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Review of My World  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1467580 Unavailable **

Greetings, Jewel of Arabia ~

The introductory note: ...when [you're](your) muse is so persistent? I'm also not happy with the title(;) so any suggestions would be appreciated.

The title seems good enough to me.

This is an interesting poem. It would benefit from punctuation, I think:

The sound of my dog’s tag[’]s chiming(,) >> tags
The roar of passing cars(,)
The scent of exhaust mixed with freshly mowed grass(,)

This is my world( -- )
Things not seen
But experienced(.)

One sense gone(,)
The others strengthened(.)
With my partner by my side(,)
I am ready to conquer this world(.)

This poem sums up the world of a blind person who has a positive attitude to succeed in life. Nicely written!

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Daizy ~

What a sweet poem! The imagery here is touching, and the poem's message is endearing and true. I'm sure many a new mother would say the experience is beyond compare. I enjoyed the read of this nicely written poem.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Secret Garden  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, iKïyå§ama ~

The story was entertaining and interesting to read. You followed the propmts fairly well, although I'm not sure what finding the items in the box tells about their former residents. ??

I found the following items for your consideration:

“Look(.)[,]” He opens up the door

got a lot of things to do, sweetie.” Sweetie? What father calls his non-infant son "sweetie"? Mothers sure; fathers, no.

since then(,) and it looks like

bedroom(,) and beneath the pungent smell of fresh paint, there’s this faint smell

miracle if [any] of my clothes can fit into that space. >>>> Any? Not room for even one shirt and pair of pants? Maybe "all'? ...miracle if all of my clothes can fit...

at the small(,) wooden box

such a box(,) and on closer inspection, I can see

the dust(,) and seeing that there are no locks on it, I open it

lined with a rich(,) red velvet cloth

what’s written(,) and this is what I can come

at first glance(,) but there’s something

with its creeping vines(,) for in its stead is

Well(,) my room’s still better than yours(;) so there!”

For(,) although it is small and miserable at first glance, its true beauty can only be revealed >>>> To what does 'it' refer --- the room or the set of binoculars?

Cheers!

Harry
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254
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Daizy ~

This is a well-written poem consisting of rhyming couplet lines. It is a pleasant read. However, the read would be much enhanced if the present format was divided into 4-line stanzas plus a final couplet. Or better yet, the life-strife rhyme is such a total cliche that it should be avoided if possible. If these two lines were removed, you'd have four 4-line stanzas with the last a repeat of the first. Just revise like this:

Will I see love that makes me smile
And warm my heart just for a while?
Will I find ways to end all strife
To give mankind a better life?
The memories are always there,
While I'm rocking in my chair,

would become:

Will I see love that makes me smile
And warm my heart just for a while?
The memories are always there,
While I'm rocking in my chair(.)[,]

There needs to be a period after "might find" the last line.

These are just my suggestions for you to consider. It is your poem to do with as you please.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Homework VS Sims  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, care_a_lot ~

This presents a typical situation of a mother trying to convince a young student the necessity of doing homework. (Your wife made you write this?) It does read as though written by an immature student...with that point of view I mean.

Here are some suggestions for you to consider:

Why homework is more important than sims.
It’s a hard question >>>>> It is NOT stated as a question at all as written. A question would be Why is homework....?

And what are "sims"? You assume the reader will know. Bad assumption in my case. Please define 'sims' the first time you use it.

date and things like that(,) but I digress.

[When] I can just disappear and forget that the world exists

I do understand why I have to try and make sure that I stay ahead of it, because if I don’t(,) I get further behind and people who rely on me to get certain bits of information can’t and find themselves lacking it because I didn’t pull up my end. >>>> What a long, labored sentence!

A teacher(')s life is that she gets paid decent and even the possibility of a raise judged by how her students felt about her in class and how many passed the class and by how much.
>>>>>gets paid decent and even the possibility of a raise judged by // This is awkward. Maybe: ..gets decent pay and even the possibility of a raise....
>>>> This statement may be true for certain teachers, but thankfully not all. This situation leads to grade inflation and coddling of students. I know of what I speak, as a retired professor.

Letting all of these people down is unfair [on](to) them

Sims is just a silly game(,) whereas homework involves people.

an issue(,) but doing my homework

Cheers!

Harry
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256
Review of Voices  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Feather Duster ~

This poem is quite "poetic", with many constructions that sound and flow nicely. However, some of it seemed not to make good sense to me. For example,

I gaze at the black sky
diamondized by a velvet skirt of stars,
>>>>> The sky is velvet black with starlight shining like a field of diamonds. The stars aren't a velvet skirt?

appears like voices in the splendid night >> Can voices "appear"? A sound appeared?

No other man could rule my canvas of ink
when I drew you in the sand,
>>>>> Drawings in the sand have a sand canvas, not a canvas of ink.

The dripping wax of the candle
that burns our memories down
>>>> Burning the wax of a candle down means the passage of time, which would bring new memories and not burn down memories. ? (Unless you have Alzheimer's, of course.)

This poem has many great images, and you are obviously a very talented poet. I feel in this poem you may have tried a bit too hard to be "poetic". Poems should still be clearly understandable.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Shi ~

Overall, this poem is nicely done. I enjoyed the read of it.

I have some suggestions for you to consider:

[F](f)lavored Spritzers, and Starbucks [C](c)offee,

Filled up my [S](s)leigh(,) and I'm ready to go.

Christmas Eve versus Christmas day --- Why capitalize eve but not day?

gathering - a-gawking is a weak rhyme.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of My Dream Lunch  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, J.A. Buxton ~

This is well-written; yet there is too little of consequence happening to be truly satisfying to the reader. Basically, you describe an experience with a rude luncheon guest. Still, it is written well.

I have a minor suggestion: over a long(,) leisurely meal.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Julian's Secret  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Shannon ~

This story is simply delightful! It shows a lot of imagination. It is an entertaining read that is a lot of fun. Very well-done!

I have but a few minor suggestions to offer:

energy only twelve(-)year(-)old boys possess.

bought us(,) and the stupid VCR keeps

was 2:00 a.m.(,) and he didn't want

to the park(,) and I saw a tiny door

a dollhouse door(,) and it has a knob

the caterpillar[,] and the playing cards

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of BLUE BOOKCASE  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Joy ~

This story is quite well-written and tells a wonderfully uplifting tale. Extremely nice piece of writing!

I found only a few minor suggestions to make:

God wearing a black(,) hooded cloak

gave up(,) and He told me

a glorious event(,) and when my time comes, I

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Legerdemain ~

This is a cute, warm story that is well-written. It makes an enjoyable read.

I have only two items for your consideration:

“What’s wrong(,) dear?”

Although it was [dusty](dirty) and scratched from being dug up from the earth,

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Joy ~

This was an interesting, fact-filled, informative read that I enjoyed. It is well-written overall. However, I do have a few suggestions for you to consider:

and together with (the) Wampanoag people and their Chief Massasoit, they celebrated

[was] successful(ly) [to] convince(d) President Lincoln to proclaim

Since the American South saw this as a Yankee holiday, they made up their own Thanksgiving Day; >>> Unclear what this means. Was it celebrated on a different date? How was it different?

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Beck ~

I'm afraid what might work in a song is too much repetition in a poem, at least for my tastes.

half(-)ounce & deep(-)diving

Listing all the fishing gear was interesting and a novelty.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Legerde ~

This is a nice poem that seemed appropriate for the prompt. It is filled with great images. I enjoyed the read. Well done!

I have a few grammatical suggestions for your consideration:

Softly, gently she floated downward(,)[.]
[T](t)wirling, spinning and drifting toward the Earth.

on a soft(,) pink flower petal.

in tiny(,) white mounds on the flowers.

Hours passed(,) and the sun crept higher.

Soon, all the other snowflakes had melted(,)

[T](t)he tree sent down

Twirling, spinning and drifting toward the earth they fell[.](,)
[F](f)alling in clouds of petals, piling in pink mounds under the trees.

In fall, the leaves will fall from the trees[.](,)
[R](r)eminding us eternally of the beauty of the snowflake[.](,)
[U](u)ntil once again the last snowflake of winter drifts down.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Mary  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Lureeasygoer ~

The content of your poem is quite good. However, technically the writing is far too easy going.
You have no punctuation hardly at all, and you are inconsistent with what you have (= Mary, Mary in stanza one, but Mary Mary in next two stanzas.) In several places, the verb tense is wrong: she has pave(d) the road, will forever be bless(ed).

Other items of concern:

of her children('s) heavy load

A moment in heaven lasting a lifetime how I feel >>> Very awkward.

as fate's honored guess (guest)

Now I'll be challenge the impossible feat>>> Very awkward construction.

You should seek out a friend who has proficiency in English and grammar and have him/her assist you with a rewrite of this poem. It has good potential to be quite worthwhile.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, THiNg ~

Overall, I liked this poem! In some ways the repitition of having a rhyming couplet with the third line being similar in all stanzas worked well. However, the fourth lines sometimes rhymed with screen but other times did not. Then you repeated 'unseen' and 'dream' in the fourth lines as the rhyme with 'screen'. These off-rhymes and repeats were a bit off-putting to me. In addition, you used punctuation after the first and last lines only. Why not use correct punctuation throughout?

Here: 'Saying friends heart wants to stay', should this be friend's heart or what?

This poem is already good. Some more polishing would make it even better.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Maryann ~

This short poem captures the feel of looking at the Milky Way fairly well. It is well rhymed.

The colors mentioned -- black, blue, yellow, gray -- strike me as odd. When I examine the nighttime sky, I see bright white lights against a black background. I can see how the black background appears gray in the city sometimes, but when does one see blue and yellow at night? And you fail to even mention the white light of the stars at night.

What does "fine royalty" mean in the context of the last line?

Overall, the poem works, but it could be improved a bit.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Storm-story  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, fyn getting married 12/12/08 ~

First, congratulations on your impending marriage. May your marriage be both happy and long.

The story's content is good. The telling of the story was entertaining and held my interest well. Nice job story-wise. The writing needs tightening up , with better punctuation as well.

My suggestion for your consideration:

I hate storms(.) I really am not comfortable

Everything’s been going well(.)[,] I love my new job(;)[,] the ex is half a country away(;) and I even

[!](.) Forget weather.com(.)[, w] (W)hen a storm is coming, she’s howling and spinning in circles(.)[!] >>>>> Too many exclamation marks in this paragraph = three used.

in my writing group(.)[ and w](W)e share a love of Bichon(s)[’s](,) so even the pup ......
anywhere in the car(.)[!]

We were watching the sky too as it had this storm-green cast to it, but the meal had been good and the coffee was yummy and the conversation was excellent and, well, I really wasn’t paying much attention to it. >>>> Run-on sentence with four conjunctions in it. Break this up!

pitch black(,) and it sounded

something hit the house(,) and we both ended up

Suddenly(,) it was very quiet. We headed upstairs[.](--) Michelle, limping and one(-)footed, I carrying the two pups.

from the fridge(,) and we headed outside

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Girls Night Out  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Diane ~

You did a nice job with the story and incorporating the titles of books. The story was interesting and entertaining.

I have a number of punctuation suggestions for your consideration:

hate being alone(,) so I jump from one

couple of weeks(,) and then I am back out

sure how to get there(,) so we grab

from a friend at work(,) so we all hope

for the last two years(,) so it should be safe to

to our conversation(,) and Jillian chimed in

listen to her[, h](. H)er mother set her up.

You'll find yours[,](;) just give it time."

clothes were and(,) more importantly(,) how fantastic our bodies

in front of the club[,](;) most are pierced in multiple places

isn't in there[, h](. H)e really creeps

standing outside(,) so we plunged ahead

of the king[,](;) dude's trying to look like

I order a drink[;](--) I'll need a strong one to survive this place (--)[,] and start looking around.

on the dance floor(,) but I am not familiar

He is smiling(,) and(,) because he seems harmless, I smile back. He is talking(,) but I can't hear him over the music(,) so I lean in closer.

just for you(,) baby."

anything with it(,) and I told him so.

the designated driver(,) so she drops us

I am the last to be dropped off(.)[ and a] (A)s she is driving away,

than it's worth(,) but it has me laughing


You overuse connecting what could be two separate sentences with 'so'. If you use 'so', it usually needs a comma before it. You also need to use a comma before 'and' or 'but' connecting two complete sentences. Don't be afraid to use more separated sentences, i.e. not feel the need to link them together with 'so', 'and', or 'but' as often.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Sassy  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Pat ~

The content here is wonderful. Telling the world about Sassy is full of promise for an interesting and entertaining series of short stories. I look forward to reading more about her life. That said, the writing here seems a bit heavy-handed.

The first paragraph seemed overly long to me. Maybe break into a new paragraph here:

This, too, left its mark on Sassy. (BREAK)

For such a long time, when the doorbell would ring[,] or a sudden loud noise was made--even something as innocent as Buddy shouting at the ballgame on television--[she](Sassy) would run and hide ...

They wanted her to feel safe and loved and happy. She had come into their home and hearts when she was 22 months old. She was in foster care at that time, and they had no way of knowing how long she would be with them. Their only concern was to give her a place where she would feel safe and loved and protected. >>>> Repeat of safe and loved and.....

They knew how much Mommy Susan wanted to have Sassy back with her. They understood how painful it had to have been for her to not have Sassy with her. >>>> Too similar sentences. Maybe combine them.

the judge decided that Sassy needed to feel safe and to feel that she was "home". >>>> This point seems belabored to me. Note how often you repeat this point in this short story. You are hitting the reader over the head with it!

Some unneeded commas:

a loving wife to Buddy[,] and the happy mother

was her favorite number[, ]and that it had always been

adopted when she was five years old[,] and there had been

following her adoption[, ]because that is the way

I hope you will continue with the planned series.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Earning It All  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Joy ~

Overall, this story is well written and entertaining. However, there were a couple of places that disrupted the flow for me. You raise these questions : Why didn't Mr. Sutton tell the guard right outside the door to tell the man to go away? Why did he get so agitated? Why was his face reddened like that? , but then never provide an answer. If the man had bothered customers in the recent past, then why didn't Mr. Sutton tell the guard right outside the door to tell the man to go away?

Janice is sitting in Mr. Sutton's office, needing to sign some papers to get her loan, when Mr. sutton reacts to seeing the man in the straw hat. Then next comes: Janice didn't quite remember when she bumped into the man in the straw hat, but she knew that it was inside the bank's building. All she could remember was walking along the corridor outside Mr. Sutton's office as she was stuffing the papers into her handbag. >>>> It sounds like they concluded their loan business, and Janice left the office and was walking down the corridor when the man bumped into her. How could she not remember when she bumped into the man? It would have been right after leaving Mr. Sutton's office on her way out of the bank, no?

It stretches the imagination that any lawyer would have the man he is committing a crime with repeatedly come and work openly at his office. This is a quite weak plot point to me.

A couple of minor items:

"Go away!" [H](h)e yelled at the man in the straw hat.

concerned about Janice's health(,) but she assured him

This story could be much improved with just a bit of tightening up the weak points.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Nicki ~

I thought I'd return the favor and review a poem of yours. I really liked this poem! You used the Terza Rima form perfectly, hitting every rhyme correctly. All lines had a ten-syllable count, except for two:
Simple folk donned neither tuxedo nor gown;
Out of America I soared on iron wings

The punctuation was good, except here:
Requisite travel to set my soul free(,)
Out of America I soared on iron wings(.)

Overall, this was excellently penned and quite a pleasure to read.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of The Hunter  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Wild Bill ~

I enjoyed this story. You held my interest throughout and set the scene well for the ending, which is left up to the reader's imagination. A nice piece of writing overall!

A few minor items for your consideration:

mop of matted and greasy(-)looking hair,

He never went hunting[,] and told those

He said all that[, ]and spit half of it in my face(,) too.

No more loud(,) braying fool

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of A Journey To Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1467580 Unavailable **

Greetings, Joywitch ~

This is a well-written and enjoyable read. It flows along nicely. I have only two suggestions for you to consider:

1) Instead of some many couplets, perhaps you could try grouping these into quatrains or some other grouping. This may help the reading.

2) The rhymes are good overall. The last couplet seems the weakest with the repeat of me-me. Perhaps the last line could be something like "From the deep, his voice said, “I am you, don't you see?” to make the rhyme me-see instead of the weaker me-me.

This is a nice piece of writing overall.

Cheers!

Harry
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275
Review by Harry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Billy ~

Within the 300-word limit, this story tells a good tale. It is skimpy and rushed, but the 300-word limit dictates that. The main problem I had was the extreme misuse of commas throughout.

Well, it happened one night[,] after I’d boarded the city bus[,] on my way to the outskirts of town. I had been invited to a party[,] by a friend at work[,] and was excited about going. >>>> None of the bracketed commas are needed.

I was so distracted by the coffee stain on my blouse[, ]that I didn't notice the strange(,) gothic man[, ]watching me from his seat.

long, dark hair[,]rested on his shoulders.

anything of it[,] and returned

He stood, approaching me[,] with a saunter that demanded the world believe[,] he ruled the night.

Cheers!

Harry
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