I want the last cookie

“I want the last cookie. It’s not as if he’s really gonna eat it. He’s just sitting there, crumbling the one he has in his sticky little fingers. Lord knows where those fingers have been! Actually, I do know where they have been. They were up his grubby little nose not five minutes ago, but I don’t care. I still want that cookie. Who died and left him in charge of the cookies anyway?

I think he’s being selfish. He doesn’t really want it; he wants the Yankee doodles in the cabinet. I know he does because he just whined about it five minutes ago while he was digging for gold. His mother said no. He can’t have any more chocolate before dinner. Instead, he got cookies and I want them even if he doesn’t. He got milk too but he can have that. Milk is nasty stuff. I heard somewhere that it comes out of COWS if you can believe it!

If he cannot have what he wants, then he wants everything else. He has the cookie, but will it make him happy? I know it would make ME happy if he would just offer it to me instead of sitting there with that stupid look on his face. He’s taunting me with it. That is just uncalled for and to be quite honest, rather rude. Hasn’t his mother ever taught him that you should share what you have? I have NEVER failed to share anything I have with him.

I bring him new and interesting things all the time! Every day has been one adventure after another. Who was it who found that really great mud puddle the other day? It wasn’t MY fault his Mom screeched like a banshee when we tracked mud all over her new bedspread. That was his idea to jump in the bed. I wanted to play ball …. but NO. We had to occupy ourselves with an indoor activity.

While we’re on the subject of ball, I would like to point out that this is my favorite game and we don’t play it nearly as often as we should. It’s not as if I’m asking much here. Is it my fault that he gets tired way before I do? Why do we always have to play what he wants to play? Where’s the fairness in that?

What about that time we found that empty beehive? At least I thought it was empty until they came swarming out and chased us all over the yard. Good thing his mom knows first aid. Ok, so that was a bad example, but how about the time I found his sister’s doll and we tore it to shreds and made her cry? Now THAT was fun! I know he had a great time because of that chortling sound he always makes whenever he thinks we’ve gotten away with something.

What have I ever done to him? I’m a good boy. Everybody says so. They all say, Henry, you’re such a good boy so why shouldn’t I have the last cookie? Shouldn’t good behavior be rewarded? Wasn’t our great country founded on the belief that we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Our founding fathers were not fools. They wrote the constitution with just such injustices in mind. His mother didn’t necessarily say that he could have ALL of the cookies so don’t I have the right to the pursuit of just one? It must say it in the constitution somewhere because he reads his homework assignments to me every day before he hands them in. I know we covered this material so why is he being so stubborn about it?

I’ve been his friend for years! We’ve done everything together. It’s not that I’m jealous of him, but the real killer is that he’s such a suck up. Everyone loves him. He gets all of the hugs and kisses while I am sent out of the room. I’m not complaining, honestly I’m not. I love him. He is and will always be my best bud. I have taken the blame for him on more than one occasion when we both know who really knocked over the plant, now don’t we? We also know who dug that huge hole in the yard to bury the pirate treasure.

It certainly wasn’t me who stole his mother’s ham sandwich off counter yesterday. I had to sit and watch him eat the sandwich and just because I was late getting to the kitchen all I got was the crust. He sat there and looked at me as if he did a good deed giving me his leftovers! The nerve! I even forgave him the time he locked me outside in the pouring rain for three hours. I sneezed for days after that but did he care? Of course not! The VERY LEAST he could do is give me the last cookie, a cookie he doesn’t even want I might add.

Look! He’s walking away from it! Doesn’t that mean it’s now fair game? CAN I HAVE IT? NOOOO….she’s cleaning off the table! Now what am I supposed to do? If I beg do you think she’ll give it to me? It’s broken and slimy anyway. No one else will want it. Only me, trusty, loyal, ever willing to clean up his leftovers, Henry, wants that nasty old cookie.

Look into my eyes. Look deep into my eyes. Can't you see I NEED that cookie? Look at my thin emaciated body, in need of nourishment. No, that's not rolls of fat, its rolls of empty skin in need of a cookie. See the pathetic look on my face? Doesn't that tell you how much I NEED that cookie? Without it, I think I'll die. No, I've no idea about the suspicious puddle in the hallway, or who left the mess in the laundry, or who scared the cat, or why there's a hole in the screen door. Must have been somebody else, somebody who doesn't need a cookie.

I don't care that's it's sticky, or covered in dirt. That just means it has more flavor - it will be good for my digestion. Have you seen a more sorry expression on anyone's face? I'm thinking of your health when I tell you that you don't need it as much as I do. Here, let me help you with that. It’s much too heavy for you to carry. By the way, you are the most wonderful human being in the world. Sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but my mind was occupied by the crumbly, scrumptious cookie that you were....hey, what's that in your other hand? Is that ..ANOTHER COOKIE!?!? Damn, it’s only a potholder.

YES YES YES! Oh, thank you GOD! She gave it to me and I didn’t have to do that stupid paw trick or anything for it! Lord that is the stupidest trick ever invented. Why on earth do they love that one so much? Personally, I like the rollover one better. That way they are amused and I get to scratch my back at the same time. Maybe I should give her a present later. I think maybe I’ll put my favorite bone in her sewing basket where she’ll be sure to find it and reward me. Maybe she’ll even give me another cookie!”