Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
So many times I think of all the good things you did for me. I never thanked you sufficiently. I do know that you knew that I might never be able to do that. You accepted me like no one else. You were my anchor during the years when Mom and I were at odds before your death. You helped me all that you could, expected little in return. I am sure you must have been disappointed that I never said thank you much. I am sorry that I was not there for you when you needed me when you died. Yet I am sure that you know why.
Dad, I am still growing. I am not yet as good as I am sure you hoped I'd be. There are times when I wish I could have your arms wrapped around me once more, could hear you say, "I love you." Yet when you left God took your place. Who better than he could show me the love I so much needed at that time. HE gave me the song, "I am the Resurrection and the Life" throughout the wake. And with it a joy I did not know could exist. Because you were my idol if He had not done what He had I would surely have had to be under psychiatric care. He sustained me, then trained me, loving me to wholeness. I grew in leaps in bounds mentally, and emotionally from that time on.
Now I am struggling again with dreams and the griefs of life as it is. Mom has Alzehiemer and may soon join you in heaven. She and I have a better relationship since after her Mom died. Yet I keep experiencing at times problems with her critical jibes. I know she loves me. I know it is habit but oh, how it hurts at times. It is all I can do not to get sharp with her. I give that to Jesus as He is the only one who can do anything with it.
In a way, I wish you had been around when I was going with David. I needed your feedback. I knew he wasn't good in some ways. I also know he needed to be led to think in a better way. Stubborn, bullheaded man he was, he did not listen but went his own way. He hurt me a lot. We parted some years ago. It was a relief.
While I am mostly okay there are times I wish I had some one to love again. Yet I ask myself again and again, "Am I really ready for that? Can I love someone else as much as they need to be loved? Will I be unable to share love with another when they need it? Am I one of those who can only take and not give?" No, I gave David a lot but received little in return and it is from him I learned how much I must have hurt you and Mom. I think I can again love like I had him. But I hope this time I get someone who can be truly giving back and forth, not one sided as it was with David.
The one grief I cannot change, must accept. I cannot help Mom in her time of need. I cannot stay with her and help her. Even though I can hear a great deal better than I had before I cannot hear at night with out the aid. She will certainly need help in the future. John, George and I are keeping an eye on her on that point. So far so good.
I still think of you. I love you and know that God is with us both.
I'm slowly getting my dream up and running. I have published some items in our local paper but long to be published in a magazine and have a bunch of books to my name. So I am following the directive given to me to write all dreams I have at night. Two already show great promise. I just hope our dear Lord is letting you see the joy I get in the writing and in the dreams I am getting.
I just wish I could have had more help and support in my growing years in this particular dream. I wish I could have known what I know now; I can do it and am able to be published. I only knew it in my heart but not in actuallity. I just wish I had been published at least not just a letter to the editor but articles or essays. I had all kinds of ideas but no basis; no one to help me get them put on paper so that they would be acceptable. I have finally completed a course though it took a number of years to do so. That showed me not only how hard it is but also that I can succeed. I just have to learn the other part of writing - find the publisher who will accept the work.
I always believed in me. It's just that there were times I thought you and Mom did not, not enough to encourage me in my efforts. I grant sometimes your experiences are good measures but they should not be the only measure. But that self belief got worn down until it is all I can do at times now to believe I can achieve my goals. Yet again Jesus steps in. He's the one who leads the way. I found Writing.com and it is helping me. So to Him I give praise and thanks for this gift.
Dad, I have many friends. I am also trying to be friends for some of my neighbors. I never forgot the lessons you taught. Some I treasure. I treasure as well the length of time I had with you around. Some of these lessons I would like to write about, share in my stories. I hope you won't mind. Thank you for loving me the best you could in all the ways you did.
Love, Barbara