Autobio of Jack Parker, Rabbit Umpire

         On the south side of Los Angeles on June 13 in the year of our lord 1958 I, John Parker, was introduced to this world. I don’t remember much of my days as a baby, but I can recollect when I was five years old. I remember that time well because those days were good. I remember sitting in our cozy house watching the black and white set with my father Arnold Parker, laughing at whatever was being shown on the TV at the time. I remember his laughing face and how warm it made me feel. That was my first memory, but it definitely wasn’t the last. I warn you, my tale is one of loss and oppression. It’s about how even the most straight and narrow of paths can have its potholes. It’s one rabbit’s tale about how I became the umpire that I am today.

         I never had any friends in elementary school. All the kids around me gave me strange looks when one of my long pink ears twitched during the teacher's lecture. They would call me “Floppy” and “Fuzzy Butt”. Whenever they said those things, I always turned my head to answer them. I didn’t understand that those names were meant to keep me silent. After school I would always go straight home. My father would usually come home just before the Dodgers game would start and we’d turn on our black and white TV to Channel 4. My dad and I would watch some of the greatest players the world had to offer face each other for supremacy. People like Sandy Koufax, Tommy Davis, Don Drysdale, and Maury Willis. My father would always point out players on the field, who they were, what they’re role on the field was, things like that. Watching those games with my father are some of my most precious memories. I remember asking him one day who those guys in the black outfits next to the bases were. “Those men are the ones who decide who’s safe and who’s out,” My father said, “they are the law of the field.” The law of the field, I thought. That always stuck with me. I decided right then and there that I wanted to be an umpire. Sure it was a young age to decide what I wanted to do and if I knew how hard it was going to be, I probably would have just been a golf caddy or something.

         Growing up was hard due to the tense race relations going on between the blacks and the whites. I could take no side due to my pink complexion. Being a rabbit didn’t help things either. It was the worst in high school when the civil rights movement was gone, but the tension was still very present in LA. I found myself in my share of fist fights with both the white kids who didn’t want to give any more ground to any other race (or species, in my case). The black kids also beat me up, thinking my pink complexion was more white than black. I came home with a black eye after one of my first fights and my father asked me where I got it. I told him about the fighting and he looked me right in the eye. “John,” he began to say, “How are you ever going to be an umpire when you can’t handle a hot headed punk? I know, I’ll teach you how to stand your ground to someone! Those kids will usually back down when you show them you aren’t going to change your mind.” From then on, after baseball, he showed me how to fight without swinging. He showed me how to take punishment of any kind without showing fear. It worked. Soon people realized I wasn’t afraid of them anymore. They became even more afraid of me than before and they began to respect me. It’s weird how respect develops from the most unlikely feelings. They began talking to me more with words than fists and actually told me about a job as an umpire with the local little league. I applied immediately.
I still don’t know how I got the job. Maybe there were no applicants or maybe there was a good word put in for me. It had to be the former. However I got it, the job was mine. Many people couldn’t understand how a rabbit could stand on two feet let alone call a game at third base. With time, however, they accepted me. The parents loved how I called games straight down the line while the kids loved me because I was…well…a giant rabbit. I was soon named the Best Umpire of the league. I had no idea such an award existed, but I was honored nonetheless. It was the first trophy I had ever gotten. My father was so proud that I was succeeding in my dream. I think he was even happier that I still got home just before the Dodgers game to watch it with him. I was riding a high I had never felt before. I enjoyed it right until it was crushed.

         I found out there was a college scout in town a few days after my Best Umpire ceremony. He was going to be watching some of the high school players play. I went down to that game and scanned the crowd, looking for a hint. That’s when I saw a man taking quick notes onto his notepad. That had to be him. I approached him after the game and asked about how I could get into the college he was employed with as an umpire. “Kid, I know what colleges and the MLB want, and it sure as hell isn’t a giant pink bunny novelty act.” I was shattered. He took my dreams and called them a “novelty”. I hid away in my room, softly crying to myself. My dad came in and asked me what was wrong. I told him. He told me that I didn’t need the MLB to fulfill my dream. He showed me a flyer he had taken off of a light pole. “It’s a small upstart league, but they’re looking for the best. You, my boy, are the best.” He pointed to my trophy in the corner of the room. “They need you, son.” I took the flyer and read the name of the league. It was called Bad News Baseball.

         I put together what was left of me and headed out to the address on the flyer. I applied for the umpire job with little hope. The interview happened a week or so later and I went in. The look the man gave me as I walked into the room was one of shock. I thought that he already had his mind made up when I first walked in. I was right. At the end of the interview he leaned over the table and asked me if I was ready to work after graduation. I asked him “You’re…hiring me? Right now?” He smiled at me. “I don’t think I need to see anyone else. You’re exactly what we’re looking for.” That was the beginning of the rest of my life.

         After graduation, I began my job as third base umpire for the Bad News Baseball league. I’ve been there ever since. I’m still shocked how much great talent the BNB attracted. The talent attracted the crowds. Soon we were selling out every night and every night they would hang on my every decision. I can’t say I could be happier. Tonight’s been particularly rough, however. I think it’s about time to go hit the hot tub.