Jack T Dollar: Attorney at Crime

I was drinking a glass of bourbon and masturbating furiously to animal porn when the call came in. I let the phone ring exactly three times, i repeat, exactly three times before I answered it.

"We know where you live." The gravelly voice over the reciever whispered.

"Im masturbating,can this wait."

"We have a job for you Jack. You're our man." The voice was comforting, like my mother's.

"Give me the details." I finished, zipped up and downed the rest of my bourbon. It was a man's drink, bourbon, not for faggots and sissies.

"The Marquis requires unnecessary surgery. Once again you must operate." To me the voice sounded like a series of unintelligeble bleeps but the intent was clear.

" What? why? I haven't wielded a scalpel in years. My hands are as steady as Jennifer Lopez's marriages." I took up my rifle, an old mauser a relic from the war and aimed it out the window. I looked through the scope.

"Topical humor won't save you this time, Detective."

"Ill need a lot of drugs." Bam, one less minority to worry about. Now to even the score, a White Oppressor.

"The usuals are on your desk. Mescaline, ether,opium.Rat Poison." I couldn't tell if the last one was a joke. I hoped to god it wasn't.

"Fine, tell the Marquis I'll be there in two days. Same place?" Bam, the Man was down.

"Yes, The Palazzi in Rome. You know the password." The voice had morphed somehow into the language of dolphins. It was a pleasant sound.

"Very well I expect payment on the fifteenth, I repeat, the fifteenth." I put the rifle away and got my coat, badge, gun and medical kit. I hung up the phone and left the office. It seemed I was on the way to Rome.

The flight was boring and everyone knows airline food is made out of the unused meat of slaughtered jew children. So I gnawed on my hand the entire way through. This provided a level of comfort and some small measure of nourishment. Don't ask me how I smuggled my gun onboard. It was not pleasant, or maybe it was not unpleasant, I dont quite remember. Upon landing there was a huge mongoloid, that is, a man from mongolia waiting for me. He said his name was Jefferson, a fact I found highly suspicious and dangerously irrelevant. It didn't matter to me, I was blitzed out of my mind off mescaline and the reality that is Jefferson the Mongoloid to my mind was nothing more that a Terrier Schnauzer licking its own balls. Ive never been driven around Rome by a dog, much less a self-gratifying one and I found the experience to be delightful.

We reached the Palazzio.

I came to a door known only to World Leaders and myself and whispered the words "Der erstaunliche der Gnade". A passageway revealed itself and I followed it all the way up to where the Marquis was having himself pleased by a boy or a girl, I could not tell at the moment I was still on mescaline and it bothered me not too much. I laid out my medical equipment and The Marquis gestured at me to continue. I went on to remove his spleen and gall bladder though he needed it not, they were both in perfect condition and not a detriment to his health. The Marquis suffered from a psychological malady which Ive never heard of nor was I interested. I had them pickled in formaldehude and wrapped in pink ribbons when I handed them to him. He was still doused up on the anasthetic I mean mescaline. I left but not before using the restroom.

The trip back to America was the reverse of my trip to rome as follows:

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When I was back in my office I found $15,000 dollars in Gold. As usual. Damn they were accurate. Bless them. I took a seat, any old seat and poured myself a glass of the juice, you know what kind of juice im talking about. Then, its just a waiting game