The Journal

I look back at my journal that I wrote when I was 15. It consists of a lot of guys names. Ad a 15 year old girl I was extremely afriad of love so I just went from one guy to the next and had some fun and never got attached to one guy. My parents were divorced, most of my aunts and uncles were also divorced. I was convinced that there was no such thing as love. As I look back on these certain pages of my worn out, dusty journal I remember all the feelings I had during those times just like it was yesterday.

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Dear Journal, 9/12/90
I met this guy today. He was really cute. Tall, dark, had broud shoulders. He had it all. I didn't get a chance to talk to him today but I will defiantly talk to him tomorrow. I could have a lot of fun with him. He looks shy which will make getting him to loosen up a challenge. I love challenges! I asked around, I found out that his name is Jeremy and that we go to the same school. We don't have the same classes because he's a senior this year and I'm only a freshman. Well, I've got to go I hear my mom yelling at me she's probably in the mood for our daily fight. Bye.

Dear Journal, 9/28/90
Sorry I haven't wrote in so long but heres the update. I got Jeremy to talk to me finally. The only problem is he doesn't know I'm 15. He's 18 and I think he thinks I'm 16 or 17. I didn't tell him that so its not like I'm lying. Well, anyways we have a date for tomorrow night. Got to go I hear mom yelling again... and you know what that means. Plus I got to get a hot outfit to wear!

Dear Journal, 9/30/90
We went on our date last night. He's so cute! He is so adoringly shy. He finally got up the guyts to kiss me at the end of the date. It wasn't like most kisses though. He did it so softly and slowly. It was perfect. It left me wanting more. No guy has ever made me feel like he did tonight. It wasn't just this kiss that was great he was too. He's so sweet and caring. He actually listens when I talk and takes interest in what I'm saying. He's not like most guys who are wanting me to be quiet so they can make thier move and we can start making-out. Whoa I've got to stop thinking like this. Its as if I really like him. Got to go the phones ringing.

Dear Journal, 10/4/90
Sorry its been so long again I have just been spending a lot of time with Jeremy. He's so great. I think I actually like him. Well, actually I think I more than like him. But I know that isn't possible because love isn't real. But I do feel something and it isn't normal for me anyways. Got to go I hear my parents yelling I got to get out of this house because I scream I think I'll go over to Jeremy's. Whoa no I'll go to Amee;s house. But I really want to go to Jeremy's. Oh what the hay I'm going to his house.

Dear Journal, 10/6/90
I did go to Jeremy's house the other night after I got through writing. Boy was that a mistake. We got in a fight. We fought and yelled at each other. It was about my age he found out and I told him that I wasn't sorry that I didn't tell him either. It was really my fault we got in a fight I was just in a really bad mood. We finally made up and he ended up saying the "L" word. Yea he said it. "I love you, Ally." I thought I was going to die. I couldn't say it back so I just left. He's been calling me ever since but I wont answer the phone.

Dear Journal, 10/8/90
Jeremy came over last night and we got into another fight. I told him I hated him and that I didn't want to see him again. He was so hurt it was written all over his face. But I think I was even more hurt than he was. He left and we didn't even make up. I cried all night. This morning I got up and called him and apologized. He is coming over later to talk about it.

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After that we went out for months. I started freaking out because I loved him. So I tried everything to get him not to love me. I did everything that I knew would upset him or make him mad. I put myself down constantly because he hated when I did that. I talked about other guys. I did everything!

It didn't even faze him. He was so in love with me it was unreal. The thing was I loved him that much too.

~~~****~~~

Dear Journal, 1/3/91
We got into one of our usual fights again. But tonight he yelled at me with such a force. He meant what he was saying tonight. I cried about it and I went over to Amee's to let her make me feel better. She wasn't home so I went to this guy's house I used to date. He gave me these pills and told me that they would make me feel better. So I took two. I was so happy and I felt great afterwards. They have done wore off now but I'll take a few more later and go see Jeremy. Got to go take a few because it takes a while for them to kick in fully.

Dear Journal, 1/4/91
I went to Jeremy's and he got mad at me for taking them. He asked me to stop taking them but I just can't. I love them. I need them. I will take them and he just don't have to know about it. Got to go I'm getting kind of dizzy maybe I should lay down.

Dear Journal, 1/9/91
Oops I forgot where I kept you so I haven't wrote to you in a while. I love these pills! Jeremy hates them. But oh well. When he yells at me I have to have them. I did just take two at first but now I take three. Wow three is so much better!!

Dear Journal, 1/10/91
Tonight I was suppose to go to Jeremy's house. Except I got lost on the way there. He came looking for me when I didn't show up. He found me wondering down a street a few blocks away from his house. He says its the pills that make me forget and that I will get hurt if I keep doing stuff liek this. No way!! He's crazy!!

Dear Journal, 1/15/91
I got in trouble again tonight. I was going to Amee's house and I forgot where it was. I walked forever and then I got sleepy and dizzy so I was going to go sit on a bench. On my way over there I tripped over a big stump that I didn't see was there. I cut my head really bad and I was bleeding a lot. I had pieces of glass all in my hands, arms, and legs. Luckily Jeremy was walking back from his friend's house and seen me laying there not moving much. He took me back to his house and helped me get all the glass out of my hands, arms, and legs. He also put medicine on my cuts and begged me to let him take me to the hospital because I needed stitches. But I convinced him not to. He knew I was on the pills and told me that if I kept taking them he wasn't going to stay with me.

Dear Journal, 1/17/91
Jeremy told me he wasn't going to be there for me anymore. Okay so I took them again. Okay I got in a little bit more trouble. I was driving after I took them and I got dizzy and hit a tree. I reopened the but on my head that was already there for the other night. This time he took me to the hospital and I got stitches. Now we are broke up. But I loved him. Why can't he love me? I knew love was just stupid!

Dear Journal, 1/24/91
Tonight was awful. I went out again. I took four pills instead of the usual three. I was out walking in the park. I sat down on a bench because I wasn't feeling really well. A guy came and sat down beside me. He was nice enough. Kind of older than most guys I date. He was probably 25 or so. He talked me into coming back to his apartment just to lay down for a while until I got to feeling better. Right then I didn't care where I was going I just needed to lay down. He ended up raping me. I have bruises all over my body where he hit and kicked me when I tried to get away from him. I am sore all over. I got to go I'm starting to bleed again.

Dear Journal, 1/28/91
I haven't went to school since it happened. Jeremy came over earlier and wanted to know why wasn't I coming to school. I told him I was sick but I didn't tell him about the rape and I didn't plan on it. When I raised up my arms to reach for something off a high shelf my shirt came up a little and you could see my stomach was purple from the beating I took. Jeremy begged me to tell him how they got there. I cried and he told me and told me everything was going to be okay and that he was sorry for leaving me. He even cried and told me this was his fault. It wasn't and I told him that it was mine I should have listened to him. Those pills did this to me. I am never taking them again.

Dear Journal, 9/10/91
It has took a while and a lot of hard work but I am completely off of those pills. I still crave them sometimes but I love Jeremy and wont give into them.

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That was the last of those pills. I never took them again. Those were the hardest months of my life. But the greatest too. I went to the police and Jeremy came with me and filed a report of the rape. They caught the guy and he is in prison now. Jeremy and I are still together to this day. He is the guy that taught me love is real. I can't deny it anymore. I love Jeremy with all my heart and soon I will be Mrs. Jeremy Brooks. This was my life lesson. Drugs will never make things better. You might feel good while your taking them but they are never the way to go. It never works out right.

I read a few more pages of my journal and then I shut it. I put it on the top shelf where it has always been since I was 15. I take it down and hold it for a while just thinking. I wrap it up in a pretty red and black paper, Jeremy's favorite colors, and tuck it under my bed. That will make a great birthday present for him. To know I always loved him even when I didn't say it. I am going to give it to him tomorrow at our wedding which is also his birthday.