I Am Dead

I died, actually I died some time ago but it has taken some time for it to sink in

as you can imagine. Basically from what I can gather my brain fried, you see I

suffered from seizures from around the age of 14. But I didn’t have that many

maybe one or two a year but then when I was about 24 I had a big one which I

think was because I forgot to take my medicine, this big seizure was major enough

to kill me, well not so much me but my body.


I remember sitting up in hospital and seeing all my loved ones sitting beside

me. As I looked at their faces I realised they were all crying, they were crying so

much that it shocked me. I tried to tell them that its okay, that I’m awake and every

things sweet. But they just wouldn’t listen, they just ignored me. I tried to touch

them and you could not imagine the terror I felt as my hand went right through

them. There was my dad who I had only seen cry once before in my entire life

crying so hard and in his arms was my mother who was basically a crying mess. I

saw my sister sitting beside them tears streaming down her face and beside her

sat my beloved Laura. She looked so gorgeous against the boring hospital

surroundings but she to was crying and whenever I saw her tears it would always

stab me in the heart and make me cry to. There was nothing I could do to stop her

tears from rolling one after the other out of her precious eyes.


I looked back on the bed and there lying completely lifeless was my body. My

thoughts were racing so fast I can’t really remember exactly what was going

through my mind but I know I was incredible confused and I remember thinking that

maybe if I jumped back into my body it would be okay. I tried this but it done

nothing.

Time went by with me screaming and yelling until some doctors came into the

room and gently ushered my family away. They slowly covered my body up with a

sheet. I tried yelling at them to stop but they couldn’t hear me either.


I went through a stage of complete denial, people talk about the light and what

not but I saw no light and even if I did I wasn’t going to leave I couldn’t leave. I

remember having quite a surprised feeling as well, I guess I always had a strange

feeling that I would never die, that I could never die and would live forever but it

wasn’t true.


They wheeled my body away but I was more concerned about my beloved

Laura as she was so sad that it teared me apart.


For the next few months all I could do was follow my family around. I

discovered that I could move incredibly quickly, basically with just a thought I could

be where ever I wanted to be. But the main place I wanted to be was near Laura. I

loved her so much that being anywhere else just didn’t seem right. Even if it meant

I had to watch her while she was so incredibly sad all because of me.


I remember the constant nights sitting in her lounge watching her tears.

Watching her trying to eat the dinner she had cooked for herself, sitting alone with

the T.V on and then just dropping her knife and fork as she cried such a deep

painful cry. She would try so hard to stop, try to hide it but then it would just burst

out again. Once her tears began to roll so would mine, unable to see her in so

much pain but unable to leave her this way. So many nights we sat together crying

side by side but worlds apart.


I watched her when she had visitors and would end up excusing herself and

rush to the bathroom so she could cry in peace.


I wished so hard that I could do something, anything just to let her know I was

okay and that I was there but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even touch her

precious face, I couldn’t even hold her and I couldn’t whisper things into her ear

telling her everything would be okay. I watched her as she threw so many of her

precious things around the room in fits of sadness and then I would sit there and

watch her cry even more for she had destroyed more of the things in her life.


I tried so many times to hold her, to touch her, to kiss her but she could never

feel it. I knew this was torture for me to watch her but I couldn’t be anywhere else, I

couldn’t leave her alone and I needed to be with her even if there was nothing I

could do to make anything better for her.


I would visit my parents and my sister and see their pain and sadness as well.

But I never stayed to long as nothing compared to being with my Laura.


In my journeys I saw others like me but we were all so stuck in our own worlds

that we would never acknowledge each other. Some of them did try to speak, I

think they were the old ones that had already watched their families grow old and

die and now they had no one to watch over, no one that remembered them. I on the

other hand had Laura to watch over so didn’t bother trying to communicate back.


Time past strangely in this state, like time passes in dreams, kind of blurry.

Slowly everyone began to move on with there lives, I know they didn’t forget me

they just didn’t think of me as often. I was glad knowing that this brought less

pain as they weren’t so sad but it also made me sad to feel like I was drifting away

from their lives. I suffered the sad reality that life in all its glory would never stop or

slow down for the horrible things to pass. It would just keep on ticking by

demanding all the attention that life requires.


My precious Laura began to have her friends around again and she began to

smile again. I loved her smile and even in my state I could still feel the warmth that

came from her happyness. Her face would light up so much when she smiled, she

would literally become an angel.


I was feeling better about things at this stage and found nothing then to watch

Laura laugh and smile. It was almost like her smile had a link to my soul and the

mere sight of it would lift me to my own heaven.


The rest of my family were doing great but there was always the moments

where they would stop and think about me. I could actually feel when people were

thinking about me which was a strange sensation which would make me need to

see the person. Sometimes their thoughts would make them cry as they missed

me and this would make me want to some how be known to them even more. It

seemed to me that there must be some sort of way to cross and do something

no matter how minor it may be just to let them know I was there. But all my

attempts always became futile.


I had run out of ideas so I tried to listen to the older ones that were around.

With their age they must have surely been through the same thing and may even

have found some way. I knew in my living life that there was always tails of ghost

haunting so some of the old ghosts must be able to accomplish this. The next time

I saw an old ghosts that was not rushing around in their own world I went to him.

He was happy to have someone notice him, I hadn't actually thought about

how it must be to become used to people ignoring you even the others ghosts. I

was still in my own rush with my world so I asked him straight out if he knew how

to make any impact on the living world. His answer did not please me at all. He

told me that he had been in this state for around two to three hundred years and he

had never been able to or ever heard of anyone that was able to get any attention

from the living apart from when it was from pure anger. When this happened there

was no control over what happened and that this would usually go very badly.


While this was certainly gloomy for me i wasn't about to give up hope and

began to ask others. Some of the ghosts that I spoke with completely ignored my

question, they would start to rattle on about crap. I think this was because they

hadn’t conversed with anyone in quite some time so they had built up a lot to say,

either that or they had gone a little crazy.


Then there was the ghost that told me that he had seen me, he had watched

me and gave me a warning that chilled me to my core. He told me that soon I will

have to make a decision regarding what I do with my time. I asked him to explain

and he told me that in time we all drift away from the living. He told me that’s its

not because they forget us but it is their life and they still have to live the rest of it.

Some may cling on to the memories of us but they only end up living a sad

shadow. He told that if I was to find away to reach out to the living it would scar

their life and destroy there ability to cope. I didn't understand which he was aware

of. He said i would understand in time but I was shaken and a little disturbed so I

left to go back to my precious Laura.


I loved the warmth she made me feel but hated the fact that I couldn’t return it.

I would watch her sleep and just lie beside her watching her breathing, her beautiful

eyes moving underneath her closed eyelids and then I would cry. I couldn’t believe

how horrible this all was. In life I had never really feared death, it was nothing and if

anything a sort of release but the truth is that it is torment. I was in a form of hell

from which i could not leave. People should really fear death, not because of the

fear for the unknown but because of the loss of loved ones.


As time carried on I pretty much gave up on the idea of making a impact on her

and I done a lot of thinking about the damage that it could cause to Laura and her

life and that was the very last thing I wanted.


Her friends changed, new ones coming and going but I began to notice one

that seemed to be spending a lot of time at her house which made a new emotion

to begin to surface in me. This new person was male and obviously had some sort

of interest in Laura, my Laura. No matter who he was he was not good enough for

her, he was a idiot and would hurt her, but what could I do? I tried to yell at him to

fuck off but of course he couldn’t hear me I tried to punch him to spit on him to do

any damage to him but I already knew I couldn’t. I got so angry and the angrier I

got the more the pent up anger from inside me escaped. I could feel this anger

circling me where ever I went. I could feel the evil in my face, in my thoughts and

new I would have to release it somehow. Laura only showed some interest in this

guy but just the idea of it ripped me to shreds. I was in the lounge and it was just

them two sitting there on the couch where I should have been, not him, not this

sick little imitation and the more I watched the angrier I got. I knew I was about to

explode, I was about to release all this anger. I could even see some of the lighter

objects around the room begin to shake. But then through my anger I looked at

Laura and she was smiling. Seeing her smile made my anger fall away, I listen to

them talk realising that they were talking about me and the things me and her used

to do and also how happy I made her when I was living. I felt something click and I

suddenly realized what the old ghost was talking about earlier.


I sat back in deep thought while watching them. Later that night I watched

them kiss and while I thought this would rip this world apart it didn’t. The guy was

decent, he had no anticipation of hurting her and I could see that he had a similar

love for her as I did, smaller of course but similar. I understood that I no longer

belonged here. This was life and I was not part of it, it was his turn to make sure

she keeps smiling and no longer mine.


I sat there as they cuddled each other and talked until the early hours of the

morning. I watched as they both slowly drifted into sleep. I went over to Laura and I

gently kissed her cheek even though she wouldn’t feel it, it just seemed the right

thing to do and as I did one of my tears fell from my face and landed on her cheek.

Her eyes opened and she lay there staring straight through me, I felt stunned but

then her eyes slowly closed again.

“Goodbye my love, you’ll forever be in my thoughts” I whispered to her in my

sweetest voice and I went to leave. Not in the fast movement I could do as a ghost

but slowly like a person would do and as I walked through the lounge door I heard

her whisper in her sleep

“Goodbye Scotty” and then I was gone. I went to find my own world in this hazy

place. Ready to find out what the next stage is, knowing that I would meet Laura

again. When her time comes we will meet again.