Long Day

Pondering...what a hilarious word.

Yet, this is what I've been doing for the past few hours of the night.

I got off the phone with my girlfriend, Anna. We were both pretty frustrated with eachother by the end of the conversation. We haven't seen eachother for almost a month now, and we're both on edge. It's hard when you can't see loved ones.

She's supposed to be back tomorrow, and I want to surprise her, but I've got a semi-busy day tomorrow, and I need to know when she'll be back, but she doesn't know, thus creating a problem. She wants me to "surprise" her, even though at that point it really won't be. Either way, just to see her when she gets back would be nice.

Lately I just feel like she takes me, and everything I do/have done for her for granted. She starts expecting things now, and I can't always keep up with what she wants, no matter how much I want to.

Here's to hoping things work themselves out, because God knows we're both too tired to try ourselves.

We've talked about it, as a lot of young couples in love do. About our future, and what we think is gonna happen with us. Our best conclusion so far is "we'll see when we get there"

Which is fine with me. We're still in high school, so that answer is respectable. She says sometimes that she doesn't wanna have a big letdown in the future, so why continue now?

This is also a respectable answer, but when we get down to it, neither of us will break up with the other, we love eachother too much to let go. Crazy teenage love.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future. The ideal situation would be that Anna and I both go to college (close ones, hopefully), and stay together throughout, and get married either during or shortly after.

We will be going to different schools. That's almost guaranteed at this point. We'll be about 2 hours away from eachother. I don't have a problem driving over as long as I can still afford the gas. (haha) I'm not sure she'd be ok with that though.

I s'pose it's too early to tell though eh?

I know what I wanna do when I grow up, at least vaguely anyway. I wanna major in Chemistry/Biochemistry, and work as an R/D person at a major pharmaceutical company. Becoming a theoretical physicist wouldn't be too bad either.

Both of these paths seem so lonely though. Long hours, late nights, but it's something I'd enjoy doing.

I'm not entirely sure at this point if I want a family or not. I'm pretty sure I won't have time for them, atleast when I'm still working as whatever I'll become. Anna aspires to be a stay at home mom, eventually, but even if that works out for us, I don't wanna short her on the time I spend with her.

Ah, only 17 and thinking about 10 years ahead of myself. Is this really my life? Planning the rest of it out? Seems like a pretty crappy way to live. There's never any time to live in the now, it's always about the future.

I guess if that's the way you're raised though eh? If you don't plan for the road ahead, you're stupid! You should've seen this/that coming! *sigh* Good times.

The what-ifs though, those are the kickers. Where you have to think about every single possibility, assess the probability, and proceed accordingly. Why live like that? To prevent bad things from happening unexpectedly? They'll happen regardless. Is it worth it?

Is it worth throwing your life away now in order to live well in the future?

Only the individual can make that choice. This individual is still up in the air, and doesn't feel like making that decision, mainly out of apathy I s'pose.

And thus, I move on.