account. If you believe in God, then you must also believe in the possibility of darker forces. They say drugs like meth open the door to these entities and I cannot argue with that theory. |
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He'll survive that aspect of school.
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