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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| It has become a custom that each day when Nada and I go for a walk, she relates stories of her childhood. Nada grew up in extreme poverty, and she remembers many occasions when she and her five siblings had little to eat. Her parents grew rice, and when there was an abundance, they would trade the excess rice with other families in the village for meat and vegetables. They survived, and most of her stories are happy ones...but not all. Nada's older brother was a fifteen-year-old fisherman working in the south of Thailand in 1989 when typhoon Gay struck the Chumpon Province, killing eight hundred thirty-three people. The boat her brother crewed was lost at sea and there were no bodies recovered, despite Nada's Papa searching the coastline for days for his body. Ten years ago, another brother died from sleep apnea. When Nada was fifteen, and despite being a good student, she was sent to Bangkok to work in a sweatshop. Earning only 300 baht (US$9) per month, she was forced to work ten to twelve-hour days, seven days a week. Thankfully, after only three months, the company ceased operations and Nada returned to her village. She learned a lot from her time in the city. Many of the women Nada worked with took advantage of her kindness and vulnerability, borrowing small amounts of money that they never paid back. She was already a good cook and earned food by helping in the kitchen. There are many positive stories Nada recounts as we walk. She knows which plants are edible and which ones are not. After school, she and her siblings would search for mushrooms and cut young bamboo shoots to bring home for food. Ten years ago, Nada also lost her mother. Then, one year ago, Nada's father, who is seventy-eight, broke his leg in a motorcycle accident...although he is well on the road to recovery. The family owns a lot of land, and over the years, Nada has acquired eighteen rai, which includes a rubber plantation and land adjoining her family's plots. After visiting her family and verifying the story Nada told me about her ill-advised lending of money to her younger sister (Nada mortgaged her land to secure the loan), I decided to help by setting up a meeting with the lender and negotiated a new loan to avert the imminent foreclosure. I also helped Nada and her family by loaning her some funds to finish the renovations to her house. I helped her make a budget, and in five years, Nada will be debt-free and will retain her properties outright. In the meantime, her papa will live out his life in Nada's house...which is a far cry from his current living conditions. He sleeps outside on a bamboo bed set up under a high-set house, exposed to the weather and the mosquitoes. And the payoff for me is it feels good to do something positive to help people less fortunate than I am. Soon, Nada and I will marry, and in time (depending on her father's situation), we will move into her house in Isaan. That's the plan, but we are flexible. We shall see where the future takes us. |
| I am concerned about America, and since the US is supposed to be the leader of the free world, I am worried about us all. I feel relatively safe living in Thailand. The country doesn't have huge deposits of minerals that other more ambitious countries, might look to acquire. But, I cannot help but wonder what the future holds. If (as predicted on the 20th of April 2025), the United States declares martial law on the southern border, the ramifications will be terrifying. America was built around a constitution of twenty-seven amendments, and from the outside looking in, I can see many of these rights being eroded by a government that snuck in on a wave of frustration and discord. I don't blame those who voted for the Republicans for what I fear is going to happen. The Democrats offered nothing but the same, and people justifiably rejected the party wholeheartedly. But in all seriousness, who could have predicted what has ensured since January 20? I never thought that Canada (or the EU) would be seen as an enemy of the US. And while Mexico has its problems (with the cartels), simply ignoring the fact that it is the US that creates demand for illegal drugs (and then blames it all on Mexico and Canada) does nothing to get to the core issue as to why so many Americans feel the need to get high. You may laugh at this prediction, but I'm going to put it out there anyway. Within four years, Canada and/or Mexico will be annexed...then Panama and finally, Greenland (if Russia doesn't get there first). The rest of the world will be divided up between China, Russia and the US...if, and that's a big IF, these egomaniacs who rule by force...who jail anyone who protests or reports unfavourably against them and their authority, cannot help themselves in their quest to be the biggest dog on the block and decide to push the button. I heard an interesting theory as to why there has been a spike in UAP sightings...they aren't arriving, they are leaving. |
| Retirement and no longer being a caregiver suits me...as does not being a slave to methamphetamine. Life in Thailand suits me. The weather here is hot and sultry, like in Queensland. And with such cheap electricity bills, the hottest parts of the day (and nights) are easily avoided by running the air conditioner. I bought my BMW 1250 GSA a year ago and I just received my insurance renewal quote. It wasn't cheap, but riding an uninsured and expensive motorbike doesn't make sense, especially here in Thailand, where people drive like there is no police presence on the roads (mainly because there isn't). The bike has only 4000 kilometres on the clock. I've left it stock and it is in original immaculate condition. There are so many modifications that I could have done, but when it comes to resale value, leaving it original will get the best price...especially with such low mileage. I'll keep it for one more year and then sell it and buy something smaller and more practical to ride around town. Soon, Nada's eighteen-year-old son will come and stay with us. He'll be here for a month. I met him for the first time late last year when we travelled by bus to Chonburi, where he attends a private school. We are both looking forward to his arrival. He speaks little English, but I'm sure that by the time he leaves his English and my Thai will have improved. Songkran, or the Thai New Year, begins on April 13. It's a water festival that also marks the end of the high season (for tourists) and the beginning of the wet season. There has been little rain over the last four months in Hua Hin and I'm looking forward to some torrential downpours. As I am writing this post, Nada is feeding me freshly cut mandarine and watermelon. We are both so happy to have found each other. I don't spend much time thinking about the past or planning for the future. I learned a long time ago that the best way to live is to take things one day at a time...and I see no reason to change that philosophy. |
| Psychosis can produce a variety of symptoms. Hallucinations may be auditory or visual; believing what a person sees or hears is real is tagged as suffering from delusions. I've mentioned in previous posts that I suffer from visual hallucinations caused by many years of methamphetamine use and abuse. This was especially true in the year before I was forced to quit. The things I saw became so horrific that I had no choice but to stop, and really, if not for the hallucinations making life a waking nightmare, I would probably still be caught in the cycle of addiction. Over time, these entities I saw when high, and in the weeks and months after I quit meth...hallucinations that I first thought of as friends (but later showed themselves to be anything but), slowly diminished to a manageable level without necessitating the use of antipsychotics. I did see a psychiatrist who prescribed antipsychotics (which I stopped taking after experiencing deliberating side effects). He told me there should be an improvement in my symptoms in around six months. Unfortunately, it appears that I may continue to live with the hallucinations indefinitely. I understand what I say next may be considered as being delusional, but there is one thing I find hard to explain. I accept it is likely that the long-term use of methamphetamine has changed my brain chemistry, and that what I am seeing are likely to be hallucinations. OK...here goes. If I blindfold myself and hold my hand up in front of my face, I at first only see darkness. But after a minute or two, I begin to see the silhouette of my hand. Then, when I move my fingers or rotate my hand, I can see the movement quite clearly. I first discovered this phenomenon around eight months ago and put it down to my mind knowing what the hand is doing, and so, is tricking me into 'seeing' what is logically impossible for me to see. Two months ago I asked Nada to help me by doing the same experiment, only using her hand instead of my own. She is aware of my past addiction and that I suffer from psychosis. She wasn't happy to participate, and after only a few minutes, I stopped the experiment without gaining any insight. Closing my eyes, then holding a pillow to my face and watching my fingers wriggle in the darkness has become something I occasionally do for my own entertainment and to see if it still works. Then this morning, I again asked Nada if she would help. She agreed, and what happened next blew my mind. For the first time, I saw someone else's hand moving when there was no possibility of that happening. Not wanting to press Nada too much, I told her to randomly move her hand or remain still and I would tell her when I saw any movement. According to her, I was correctly predicting her hand movements. I accept that this experiment is far from proof that I am somehow seeing through the pillow, but it certainly gives me something more to ponder. These visions I see might be holograms. There are theories that the universe we live in is a hologram, and as hard as that is to swallow, I have experienced enough to think that theory might be true. The entity I call Angel, who blinks and moves her eyes side to side (for yes and no, or in circles if she is either unsure or simply doesn't care) whenever I think or ask a question, remains a part of my life, and I believe, will do so until I die...and on that day I may finally find out what this is all about. |
| March 7, 2025, marked exactly one year since I relocated to Thailand. It has been a good experience so far. There have been some ups and downs, but overall, I've enjoyed the last twelve months and look forward to many more years here in the land of smiles. Another, even more important occurrence/celebration, was marking one year since I last used methamphetamines. Despite the timeframe, I still consider myself to be in recovery. I no longer suffer from cravings and only occasionally experience drug dreams that haunt me at night. The question of whether I could remain drug-free if I were to return to Australia is one I am not planning on testing...and that leads me to my next concern. On the last day before Nada and I were due to return to Hua Hin from Suwannaphum, I decided to buy a few beers for the workers renovating Nada's house. It is customary towards the end of a job for the owners to 'shout' a few drinks to show appreciation for their efforts. Life in rural Thailand is not immune from addiction, in fact, because of the isolation and with little else to do, alcohol consumption is rampant, especially among Thai men. It was only the second time I had consumed alcohol since relocating to Thailand. Nobody got drunk, and my generosity also served a second purpose by helping make the Farang less of an outsider. At this time, there was an old lady in the village who was dying, and Nada and her sister left me with the workers to pay their respects and say goodbye. This was my first experience being alone with Thais without Nada to translate for me. While Nada was away, I just sat and allowed all of them to talk among themselves. Translation Apps are good for short conversations, and there was one guy in the crew who attempted to use his phone to speak with me. He was a lot more excitable than his friends, and earlier, I had noticed him singing and dancing as he worked. Then, as we spoke, I noticed his movements were jerky and just how hyped up he was. I suspect he was under the influence of Yaba...methamphetamine pills mixed with caffeine. Twice in four days whilst we traversed from our hotel to the village, we saw police checkpoints that were testing for drugs and alcohol. Yaba is a huge problem throughout Thailand, but in particular up north, where millions of tablets are smuggled across the Myanmar border. Corruption is rife, and the vast amounts of money that are made from the sale of substances like meth and Yaba make importations almost impossible to stop. If I were to move to Nada's village, it wouldn't be long before someone offered me drugs. And although I hope I would be strong enough to say no, I think it would be wise to avoid any situation where drugs are involved. |
| Nada and I returned yesterday from a four-day trip to the Isann Province, in North East Thailand...and what an eye-opener it was. The village where Nada's family live is seven kilometres outside of Suwannaphum District, Roy Et, which is six hundred and seventy-six kilometres (or four hundred and twenty miles) from Hua Hin. Google Maps says it takes just over nine hours to complete the journey by car, but I can tell you from experience that catching several buses, plus the waiting times in between, turns it into an ass-breaking fourteen hours between home and hotel and back. Luckily, pain is fleeting and hopefully by the time Nada wants to make the journey home again, I will have forgotten just how hard a day it is. I would love to spend more time complaining about the journey, but I have returned with a new perspective on what a hard day looks like. Sitting on a bus with a slightly sore ass and watching the Thailand countryside roll past is nothing compared to the hardship I witnessed people enduring daily. But, here's the thing... I never saw anyone crying or complaining about their situation. It might be a case where they don't know any different, but I think it is more likely that people there are more stoic, and dare I say, happier than those of us who have all the things we simply take for granted. When we arrived at the hotel, Nada's two nephews delivered a motorbike (the same bike we had sent to them when I bought Nada her new one) for us to use for our stay. The boys were only fifteen and nineteen, and I could tell they had never met a foreigner before. I was surprised at how shy they were, and after a very brief 'wai' they quickly left on the other motorbike. Then, after a long day of travel, we settled into our room and quickly fell asleep. The room was surprisingly comfortable and clean. The staff were friendly, and even though there was no access to YouTube (only local TV was available with no English channels), I have no complaints about the accommodation...even though every morning at 7.30 sharp, we were woken by loud Thai music (which is pumped through speakers placed all around the town), followed by messages promoting local activities, and I suspect, Thai propaganda. Most of the people (ladies) we came across, who were selling street food or at the markets, smiled and asked Nada questions about how she had managed to 'snare' a Farang. Apparently, finding a foreigner and making him your boyfriend in these parts is akin to winning the lottery...which in a lot of ways, is true. There was one place in particular where we stopped to buy fruit and vegetables to take back to the family, and the lady who owned the stall said in English (I think jokingly, but I'm not sure) that she loved me (much to my and Nada's amusement). I certainly received a lot of attention, both good and bad (depending on if the person was male or female) as we wandered through the marketplace near our hotel. There were some smiles (mostly from ladies), but I got more looks of suspicion and perhaps, dislike, especially from the men. In the morning we left our room, and after buying meat, fruit, veggies and other assorted foods and treats, we rode the seven kilometres to Nada's house, which is in the process of being renovated by a close family friend and his crew of five workers. I met Nada's papa, who is seventy-nine, and her older sister (who cares for their father). About a year ago, he was involved in a motorbike accident and broke both bones in his lower leg. He currently has an external fixation in place which is due for removal in three months. After an hour or two of arriving, I needed to pee so I asked Nada where the toilet was. She pointed to the large trees between the rice paddies behind the houses on the property and said to go out there. When I returned, she told me there was a toilet and shower in a small corrugated shed, but she didn't want me to use it because it was 'ucklick' (ugly). They had previously lived without a functional toilet until Nada was around thirteen. There are three buildings spread evenly across the property's frontage. The house on the left belongs to Nada's older sister (Pee Sao), and her two youngest sons sleep upstairs. The next oldest son, who is twenty-nine, sleeps under the house on a bed made from a timber frame and bamboo slats with a traditional pandanus mat (for a soft and comfortable sleep). The middle house is the original home that Nada and her five siblings grew up in. Rest assured, there were no luxuries. They all slept on a mat on the hardwood floor. I would have liked to go upstairs (all the buildings are on high stilts) to see the house, but there were no stairs...and even if there were, the house leans at an angle that I consider likely to fall over at any time. They store previously cut hardwood timber underneath the building to keep out of the weather, and if the house does collapse, they will recycle much of the wood for future building projects Nada's house is the most sturdy, and much to Nada's dismay, I climbed the rickety (and unsafe) stairs to take a look inside. There were no walls and only one large room (which was the same for all three houses). The only thing that provided some privacy for Mama and Papa back then were clothes hung between them and the sleeping children. All three houses are Thai traditional...made from dark hardwood, cut from trees that grew right there on the property and milled on site. It took two years for the wood to dry enough to use as a building material, so there was a lot of planning to be done beforehand. That first day, we stayed until late afternoon, then when we left, we ate food bought from a street vendor in town before going back to our room to get some much-needed sleep. As I lay thinking about my future here in Thailand, I mulled over the pros and cons of relocating to Isaan. I know that Nada would love to return home to her family. The countryside is beautiful and the people warm and friendly, however, there is the old familiar problem of language, which unlike in a tourist spot like Hua Hin, will be a much bigger problem for me in Isaan given very few people speak English (except a few scattered Farangs and Nada). The answer is both simple and complex...I need to learn how to speak Thai...a task very much easier said than done. |
| Considering I am a (former) meth addict, I don't use many drugs. Marijuana makes me paranoid and alcohol turns me into an asshole. I quit both drugs many years ago. Cigarettes are not, and never were, my thing, and after a brief time smoking in my teens, I stopped and never went back. A broken femur when I was seventeen saw me become addicted to painkilling opioids like Pethadine and Omnopon. But once the leg healed enough so that I no longer required any painkilling injections, I never used opioids again. I've never been a fan of pharmaceuticals and only ever took them for the purpose they were prescribed. When I arrived in Thailand one year ago, I could go to any pharmacy in Phuket and buy Benzodiazapam without a prescription. The drug helped me cope with the withdrawals from meth and the acute psychosis I was experiencing at that time. Once I moved to Hua Hin, I stopped using Valium. It's unavailable over the counter here and I realised I was becoming dependent on them. The symptoms of psychosis, whilst diminishing over time, continued after moving to Hua Hin, so I went to see a Psychiatrist who prescribed an antipsychotic called Seroquel. The drug only made my symptoms worse, and after just a few weeks, I decided to discontinue using it. It wasn't just the increased hallucinations that brought me to that decision. The side effects were overwhelming. I developed a movement disorder in my legs, akathisia and a dry mouth. Fear of gaining weight also played a part. In short, the negative effects far outweighed any promised benefits and after three days of withdrawals, I swore I would never take antipsychotics again. These days, I only take one medication (Cialis) for erectile dysfunction, and I've started to notice some side effects. Once again, the issue is with my legs, and after taking the drug, I feel a dull ache in my quadriceps. I also experience pain in my feet, which could be gout. Cialis doesn't just help with ED. It also helps with urination issues associated with an enlarged prostate. Nada is convinced I don't need to take Cialis and recommends ginger and garlic. ED isn't a major issue (for her), but taking a medication like Cialis doesn't just help me physically, but mentally as well. It gives me confidence in the bedroom and the feeling that I won't 'fail' my girlfriend. While I know that isn't an issue for her, as a man who cares about having a satisfying sexual relationship, it does play on my mind. If there is one thing that's a constant when taking meds, it's that nothing comes for free and there will always be a price to pay for any benefit gained. |
| I haven't posted in five days, and after this amount of time, I find myself thinking I have to keep regular readers informed on how things are going for me. My position in the past was that if I didn't feel inspired to write a post, then I would wait. I would love to use the excuse that I have been too busy, but that simply isn't true. Since I am, to a degree, lazy, this may go some way to explain my lack of desire/inspiration to update this blog. I fear being boring more than I fear losing people who read about my life on this blog...and therein lies the issue. I have led a fairly boring existence since I decided to move to Thailand and clean up my act. Truth be told, I am happiest when doing scant little. Most days I wake up late (around 8.30 am), eat breakfast and read the news on my laptop. After drinking my only coffee for the day, I check for emails and reply to any comments on the blog...appreciating those kind enough to take the time to give me their thoughts. Once I am finished, I watch YouTube for about an hour. Nada wakes up earlier than I do. She usually eats a small breakfast and then washes clothes or does some ironing until I wake up. We eat lunch together before I do a workout or, on my off day, go and get a few items from the store. Later in the afternoon, we usually take a nap (today we both slept for two hours and didn't rise until 6.00 pm). I take a shower whilst Nada cooks dinner. Before I go, I help peel vegetables and wash some dishes. After dinner, we clean up and Nada does her exercises. I then sit on the couch and watch YouTube while Nada talks to friends and family on her phone. We go to bed around 11.30 pm. Nada falls asleep quickly, however, it takes me a while to get to sleep. If all of that isn't boring enough for you then I don't know what is. In one week it will be the anniversary of my arrival here in Thailand (and a year since I last used meth). Normally, I would celebrate such a milestone by getting high, but this year, I will pass on that and instead, enjoy a quiet night at home with my beautiful girlfriend. Things are good and I am happy to live this boring life I lead. |
| Since I met Nada six months ago, I've noticed something was off. I couldn't put my finger on what was going on, and although I did ask her several times, she denied anything was wrong. What was bothering her she had suppressed and pushed to the back of her mind, but in an intimate relationship, any skeletons will bubble to the surface and rear their ugly heads sooner or later. About a week ago, Nada decided to confess and tell me that she is in debt to the tune of around 600k baht (US$18000). Our relationship is now being affected by an STD (a sexually transmitted debt). It isn't a huge amount in my world, but for a relatively poor, forty-seven-year-old Thai woman, it is an almost insurmountable sum...especially considering she only has seven months to come up with the money. The back story is long and complex and I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say Nada trusted someone (a close family member) she shouldn't have, and took a loan for 200k baht, mortgaged against the house and large block of land her mother left her when she died. That was ten years ago and for the past eight years, no repayments have been made to service the loan. Of course, I questioned EVERYTHING. Why would she let this situation get so out of hand (allowing the interest to triple the initial loan amount)? Why did she risk everything when she should have said no when asked to loan her family member the money? Questions that don't bring any resolution or help me understand how she could end up in such a predicament. I can only see things from a Farang perspective. It appears to me that logic goes out the door when dealing with the mindset of a Thai. Add to this the house she borrowed against, which is at high risk of foreclosure, she decided (before informing me of the debt) to renovate, at a cost of over 100k baht. At first, I smelled a rat. Why she would think it a good idea to do home improvements when she should have instead used the money to pay off some of the debt she owes, still baffles me. Perhaps she thought that I (her soft-hearted Farang boyfriend) would save the day...or that after eight years of promising to pay back the money, the family member would suddenly have a change of heart and do the right thing (as unlikely as that is). At least now I know what has been causing Nada's sadness, and after much consternation, I have helped come up with a plan that might save Nada from losing her house and land. I could, if I chose, pay the debt for her. But that isn't going to do me, and therefore, our relationship, any good. Luckily, Nada does have other assets (a ten rai, working rubber plantation that she fully owns) that she can borrow against. Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul isn't usually a good plan, but desperate times call for desperate measures. One option I suggested was to simply allow foreclosure and start afresh. The trouble with that is Nada's seventy-nine-year-old papa lives in the house and last year, he had a motorcycle accident that fractured both bones in his lower leg. He still has external fixations in place and is a long way off being fully rehabilitated. Becoming homeless at this point in time is not something anyone wants to see happen. There is a part of me (my heart) that wants to help Nada financially, but my head is telling me no. At one point, I suspected a scam. Nada couldn't produce a contract for the loan and the question of why she would spend money on renovations made me suspicious (and to a degree, still do). But then, she did prove she had transferred 200k from her account to her relative's account ten years ago, and even for a Thai, this appears to be way too elaborate of a scheme to pull off. In any case, it's not my responsibility to save anyone but myself. It is possible that she can save her property, and her papa can live out his life in her house in Isaan. She will be paying the debt for many years to come (if she can pull it off) and I will support her emotionally (and to a degree, financially) all the way. |
| For most people, giving five-star reviews may be the easiest ones to write. However, I (mostly) shy away from providing such high acclaim because, in reality, nothing is perfect—not written stories, restaurants, service providers, or hotels. On the flip side, who (in all decency) would enjoy regularly handing out one—and two-star reviews? This is especially true when dealing with a person or business that is obviously trying to deliver...even if they fall short in various areas. In saying all of that, the hardest rating for me to give is three stars. It is neither here nor there, and this is where I find myself tonight after the hotel we stayed at in Bang Saphan requested a review. The trouble is they landed squarely in the middle, providing some good and some bad experiences over the three nights we were there. I must admit I wasn't in the best frame of mind when we arrived at the establishment. The night before, Nada sat me down and said she had something she needed to tell me. As we all know, those words rarely produce a good outcome, especially when followed by, "Promise me you won't get mad." Of course, I refused her request, and although the news wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, thinking she might say, "I was once a bar girl" or "I have HIV", it still wasn't a great thing to hear...especially considering we were just about to leave for a romantic three-night getaway at a rather expensive resort. I'm not going to get into the details of what she said here because this post isn't about that (I might get into it more in a later post), but I will say that it was about an STD. One can contract many things when falling in love. Some are more easily treated than others, whilst some can be life-threatening, but the STD Nada has shared with me is neither. It is, unfortunately, a sexually transmitted dept. I suppose it could be worse, but I do wish she had been honest with me earlier, instead of waiting six months to reveal her dirty little secret. Anyway, back to the real story here...the hotel was old. Our room had recently received a fresh lick of paint, although in keeping with Thai style, they hadn't done a great job. The floor wasn't as clean as I would have liked, and the promised ocean view was almost completely obscured by the next building. Thankfully, the bed was comfortable (although neither of us slept well during the first two nights because of the ongoing discussions we had about her lack of transparency over her financial predicament) and the food at the hotel restaurant was well-priced and delicious. Breakfast (I was foolish enough to pay for in advance) on the other hand, was underwhelming. Lesson learned, and in future, I will pay for breakfast once I know what it is like. The pool was beautiful, although the location, which was right on the beach, lacked the WOW factor the online photos purported. The staff were friendly and helpful and did their best under somewhat difficult circumstances. The hot water in our shower stopped working after one night, although we don't have hot water at home and are used to showering in cold water (it was nice to have a hot shower on that first night though). In cases like this, I find it hard to say what I truly think in a public review. I owe it to the community to give an honest opinion, but also feel that saying negative things about a business that is likely struggling to stay afloat, is not the right thing to do. It isn't much different to giving reviews here on WdC...where the truth can help someone become a better writer, but can also cause them pain. I think most people, when faced with an average experience, will inevitably pass on giving their thoughts, and as much as that is, to some degree, a copout, it is, in most cases, the best (and most sensible) thing to do. |
| One of my favourite Australian movies is Babe. A scene in the movie reminds me of my new life in Thailand. In the movie, Fly, the sheepdog, begins to speak very slowly to the sheep because (in her mind) it is a cold fact of nature that sheep are stupid, and nothing can convince her otherwise. After she finished talking, the sheep spoke very slowly, for (in their mind) it is a cold fact of nature that wolves are ignorant, and nothing can convince them otherwise. How does this relate to my life in Thailand? Well, in general, Thais are not very worldly. Nada has never heard of Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Leonardo Da Vinci, Marilyn Munroe or Hollywood. She does, however, know what plants we can and cannot eat if the world as we know it ends. She understands Thai culture and can (mostly) explain to me, in a language that is not her own, why they do the things they do. It has taken me a while to adjust to her lack of knowledge about pretty much anything outside her country of birth. I must admit there have been times when I have thought Thais are a little stupid, ignorant, or simple. The irony is that I believe they think similarly about Farangs (hence the 'Babe' reference). My landlord, who happens to be in a relationship with Nada's sister, told me that he is arranging for a pest controller to come and spray the house for termites. When I told Nada, she explained that she had found some evidence of ants and alerted her sister. She didn't think to let me know; after all, what would a Farang know about termites? She probably didn't want to bother me about the situation, but I did feel a little miffed. I went to check it out for myself and found very little to worry about. The house is mostly made of concrete, and what little wood there is is not pine but hardwood. Termites are not keen on eating it (although they will chew through hardwood to get to pine). Nada has been back from her trip to Isaan for a few days now, and we are settling back into a routine. On Sunday, we leave for Bang Saphan...a three-hour ride south of Hua Hin. We will spend three nights at a 4-star resort that's located right on the beach. I'm not planning on leaving much of an inheritance for my offspring...but I am planning to enjoy life before I die, and I won't be sparing any expense along the way. |
| Nada has been away for two days, and already I feel better about our relationship. Too much of a good thing can spoil anything, from sugar in your cup of coffee to how much constancy one can bear when living together. I genuinely miss her, even though we message each other every day. There will always be advantages and disadvantages to any situation, and right now, I am focused on the positives that come from having some alone time. I still walk every day and do weights every other day. This routine provides for so much more than just my physical well-being. Mentally, I am stronger now than I have been in decades, and even though I do experience some short-term memory issues, overall, I am doing well. Writing blog posts and Nada teaching me Thai helps to keep my mind active, and hopefully, these symptoms won't become too much of an issue going forward. The symptoms of psychosis are slowly diminishing, and unless I make the effort to contact Angel and her friends (by closing my eyes and focusing) I hardly experience any hallucinations or negative issues. The only time I superfluously 'see' Angel is when I close my eyes to sleep at night, and these days, because the whole thing is very much under control, I will say hello and ask if she is happy. I then say goodnight and she blinks, I guess to let me know she wishes me the same. The whole 'fake news' thing is not just perpetrated by media outlets eg; Fox vs ABC and CNN, but is also pushed, perhaps inadvertently, by algorithms. No matter which side of politics we are on, especially when sourcing content online, the algorithm will provide more of the same, which does not provide a balanced viewpoint or get us closer to the truth. Perhaps truth is something no one is interested in anyway...especially when it gets in the way of belief. |
| Since meeting Nada five months ago, we haven't spent a night apart...going from go to whoa in an instant. I must admit I am starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining (well, perhaps a little), but the constant attention and never getting any 'me time' is wearing down my patience. Nada's sister has been having financial problems recently, and it appears that her issues are becoming 'our' issues—and this will not do. Yesterday, Nada spent most of the day supporting her sister in court, and while this was a temporary relief for me, when she got back, she was morose and silent. It was obvious that things had not gone well for her sister. As Nada's boyfriend, I feel I must support her when she is feeling down, but this morning, Nada informed me that she had a headache. Her period is due soon, and the pain is probably related to this. It seems every month is the same and is something I am going to have to get used to. There are other things going on. It appears that sex has become a chore for my girlfriend, and having to book time for lovemaking around her other duties, as well as attending to her sister's issues, isn't helping. I feel less desired than I did when we first met, and while this is a natural transition, I am not one to accept being relegated to the back of the queue. I am the only one who initiates sex, and in my opinion, this isn't healthy for a relationship. Tomorrow, Nada leaves to visit her family in Roi Et. She will be gone for three or four days. I'm not sure if I should bite my tongue and say nothing before she leaves or share how I am feeling. In situations like this, I cannot help but miss the old days when I dealt with my own problems and took care of myself. |
| Growing up in 70s Australia, I witnessed plenty of racism, but my young mind couldn't grasp the pain that was caused. Jokes about Aboriginals and Asians were common, and I admit that I was as guilty as anyone for not walking a mile in the shoes of those we laughed at. Once I began to realise the hurt, not just racism, but sexism caused to the community, my attitude changed and I became more tolerant towards minority groups and women. But over the years, the pendulum of 'acceptance' has swung too far and, in my opinion, we now live in a world where the majority have had enough and are pushing back against 'wokeism' in all its forms. This has caused a shift in moderate voter attitudes and has seen the right-wing movement gain traction in almost every country. Extremism on either side is bound to negate and divide moderate and common-sense attitudes within a population. It has come down to having to choose a side, and instead of compromise, there is conflict, with hate fueling both sides and in some cases, giving rise to people willing to use intimidation and violence to promote their agenda. These are worrying times. The 2024 election result in the US is a testament to just how pissed people are with the current trend of bending to left-wing extremism. Trump knew this and took full advantage of the fatal flaws within the woke movement and it never being enough. The pendulum may swing wildly back and forth over the next decade unless, at least in the US, Project 2025 is fully implemented, and in that case, the world may have a brand-new dictator...someone who will stop at nothing to hold onto power. On a different note...I hate to say this, but my girlfriend is a racist. And it isn't the usual black hates white (or visa versa) hates Asians either. Nada doesn't like people from surrounding countries, who let's face it, are the same race as her. People from Myanmar, according to Nada, come here and breed like rabbits. They take jobs away from Thais (even though they do the lowest-paid jobs that the majority of Thais aren't interested in doing anyway) and are, by and large, dangerous because of the effects of the civil war most of them have been exposed to. Nada thinks Cambodians are all "scammers" and that the Chinese are arrogant and stingy. Nada is from Roi Et, in the Isaan Province. Those from Laos, on the opposite bank of the Mekong River, aren't much better than those from any of the previously mentioned countries. The list goes on and even includes Thais who live in the south of the country who are predominantly of the Islamic faith. There have been military clashes between Islamic insurgents and Thai security forces in the past, but these days, most of the 'fighting' is done on social media. Strangely, my girlfriend would never date a Thai. I used to think this was solely because many Thai women see Farangs as a possible avenue out of poverty. But she says white skin is more attractive than brown skin (which most Thais have), and I find this funny because I prefer her skin colour over mine. In normal circumstances, I would try and educate Nada on the perils of holding such views, but given our limited ability to communicate our deepest feelings, I will simply accept that some people hold values that differ from my own, and there are times when arguing about these things is a complete waste of time. |
| Thai authorities have been pushing to tax incoming overseas funds from ex-pats. This, along with the immigration demands (90-day reports and once-a-year applications for visa extensions), adds stress to my everyday life. I didn't move to Thailand to be a slave to bureaucracy or to endure sleepless nights worrying about issues that may or may not be relevant to my circumstances. I've watched endless YouTube videos about the new tax system being touted, and I am no closer to understanding whether or not I need to report my earnings and file taxes here. Australia and Thailand have a double tax treaty, and any earnings from interest on my term deposit account over a set amount I will have to pay tax to the Australian tax authorities. To try to gain some extra clarity, Nada and I woke up early today and went to the Thai version of the IRS, but the result was even more confusing than before. I support myself financially with savings held in an Australian bank account that I then transfer as needed into my Thai bank account. I have already paid tax on these funds. I'm too young to claim a pension in Australia (and from what I gathered from the Thai IRS, pensions are what they focus on). The good (and bad) news is that even if I were the required age to claim a pension (sixty-seven), I would not be eligible because I live overseas, which inadvertently removes me from the Thai government's sights. In seven years, if I were to consider moving back to Australia to claim a pension, the amount paid would only cover my rent, and with the high cost of living there, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to make ends meet. This afternoon I watched a YouTube channel called Integrity Legal, which is hosted by the American attorney Benjamin Hart. He made a very good observation and according to him, there have been no changes to Thai tax law requiring foreigners to file taxes. Thailand is a strange place in terms of legal matters. There is constant talk of change to Thai law, but it rarely happens...and even when it does, it often takes years before changes are codified. In light of this new information, I'm going to forget about whether or not I have to file taxes in Thailand. If there is a problem in the future, I will deal with it then. In the meantime, I'm going back to enjoying retirement in this beautiful (and cheap) country. |
| I consider myself to be a hybrid cross between a Buddhist and a Christian...hand-picking ideologies of both beliefs and converting them into a philosophy that works for me. Before making Thailand my new home, I had a rather naive viewpoint of Buddhist monkhood...thinking monks to be beyond reproach. The image of men wearing orange robes and sandals, with shaved heads and eyebrows, who solemnly devote their lives to the ways of Theravada Buddhism; men who wake up early to live a meek lifestyle by receiving offerings from the community, has been shattered by the reality that they are just like everyone else...prone to temptation and sometimes live lives that contradict the ways of Buddha. Of course, I shouldn't have been surprised when Nada told me (on one of our visits to a particular temple), that they (the temple) were very rich. She quietly whispered, so that no one but me could hear, that they were also corrupt. Money, it seems, is the root of all evil...not just within most organised religions, but also within the monkhood. When we got home, Nada showed me YouTube videos of monks driving expensive Mercedes Benz cars and being caught out 'boom-booming' not just single ladies, but married ones as well. Thinking back to the temple visit, it became obvious why there were so many boxes for donations located almost everywhere on the grounds. It was just as organised as any church fare you might see in the West...selling all manner of foods, drinks and associated paraphernalia. Upon reflection, the place wreaked of greed...and the only reason Nada even went was because I had seen the temple in my Google search and wanted to check it out. Not all temples are like this...in fact, very few are. Most temples support humble monks who live per their beliefs. But it does go to show that no matter what belief system people follow, it is human nature to be tempted by wealth and power no matter what country they live in. |
| One of the most difficult things about living in Thailand is not being able to speak the language. It's hard enough to exchange ideas when it's just Nada and me, but in situations like today, when her nephew has come to visit, I feel more isolated than ever. I am unable to join in the conversation, and yet I don't want to appear ignorant, which is a challenge I am glad doesn't happen daily. I'm not crying in my beer, but not having people around me I can relate to and talk freely with has become an issue. Thankfully, I spent an hour last night speaking to my best friend, who lives in the US, on Skype. Our brief conversations helped relieve my feelings that I was a long way from home. I never was much of a social butterfly, and although my reclusive ways are natural to me, they are not helping me settle into a new country. Meeting other ex-pats isn't easy. For some reason, most people I come across are standoffish at best...and at worst, are simply ignorant. I guess they didn't move to Thailand to hang out with other Farangs. I admit that I am just as guilty as those I point the finger at because when Nada and I go into town after dark to a restaurant, the number of foreigners I see walking along the streets makes me long for the low season to come around again. But no matter the situation, there will be positives and negatives, and so far in my journey, the good far outweighs the bad. In a way, I'm glad I burned my bridges back in Australia. Subconsciously, I must have known there would be days like today, when I miss seeing faces that look like mine and hearing people I can understand and converse with. Fortunately, there is nothing worthwhile for me to go back to, and unless I am forced to leave by ill health or by the Thai authorities, Australia offers little incentive for me to return. It's only been ten months since I arrived in the land of smiles. I'm beginning to learn some Thai, although I will never understand the language. Luckily, Nada helps a lot, and without her support, things would be less enjoyable. She does translate when I want to speak to the locals we meet, and yesterday, while we were out on our walk, we came across the same lady we met two weeks ago. She's a beautiful soul, who is my age and owns four cows that she tends to daily. She and her son live in a tiny shack that just a few weeks before I remarked to Nada about how people could live in such conditions. Yet despite living in such poverty, this lady is always smiling. I asked Nada to translate for me. I offered the lady some money, and at first, she looked surprised. Then her pride kicked in and she waved her hands to say no. I bowed and asked her to please accept my gift...and so, she did. It wasn't much money to me, and the truth is, it wasn't about the money at all. The amazing feeling I got as we walked away was unforgettable. Knowing that one good deed was only a small part of my mission...that my being here isn't just about what Thailand can do for me, but what I can do to help the Thai people. |
| I've sourced most of the things I will need in case of a disaster. Nada and I can survive a few months with what we have, but I wonder what preparations a person of faith would make. To leave their fate in the hands of God seems 'logical', but the will to survive is strong, and just because they may be willing to face Armageddon (or leave it up to God and hope for rapture) doesn't mean they want themselves or their children, to die before they are due. I have always sat on the fence about belief in a higher power, and it is a position that brings me little solace. What if those who believe in the second coming are right and it happens soon? Will I be condemned for having doubts? And now that the end may be nigh, playing the 'wait and see' game isn't as easy as I anticipated. I'm sure the scientific community (and those who follow their doctrine, who are just as sure in their opinions as the religious folk), look at us non-conformists and chuckle among themselves for being so naive even to consider the possibility of the existence of God. I used to debate with my mother about the likelihood of there being a creator. To me, it was more fun banter than anything else. But if my arguments became too littered with logic, not long afterwards, I would invariably kick my little toe on something hard. This always brought a wry smile to her face and a quick apology from me...both her and her protector. I have always been clumsy, but it sure gave me food for thought. Lately, due to the negative stuff I have been seeing on YouTube, and the signs that may or may not indicate the end of times, my thinking has gone like this. It makes no sense to side with the pragmatic and logical thinkers, after all, their promise of nothingness (even though that was the 'reality' before I was born) after I die, won't see me high-fiving those around me on my deathbed. Yet, I cannot help but feel somewhat of a sellout/fraud to suddenly shift my fence-sitting ways and fall over to the side that offers the highest chance at something other than nothing. One could (if they weren't as scared as I am to say it out loud) say that this late repenting thing may not be good enough, especially to those who have dedicated their lives to their beliefs and perhaps lived a life of lesser sin than me. Of course, (if questioned) they (the believers) would deflect such matters, saying that it isn't up to them, but to God. I cannot help but think there may be a few noses out of joint if, after arriving in heaven, it is filled with not just the staunch believers, but a bunch of recently reformed agnostics...people who at the last minute, and upon seeing the signs, decided to change their views on the off chance that the scientists and atheists may be wrong after all. Two years ago, I wrote a short story "Heavens Above"  that I am now looking at and thinking, will my clever (or not so clever) little story, in which I have a 'mild' dig at Christians and their faith, be my downfall? Should I delete it and pray for forgiveness? Distancing myself from such a blasphemous attempt at satire? I think not...mainly because it was written for entertainment purposes only, and was not meant to offend any one particular group or their higher being. And with that, I may have just ruined any chance I had at eternal life in paradise. |
| Two days ago while we were on our walk, Nada and I called into our local 7-Eleven to get milk. I waited outside, and when Nada came out of the store, she urged me to weigh myself on the scales by the entrance doors. Out of fear, I hesitated momentarily, before giving in to curiosity. It turned out to be one Baht I wished I had never spent. Ignorance truly is bliss. When I arrived in Hua Hin in April 2024, the bathroom scales in my rented townhouse told me I was 92kg (202 lbs). Considering my fight weight in the mid-90s was 67kg, that number seemed excessive. So, I joined my local gym and set about reversing the trend of upward weight gain. I knew that giving up meth was going to present more than just mental health issues, and as my body began to return to normality, there was a chance I would gain weight. I didn't fit into the stereotype meth junkie look, after all, I didn't want friends and family questioning any weight loss that might come from not eating for days on end. When I was high, I would force myself to eat just to avoid those situations. But, as hard as I tried over the following months, the scales showed an ever-increasing weight gain. To try and reverse the gains, I increased my cardio, and after six months of sweating it out on the machines at the gym, my weight levelled out at around 98kg. Then, I met Nada and stopped training for four months...and during that time, I succumbed to her cooking abilities. There is no one but myself to blame for what the scales were telling me (even though Nada was the one who 'forced' me to eat her wonderful food). I had to face reality, and as I stared at the scales, the voice inside my head told me the shocking truth. "Hi, my name is Neil, and I weigh 102kg." For a few moments, I wallowed in self-pity and experienced a 'woe is me' moment. Nada did her best to cheer me up by telling me it doesn't matter about my weight because she loves fat guys, which despite the blunt instrument of that statement, brought a smile to my face. You see, I was overweight when Nada met me, and I do not doubt that she is telling the truth. She loves me for who I am and what I bring to the relationship (laughter, honesty, leadership, financial security and great sex...LOL) and I am not going to allow a few kilos of fat to ruin this relationship. I'm working hard to reduce some of the excess weight I am carrying. But, no matter what the scales say, I am happy, healthy and living the life I dreamed of before embarking on this new adventure in Thailand. |
| My thoughts go out to all those affected by the fires in California. It got down to a chilly 20C (68F) last night and will peak at 27C (81F) today. There are a lot of particles in the air from farmers burning off their fields Yesterday, I bought face masks that are rated P2.5. I can feel the effects of breathing smoke-filled air in my lungs, and it is one thing I didn't count on when I decided to move to Thailand. I knew there was smoke up north, but I had no idea smoke was a problem throughout Thailand and SE Asia (or how long it would last). It's been hazy for weeks now. I keep the windows and doors closed most of the time, and whenever I go outside, I wear a mask. Nada and I are getting along famously. I haven't forgotten the plans I made in the years I spent alone. It's the little things that count in a relationship, and not a day goes by that I don't tell Nada how lucky I am to have met her, how much I love her and how beautiful she is. When she is cooking (we have an outdoor kitchen), I love to watch her prepare our meals. We talk and laugh and I taste-test the food before we come inside to eat. Afterwards, I regularly do the dishes. I also enjoy helping with the housework...not just because it is the right thing to do, but because it often gets me more than just a thank you. It appears the symptoms of psychosis are waning. I don't want to get my hopes up, but the hallucinations are lessening. It's been over ten months since I last used meth, and this, plus the exercise and having Nada in my life, maybe the 'cure' I have wished for. I'm not getting too far ahead of myself. I will always be susceptible, especially when tired or stressed, but for now, things are going great. It's good to have someone in my life who is real and says more than yes, no or maybe. I plan to keep Nada around for the long term because the benefits far outweigh the occasional annoyances that are the norm with any relationship. |
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