Relationship

He and she were not together. Only seconds after stepping on the train, she noticed Seth just a foot behind her (though, of course, she did not know his name, just as he did not know her name was Risa). He had been standing at the stop in Sheridan when she came in, feeling frazzled and tense; but that faded away quickly once she saw the El was still down the tracks. They would both notice each other, and be filled with unanswerable questions.
Seth was average height and femininely thin, but the bulky sweater he wore, at least two sizes too big, looked as cute as it did silly on him. In her head, Risa smiled at her own childishness; rarely did such smiles break out on her face. Her eyes intentionally avoided his as she studied the screen of her cell phone, scrolling through the list of missed calls she had already gone through twice before. He remained in her periphery. He wore a jacket that looked old because of physical damage, rather than worn threads. Rips in the sleeves and careless (though stylish) patchwork across the back of the jacket were unusual sights for Risa, more accustomed to seeing two hundred dollar coats and designer labels. He’s fascinating, she thought, astonished by her own thought.
His first chance to study Risa was while she stood, waiting for the elderly Hispanic woman to move her purse from one of the three remaining seats. Risa wore a long brown coat that stopped just below her knees, buttoned up to her neck. It was a winter coat, so its thickness masked her figure, but he determined from her stature that she had a slender form, small breasts, but long legs. She had the thin, angular face of a model, but with a stout circular nose that made her whole face look round and friendly, though sad. She’s pretty like money, Seth thought, surprised that he didn’t mean it in a bad way.
Risa sat down as she smiled at the frail woman next to her, then set a see-through, green plastic shopping bag on her lap. Seth sat in the second to last remaining seat, directly across the aisle from Risa, nodding to the black teenage boy who moved his knees to let him sit. He lowered his shoulder so that his backpack slid down his arm and into his lap. A black wire attached headphones in Seth’s ears to a small CD player in the front pouch of his backpack. A middle-aged, balding businessman with sleek, prescription glasses and a leather briefcase took the last available seat. Seth and Risa didn’t notice him.
Risa felt an urge to say something to him, but she was suddenly gripped by the fear of being too real. This was the time of day when people did their thinking, because this was when there was time for it. For an hour, people lied to themselves and believed every word. Or even worse, they were honest, and no one should get involved with a person who can be trusted.
Besides, he had headphones on; she didn’t want to go out of her way to get his attention. He unzipped the front pouch, lifted out a CD case and pulled out a burned CD from it. He then reached back into the pouch, pulled out his gray CD player and swapped CDs, placing the one from the player into the case and putting both back into the pouch. This was her chance to talk to him, before he hit Play. Being honest with herself, she was nervous and self-conscious. She was afraid he might be too good looking, with his bright blue eyes and babyish face.
Seth had taken an unnecessarily long time changing out CDs, leaving it up to the girl to make some sort of introductory move. He knew she wouldn’t, but he was hoping for one of those movie moments, the ones cynics call “contrived” and lonely optimists believe in like God. Sometimes Seth got tired of the reality and wished for a little of the unreal. She didn’t even seem to notice, though. Maybe she hadn’t noticed he was there. He thought he saw her stare at him when she first entered the stop, but out of the corner of his eye he couldn’t tell if she was looking at him or only at the sign that announced when the next train would be arriving. She had looked an awfully long time.
Risa began to rummage through her plastic bag, studying her recent purchases. Seth opened the main pocket of his backpack and searched through notebooks and papers until he found the small book he had been reading. A collection of short stories that recounted the lives of prostitutes, nymphomaniacs and deviants in a way as to create sympathy and relevance for each character’s life. A good writer can make you care about anyone, he thought. He was reading it for a class. By the time Seth located the last page he had read, Risa had determined which item she wanted to examine more thoroughly.
Removing the small package that held her new portable mp3 player, Risa wondered if the commotion of opening the package would draw the boy’s attention. She hoped that this ambiguous musical connection between the two would encourage him to make an introduction. He didn’t seem to notice. She continued to fiddle with the package anyway. It was an expensive gift to herself but she had been promising to get one since the summer. Her mother wanted her to come home for Thanksgiving this year, because Risa would miss Christmas with the family for the first time in her life. Her dad told her very pragmatically over the phone that he would pay for her trip to Europe, but she should consider that her family gift this year. Risa knew what gift she was going to buy her parents, but she still needed to figure out what to get her younger sister.
In between skips of his CD, Seth could hear Risa struggling with the package to what appeared to be an mp3 player. The track skipped when the train shook; sometimes there were blatant pauses of a few seconds. His CD player was old, a gift he received for his birthday in eighth grade, and was held together mostly with tape. He couldn’t afford a new one, but he wouldn’t buy another even if he could; the new players were all orange or blue with too many unnecessary screens and functions. Anyway, after the CD got in the groove, it stopped skipping; or, perhaps, Seth just stopped noticing.
Rufus Wainwright sang sad love songs, ironically relevant to Seth.
Risa really hadn’t thought of what she would do once she had the player out of its package. Her anxiousness made her fidgety, a behavior that family and close friends commented on. Trying to open the impossible plastic packaging for her new purchase took care of her idle hands momentarily, but with time she would have it open and then what would she do? She could read the instruction booklet, she considered. Anything to not look bored and alone. Though, she was quite naturally bored and alone.
Sliding her fingernails into a small rift, she gave a vigorous yank that ripped the package in half down one side with a loud, grating noise that everyone heard but pretended not to notice. Out from the torn edge of the package, the white folded sheet of paper that detailed proper usage of the product fell and landed on the floor of the train, exactly halfway between him and her. They both noticed it. They both pretended they hadn’t seen it fall out of the corners of their respective eyes.
Maybe he’ll pick it up, Risa thought, seeing an opportunity that she could not have planned. Maybe he’ll take off his headphones, pick it up, tap me on the shoulder and hand it to me. Maybe he’ll ask my name and we’ll have a conversation. Now that the idea had passed through her mind, Risa knew she couldn’t pick it up herself. She had to keep pretending she hadn’t seen it fall. She had to allow for the chance. Chance was a compelling force. Maybe he’ll think I dropped it on purpose.
Did she see it fall? Seth had to resist the urge to stare down at the small, rectangular sheets of paper that shone up at him from the floor like headlights on a dark night. On the El, even acts of kindness were indecent. Should I pick it up? It’d be an easy way to start a conversation. Does she know I saw it? Did she see it? I saw it, she had to have seen it. Seth continued to nod his head slowly to the music floating in his ears. From all appearances, he was oblivious. Did she drop it on purpose?
Now unsettled by similar knowledge, similar desire, similar expectations, the two were together.
With nothing better to do, Risa studied the mp3 player. While the instruction booklet had created a fortuitous possibility, it also left her without any way to keep herself practically occupied. She pushed buttons on the player, turned it in her hands, examined it like an exotic jewel. She hoped she didn’t look so obviously idle. I can’t pick it up now, it’ll be obvious I was trying to get his attention.
Seth realized he had read and reread the same sentence of his short story at least a half dozen times. He was already on the third page of the story and he wasn’t sure who the main character was. He couldn’t even remember the title. His mind was occupied otherwise. I think I’ve waited too long. How can I make it look like I just noticed it? But even then, how would I know it was hers unless I saw it drop? I shouldn’t have waited so long. Does she know she dropped it?
So the paper would stay on the floor, and only when a heavyset woman with a bad leg boarded the train an hour later would it be kicked aside and hidden under a seat next to a piece of gum and a subway map. It was in those dark crevices of the discarded that simple bonds were lost and forgotten until even their existence came into doubt. But for now, the paper remained a connection between the two strangers.
Outside, buildings passed steadily, consistently, mournfully, as the sky faded from gray to black with the last traces of the sun disappearing from the cracks of skyline that broke the cityscape. Advertisements and graffiti were read then forgotten as soon as they were out of sight. Those who rode the train regularly had particular buildings, or signs, or words that grabbed their attention everyday and they looked to them for comfort. When indeterminate danger was an ever-present threat for the urban dweller, one began to think of the mundane as safety.
Nobody wants change.
She and he could not know that their thoughts were so neatly congruent. Seth reminded Risa of an old boyfriend that had only lasted a few weeks, but whom she had built a strong affection for very quickly. It was Seth’s nose and chin that made the association in her mind. The lips in-between reminded her of two first kisses, one a reality long past, the other a fantasy she had been unable to lose since she first saw Seth biting his lip in the stop as he nodded his head and tapped his foot in unison to a private soundtrack.
Risa’s dusty blond hair brought to mind a girl Seth had carried a crush for throughout middle school. That girl never knew how he felt because Seth could never bring up the nerve to tell her. That memory naturally led to all the girls Seth had secretly desired throughout his lackluster puberty years. He had imagined kissing many girls, and the way Risa pursed her lips with consternation only made it that much harder not to introduce himself.
But fear kept either from revealing their true thoughts to the other.
Each sought for a distraction.
At first, Risa tried to focus on the problem of what to get her sister for Christmas. Her sister tended to be hard to shop for, unless she told Risa a specific CD that she wanted. Like the Fiona Apple album last year. This made Risa think about her new mp3 player. Which made her think of the paper on the floor. Which made her think of the boy next to her. This train of thought was ineffective. She thought about going to Europe. Her best friend had figured out the details over the summer. Risa hadn’t believed it would actually work out, but somehow all the details came together. She still needed to make a to-do list of loose ends she needed to tie up before she left. Packing would be hard. What do you wear in Europe? She hated all her clothes. Really, she hated how her body looked in her clothes. She would look in the mirror in nothing but her underwear and imagine having larger breasts, sexier hips. Her sister (three years younger than her, even) had curves Risa would have given anything for. Besides clothes, Risa would need to pack other essentials. Toiletries, of course, notebooks to journal, her new digital camera, her new mp3 player. With all her music. I wonder what he’s listening to.
Damnit. Why can’t I think about anything else?
Seth wasn’t going to have much time to sit around once he got back to his apartment. He had a paper due in two days which he had only one source for and no thesis. He could bullshit a paper in three hours once he got down to it, but he was too easily distracted by random websites and music on his computer. Seth wanted to get an mp3 player so he could have more than just a CD’s worth of music with him. Risa’s new toy impressed him. I wonder what kind of music she listens to. If he kept thinking about her he would drive himself crazy with angst. He thought about what else he needed to do once he got home. He still needed to call his mom. She had left two messages on his machine that he hadn’t found the time to respond to. With his mother, there was no such thing as a quick conversation. He had to set aside at least an hour. It was why Seth was reluctant to introduce friends to her. He didn’t want to unleash his mother’s vocal cords on them. Also, it was just awkward when those two worlds collided. Only one of his girlfriends had ever met her. Not that he had had many girlfriends. I wonder if she has a boyfriend.
Fuck. I’ve got to think about something else.
When the train stopped at Lawrence, the teenager next to Seth stood to get off. Seth had to turn towards Risa to let him out. Seth tried to look at Risa naturally while his position allowed him to. She didn’t seem to notice. Risa felt Seth’s eyes on her, or at least she thought she did. Realizing that Risa wasn’t going to look his way, Seth looked back down at his lap. Risa briefly shifted her eyes to see if Seth was looking at her. He was looking at his lap. I guess not, she thought. I guess she didn’t notice, he thought.
He’s still facing me, she thought.
This could be my chance to say something, he thought.
Maybe he’ll say something.
What would I say?
He sat back into his seat and both were disappointed.
The train was clearing out as they got further north. Most of the rush-hour crowds took the purple line. At this time of the day, the red line was equal parts students and locals trying to get home from an uneventful day. Countless numbers of people took the trains every day, thousands of strangers who would know no more about the person they sat next to when they left than when they sat down. That was the preference of most of the riders. Everyone had their own reasons for not speaking up. Some were distracted by their day. Some were suspicious of others. Some were shy, cautious of other’s opinions (even though they would likely have no further contact with them). Some were simply afraid.
Fear helps avoid complications.
Now, once again staring straight ahead, Seth and Risa separately thought of each other.
Seth hadn’t turned the page in his book for nearly three stops. Risa noticed. Risa had only vaguely been fidgeting with her new possession, having turned it over multiple times without learning a single new thing about it, other than that she wished she had gotten the baby blue one instead of the plain white. She was clearly distracted. Seth noticed.
Why doesn’t he say something if he’s interested? Risa was feeling increasingly frustrated as they got closer to her destination.
Why doesn’t she introduce herself, Seth thought, consciously avoiding eye contact. For once, can’t the girl do something?
The two continued to ride in silence, even as more people got off and different people got on. Two Mexican parents with their young daughters got on at Thorndale, taking the seat in front of Risa while the girls, no older than six, cautiously examined the inhabitants of the train.
They’re cute, Risa and Seth thought.
The smaller of the two, Rosa, a girl with chopped short, black hair and quarter-sized brown eyes stared at Seth with fascination. He pretended not to notice, once again using his book as distraction. The girl did not look away, uninhibited by standards of social behavior that she would not learn for some years. When Rosa found something to focus on, she could be stubbornly determined. Her parents often felt humiliated by the way their youngest daughter took no notice of the discomfort she caused to businessmen in their suits when pointing at them on the streets. Her parents would have preferred to go unnoticed. The elder daughter now knew better than to be too bold.
Risa smiled on the inside, once again, as the young girl stared unselfconsciously at the boy next to her. Why can’t I be that forward? She wondered, knowing that all she wanted to do was stare at the boy, too. It took until the next stop before a man stepped in front of Rosa’s view of Seth and his black, leather suitcase distracted her.
Seth felt relieved to have the focus off of him. Children made him nervous in close proximity, though he had a quiet fondness for them, from a distance. He didn’t think he could ever actually have a child of his own. They were too real. Risa wanted daughters. Sons too, but she relished the idea of teaching her little girls how to do their hair, how to speak up for themselves and watch them go on their first dates. She thought that having children would finally make life feel real.
She wouldn’t be as restrictive as her parents had been. She often wondered if the overprotective way she was raised had made her too timid. She had never even initiated a friendship with a boy until college because she felt her parents’ disapproval. They had such a vague way of parenting; Risa could never tell if they were proud or disappointed. Most any conversation she had with her dad revolved around her “responsibility” and plans for the future. Her mother wasn’t much better. The closest she ever got to a heart-to-heart chat is when she took Risa aside in the bathroom and explained how to properly use a tampon. It was quick and uncomfortable.
Risa never wanted to be afraid to talk like her parents were.
Seth watched the two Mexican parents sitting diagonally from him. It amazed him when he saw parents on the El with their kids. Didn’t they know that subways were dangerous places? Of course, Seth knew they probably had no choice, but it still bothered him. There was no way he would ever be able to deal with that kind of pressure. I’d probably end up like my father, he thought. Seth had long ago stopped blaming his father for leaving when he was still young. Certainly it had been a struggle for his mom, but who was Seth to judge? I can’t handle myself. I’d probably do the same thing if I fucked up and had a kid. At times, on the rarest of occasions, Seth believed he would do the right thing if it ever came up, but most often he simply shuddered at the thought.
Seth never wanted to wake up one day and know he had ruined a life; his or someone else’s.
The train stopped.
“There will be a momentary delay,” an emotionless, male voice said over the PA system. There was a train held up at the next stop. A homeless man, inebriated and irritable, was standing in the door and no one would speak up to tell him he was the one causing the delay. The man would stumble forward in a few seconds, the doors would close and the train would move on. No one would have said a word.
The train that Seth and Risa shared began to roll again.
With just three more stops until Howard, Risa and Seth had become distracted from their distractions. Neither one of them pretended to be doing anything else but staring ahead. Seth’s book was back in the pocket of his pack. The CD began skipping too much to tolerate and he pressed Stop on his CD player (though, he left the headphones in his ears). Risa slid her mp3 player back into its plastic package and put it back in her bag. She now sat, cross-legged, her hands folded over her purchases with firm dissolution. She would not look at them again until she was home.
It was getting colder outside. Wind blew the jackets of those standing at the stops.
There was a finality to their postures. Seth and Risa were beginning to sense a closure that either one would have prevented, if only the other would speak up. The train was nearing its final stop and the two strangers would go their separate ways, live their separate lives. There was desperation in the way both hoped the other would make the first move.
At Morse, Seth began to think that Risa looked like the kind of girl who was probably stuck-up. She looks like money, he thought disinterestedly. That kind of girl is impossible to date. Spoiled. At Jarvis, Risa began to think that Seth looked like the kind of boy who was probably pretentious. He’s full of himself, she thought assuredly. He’s like every college guy who thinks that he knows everything about music and art.
Seth and Risa were sad. The dreary clouds above meant snow this week. Dusk would be well gone by the time they began their lonely walks home.
When the train pulled into Howard, the same lifeless voice announced, “This is the last stop for this train.” Those who remained all stood in unison and pushed for the doors. Risa had a couple more blocks to walk back to her apartment. Seth would take the purple line four more stops. Risa and Seth both waited for the majority of the crowd to clear out. Once there was room, Risa stood suddenly. She thought that there could still be one last chance for a connection. Maybe if they both left the train at the same time, maybe if they bumped into each other, maybe if everything happened at the right moment.
Seth was thinking the same thing.
But Seth took his time getting up, and Risa was unable to resist her instinct to rush off the train. So Seth watched Risa walk away, almost ten steps ahead before he had even reached the door. They would not talk, would likely never see each other again, except perhaps in passing when each had already forgotten the other. They would both regret never having had the nerve to speak to the other, but those regrets would only last until another stranger replaced them.
Risa had forgotten about the booklet lying on the floor. Seth had forgotten that he was still wearing his headphones.
For the moment, they each wondered about the other and asked themselves question that could not be answered.
He and she were not together.
Seth looked for another stranger as he waited for the train.
It was nothing, he thought.