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 |  New neuro-pathways after a brain tumor. My thoughts and experiences. |
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When someone wants to know how I am doing? My usual reply is, “Seven Degrees Left of Center”. Following a severe seizure, an MRI revealed a tumor the size of a lime in my brain. September 2019 is when this occurred. Situated one inch left and seven degrees from the center of my brain, the tumor touched the hippocampus. The part of the brain that handles language and memory. Every day is like starting over because my memories of the previous day are mostly gone. I’m gradually learning to adapt. |
| I have developed an exercise asking my brain, "What are you going to do for me today?" Each day has its own challenges based on the previous day's activities. I cannot write every day. Some days, my brain just cannot make the connections needed to complete a sentence. I know that sounds weird. I even find it weird. As the gears grind and turn, my brain replies, "Move forward, ever forward." With that, I am writing this short note to warm up my keyboard figures and proceed with today's writing activities. |
| I have a problem with living in the past. What happens is I have grown attached to the memories I do have? But that creates a problem. I find myself spending too much time on nostalgia. I can remember the event from high school as if it just happened. Then, I have a harder time letting it go. Intellectually, I know it is history. Emotionally, it is fresh. I am still working on resolving the trauma from everything. The brain tumor, the heart attacks, and the recovery I am still experiencing. I find I forget to focus on the present. Being here right now is more important than the past anyway. We cannot change the past, so why do I get stuck there? So moving forward, I want, I dearly say need, to stay more present. I think it will do us all good to be more present. |
| Today, I want to share a funny story. A few weeks after the surgery, my wife took me out for dinner. In many ways, my brain was still traumatized. But I was ready and willing to get out of the house. The restaurant makes my favorite sandwich with tater tots, so I ordered the "Variety Sandwich with Tootsie Rolls." I was proud of myself—until I noticed the waitress looking at me confused. My wife snickered and asked, "Tootsie Rolls?" "No," I said, "The Variety Sandwich with Tootsie Rolls." The waitress, "I'm sorry, we don't have Tootsie Rolls," started to snicker with my wife. This went on for a couple of minutes before I connected the dots. I was thinking of tater tots, but the words Tootsie Rolls came out. I could not say "tater tots" every time I tried "Tootsie Rolls," is what I said. So, in the end, I got french fries. I could say, "french fries." I hope this made you grin or chuckle.  Have a blessed day. |
| Chronic short-term memory loss has a negative impact on those I love. The most devastating period is between 1990 and 2019. I equate it to a bad memory chip on a computer. Not everything is lost. Yet, enough is to make life difficult. During this time, my children graduated from high school and started their families. There are pictures I do not recognize and letters I cherish to reread. I sure wish I had kept a blog or journal back then. Today, I don't write daily, but I do try to write after events I know I want to remember. This blog has helped me get some things off my chest. It's a surprise that anyone finds it interesting. Thank you to those who read and those who offer encouragement. I see you. |
| I struggle with making time. I find it much easier to waste time. Today is one of those days. It is 3:30 p.m., and nothing has been accomplished. This is a sign of my depression. Knowing it exists is one thing. Writing about it is very hard. Yet, writing about depression is getting something done. Isn't that a win? I never knew about depression before the brain tumor. I may have had some level of depression. I don't remember being depressed. But there are several things I don't know. One thing I learned is it is okay to say I am depressed. Most importantly, it is okay, I am getting help to deal with it. And it is okay to make time to talk about it. |
One of the fascinating things about memory loss is getting to do do-overs involving movies, TV shows, and music. I sometimes recognize the titles but do not remember the art. I have gotten to see movies like 'Back to the Future' and 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly' again for the first time. The same goes for music. I have even enjoyed reading more because everything is a new adventure. Not everything about memory loss is terrible. While it is still frustrating, it can also be fun to experience things again for the first time. |
| I have spoken about this before: Time Travel. I experience this phenomenon occasionally, though not as often as I did a few years ago. What happens is a group of memories are reconnected all at once. This is more common when I meet someone I haven't seen in several years, especially if I haven't seen them since the brain tumor. The experience is surreal. It isn't like a movie, but it kind of is. I experience the memories in real time as if they were happening again. The brain is a complex recorder. I have come to believe every minute of every day is recorded. We haven't evolved or learned how to tap the vast storage of memories. So, I get to go back in time and relive events. Now that I have gotten used to the phenomenon, it is kind of cool. |
| Timing is something I do not have a grip on. Being on time and having time are essential in our daily lives. Being present can change any situation. Time is something I have probably focused too much on. I have little to no sense of time. Things I remember are remembered as "the other day." I can't tell you if it was yesterday or three years ago. I have noticed lately that time and memory are disconnected. History is my problem. I do not remember events with a dated record; I just remember them as the other day, if I remember them at all. This causes a problem in writing. I have spent the last week intentionally and with great effort focused on a short story. I managed almost 11K words before losing the story. I don't know if I will post it yet. But it is the longest work to date. Before, I lost it in the crevasses of my brain. |
| I had a memory flash this week. What does that mean? Well, I remembered something from 5 years ago. A project I was working on where I worked. I have stayed in contact with the people I worked with. They have been/are great supporters in my recovery. Anyway, I asked if they were still working on the project I didn't get to finish. No, they weren't working on it anymore; they were just using it as is. The software produces a daily report. However, several line items need to be fixed manually. Up jumps my memory. I had written some code that automatically updates the lines. The code wasn't turned on because I hadn't finished the data set. Anyway, it is a more significant win for them than for me. The report is fully automated; they didn't know for the past five years. My win is that I remembered a technical detail from before the brain tumor, and it is still valid. Go, me. |
| Learning about AI-assisted writing made me realize it is like a drug. At first, it seems really cool and even trendy. However, it can take over the process of individual creativity. I suffered a brain injury five years ago. The result is permanent memory issues. I admit I use Grammarly to help with spelling and grammar. Without it, I can barely write ideas into readable wordage. I asked the wrong question the other day. The question should have been more personal. At what point am I using AI instead of my originality? AI-assisted writing is a slippery slope I do not want to slide down. I have to admit the tools are tempting. Thank you to https://www.writing.com/main/newsletters/action/archives/id/12976 by Max Griffen |
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Are you taking fish oil? It’s supposed to help the brain.
), I also have a brain injury, so I had completely forgotten about your blog. 
I'm SUPER glad you tagged me or I might never have read another post again. 
So, definitely use that thing that asks if you want to announce that you added a blog post. It will prompt me to read it. 
The words might not come as easily, but the talent is still there. 
That's amazing! I'm so happy for you because I'm sure that initial result was devastating! 
