Choices

Fire builds from the pit of my stomach. I try to walk away, but is there sense in even trying? If he wasn’t who he at most times appeared to be, I wouldn’t want to know him. Glancing at the clock, I begin to realize how often I do that. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for my chance or some break from this night. A chance for what I wonder….. Perhaps for change of some kind, from what I’ve come to know and freedom from uncertainty. To be living my life just for me. Not worried about what’s coming next or if this hexing man ever loved me.

“I see you’ve been drinking without me,” my secret lover says as he haughtily strolls toward me. He’s always so self-assured, as if he knows I’ll be here when he comes calling. Would he be unaffected by my absence? Yes, his face is agreeable and seems to echo sweet ‘I love you’s’. But I fear his heart is a cold and empty place that no fire could reach. Does he ever think of me? I mean, other than just some toy to casually play with and then discard and forget when he’s bored?

Here he comes, deciding it’s time for another game of me. Do I listen to the ramblings inside my head; or that feeling stirring and burning within me? Maybe I’ll save such ponderings for another day. “No,” I smile, “I’ve been waiting for you.”