Wow. This reads like a cross between Roger Ebert's voice and Spock's.; lol. I've never read the Zelazny books but now maybe I'll give them a try. I like the way the main character, never named, encounters others, also never named. I like how you write in the narrative format. You enjoy telling stories from that point of view, I've noticed.
The ending is tragic and surreal - I love how you use the word eons, which rings with infinity in a way most words can't. Then the hint of the future, tearing the world apart, longing to go home, knowing it will be an interminable time. Gives me a shiver.
This definitely deserved the win! Congratulations!
Wow, this is creepy. The concept of nothing BEING, of it COMING AFTER YOU. Nothing would have to be something, then, wouldn't it? (My mind is spinning). ~shivers~
One suggestion: keep the whole thing in present tense: You have -->
--There is nothing. The world had stopped.--
Maybe "the world has stopped" or "The world stopped." ?
And here: You have -->
"As the night holds its breath.
As if it was waiting for something."
I think both lines would be more powerful without the words "as." And again, keeping the present tense, like this maybe:
"The night holds its breath.
It is waiting for something."
I think using present tense was a wise choice...
I also like reading, horror and especially enjoy old-school Steven King. My favorite is The Shining.
Clear imagery with a strong rhythm and wonderful play of sound -- I love the second stanza especially, with all its alliteration, the kind that never feels like alliteration for its own sake....which is difficult to achieve!
Fantastic extended metaphor throughout, how the wind becomes the breath and the summer the lungs, with all of nature pulsing with life.
What fresh ideas and phrasing! I love the seasons answering the unasked questions, too...all your lines combine action and image in a way that is both interesting and thought-provoking.
Lovely -- filled with rich images and a touch of humor...I like how it does not stop at one aspect but rather alights on many, butterfly style, to arrive at a sensual & beautiful ending. Nice! Good luck in round one of the SLAM.
Love the title and love you probe the writer's mind. This is almost proselike, yet maintains a poetic feel throughout.
I long for spaces between the lines in places -- it's all jammed in together, and hard to read for me. I'd put a line break after your first two lines, for example. You've made a declaration, and your reader needs to pause and consider it!
There are a few places where I think your punctuation is unnecesary:
It's the five common senses,
that enhance my imagination.
Sometimes I sit forgetting that,
I am enclosed by the walls of my basement.
Both commas can be removed. And same here:
because you could be the next one trapped,
in a writer's life of creativity.
So tread lightly on your paper,
while walking heavily in your dreams.
Having said all that, I think anyone whose passion is writing will hear this loud & clear. You've expressed the timeless sensation of creating very well.
I like your voice throughout. It's soft and easy to read. I think you should expand it.
One edit --> The word "stairs" needs no aprosrophe here:
The bar retained the girl's stair's
And you don't need the copyright info. Your work is copyrighted just by having it here on writing.com. In fact if you look at the very bottom of your item you'll see it.
I like this very much -- it is heartfelt and painful to read, though beautiful as well and ultimately so full of hope!
One suggestion: your first stanza is full of two "he"s -- but I think you refer to different people with each "he," which confused me:
I have this wonderful gift, He gave to me,
It's more precious to me than anything,
I will never give this gift away,
Even though he went away.
Maybe try:
I have this wonderful gift, God gave to me,
It's more precious to me than anything,
I will never give this gift away,
Even though his father went away.
It may be hard, indeed, but something tells me you'll do just fine. You sound very brave and mature. Bless you!
This sounds like a song, lilting and lyrical. I absolutely love "me and Mother Mary calling/praying/howling down the moon." How imaginative and image-rich!
One thing: The third stanza starts to sound kind of awkward to me -- that second line especially is just suspended there; it needs some sort of punctuation. And there are places in that same stanza where I wished you'd introduced an image instead of remaining in the realm of the conceptual.
However -- even though I did not fully understand all of the concepts and language in this poem, I enjoyed it thoroughly!
Lovely in its sadness, and haunting. I like hoe you use strange places to break the lines, emphasizing the loss of normalcy & memory....it's very effective, especially in your first two stanzas. Since you mention the 23rd psalm, I think it might make the poem even stronger if you mirror its syntax to end the poem. Ex. You have -->
And as I take this long walk through
the valley of Alzheimer's,
I gather fragments of light and memory,
to tuck in my pocket,
for tomorrow.
Where, if you were to mirror the syntax of Psalm 23, you could say:
Yea though I take this long walk through
the valley of Alzheimer's,
I will gather fragments of light and memory,
and, tucked in my pocket for tomorrow,
they comfort me.
This was cute and fun to read! You have managed to take a dog's thought process beyond the stereotypical into the realm of the truly creative. Your work is original, fresh, and engaging.
One thing: In your last paragraph, you need a space after "GOD!"
Hey -- I saw your poem in the "noticing newbies" newsletter. You have a real flair for poetry and should try some more! I love how you describe each daughter and give them each a clear, unique persona. You have a good rhythm and strong rhyme that doesn't feel forced. Nice job!
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contest! I enjoyed your chilling sonnet. You have some very fresh phrasing and wordplay in here -- I esp. liked --> Beggars plead for angels to give them rope
To hang themselves, drifting, screaming intently.
It gave me shivers!
I like this very much -- it says volumes with just a few words. Because everything is spoken simply, the impact of the last line is made greater. I like that you have written something more than what one would expect with a prompt of "tulips." Great job!
I have lived this poem, as I'm sure many others will relate as well. I actually had an internet lover in another country and we only saw each other three times in our 2 1/2 year relationship!
Your sounds are sharp and strong, and the phrasing fresh and fun....I found myself wanting more rhythmic metered verse, but I got over that quickly enough when overall the poem is such a joy to read. It is bittersweet, powerful, and rings familiar.
Well tell me how you really feel! LOL Talk about putting it out there....the sounds themselves sling dirt: "feeding the mountains of mud sliding muck..."
In line 2 of stanza 2, do you mean "loosen"? If so, I don't understand it. "loosen within the rivers of animosity"? I'm confused there.
Other than that, really, I liked it overall. A pain-filled conjuring well crafted.... my favorite line is this:
I have a conscience
Of higher nature
Than your confusion.
Great rhythm - strong and rap-like. It begs to be spoken aloud. And I love the ultimate message -- that love is unconquerable. It's a message that's been done to death but you've found a creative, new way to express it.
Looks like you have typos here:
is a might opponent! Shown it
you see it it not flawed.
You mean "mighty," yes? And "it is" in the next line?
Thanks, first of all, for not putting that seemingly ubiquitous, erronious apostrophe in "its!" And I'm not sure I understand your {ep:1} and {ep:2} notes.
But otherwise, this was a fun, light, creative poem full of humor and a certain lyrical quality that keeps you reading. Write on!
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