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721 Public Reviews Given
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Review of The WDC Trip  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Witch's House  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
First, I have to say that your portfolio is AMAZINGLY organized! I didn't even know you could do all that with a portfolio. It's like I've been shopping it WalMart and sometimes Target, then suddenly I stumble through the doors of Bloomingdales's! WOW!

Anyway, I really enjoyed getting to read about your journey. This is a wonderful story and I'm so glad it won first place!

My favorite line is "If at the end of the day, I am able to bring a smile to anyone’s ‘face’ in this community, then my dear writers, my work is done."

Great job! Thank you for sharing!


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Review of Unused words  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was fun and I feel super smart because I'm familiar with a few of these words, though admittedly, I can't remember the definition of but one or two, but STILL, I've HEARD of several and I think given the obscurity of your list, that's still quite a feat. Thanks for doing this word search. I enjoyed it!
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Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Witch's House  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
"...is inconsistent with protecting rights to the person and property." Perhaps it's just a cultural thing, but I'd say "protecting the rights OF the person."

"If a restaurant sold spoiled food, then it may lose business." I love how you say "MAY lose business." You're very hopefully as I'd say it WILL. lol

Very interesting information about Islamic Bank of Great Britain!

I found this whole piece enlightening and interesting! Thanks for sharing it!



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179
Review of Ode to Grindlays  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Witch's House  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Sexy merchants cup dances" I'm guessing it's a cultural thing, but I don't know what that means. What's a cup dance? Just curious.

"But the elephant dances on" is my favorite line! Awesome! (Thanks for the intro so I know about the significance of the elephant here.)

What an incredible piece! I never would have thought to write a poem about a bank. I love the idea and how you memorialize something that was obviously an important part of your personal and country's history.


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Review of Numb  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You have such a beautiful way with words. I'm moved by this poem and the heart you've clearly put into it and the events that inspired it.

A couple of my favorite lines are the first two...
Numb, a feeling
Without feeling,
Those lines showed me I was in for a real talent treat.

Thank you for sharing this poem and your emotions along with it!

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Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What an awesome piece! I feel like I'm going to be pondering this for quite some time. It's really sticking with me and I like it! Great work! That last line, "Nothing in all my life
has bothered me more. Why did the snake have a British accent?" is just AWESOME!
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Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Witch's House  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
"“How can this be so?” I asked myself over and again. My conclusion? Ingrates." I find your conclusion both interesting and amusing.

"...eat dinner discussing horticulture or arborculture, a glass of brandy, a book, a pipe and bed. No more than 20 words said all day." To me it doesn't follow that they discuss things over dinner, then only speak 20 words all day.

"The English taught the barbarian hordes to take metal, sharpen the edges and rip their scraggly beards clean from their faces." This is just one of your many awesome sentences in this piece! I love it!

"...which is retrospect proves sad that they were not enlightened..." I believe that should be "...in retrospect..."

This is a delightful piece! I'm so happy I ran into it. I love a lot of your descriptions and attitude. Wonderful job!


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183
Review of we fight  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Witch's House  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
WOW! What a great piece! I love it!

Some of my favorite parts are "...and she fell into that warmth, pulled their by the comfort of it..." and "... inhaling the scent of the field and the mountains and something else that was uniquely her." I also love that last line!

My only correction is in the line, "...pulled their by the comfort of it..." That should be "there." Maybe you can remember which one by thinking of "here" and "there" being related, just like their spelling.

Anyway, GREAT JOB!!!


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184
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting and disturbing quiz here. lol Mostly, I'm disturbed that I did so poorly. *Pthb* I also thought that since it said there were 50 questions, I'd get quizzed on all 50, but I guess it rotates so you don't get bored doing 50...not a bad idea, though I sort of wanted to do all 50. lol
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Review of The Exodus  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Witch's House  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really creative thing you came up with here--I really like it! Actually, I like it so much, I wish there was more. I realize you can only do so much with what is recorded in the Bible, but still. Does the Torah list more? I don't suppose you are interested in doing additional research. lol What about just writing from the point of view of one Egyptian? That would be interesting and would lengthen it. Anyway, this is a really creative piece!

"Take our herd, take your flock..." I just wanted to be sure you meant to say "your" flock here.

I like the symmetry between "LET'S GO! LET'S GO!" and "THEY'RE GONE! THEY'RE GONE!" I also like the lines "Where are your valuables? Here take mine." A well done piece!


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186
Review of Doggie Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Witch's House  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
What a great piece and I see you got quite a bit of recognition for it! NICE WORK!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...eleven year old medium sized terrier..." That should be "medium-sized" (with a hyphen). "They brought the dog over, I had one walk..." That should be a semi-colon, not a comma, because those are to complete sentences. "...in a doggies life but sleeping, walking, peeing and pooping." That should be "doggie's life" and you forgot "eating." Hahaha

Suggestions:
"...is protective to his owner." Typically dogs are "protective of" things, not "to"...at least in America.

Favorite Part:
"...pet him on the head while making the usual 'there now' sounds." "There now" sounds is a great way to describe them. I wouldn't have known how, but you certainly do! "...he sleeps, he rests and he sleeps once more." I love how you describe that--awesome! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



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#456789 by Gaby Author IconMail Icon

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187
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful. *Smile*

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Keeping in mind that I am NOT a poet...I do not get this poem at ALL. Is it a famous guy talking about his life? Or a guy who is some schmo talking about famous people? I'm not really sure what this is. Sorry. Btw, happy birthday! And my birthday gift to you is to only do two reviews and then stop harassing your portfolio because clearly I have NO idea what I'm doing. lol Sorry...I normally avoid reviewing poetry like the plague, but SOME PEOPLE don't give me a choice... *Wink*

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
There's some rhyming going on, but it's not in any specific pattern I can fully figure out. It will seem to have a pattern, then it will change, so I'm not really sure.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I'm not really sure what to say here, either. Sorry. I get there is talk about the food like caviar and Wheat Thins, though I wasn't sure if the Wheat Thins was officially the crackers or if you were referring to super skinny women. I don't know.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
I didn't notice any grammatical, spelling, or mechanical mistakes. Good work!

Suggestions:
I'm assuming you picked that format for a reason, but I don't know what it is. I just know I found it weird and sort of hard to read. But maybe if I understood poetry better...

My Favorite Part:
wherever I go
award tours
prizes
wherever I go
I liked this part the best. *Smile*

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



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#456789 by Gaby Author IconMail Icon

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188
188
Review of Cut Your Teeth  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful. *Smile*

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Well, I have no idea what tune YOU had in mind, but I heard a tune when I read through these lyrics and since I don't normally even listen to music, I'd guess that means this was good. *Smile* But I'm not a song writer or a poet, so take my words that follow with a shaker of salt...well, at least any bad ones. lol Keep the good ones close to your heart. *Smile*

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
These were lyrics with a refrain and, I think, a bridge, and something else that I'm not sure what it was in the end. There's a rhyming scheme, but it's not 100% consistent between the stanzas. There's also nice use of approximate rhyme. I like that.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The song talks about how the devil got his start. There's also other references such as talking about idle hands.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
I didn't notice any grammar, spelling, or mechanical mistakes.

Suggestions:
If you have an idea for a tune for this, it would be cool if you played it (or had a friend play it) and you included the recording with this. *Smile* There were several times I thought the flow was nice and it sounded good, but I didn't get what the lyrics meant. For example: "I've got a pen and I've got a thumb" I don't get what the thumb has to do with anything...except to hold the pen with maybe. But the lines before don't pair an object with something needed to hold or even work it. It sounds good, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me in a number of places. But again, I'm not a poet...

My Favorite Part:
Bring on the militia!
Call the National Guard!
Gather 'round your drinkin' buddies
and call to arms!
Call to arms.
Call to arms.
As a Soldier (active duty, not National Guard, though), this was my favorite part. Lol

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



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#456789 by Gaby Author IconMail Icon

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189
189
Review of Would-be Heros  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful. *Smile*

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was a wonderful poem with some really impressive images! Well done!

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I think this is a free form poem. But I'm not really a poet, so I'm not sure. lol

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
You had so many powerful images here, I was just in awe of your talent. I'm super jealous right now, but am glad my leader in Game of Thrones make me review you. Normally I hate reviewing poetry because I find it dumb and boring...and I can't understand it. But this is powerful and clear and interesting. VERY well done! Making me like your poem is quite a feat! lol

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
None noticed

Suggestions:
"does not see that his lack of
serious composure
will guarantee historical anonymity and"
I'm not sure if it's what you meant, but to me it sounds like you're saying that he won't be famous if he keeps telling funny things. I assume you mean that he needs to get serious about writing them down? Because comedians can be remembered, but those with any lack of physical proof of their skills will be forgotten in a generation, no matter how talented they are.

My Favorite Part:
Doubt dragons threaten to breathe
sulphuric failure and singe
the golden locks and flawless skin
of Lady Reputation.
Thus, the knight avoids opportunity
and leads his stagnant steed
away from the tower of potential.
WOW! That's some really amazing imagery there! I'm SO SUPER IMPRESSED! What an amazing piece this is; it was hard to pick out a favorite part, but this is definitely ONE of my favorite parts! *Smile*

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



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#456789 by Gaby Author IconMail Icon

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190
190
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
I was drawn to this piece by your title. This title really strikes a chord with readers since zombies are so prevalent in the media these days between movies, TV shows, comics, etc. Plus, I'm reviewing for Game of Thrones and our team is the White Walkers and we say we are undead. Perhaps we will be more than we realize one of these days, but for now it's just a silly description for a game we play, unaware of how that term has touched others.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"One man had ALS- Lou Gehrig's disease..." When using a dash in a place that doesn't automatically make a dash, like on WdC, use two hyphens. Also, there shouldn't be a space before or after (or between) the dashes. It should look like this: "...had ALS--Lou Gehrig's..." "...a young man in his early 20's - a year or so older than I was- He had been shot..." Again, two hyphens to make a dash and no space before or after the hyphens. Also don't capitalize the word after the "dash." "...repacked...He was alert and ANGRY....he was able..." Don't capitalize the word after the ellipses, though in this case, I think you'd do better with a period after "repacked," but that's just an opinion. *Smile* "... most of the time i cared for him..." Don't forget to capitalize your "I." "then had a stroke... he lived several years in a deep coma.... his wife would bring their young sons to visit occassionally on Sunday... he did not respond and eventually died." Ellipses should only have three periods. Also, there shouldn't be a space after the ellipses. Just another opinion, I think you'd do better with a period after "coma." But it's up to you. "...smooth black skin a healthy well proportioned body..." There should be a comma after "skin." "...then a heart attack.... her teenaged daughter..." Again, only 3 periods and no space after them. And that should just be "teenage." "urinary drainage... there was a time period when her body kept expelling the foley catheter from her urethra with the 30ccs balloon intact.... painful..." Three periods and no space. *Smile* "...from behind her... it actually worked well..." I'll just say you should check the rest of the piece for this problem. *Wink* "we had to do bedside glucose monitoring..." Capitalize "we." "like human road kill. purposeless. am I mistaken?" Capitalize your beginnings of sentences. *Smile*

Suggestions:
"When life gets stressful, really stressful, I dream I am working in that hospital again... it is most unpleasant." I don't care for this ending, personally. You give such powerful visuals throughout the story, then end with it being "most unpleasant." We get that the dreams would be bad because you are having them when stressed, so I think you should refer back to your title and revise those images with something like "...I dream I am again walking (or working) among the undead." Just my opinion.

Favorite Part:
"...during the 3 years I cared for him, though his mind was clear, he became physically weaker and weaker until he could only move his eyebrows to indicate yes or no before he died." What a horrific way to die. Thank you for enlightening us on even the tiniest amount of the pain they must go through. "She is one of the patients that I think about when I think about overdosing..." That's one of your most powerful statements in this piece! " Then we removed all the tubes, cleaned the body and tied the limbs with gauze, and wrapped their jaw in gauze, placed a toe tag on the big toe, wrapped the naked cold stiff body in a plastic sheet transferred it to a stretcher and two of us took it to the morgue at the hospital. At the morgue we placed it in the cold room with any others that had died recently and returned to care for the living... somewhat living." Thanks for that description! Very well done!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



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#456789 by Gaby Author IconMail Icon

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191
191
Review of Forever Change  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
This is a lovely story about a beautiful life-changing experience! How awesome for you! Thank you for sharing it! *Smile*

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...any experience can impact or devastate your life." You need a comma after "experience." "On July 21st, 2002 my life changed forever." You need a comma after "2002." "...as I stepped out of my mother’s magenta Ford Taurus I had no clue..." You need a comma after "Taurus." "...filled with moisture as I walked up the steps..." You need a comma after "moisture." "...we went camping on the apostle islands..." I assume "Apostle Islands" is the name of them, so that should be capitalized. "...we would be canoeing out to, voyageur-style and the section..." You need a comma after "voyageur." "...to stay there forever, cause I truly now knew that life..." That should be "because" instead of "cause." "Leaving the apostles islands was hard..." Again, I'm pretty sure you need to capitalize "Apostles Islands." "...and when got back we all felt we had left..." I assume that should be "...when we got back..." "Still we had a blast..." You need a comma after "still." "Also because of this experience..." You need a comma after "also." "...make good choices for my self, do things..." That should be "myself."

Suggestions:
You have giant space at the end of your story that could be erased. *Smile*

Favorite Part:
"He talked about how we each should create a list in our head of goals that we want to accomplish and if there is something on that list that is not getting done, then it’s time to rethink our strategy. It was at this point that I realized what an amazing week it was going to be." That's really awesome--especially to have impressed upon you at that age rather than when you're like 50. lol "Sitting in that circle and looking around at their faces in the firelight, made me want that moment to go on forever, to stay there forever, cause I truly now knew that life would never be the same." That's really powerful that you felt like that. How awesome for you! "That’s what the change in my life has taught me: to make the right decisions for me." That's a REALLY important thing to learn just before going to college! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



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#456789 by Gaby Author IconMail Icon

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192
192
Review of Already His  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
This is a great story. I like how you describe some of the things here. You have some great talent! *Smile*

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...a menancing sound , causing her to jump and back away." That comma should be with "sound." Also, "menacing" doesn't have that extra "n" between the "a" and the "c." *Smile* "Without realizing she turned and saw the door." You need a comma after "realizing." "...he sat back on his heels thinking." You need a comma after "heels." "...as good if she’’s as upset as this..." Change those to just one apostrophe. "Giving into despair , she closed her eyes..." There should be no space after "despair." "...up to the door handle know that she was much too weak..." I'm guessing that should be "knowing." "...lifeless body in a crumbled head on the floor." I'm assuming that should be "heap."

Suggestions:
"A wolf hound, she thought..." It's probably just me, but I'm left wondering if she means like the breed (that I know as Russian wolf hound) or if she means some sort of paranormal creature I'm not exactly familiar with. Not that it really matters. If it is just a Russian Wolf Hound, I wonder why that breed makes her more scared. As far as I know, they're not particularly aggressive. "Closing his eye, he reached out to her..." Do you mean "eyes"?

Favorite Part:
"Consciousness returned in slow waves. A hard dirt floor, uneven with dips and hills, chafed her legs and ground into her skin, decorating her with splotches and spots. Cold metallic chains, clamped tight around her wrists and ankles, held her steadfast in a sitting position." This is awesome! What an introduction! Great work here! I'm totally digging the descriptiveness of it all! "The flash and glare caused her to snap her eyes shut again, bright hot pain searing through her senses." I like that she "snapped" her eyes shut. Very descriptive and not a normal way of saying how she shut them. "His voice reminded her of death." WOW! I LOVE THAT! Can you elaborate on why it does? "...she closed her eyes as lightheaded news took over." I like how you said that. *Smile*

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



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#456789 by Gaby Author IconMail Icon

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193
193
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful. *Smile*

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This poem makes me really admire the speaker for her strength in not being sorry for the loss of her lover. I surely would be!

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I'm not good with forms and such, but I'd call this a free form poem, myself.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The imagery with the birds is a nice touch and reminds me of lovebirds. *Smile*

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
None noticed. Great job!

Suggestions:
This is just a thought, but it might be interesting, even if it isn't true, if the boy bird ended up flying "up to Heaven" after the dance...just a suggestion.

My Favorite Part:
Where are you darling?
This is a good opening line that immediately brings about an awareness of longing on the part of the speaker.
This has not caused me sorrow.
You have shown me real love
Passion and compassion.
Our love will never die,
It will go on you'll see.
Those are some super sweet and incredibly romantic words there! I'm very impressed! I'm not able to write poetry like that at all! Great work here! This is a wonderful tribute to your husband, for sure! I'm sure he knew how much you loved him! I only hope he knew what a talented poet you are. If he didn't when he was alive, I'm sure he's looking down with love and admiration each time you put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be lol).

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

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#456789 by Gaby Author IconMail Icon

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194
194
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
This is a wonderful piece that is well written and thoroughly enjoyable. I especially appreciate the picture on it! *Smile*

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Well it burned down to the cement last night.” I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "well." "“Monarch of the Glen”." If you live in the U.S., that period should go inside the quotation marks--always. If you live in Europe, never mind. You did it right. lol "...because of forest fires here during dry hot spells." You need a comma after "dry." "...more than two decades ago, he had added a huge castle like structure..." That should be a period or semi-colon, not a comma since they are both complete sentences. "Or, at the most, that someone insane..." I think you mean "at least" or even "at the least." "...for a town already known for it's huge ugly concrete silo landmarks." There should be a comma after "huge." "...shipped elsewhere by trains from the silo's ." There doesn't need to be an apostrophe in "silos" and erase that space between the "s" and the period. *Smile* "...as it turned out the developer hadn't done anything..." You need a comma after "out." "When we drove away I couldn't help but say to Ron..." You need a comma after "away."

Suggestions:
"...the historic school building downtown Concrete here was destroyed..." Something doesn't sound right to me. Did you mean "...building in downtown Concrete..."?

Favorite Part:
"I have been experiencing some really weird dreams since being on the Chantix non-smoking medicine." I'm glad it's just weird dreams. My friend had to stop it because of the nightmares. She was really sad because it helped her a lot. I hope it helped you quit! If not, don't worry. It takes the average person eight tries to quit smoking. If it's taken you more than eight, well, you're just helping even the score for those overachievers who quit the third or fourth try. lol "Or, at the most, that someone insane had come up with the idea to have it resemble a castle." That's awesome! “Was It Arson Or Outstanding Community Service?” Great ending!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

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Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
This is a really cute story. I hope you clean it up and consider pursing publishing it one day. Even if you only publish it in a magazine or as an e-book. *Smile*

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...with two older sisters, and two older brothers." There shouldn't be a comma after "sisters." "...so busy with their friends they seem to forget about Charlie." There should be a comma after "friends." "After all his sisters and brothers left Charlie wandered around" their" house he found the cat, “He asked the cat "Are you my friend?"" There should be a comm after "left" and the quotation marks for "their" are attached to the word before it instead. Put a space after "around" and erase the space between the quotation marks and "their." There should be a period after "house." Capitalize "he" and after "cat" should be a period. Also erase the quotation marks before "he" (the "he" after "cat." There should be a comma after "cat" (in the part saying, "he asked the cat").

". He went on to find daddy dinosaur, and asked him "are you my friend?"" There's a period and an extra space before the beginning of this sentence. There should be a comma after "him" and "are" should be capitalized. ""Of course Charlie." he answered." There should be a comma after "course" and that period after "Charlie" should be a comma. "He found momma dinosaur and asked her" are you my friend?"" There should be a comma after "her" and the quotation marks are stuck on the "her" instead of the "are." Also, capitalize "are." " well yes honey. Why do you ask?" Erase the space before the opening quotation marks and capitalize "well." Also, there needs to be a comma after "yes." " everyone has friends and they are to busy for me and I don’t have any friends" There shouldn't be a space between the opening quotation marks and "everyone." Also, "everyone" needs to be capitalized." That should be "too busy." And you need a period after "friends." (I don't know where you are from, but in America, the period ALWAYS goes inside the quotation marks. So do commas.)

"of course you do, you have your sisters and brothers" "Of" should be capitalized. That should either be a period or a semi-colon after "do" since both parts are full sentences. There should be a period after "brothers" (and before the quotation marks). ". Poor Charlie looks up and says" they are too busy for me. They have their own friends." Erase the period and space before "poor." There should be a comma after "says." "They" should be capitalized. There should be quotation marks after the period after "friends." "...walks away saying" I don’t have anyone"." There should be a comma after "saying" and a space between that comma and the quotation marks. Erase the space between the quotation marks and "I." If you are in Europe, that period at the end is probably right. If you're here in America, the period ALWAYS goes inside the quotation marks.

"...makes Charlie a promise, and tells Charlie..." That shouldn't be a comma there. "...as soon as she gets the chores done, we will go visit friends, and you can play with some kids." You switched from "she" to "we" and "you." You can either keep it 3rd person and say, "...they will go visit friends and he can play with some kids." Or you came make it a quote and say, "...chores done, "We will go visit friends and you can play with some kids."" (That second quotation mark is me ending my quote of what you can say. If you choose that, naturally you'll just end with one set instead of two. lol) Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "friends." "Charlie nods yes" Your period somehow ended up on the line below...the one that's supposed to be blank. "Later in the day they go to lunch, as momma dinosaur..." You need a comma after "day." That comma after "lunch" should be a period and "as" should be capitalized.

"...asked him his name." He says shyly my name is Stanley"" There shouldn't be a set of quotation marks after "name." Also, there should be a comma after "shyly" and "my" should be capitalized. There should be quotation marks in front of "my" (not attached to "shyly" and there shouldn't be a space between them and "my." Your period should be inside the quotation marks after "Stanley," not on the next space by itself. lol "Charlie asked him if they could play together," That should be a period, not a comma after "together." "Stanley shakes his head yes." I don't know about Europe and other countries, but in America, normally people "nod" yes and "shake" no. "As the play date comes to an end the momma dinosaur..." There should be a comma after "end." "Charlie and Stanley get ready to leave, he asked Stanley “are you my friend”? "Stanley smiles and says yes."" That should be either a period or a semi-colon instead of a comma after "leave." If it's a period, of course, capitalize "he." There should be a comma after the second "Stanley." Capitalize "are" and the question mark goes inside the quotation marks because the whole thing isn't a question, just the part in quotation marks. "...many more play dates, and soon become best friends." There shouldn't be a comma there. "One day on the way to play Charlie" says to momma dinosaur". Thank you for taking me to play with Stanley, he’s my best friend." There shouldn't be quotation marks by "Charlie" or by "dinosaur." There should be quotation marks in front of "thank" (without a space between them and "thank" and after "friend." Also, the comma after "Stanley" should either be a semi-colon or a period because both parts are full sentences. Naturally, if you make it a period, capitalize "he's." Oh, and that period at the end of "friend" goes INSIDE the quotation marks. *Smile*

Suggestions:
You said Charlie was a dragon, but his parents are dinosaurs. Is he adopted? Hahaha--just teasing, but because of this, I thought the momma and daddy dinosaurs were his stuffed toys at first and they weren't really talking. I got to the part where momma said she'd take him to play with friends after she finished her chores. I'd suggest just saying he's a dinosaur too, to avoid any confusion.

Favorite Part:
"He found the cat. He asked the cat, "Are you my friend?" The cat just looked at him. HAHAHAHA Typical cat! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

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Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:


Grammar and Mechanics:
"...with his high school buddy Mike." There should be a comma after "Mike." "Using her key to gain access to Corey’s apartment she puts her sexy plan into action." There should be a comma after "apartment." "Natasha walks over to the bed, picking up the bag of rose petals she walks..." That comma after "bed" should be a semi-colon because both before it and after it are full sentences. If you don't like semi-colons, you could always just make it a period since they're full sentences. lol “Nat you know we are not breaking up..." There should be a comma after "Nat." "Anyways, no need for you to come to me to get your key, I will leave it in your apartment when I leave.” Again, these are both full sentences, so that comma after "key" can be either a period or a semi-colon, but it shouldn't be a comma. “I changed my mind I am on my way home, right now.” That should be a period or semi-colon after "mind" since before and after are full sentences. lol "...he arrived home in a fit of tears..." You can use either a comma or a dash after "home." If you choose a dash, it's made using two hyphens since they don't have an official dash on here. Also, don't put a space before or after the "dash" and don't capitalize the word after it. "Corey picks up Natasha takes her to the bedroom..." There should be a comma after "Natasha." "...while taking of her clothes slowly." That should be "...taking off her clothes..." "...while sucking the juices he loves the taste of her." After "juices" should either be a period or a semi-colon. "...with both of them coming together they collapse into each other’s arms." "With" should start a new sentence and there should be a comma after "together."

Suggestions:
"...she brought with her on the bed, picking up the rose scented candles and smells the scent of them..." That sounds weird with "picking" and "and smells." How about "...picking up the rose scented candles, she smells..."? I just changed the "and" to "she." If you want to learn more about comma usage, they have a comma class in New Horizons on here. *Smile* " I just like I have been neglecting some things..." I assume you meant, "I just feel like I..."

Favorite Part:
"Natasha checks the last text message from Corey, saying, ‘I will be home in one day. Cya then. Love you :)’" Awwww...what a sweet message. It makes me immediately like Corey. *Smile* Good job! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

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Review of The Ice Pick  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
Overall, I like this story, but it leave a lot of questions unanswered for me. Was that being really of the devil or was it from Heaven? What happened to Veronica and Zack? Do they get out alive? I liked the story, but want more answers.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...Veronica, Matt, Sonia, and Zack are at their wits end..." That should be "wit's end." "...stuck on a mountain in Colorado which happened to be all be happenstance." I assume you meant "happened to be all by happenstance." "Veronica the team leader says..." You need a comma after "Veronica" and after "leader." "Veronica saw the most beautiful white light which she had to shield her eyes..." This sentence is a little off. I think it benefits from adding "from" between "light" and "which."

Suggestions:
Personally, I'm not loving the fact that you used "happen" and "happenstance" so close together, but that's me. I'd suggest something like "...which was simply the result of happenstance" or ...which all occurred by happenstance" or something. But it's just a matter of personal preference, really. *Smile* Wait...what? I just read the end. What happened to Veronica and Zack? Did they survive? AAAK! You're killing me!

Favorite Part:
"I am sorry that I have led you all to our tombs.” I'm glad you said "tombs" instead of "doom." "Doom" would be so overused, whereas "tombs" is a descriptive words that brings a picture with its usage, yet also brings a clarity that tells you exactly what she means. Good choice!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

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Review of WLTM IRL  Open in new Window.
Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
I really enjoyed this story! What a great piece and very creative--great work!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...all of who could keep in touch with one another instantaneously." I'm like 99% sure that should be "whom." "He liked the challenge of trying to bait a woman, conversing with her for a while, pretending to get to know them." You start with singular "woman" and "her," then switch to "them." I'd suggest just sticking with the singular. It's more predatory and creepy, to me, at least. lol "It was a good thing she was sitting down... she felt her body tremble and go slack in his powerful embrace." You were telling this strictly from his point of view. I'd suggest you stick with that. Also, there shouldn't be a space after the ellipses. "...further up the beach... quickly burying her..." Again, there shouldn't be a space after the ellipses. "You can never be too safe... She messaged him." No space after the ellipses and "she" shouldn't be capitalized. "Of course, my dear... Anton typed back." No space again. *Smile* "...who's behind the keyboard'," The comma should be inside the apostrophe (and quotation marks) if you're from the U.S. (always), but I don't know for sure about Europe.

Favorite Part:
"Anton smirked as he checked them, each one from a different girl on the website. While others of his kind resisted the world's ever increasing industrialization, Anton embraced new technologies wholeheartedly. Why should they deny themselves the modern conveniences that everyone else enjoyed so thoroughly?" This is a wonderful opening paragraph. I especially like that he "smirked." "He was charming and debonair at dinner, and Marta was soon helplessly enamored with him. It wouldn't be difficult to convince her to come with him." The scary thing is people do this in real life...not just vampires in stories. "After all, one could pretend to be anything on the internet." Awesome ending!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

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Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
I picked this story because the idea behind it is exactly what's going on with me right now. August 18 I'll be exiting the Army due to a medical discharge because of Iraq. The idea of getting out absolutely terrifies me! Not to mention the feelings of loss and failure for not being able to stay in. It's terrible! Anyway, back to your story, that's why I chose this. *Smile* And I'm glad I did. It's a wonderful story. (Well, not so much the story line, but the way it was written.) You did an excellent job and I'm glad I picked this!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...his focus attuned ... even here he couldn't let his guard down." There shouldn't be a space before or after the ellipses. "Tours in Iraq, Afghanistan, Colombia, Nigeria... if the United States..." There shouldn't be a space after the ellipses. "...pouring concrete ... if his aching body would let him." Again, no spaces before or after the ellipses. "...to let them see him – to live with him – when he was like this?" There shouldn't be a space before or after your dash, either. lol And when using a dash in a place that doesn't automatically make dashes (like here), use two hyphens together so it should look like this, "...see him--to live with him--when he..." You're doing well with not having a bunch of other problems, though. *Smile* "...couldn't imagine doing ... provided with a focused skill..." Again, there shouldn't be a space before or after the ellipses. "...which would be worse ... coming home to his family..." And again. "...his wrist firmly ... lovingly." And again. lol I'm a fan of ellipses and dashes, too. *Smile* "...beauty and understanding – perhaps more than most – their significance." Again, two hyphens and no spaces before or after the "dash."

Suggestions:
"And what was a soldier to do..." I'm not sure if you are interested in applying it, but in the Army I was taught to always capitalize the word "Soldier." But English major civilians will probably criticize that. lol

Favorite Part:
"He felt exposed, literally a sitting target out there with no cover. From the huts along the pier to the trees that bordered the parking lot in the distance behind them, he had already made a mental note of the best places to set up a nest, and where the best place for a chokepoint would be." YES! Are you a war vet? You write like one. *Smile* "His muscles were tense and his focus attuned ... even here he couldn't let his guard down. Letting one's guard down was a lethal risk he couldn't afford." Excellent description of what was going on with him! "But that wasn't him anymore. Now he was the guy who woke up in a cold sweat every night, screaming at the phantoms that haunted his dreams. He was the guy who got turned down for a job at Home Depot last week..." I get it. I've been repeatedly discouraged from even trying to get into the VA's compensated work therapy program because I'm not ready. I have to be cleared by my providers and not one will agree to it. *Frown* "How could a family love this man he had become?" Yep. (You're probably wishing I hadn't picked this. Sorry. lol) "...calming the demons inside him. He looked over at her angelic, smiling face..." I like this juxtaposition. Well done! *Smile* "...watching the fireworks glitter and sparkle overhead." That's a great description of fireworks, yet I never thought of them that way. Great work!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

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Review by Schnujo's D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
This is an amazingly powerful piece! Thanks for sharing it! Also, thanks for the links--especially that sand art one--wow!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...in a brightly lit warm room..." There should be a comma after "lit."

Suggestions:
"... radioactive lava of Reactor number four." I'm not sure why "reactor" is capitalized here. I'd suggest either not capitalizing it, or if you insist, capitalize "number four" also since that's the name of the reactor.

Favorite Part:
"The oldest would be old if they reached double digit age." That's an interesting way of putting that! And it's also so sad! "Their faces were granted something in common; hollow eyes that had never known hope beyond the orphanage. They ignored the glaring cloudless day. Their world was constantly foggy and cold beyond measure. This is a very powerful image here! Incredibly well written! You're so talented! "A deniable legacy that will spread invisible ripples of deadly influence, across the Earth for thousands upon thousands of years. It would take thirty years to build a safer confinement costing a global sized fortune, and only to last a tiny span of a hundred years." Wow! How sad and scary! "Небезпечно для життя! Забруднення! Заборонене доступ!" Adding that is a GREAT touch! And I'm impressed that you knew how. lol "Their status would be assessed by enthusiastic, albeit exhausted, medical staff, who loved each and every one of these little ones, catching them in hands outstretched like baseball gloves, as they fell through the cracks of human existence...and human rights." That's really powerful! But I'm glad to hear that at least they were loved! "This quality of life changing benevolence is impossible to access here." HOW SAD! I recall that when, I believe it was the Kursk (spelling), a Russian sub, went down, America offered to help because we actually have sub rescuing equipment, but at first Russia declined. By the time they agreed, it was too late. I really wonder how many things America has declined or denied and people ended up suffering or dying because of political pride and prejudice. "Google us...please Google us...we promise to be good children..." WOW! What an ending!!!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*



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